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What I learned from reading TV Guide (and Us Weekly) or EEEEWWWW! Nasty! 12/29/2011

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — SusieWorld @ 9:49 pm

This week’s issue of Us Weekly looked a little skimpy and it had J Lo on the cover – a tired old story about her and her uber-controlling ex, Marc Anthony wanting to take custody of the kids. Since this is Us Weekly, I don’t believe a word of it, but it’s worth writing about anyway because maybe I LEARNED something.

But this week’s TV Guide, despite its pledge to provide TV schedules that we all get on our cable or satellite provided TVs, is a little more informative this week, so get a load of THIS!

  1.)     Mad Men is finally coming back! And viewers still care, despite the 17-month gap between seasons. Not even January Jones’ poor acting skills can keep me away from this show. Hell, not even knowing January Jones is kind of a bitch in real life and is sort of mean to the kid actors on set will keep me away. My husband doesn’t understand the appeal of Mad Men. That makes me like it a little bit more for some reason.

  2.)     Howard Stern has been named as the new judge for “America’s Got Talent.” I think it’s an appropriate choice because I think a better name for this show would be “America’s Got Weirdos.”

3.)     TV Guide somehow determined that the average American household contains 3.01 television sets. I don’t know how the .01 comes into play, but clearly TV Guide has never been to my house. In my house, we have three TVs in the family room alone. Yes. True story. My husband has a bit of a sports addiction, so we have one regular TV and two emergency backup TVs in case of a breakout of college basketball or hockey while something better is available for me/us to watch on TiVo. Tonight, for example, all three of them are on – and they all have sports playing. It’s college bowl season.

These are actual TVs in my actual family room.

4.)     E!, the network that brought you the True Hollywood Story about people you never cared about in the first place, dedicated 32 hours of television to Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries – a marriage that lasted 72 days. The coverage of their marriage totaled 1.8% of the length of the marriage. My husband with all the TVs is also really good at math.

5.)     Tragically hip Sarah Jessica Parker is more tragic than hip. Sorry. This isn’t news.

6.)     There is a “Battle of the Hunks” about to occur at the Golden Globes. Best Actor in a Drama nods have gone out to Ryan Gosling (meh), George Clooney (maybe 10 years ago), Leonardo DiCaprio (maybe 15 years ago), Brad Pitt (lost his sexy when he hooked up with Angelina), and Michael Fassbender (who??). I hope Fassbender wins solely on principle.

7.)     Tom Cruise may have to pay people to be his fans in India, but he still makes crazy couch-jumpable romantic gestures for his Scientology-chosen Frankenbride Katie Holmes. He painted her name on his private jet, defamed a Dubai skyscraper by painting her name on it, and bought out a restaurant to have a private anniversary dinner with her. No word on whether or not he painted her name anywhere.

8.)     Charlie Sheen was not “winning” on Twitter when he totally fucked up and posted his cell phone number for all to see. Needless to say, he got a shitload of calls within seconds from desperate people who think calling Charlie Sheen is a good idea. The phone number was intended for Justin Bieber, who should know better than to call a guy who hasn’t been arrested for pedophilia – yet.

9.)     Disgusting quote from Kate Winslet about ‘Titanic’ being re-released in 3-D: “It’s exciting to think that a whole ne.. generation of young men and women … who may have been conceived after a date night of a couple going to see ‘Titanic’ … will be seeing it.” Said children can scream in unison: EEEEWWWW! Nasty!

10.)  I don’t like to give the Kardashians more than one paragraph in my blogs, but did you see their Christmas card photo? Again, EEEEWWWW! Nasty! And now I hear Kim’s dating Kanye. All together now! EEEEWWWW!

Kreepy Kardashian Khristmas

Nasty!

 

What I learned by reading Us Weekly – Christmas Edition 12/20/2011

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — SusieWorld @ 11:14 am

Look! The Jersey Shore cast can make your Christmas tree smell more like a blend of stale cigarettes and Four Loko!

My new issue arrived yesterday and I immediately read it cover to cover. Okay – I just looked at pictures and read the captions because the magazine is basically just pictures with captions so you have no choice. But ANYWAY…

1.)     The cover story headline is priceless. I couldn’t care less about how Will and Kate are spending their royal Christmas, but this headline left me wanting more: “CHRISTMAS AT THE PALACE: HER PARENTS AREN’T INVITED.” Maybe the Middletons will get out their gloves and beat the crap out of the Queen for Boxing Day. Oh. That’s not the boxing Boxing Day is about? Oh, well. It’s a good idea nevertheless.

2.)     Nobody in India knows or cares who Tom Cruise is. Apparently, when he went there to promote Mission Impossible: Turns Out it’s Possible, everyone who was at the airport to cheer his name was PAID – $3 and a buffet lunch. I’d jump on a couch for three bucks and a buffet!

3.)     You can get Jersey Shore Christmas ornaments from MTV. Yes – little guido figurines to hang on your tree. And Mike “The Situation” is even flashing his little hand-crafted abs!

4.)     Larry King wants to be frozen and brought back to life. I cannot emphasize enough how disturbing this is.

5.)     Mariah Carey will never stop dressing like a skank.

6.)     Stars! They’re just like “Us!” Because they eat ice cream, touch up their lipstick, take their kids to see Santa, go shoe shopping, and carry their own children. I’m practically a celebrity myself because I watch TV, drive a car, and think people care about my tweets.

7.)     Seeing pictures of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez kissing makes me feel like a pedophile.

8.)     Celebrities clearly don’t love their children based on the names they choose. “Apple” is so 2000-and-late. Now we have “Bear” and “Monroe & Morroccan.”

Surprisingly, there wasn’t much else to learn in this issue. Too many pictures, not enough captions. Better luck next week, I guess.

 

Christmas songs that make you consider suicide 12/19/2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — SusieWorld @ 12:09 am

They say suicide is more prevalent during the holidays and I think I know why – it’s that “Christmas Shoes” song.

I was going to write about all the sad Christmas songs like “Blue Christmas,” “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” etc. But I decided the really sad Christmas songs are the bad ones. And Christmas Shoes is at the top of the list. I prefer the parody song about the guy who complained because he had no shoes until he saw someone who had no feet. So he said, “Hey, buddy. Can I have your shoes?”

So this blog will be brief. I only ask one favor of you – comment with the Christmas song that makes you want to jump from the nearest bridge to take the pain away. For me, it’s this drivel by Alabama:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/newsong-lyrics/the-christmas-shoes-lyrics.html .]
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama’s gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Bridge:
I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Repeat Chorus

 

What I learned by reading Us Weekly 12/15/2011

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — SusieWorld @ 10:40 pm

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. My semi-regular Us Weekly “column” is BACK! I know you’ve been dying to know what’s REALLY going on with the D-List celebs of Tinseltown, so let’s get started, shall we?

1.)     Khole Kardashian will do ANYTHING for a baby. Really? ANYTHING?? I hope that includes sleeping with your husband, you miserable tramp, because that’s the way it’s usually done. But I don’t like to make fun of infertility, so…

2.)     Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe’s older unmarried sister is knocked up again, rubbing salt in poor Khloe’s herpes wounds. Kourtney is preggers with her douchey boyfriend Scott Disick’s kid. Apparently no one has felt the need to tell the guy that his look went out of style when TV movies about rich, white country club boys doing bad things in the 1980s stopped being made. In the ’80s.

3.)     Joan Rivers hasn’t been funny in 35 years. In her “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” story, she says, “If I could change one thing about my appearance … too late. I’ve already done it!” Technically JOAN didn’t do it, her blind plastic surgeon did. THAT would be something we didn’t know about her – that her plastic surgeon was blind. It would explain a lot.

4.)     If you’re a Victoria’s Secret model, chances are you will win the “Who Wore it Best” contest. Also, Us Weekly must have a standing order with the same 100 people in Rockefeller Center who always make the wrong choice in another “Who Wore it Best” contest. There are usually three pages dedicated to this topic, so if you’re a second-rate actress, make sure you don’t wear the same dress as someone better looking than you, or your self-esteem will be knocked down several pegs by 100 strangers who regularly hang out in Rockefeller Center.

5.)     Dylan McDermott likes to get naked for the camera. I’m totally fine with this.

6.)     Angelina Jolie likes to go out with her kids a lot. But I learned this is LAST week’s issue of Us Weekly. And the week before’s, and the week before that’s….

7.)     There is a mutiny at “Glee.”  Apparently Ryan Murphy, the show’s creator, is a gay Hitler. (Couldn’t go an entire blog without an inappropriate Hitler comparison.)  The teenage cast, which is really made up of people pushing 30, have to work really long hours – just like people who work on other TV shows. They also claim they’re grossly underpaid – just like our nation’s teachers. Oh, and Ryan Murphy allegedly yelled at Kristen Chenowyth. KRISTIN CHENOWYTH, PEOPLE! NO ONE YELLS AT KRISTIN CHENOWYTH! (But bloggers can “yell” about her with that handy-dandy All Caps keyboard feature.)

8.)     Robert Pattinson was caught with …. Oh wait. I skipped that article.

9.)     Teen moms of today are getting fame and fortune thanks to MTV. Gone are the days when their contemporaries would just call them sluts and shun them for their irresponsibility.

10.)   Charlize Theron may be beautiful, but she only gets Oscar buzz for playing awful people.

BONUS US WEEKLY LESSON:

11.)    That “New Year’s Eve”  movie apparently doesn’t just LOOK bad. It IS bad. The reviewers at Us Weekly are usually overly kind in their critiques. I’m sure A Very Brady Movie got 5 out of 5 stars. But New Year’s Eve only got 1.5.

 

A very sex-ular Christmas

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 9:49 pm

I have Sirius satellite radio in my car and every Thanksgiving I start tuning in to Holiday Traditions, the channel that plays the “good” Christmas music from the ’40s to the ’60s. You know. The classics – Sinatra, Nat “King” Cole, Mel Torme, the Mills Brothers. (Who are the Mills Brothers??)

What I’m learning is that there are a lot of sexy songs out there from Christmas music’s heyday. Sexy and a little gross.

Has anyone heard the song “Daddy.”  I don’t know what makes it a Christmas song, exactly, since it’s really just some woman asking “Daddy” for all this stuff.  I mean, any DECENT sugar daddy would know that gift giving is not reserved strictly for the holidays! Sample lyric: “You want to get the best for me.” I’m all for greed. Truly, I am. But there’s something about calling the old dude you’re sleeping with solely for the purpose of waiting until he dies to collect an inheritance “Daddy” that kinda creeps me out.

“Daddy” is along the lines of “Santa Baby,” but more gut-churning. “Santa Baby” is basically just some slut asking for a bunch of unattainable things from SANTA. Not an old dude she’s sleeping with. Wait. I could be wrong there. I guess these two songs are exactly the same.

Another song, one I actually like despite the huge number of bad recordings of it, is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” This one isn’t gut-churning. It’s CHARMING!  I like a song that encourages staying warm with cocktails and cigarettes. I especially love hearing modern singers sing about smoking, even when their voices are ear-splitting. It’s somehow satisfying to know that my frowned-upon vice is still talked about in music every year at Christmas.

There aren’t too many songs out there like these anymore. I don’t see Mariah Carey singing about smoking, though I can actually picture her with a sugar daddy crooning about all the insane things she wants for Christmas. We are talking about a woman who commissioned a life-size ice sculpture – OF HERSELF – for her own birthday party.

Stay tuned for Part Two of my amazing Christmas music blogogy – Why Suicide is Most Prevalent at Christmas.

 

Merry freakin’ Christmas, jerkfaces! (I mean, Happy Holidays!) 12/01/2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — SusieWorld @ 6:15 pm

See?? It says "everybody," not "only Christians."

Okay, nobody has ever told me it’s bad to wish someone a Merry Christmas. But all kinds of Christians on Facebook, where I spend a majority of my time, claim they’ve been ordered not to say those two evil words and that the evil secular people are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

As a Christian myself, I get really pissed off when I hear this argument from religious groups who essentially have control over much of our government, yet claim to be totally oppressed.  It’s like asking me to feel sorry for middle-aged, wealthy white men! They are too rich to have to pay taxes like the rest of us and, as such, constantly feel what it’s like to be discriminated against.

What about the people who have the right to celebrate other December occasions (under the freedom of religion part of the CONSTITUTION)? Jews celebrate Hanukkah. Africans and others celebrate Kwanzaa. Even agnostics and modern pagans celebrate in late December – the winter solstice. Do Christians not care enough about those groups to wish them a happy holiday? Didn’t Jesus preach “love thy neighbor?” And if you’re gonna get all Old Testament on me, just think of the flippin’ GOLDEN RULE! Let us also not forget that Jesus was a Jew. Show a little respect!

No one is trying to take Christ out of Christmas. In fact, Christians put the Christ in Christmas by taking a bunch of pagan traditions and turning them into something that celebrates the birth of Jesus, a man I believe truly did die for my sins, but probably was born closer to June 25 than December 25. It is important to note that the ancient pagans celebrated the winter solstice, which falls eerily close to Christmas each year.

What shepherds in their right minds would be tending their flocks by night in the dead of a Middle East winter?? And what of those Wise Men who followed a star for miles with the goal of meeting the Son of God? Would they do that in the chill of December? By the way, the Bible refers to these “wise men” aka the Three Kings as the Magi – the source of the word magic, the practice of which is an apparent sin that can result in a ticket straight to Hell.

And don’t “those without sin,” the righteous yet indignant Christians LIE to their children each year with the Santa Claus myth? What the heck does a fake fat man in a silly red suit have to do with Jesus? Nothing! And it has been pointed out on numerous occasions (most notably on Dana Carvey’s “Church Chat”) that Santa is just an anagram for Satan.

I learned of the pagan traditions from which our Christmas originated in church. My non-denominational pastor taught me all about the pagans who were nice enough to share their time-honored practices with the Christians. These traditions evolved into today’s Christmas tree, kissing under the mistletoe, and hanging sprigs of holly.  I have met a few “pagans” – self-proclaimed witches and warlocks – who have never even attempted to tell me not to say “Merry Christmas.” They celebrate the holiday, too. And why shouldn’t they? Christmas is for EVERYONE!

But I choose to say Happy Holidays in the spirit of inclusion. That’s what Jesus would want.

Now, I’m off to Wal-mart to get in a war over a parking space and shoot someone to get the last of the hottest toy. Selfishness – it seems to have become the real spirit of the season. Now who’s taking the Christ out of Christmas, huh?

So have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Cheery Kwanzaa, or Sweet Solstice, whichever you prefer. But isn’t it so much easier and more succinct to just say “Happy Holidays?”

 

Thanksgiving myths – and how to make them better 11/23/2011

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 9:29 am

It's really mean to do this to your pets.

My friend Emily reports that she almost has her daughter convinced that the first Thanksgiving was really about the Pilgrims and “Indians” coming together to make green bean casserole.  And of course it was the French who suddenly came onto the scene with their fried onions.

So it got me to wondering what REALLY happened at the first Thanksgiving.

Like who brought the canned yams and marshmallows?  And who brought the Stovetop Stuffing?

And the poor turkey that gave its life so we could all be grateful for something.  I don’t know what the Native Americans had to be thankful for.  They were about to be completely oppressed and have their land stolen from them by the white man.

Benjamin Franklin wanted our national bird to be the turkey.  If that had happened, would we all be eating bald eagle on the third Thursday of every November?

I’m also thinking the Native Americans should have had their own Occupy movement in an attempt to Occupy their own land from the 1% – the Pilgrims.

I think these are some of the first questions I’ll ask when I arrive at the pearly gates.  Assuming, of course that I don’t go to Hell with all my friends.

 

What do you do when you feel you can’t do anything right? 11/16/2011

Filed under: My Life — SusieWorld @ 11:33 pm

I’m depressed. And as such, I am going to blog like a blithering idiot. This one is going to be all train of thought, baby, so get on the train or you’ll just have to take the bus and no one likes having to take the bus.

I’ve got this crazy new job that’s supposed to be “easy,” yet it’s so fucking detail-oriented – obnoxiously so – that I’m wavering between throwing in the towel or finally being the brave “yes I can” girl. And the boss who “trained” me is being quite dickish in his critiques of my work. But the “yes I can” part of me is winning, so, in the immortal words of Scarlett O’Hara, “tomorrow is another day.”  But I’m hungry and it’s too late to eat, so I have a feeling I will go hungry. And will go hungry again. As God is my witness.

This is one of those rare moments when not even my Snuggie can make me feel better.

I’m really battling this thing. This sadness that could turn into full-blown depression that could last for days and really affect my work. I mean REALLY affect my work. When I’m depressed, I can’t function. I can go through the motions, but when my heart isn’t in it, I’m useless.

On the bright side, the fact that I’m able to consciously fight this little fucker called depression means my oxy … er … antidepressants, et al. are working! Next step – see the therapist.

I’ve gone through a lot of changes recently and even when said changes are positive ones, I still struggle to adapt. So with my great new house and what could (SHOULD) become a great new job, I’m miserable and kind of freaking out. Again, here’s the bright side – I haven’t had a panic attack in TWO WHOLE DAYS!

AND I’m practicing the “one space after a period” rule, which is a tough one to get used to. All this bullshit and I’m worried about fucking punctuation!! There’s no such thing as too many exclamation points, though. Okay. There is. Five is the max. Otherwise, you’re just being a teenager and you might as well start saying “totes” for “totally,” and making sure words that end in consonants do so with a redundant repetition of that last letter. You do this, you will be a wannabe teenager foreverrrrr.

And I’ve proven my point. Fuck. I’m a wannabe teenager.

By the way, “redundant repetition” is not a redundant phrase. There is repetition that is NOT redundant. Like when you’re practicing piano or something. So get off my back, Department of Redundancy Department!

I’ve been tensing up my shoulders and clenching my jaw for weeks now. It’s exhausting being stressed out just sitting on the couch in my non-comforting Snuggie and being all tense and shit. What I wouldn’t give for a massage right now! Only it would probably be painful and therefore would add to the stress I carry in my neck, shoulders, and back.

Some might say my train of thought is still boarding at the station after reading this diatribe. They’d probably be right. The only other train I know I have a ticket for is the Express Train to Hell. I’m already making Sandusky jokes. Too soon? Hardly!

My sweet pup-pup Kona is lying on the couch beside me snoring like a flippin’ chainsaw and as tired as I am, the thought of going to bed right now just doesn’t appeal to me. Thus the blogging about nothing except depressing shit. This is the second depressing blog in a row. Time to bring back the funny! But I haven’t been inspired lately. Maybe because no one has abandoned a baby doll in the driveway of my new home.

Okay – deep, cleansing breaths. And … I’ve gone and annoyed myself. I hate it when people pull that deep breathing shit on me when I’m in a snit. FUCK YOU DEEP BREATHERS! Fuck you! Oh, and I appreciate the obviousness of that stupid “deep breaths” statement. I know! You’re supposed to breathe! It keeps you alive and shit.

Now I’m trying to determine whether or not to make this blog public. I’ve been so miserable in my writing lately, I feel a little sorry for my three blog subscribers (hi Mom!).

Maybe I’ll curl up on the couch tonight. Change of pace.

 

Snuggies and panic attacks 11/08/2011

Filed under: My Life — SusieWorld @ 10:13 pm

I am Anxiety Girl. Making mountains out of molehills is my secret power.

I’m having a serious panic attack right now.  Uncontrollable sobs, shaking, rocking back
and forth like I belong in a mental hospital.

All because I got a great new job and I’m not doing it perfectly.

Oh, and because I have three other jobs, at least one of which I’m seriously neglecting.

And also because now that I’m in full-blown panic mode, all my insecurities are bubbling to the top and I’m wishing I were a millionaire so I could fix my body, my hair … my mind.

But you know what?  I put on my Snuggie and somehow things seem a little better.  Not entirely better, but my Snuggie is like being wrapped in my mother’s arms right now.
Yes. My Snuggie.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still a mess. I’m still struggling to breathe.  I’m still fighting back
tears.  I’m still dreading having to return to work tomorrow and feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I feel lost.  And it’s so soon after I felt like I’d finally found myself.  I finally became what I wanted to be when I grew up without having to actually grow up. A week ago, I was in bliss-land. Now everything has gone to hell.

I am Anxiety Girl.

The worst superhero ever to grace the planet.

I am useless, yet feel I would benefit greatly by having the real me be my secret identity. That way no one would know what a disaster I am right now.

Yet here I am blogging about it.

You know what I find most annoying when I’m in the middle of an attack?  People telling me to take deep breaths.  Yeah, like I don’t know panting into hyperventilation is a bad idea!

But I have my Snuggie. And my Snuggie has pockets.  I can’t imagine feeling like this without the warmth of a blanket with sleeves. A little chocolate pudding wouldn’t hurt either.

Thankfully, I don’t really give a flying fuck about people judging me for my love of the Snuggie. Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it! Anyone who hates chocolate pudding hates America.

I’m starting to feel better, but I can’t credit this mental release of blogging, nor can I credit the miraculous backwards robe.  It’s the meds. They’re finally kicking in.

 

Party rats! Perfect for late-night blogging 11/05/2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — SusieWorld @ 8:43 am

Thanks to my friend Angie, I have been introduced to the GREATEST INVENTION EVER!  Party rats.  I want these things so badly, I could scream.

 

Look at these things. LOOK AT THEM!! You know you want some.

 

Of course, right now I’m blogging at 8:40 in the morning, but I usually wait until long after the sun sets for my creativity to kick in and these bad boys would really come in handy.