susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

Keeping my jobs straight 11/02/2011

Filed under: My Life — SusieWorld @ 12:09 am
Tags:

 

I started training for job number four today.  Finally, I think I’m working full-time after a nine-month hiatus.

 

The Jamaicans from In Living Color would probably be ashamed.  “Only FOUR JOBS?”

 

But I had a realization recently that I’ve finally become what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I’m a journalist again.  A real, live reporter!  And I have the crime and courts beat, which is ideal.  I’m just sick enough to love when tragedy strikes, or, better yet, when the evil people get what they deserve.

 

Job No. One:  CrimeVoice.com – I write stories about crime in the scenic city of Milpitas and unincorported Santa Clara County.  Once a week I travel to Milpitas to copy all the arrest logs for the week.  I get paid $25 per story and per trip.  It ain’t much, but it’s’ more than I make for…

 

Job No. Two:  Examiner.com – An online newspaper for which I cover crime and courts in Santa Clara County.  This is one of those jobs in which I am paid by the click.  Less than a penny per click, to be more precise.  So click away, my loves.  Please?  I beg of you!  http://www.examiner.com/user-susiefowkes

 

Job No. 3:  Vision Literacy – This one pays even less than Examiner, as I’m the VOLUNTEER Social Media Coordinator for a literacy program in the South Bay.  It’s giving me valuable social media experience and the reward of knowing I’m helping people is worth more than any paycheck.  Check us out!   www.visionliteracy.org.  And DONATE!  Money, time, publicity.  We’ll take whatever you can give.

Job No. 4:  Courthouse News – This is the one I started today.  I will spend a whopping two hours a day in the San Jose federal courthouse scanning and deciphering all the civil cases filed each day.  This one is where the real money is and I’m looking forward to the work.  As a former legal secretary, this job combines all my law and journalism skills and I couldn’t be happier.  Check out the stuff I’ll be doing at www.CourthouseNews.com.

 

So that’s what I do for a living.

Share

 

I am Weird Al with tits 10/27/2011

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 1:49 pm

I just rewrote the lyrics to the old jazz standard Young and Foolish.  This song is dedicated to my dad.

 

Old and wrinkly
I never longed to be
Old and wrinkly
It feels wrong to be
Lying in my rest home bed
The sunlit days go by
Soon enough I will just have to die.

I am wrinkly
One day I just got old
Now I wonder
When my brain turned to mold
Forgetting what I just ate
Now I am senile
I wish that I could sit
And nap for a while.

 

What I learned reading Entertainment Weekly 10/26/2011

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — SusieWorld @ 10:52 pm

My issue of Us Weekly didn’t arrive last week for reasons unknown, so I’m going with a much more respected publication. This won’t be as fun, but here goes…

1.)  The first rule of Fight Club is that everyone who has seen it loves it and, thusly, talks about it all the time.

Film critics everywhere don't seem to remember the first rule of Fight Club.

2.)  Beyonce, 50 Cent, Usher, and Mariah Carey all made millions performing for members of the Gaddafi family.

3.)  Charlie’s Angels has been CANCELED! I’m guessing it’s because there wasn’t enough jiggle. Or feathered hair.

4.)  Lindsay Lohan kept missing her court-ordered community service at a women’s center, so she was transferred to the Red Cross.  EW: “Asked why the Red Cross was selected, a spokesman said, ‘It’s clear this thing is now an international disaster-relief effort.'”

Oh. And she's also going to show off her drug addled cooch in Playboy.

5.)  Fonzie’s motorcycle from Happy Days is up for auction. Anyone have a spare $90K?

6.)  The iPod is 10 years old.

He must be listening to Train because their music stinks!

7.)  Ian McShane really digs starring in movies based on Fairy Tales.

8.)  The Lorax has been turned into a feature film and Danny DeVito is voicing the little mustached guy. Somehow Danny DeVito speaking for the trees doesn’t seem all that fitting. Did they cast him because he and the Lorax have similar statures?  Also, we will see the Once-ler in his entirety, not just the green gloved hands. Thanks, Hollywood, for ruining another classic.

The Lorax speaks for the trees with a thick, gravely New York accent.

9.)  Rachel Bilson, star of Hart of Dixie, is a terrible actress. Okay, I didn’t get this from EW. I formed my own opinion.

10.)  Everybody loves Zooey Deschanel.

11.)  Elizabeth Olson is finally taking attention away from her creepy twin sisters. Alas, she only seems to be photographed when they’re both flanking her.

One of these things is not like the others. Two of these things are kind of the same.

12.)  Zachary Quinto, of Heroes and Star Trek fame, is gay. I, for one, am not shocked by this at all. 

13.)  In obvious news, zombies have regained popularity. Eating brains has never been so sexy.

Zombie LOL!

14.)  Some unknown actor talks about how he got his head chopped off in an episode of Dexter.

15.)  Redheads are taking over television.

BONUS: Entertainment Weekly didn’t educate me on a single thing about the Kardashians.

How in the sweet name of Jesus am I supposed to keep up?

Hopefully by next week I’ll be back to reporting on the real news – Kim and her mom wearing platform stilettos while riding camels.

Share

 

Moving sucks! 10/24/2011

Filed under: My Life — SusieWorld @ 3:29 am

This will be us in a few short days.

Packing up all our stuff after nearly 5 years in one place absolutely blows. There are parts of our house that haven’t seen a swiffer in all that time and my allergies are thanking the allergy gods that they get to come out to play.

 

Bright side: Dave only found ONE dead rat in the garage.  But there’s evidence that his friends and family are not only alive and well, but well-fed!  This guy was a MONSTER!  He might be puny by New York standards, but I think he could have held his own in a fight.

 

So today I avoided all things moving related by getting drunk and watching football at the Dude Shack.  Tomorrow, moving will suck again.  The big day is Thursday, with a Friday follow-up.  Since I have a bad back (which comes in handy during times like these), I will be leaving the house I no longer care to call home and going to my parents’ house with the dog to stay out of the way.  I almost always get drunk when I’m at my parents’ house.  It helps.  My favorite drink is one my brother invented: bourbon and Bailey’s shaken and served up with a dusting of nutmeg on top.  It’s called a Family Time. One or two of those and suddenly dealing with family isn’t so bad!

 

Another reason moving sucks – we will be mostly moved in by Thursday night, but we don’t get our cable until Friday.

 

Creepy baby monkey will give me nightmares tonight 10/22/2011

Filed under: Shopping,Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 3:01 am

I nearly tossed my TV Guide across the room in absolute terror when I came across a full-page ad for this:

This monkey is creeeeepy!

Note that Baby Babu “sucks” its thumb.  CREEEEPY!  And “she” also has “Real Touch (TM)” vinyl skin.  So monkeys feel like the backseat of a 1974 Pinto?  Okay.

So of course I immediately had to visit the Ashton Drake website to find out more about this not-so-adorable baby monkey and found SO MANY OTHER CREEPY DOLLS.  Creepy enough to make me miss Baby Doe all over again.  There are other monkey dolls available, like Mollie here:

Mollie has BLUE eyes. I don't know of any real monkeys with blue eyes. Is this a Planet of the Apes thing?

Mollie is described as “realistic” and a “toddler.”  Or a monkey for toddlers.  I’m not really sure.  But she costs 150 bucks!  No toddler should have a toy worth 150 bucks.  Not even Tori Spelling’s toddlers.

But wait!  There’s more!  Check out the following horribly frightening baby collectibles and ask yourself one simple question: Who the hell buys this shit??

"Imani" apparently became an evangelical Christian at a very young age. Even her blankie is all preachy! Plus, she "sings" Jesus loves me, but her voice probably sounds like a music box. Odd talent for a toddler.

"Nizhoni" is allegedly a Native American baby doll. But I think she looks like she was dressed for Halloween by racist vinyl parents.

This little guy, possibly Nizhoni's adopted baby brother, doesn't even have a name! He's just a member of the "Small in Size, Great in Spirit" collection. Poor little disturbing thing!

This little guy looks really disappointed in his team. And rightfully so. Have you seen the point spread for the Indy game this weekend??

Okay, I've seen Snow White and those dwarfs never looked like this! They are ugly now and were certainly ugly then, or so I imagine. Anyhoo...here they are in all their creepy, vinyl glory. Or maybe these are just 7 of Jon & Kate's 8 kids and the brattiest one didn't get a doll.

If I had a gazillion dollars, I’d buy up the entire Ashton Drake collection and keep them all in my guest room to scare people into not staying for more than one night.  Because it’s really an imposition.

Share

 

They’re going to SELL THE BABY! 10/20/2011

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 3:28 am

My sign about the abandoned baby has been removed. I took it down out of the kindess of my heart, so as not to alarm the neighbors about a baby that is no longer missing.  But this is what wound up in its place:

 

 

While they’re claiming they’re only selling board games and electronics, they’re probably not mentioning the fact that they will be selling my baby!!!  Baby-selling is frowned upon in these parts and with the number of times the police have had to show up at my next-door neighbor’s house due to noise complaints, these garage salers were smart to not tip off the police to their evil baby-selling plans.

 

If I didn’t have Sunday plans, and were actually a caring foster parent, I’d hit this garage sale and maybe even hit one of the people trying to sell an innocent doll, abandoned so guilelessly by her birth mother.  For all I know, the poor girl was born in a dumpster outside the nearby high school during the homecoming dance.  Okay, now I’ve gone and made this dark.

 

Keep Baby Doe in your prayers.  If one of the people hosting this garage sale is a mechanic, she may be sold for parts!

 

UPDATE: The abandoned baby saga is over

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 1:16 am

I just performed a welfare check on Baby Doe and she’s GONE!  Whoever took her left my flyer, though.  I do hope they read it because the next time they ditch their baby on my driveway, I’m calling the cops!

I went out to check on the baby and she was GONE! Just when I'd made the decision to adopt her.

 

The strange saga of the baby left on my driveway

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 12:40 am

This morning I headed to my car to go to work and came upon this:

Yes. It’s a doll. And it was in my driveway. Right near the walkway to my front door. Which leads me to believe that some child or perverted doll fetishist adult was walking around my house late last night.

 

But I’m a good samaritan.  I placed Baby Doe, as she is now called, against a lightpost and taped a little note to her tiny baby shirt.

After about an hour with no response to her query, “Are YOU my mother?” I opted to take more drastic measures and made a sign.

The sign has only been up for a little while, but I’m hoping the irresponsible mother comes forward and claims Baby Doe.  I’m not prepared to be a parent, but I can’t leave an innocent baby on the street overnight.  She’s only wearing a t-shirt and footies!

 

Of course, the first thing I did, as anyone else would do in such a situation, was go to Facebook and post all these pictures.  I received several suggestions on what to do – call CPS, become an instant mommy, grab the doll by the throat and start waving it in the faces of all passers-by, yelling, “Is this your doing??”  None of them seem appropriate.  Perhaps some kind-hearted soul will take pity on Baby Doe and take her home with them.

She is a little underdressed for our chilly fall weather, but her clothes are clean and there are no other signs of abuse.  But she’s most certainly been neglected! Who would abandon such a precious thing? It’s the ideal infant – it doesn’t cry, pee, or poop. No breast feedings required every two hours….  Honestly, she’s every mother’s dream!

 

The more I think about it, the more I believe I will adopt Baby Doe.  Does anyone have any hand-me-downs?  I don’t have a full-time job and I know her father won’t support her, even though we’re still happily married.  I’m sure he’ll frown on my new idea to turn one of the rooms of our new house into a nursery.

 

And what do I name her??  For now, I’ll just call her Doey, I suppose.  Name suggestions are welcome, but please keep them weird.  The weirder, the better.

 

And here’s the script of the Baby Doe Saga:

ME:  Holy shitballs! Someone left a baby doll in my driveway. And what the hell were they doing so close to the garage??

BABY DOE:  Mommy, I’m cold.

ME:  Oh, well.  I’ve got to go to work.  Let’s see what happens when Dave comes home and finds her.

BABY DOE:  Don’t leave me, Mommy!  I’m cold!

ME: (Gets in car, drives away.)

ONE HOUR LATER….

DAVE: (Gets out of car.) Holy shitballs!  Someone left a baby doll in my driveway.  Maybe if I toss it on the lawn, someone will come claim it.

BABY DOE:  NOOOOOOOOOO! *plop*

SEVERAL HOURS LATER:

ME:  (Gets out of car.) I wonder what happened to that baby …  Oh, there she is.  What’s she doing in the middle of the lawn?

BABY DOE:  Mommy! Help me! The grass is all pokey on my delicate plastic baby skin.

ME: (Entering house.)  Dave, what’s the deal with that doll?  Did you toss her on the lawn.

DAVE: Yeah. I figured someone would come by and pick her up.

(Distant infant wails can be heard in the distance.)

ME:  Oh. Well. Okay then.

HOURS LATER.

ME:  I’m going to tape a note to this thing and see if someone comes to claim her.

BABY DOE: Silence. She’s too cold to speak and the hypothermia is starting to set in. Either that or she’s being totally passive-aggressive with the whole silent treatment thing.

ME:  Wait. No one will notice a little post-it taped to the kid.  I’d better make a flyer.

BABY DOE: Silence.

I quickly whip up a flyer, complete with Baby Doe’s photograph, threatening to call CPS on the irresponsible parent who ditched her innocent baby.  And trespassed on my property to do it.

 

Photos are taken and posted on Facebook and my job is done.  Except now I’m somone’s mommy.

 

This week in Us Weekly 10/17/2011

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — SusieWorld @ 3:44 am

Here’s what I learned by reading this week’s issue of Us Weekly.

 

1.)  Kristin Cavillari got kicked off Dancing with the “Stars” because she’s really nice and an amazing dancer.  But America hates her because she’s spoiled rich brat.

2.)  Megan Fox once had a pet pig named Piggie Smalls.

3.)  Vinnie Guagdanino of, “Jersey Shore” fame, is, shockingly, a New York Knicks fan.  And he also claims to have taken the LSAT the day his show premiered.

4.)  Elizabeth Olsen never talks to her older sisters, Mary Kate and Ashley, about acting. Probably because Mary Kate and Ashley can’t act.

5.)  Pippa Middleton bought a potted cyclamen.

6.)  JUSTIN BIEBER IS RELEASING A HOLIDAY ALBUM! OMG! OMG! OMG!

7.)  Some slutty blonde had a one-night stand with Ashton Kutcher. And she’s not afraid to tell the tabloids about it.

8.)  The Kardishian sisters don’t like Kim’s hubby.

9.)  B-list actresses are not afraid to dress like slutty whatevers for Halloween.  Whatever. As long as it’s slutty.

10.)  A bunch of red-headed actresses are being lauded for “going red” for fall.

11.)  The “best” fall bags are really, really ugly.  Oh – and really, really expensive.

12.)  Footloose is coming out. Yet John Lithgow has not been asked to make a cameo.

13.)  Jack Black is TOTALLY ADDICTED! To Scrabble.

14.)  There are a lot of diet pills out there. And all of them appear to be extremely successful in helping people lose weight via photoshop.

15.)  Even good actresses wear bad dresses.  Bad actresses wear even worse dresses.

 

That’s not a latte at ALL! 10/15/2011

Filed under: Susie's World,Uncategorized — SusieWorld @ 4:35 pm

There's no coffee in there. It's just an obvious prop. And it's not very "green," either.

If you’re anything like my husband, beware – I may just ruin television for you if you read this blog.

I am a distracted TV viewer. I’m always doing puzzles or folding laundry or something else while my TiVo runs my favorite shows.  So I don’t pay attention to much.  But one thing that has driven me from distraction is the infinate number of empty cardboard coffee cups being used as props on TV these days.  Because it’s so fucking OBVIOUS said cups are empty!!!

You can tell they’re empty by the way the actors hold and move these cups.  It’s clear they’re light as air – especially when you hear the hollow noise the cups make when they touch a surface.

Ever since this flagrant lack of respect for the coffee drinking viewer came to my attention, I can’t focus on the scenes before me.  I just stare at those empty cups and wish someone would drink out of something transparent for a change.  Like on Cheers when they were forced to drink something that looked like real beer, but probably tasted like PBR minus the benefit of (alleged) alcohol content.

Days of Our Lives, the soap opera I’ve watched shamefully for 20+ years, is the worst offender of my empty cup pique.  The only character on this show who hasn’t been seen holding an empty cup is an infant.  They all hang out in a coffee house with their empty cups saying God knows what because I’m so distracted by the emptiness.  Most coffee joints actually offer you glassware if you plan to drink in.  But not the Java Cafe in Salem, USA!  They don’t give a rat’s ass about the environment.  You’re drinking air out of a paper cup no matter what!

So why can’t they put some kind of liquid in these cups?  Just fill them with water or something.  But don’t drink out of an empty cup and tell me it’s coffee.  I ain’t buyin’ it.

On the bright side, IT’S NATIONAL COFFEE WEEK, EVERYBODY!  Go celebrate by having a barrista actually put something in your cup.