susieworld

This is my depiction of Demi Moore spiraling out of control.

As it turns out, you’re never too old to get high from nitrous. This is the most important thing I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)               There’s a raging two-faced bitch on The Bachelor. I, for one, am shocked. This show usually only attracts sweet innocent women looking for love. Right?

2.)               Tim Gunn has gone 29 years without sex. This is more than I ever cared to know about Tim Gunn.

3.)               Apparently, Pat Sajak and Vanna White used to go get totally smashed on margaritas before filming Wheel of Fortune. I completely respect this.

4.)               Ladies wear fancy dresses to awards shows. Most of them are dreadful.

5.)               Michael Jackson got a posthumous cement handprint in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. They did not use his actual hand.

6.)               Tom Cruise took Suri to Disneyland and probably gave the little brat everything she wanted. I’m surprised they didn’t ask the park to close to the public for this father-daughter outing.

7.)               In “It Must Be True Because I Read It In Us Weekly” news, Jennifer Aniston and her hot BF Justin Theroux are trying for a baby. This information comes directly from the mouth of “a source.”

8.)               Guys! Guys! Keira Knightley has sworn off dating actors. This means you finally have a chance!

9.)               Star Jones is returning to The View. They’re letting her back on for one day to talk about heart disease prevention. One way to prevent heart disease is not to allow yourself to balloon up to 300 pounds, then deny you’ve had surgery when you magically lose 100 pounds in a month.

10.)           “Seal won’t shut up,” according to Heidi Klum, who is reportedly pissed that Seal is making the talk show rounds while her “sources” reported that she publicly announced the breakup to teach him a lesson.

11.)           COVER STORY: Demi Moore is spiraling out of control because she tried to get high in the way 12 year olds do at slumber parties. Jeeze, one little can of whipped cream and a trip to the hospital sure makes people start drawing strange conclusions.

12.)           A Teen Mom couple is getting MARRIED! And he is described as the “Groomzilla.”

13.)           Who doesn’t love Downton Abbey? Us Weekly has printed a list of 25 celebrities who watch the show. And I’ve heard of two-thirds of them!

14.)           Snooki missed a Valentine’s Day date because of a hangover. I, for one, am SHOCKED by this news. Snooki actually had a date??

15.)           Spinning classes are the latest Hollywood trend. I don’t know where Hollywood has been until now, since spinning is just riding a stationary bike and that’s been done for years.

16.)           1983 is BACK, people! Purple eye shadow is where it’s at, making me feel like I’m in 7^th grade all over again.

17.)           Yes, there was a “story,” made up entirely of pictures and captions, on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They don’t even have to do anything but exist.

18.)           There was a similar story about Prince William and Duchess Kate.

19.)           Stars go out with their children. It must be really hard to break into the nanny business with all this parenting going on.

20.)           Speaking of parenting, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are “co-parenting.” Which is usually what parents do, right? Right???

Stay tuned for next week when Ally Sheedy gets caught drinking too much Robotussin.

Welcome to my new feature – a blog about the stupid shit that is printed in People Weekly. Ah, but it’s People, so it will also include heartwarming stories about heroism while The Bachelor is on the cover. I would like to give mad props to my friend Sarah for coming up with the title of this new feature. So, without further adieu….

1.)          The inspiration for this new SusieWorld feature is the cover story about Heidi Klum and Seal’s breakup. People implied that, while the couple was informing their children of the sad news, the rest of the world was learning to cope with it, too. Because, yeah. Millions of complete strangers are just as affected by this as the COUPLE’S OWN CHILDREN. Totally. Oh, also I learned that Seal’s facial scars are the result of a childhood case of lupus.

2.)          Holy crap! Angelina Jolie is photographed out with her kids AGAIN! You’d think all she EVER does is be with her children based on the coverage of her being with her children. Oh, wait. She’s a mother. She probably enjoys spending time with her children.

3.)          Rihanna really likes paddle boarding. People enjoys running pictures of her on a paddle board in the least amount of clothing possible. Also, Rihanna enjoys wearing thong bikinis. But I learned that in Us. OOPS! Cheating!

4.)          Tim Roth, Willem Dafoe, Adrien Brody, and Gary Oldman walked the runway for Prada during Men’s Fashion Week. I had no idea there WAS a Men’s Fashion Week. Brody looked like Alan Cumming in his pic, but the rest looked pretty decent.

5.)          Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are “a world apart.” If that means he’s on another planet, I will go there. And I want to be the first human to be introduced to Johnny on another planet. If People is just referring to the moon, well, Newt Gingrich has plans for timeshares up there, so I’m not interested.

6.)          Jay-Z and Warren Buffett are totally tight. It’s a bromance. You can tell by the hand gestures Buffett makes in the photos.

7.)          Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s daughter Bella has met a very nice Scientology boy.

8.)          Jim Carrey’s daughter, Jane, auditioned for American Idol and OMG! SHE WENT TO HOLLYWOOD! Not that it’s a big deal since she probably grew up there.

9.)          Cindy Crawford’s 10-year-old daughter Kaia is getting into modeling. She’s stunning! But looks just like her mother, which means she looks 30.

10.)      Kelly Preston is a walking miracle. She had a baby at 48 and promptly lost all the baby weight. Maybe there IS something to this Scientology bullshit!

11.)      Joe Paterno died. It’s sad for Penn State fans. As to the Sandusky scandal, it was only mentioned as a “complicated legacy.”

12.)      HOLY FRIJOLES! Elizabeth Smart is engaged! You may remember this sweet Mormon girl as the long-time victim of kidnappers who survived and was reunited with her family. Now 24, there is nothing to report on the engagement story because Smart values her privacy. Yet, People managed to pull together one really long two-column paragraph about it.

13.)      Drew Barrymore is engaged and maybe this one will stick.

14.)      Gabrielle Giffords’ decision to leave Congress after surviving being shot in the head managed to get a tiny story on the page about births and deaths and court cases in celeb-land.

15.)      The captain of the Italian cruise ship that sank is a giant jackass.

16.)      “Fracking.” Have you heard of it? I have. I wrote a story about it. It’s the scary/dangerous act of “digging” for natural gas. And there’s a town in Pennsylvania where the flippin’ water catches on FIRE coming out of the tap as a result of fracking. HOLY WATER ON FIRE, BATMAN!

17.)      A teacher in Montana has disappeared. She has not been found, yet two arrests have been made in the case. I’m baffled. Saddened by her disappearance, but baffled that arrests could be made on kidnapping charges without probable cause. At least none that I could find in the story. So much for presumed innocence until proven guilty.

18.)      Christina Ricci was the theme of the People Weekly crossword puzzle.

19.)      Adele, for all her amazing talent, is one humble chick.

20.)      Things Kanye West has actually said regarding the Grammys:

a.)          Everybody wants to know what I would do if I didn’t win. I guess we’ll never know.

b.)         I’ve been working on this thing they told me about – humbleness. Humility. I don’t like it.

c.)          Whenever you say, “I want to be Elvis,” they say, “What’s wrong with you?” But I want to be Elvis.

21.)      Taylor Swift got to meet Paul McCartney. I guess Paul will meet nearly anyone these days, so why not me?

This man is a genius.

Comments welcome! What’s your favorite Paul McCartney/Beatles song? Mine for solo Paul is “Maybe I’m Amazed.” My Beatles Paul fave is probably Eleanor Rigby, but there are too many to choose from.

I have to come to grips with the following excerpt that was part of People Weekly’s cover story on the Heidi Klum/Seal breakup.

“While Klum and Seal (born Seal-henry Samuel) took great pains to help their four children – Leni, 7, Henry, 6, Johan, 5, and Lou, 2 – process the news at their L.A. home over the weekend, the rest of the world struggled to come to grips as well.”

This poor woman is just finding out about the tragedy that is the Klum/Seal breakup.

Clearly, the rest of the world’s investment in this relationship is just as strong as the couple’s children’s!! I had no idea I had to come to grips with the end of this relationship, so pardon me while I grab my tissues.

As a result of this bold statement by People reporters, I am now determined to give their magazine the attention it deserves by making fun of it in semi-weekly blogs.

I made this picture huge so you can see the war wounds on Seal's face.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are out with the kids. Again. Angie was teaching the kids about all the wonderful things you can get at the farmer’s market. Fascinating! This – and much, much more – is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)               The cover, as you might guess, is a giant picture of Heidi Klum and Seal. When a picture of Seal is that big you can really see that it looks as though he was blown up in a war. The headline is “Heidi’s Private Hell.” Maybe her hell was having to look at those scars every day and imagine the trauma he must have sustained to get them. Apparently, the happy marriage and amazing sex she spent years making public was all a sham. I don’t see how that can really be true since she gave birth to three of his children, but it’s in Us Weekly, so it must be true. According to one of those unnamed sources, “They were so in love! But a lot happened behind the scenes. He’s a very tough guy in a lot of ways.” He was apparently jealous of her success. BFD!

2.)               Also on the cover is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ own Taylor Armstrong, who talks about her memoir in which she claims her dead husband Russell tried to kill her. Honestly, I can’t make fun of this because spousal abuse and suicide are no laughing matter. But I bet Russell’s family is PISSED. Meanwhile, RHOBH housewife and glorious train wreck Kim Richards is still out of rehab. Not sure if she’s still sober. Since she’s been in rehab a handful of times already, I have a feeling a return visit is in her future. I hope it doesn’t take, because she’s much more entertaining when she’s denying she’s on something than when she’s not actually on something.

3.)               Did a baby save Kristin Cavillari’s engagement? There’s nothing like getting knocked up to keep a man. Especially if you’re a classy broad like Kristin, a rich bitch MTV reality superstar not quite on the Kardashian level. Now she’s become one of those horrible people who are famous for no reason and dating a football player. Poor Jay Cutler. He should have used a condom.

4.)               “Bachelor Ben” has reportedly falling into “Courtney’s Web of Deceit.” I positively abhor the entire “Bachelor” franchise, but this headline is too fascinating to skip reading the story. Courtney is the “meanest contestant ever?” Yeah. It’s a question posed by Us Weekly. Obviously, I don’t watch the show, so I have nothing to compare her to. But she sounds like just another catty bitch snarking about all the other girls while being desperate enough herself to land a husband on TV. ‘Cause THAT always works. Look at the success record of The Bachelor. Not one marriage that has lasted, if one ever happened at all.

5.)               You might want to sit down for this one. Snooki is actually a pretty girl when she doesn’t pile on the makeup.

6.)               Another classic headline: “A ’16 and Pregnant’ Star’s Big Regrets.” I’d imagine she’d only have one – getting pregnant at 16.

7.)               OMG, Mariah Carey! Please get a stylist who isn’t blind and start dressing like you’re not 23 anymore. You’re just gross. That is all.

8.)               Prince William is going to take a “scary trip” that will keep him away from the little woman for SIX WHOLE WEEKS. I don’t know if that’s the part about the trip that makes it so scary, though.

9.)               Katie Couric and Drake are Twitter friends. So are Ashton Kutcher and Michelle Obama, and, creepiest of all, Charlie Sheen and Miley Cyrus.

10.)           Last, but certainly not least, Mark Wahlberg, 40, told Men’s Journal that he would have prevented 9/11 if he were on one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center. Apparently, he was booked on one of the flights and changed his plans at the last minute. I will not make light of 9/11, but he actually said this: “[If I were on the plane], it wouldn’t have gone down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in the first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely.’” Then people got pissed off and he took it all back.

Until next week….don’t get pregnant at 16 to save your engagement to a guy you met on reality television who beats you because you dress too young for your age and body type, then go on a scary trip with Charlie Sheen. And, most importantly, don’t go bragging to the press about a perfect marriage when you’re secretly really unhappy. It just makes you look foolish.

Us Weekly isn’t even enough for this week’s edition. This is all about what I learned from the glossy pictures in Us AND the heartwarming stories from People Weekly. I’m so glad they’re weekly. Otherwise, I’d NEVER blog. So….

With all the face-sucking these two did, who'da thunk it'd be over just like that?

OH. MY. GOD. Everyone is breaking up! All these people whose relationships make the world go ‘round are splitting!!! And I don’t know what to do with myself. Heidi Klum and Seal’s breakup was nicely timed – right between press times – so I can’t talk about them except to say that my friend Michael spotted Seal on “Ellen” singing “Let’s Stay Together,” more famously performed by Al Green. Um…poor timing? Bad choices? You be the judge. In other breakup news…..

1.)               Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have split. Their relationship has lasted longer than anyone would have imagined being that he’s Johnny Depp (who makes me all gooey inside), the man who was once famous for trashing hotel rooms and owning the bar outside which River Phoenix died of an overdose. Yeah, he’s gotten all weird and French and stuff, but he’s Johnny Depp, man! Apparently, according to People, he has allowed people to photograph themselves with him and he’s all courteous and stuff. Not the Johnny Depp I know! Clearly something is wrong. He’s single. Or just one-half of a “free-spirited couple.”

2.)               Katy Perry’s face graces the cover of Us Weekly. Yet the story is about “Russell’s Shocking Tell-All.” I have yet to read the story because my job with this blog is to breeze through the magazine, occasionally read a snapshot caption, and comment like I’m better than these people. Which, of course, I am.

3.)               Paula Deen, queen of butter, is diabetic. Diabetes sucks. Perhaps the hardest part of the disease for those of us who are lucky enough not to have it is to hear Wilford Brimley’s pronunciation. But Paula Deen’s recipes, such as “Deep Fried Stuffing on a Stick” contain enough fat grams to cover a day’s serving. She’s only teaching people to cook to BECOME diabetic, not to cook FOR the diabetic.

4.)               The Justin Bieber movie made Duchess Kate “cry like a little schoolgirl.” I am biting back so many thoughts on this because Kate’s practically a princess and I’m practically a princess, so I don’t want to ruin either of our standings in the royalty realm.

5.)               Insane stat of the week: “When Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow threw his 80-yard pass to top the Pittsburgh Steelers January 8, the apostolic athlete, 24, also scored a social media win. He beat Beyonce’s celeb record for tweets per second with 9,420! She inspired 8,868 hits per second when she announced her pregnancy.”

6.)               STOP THE PRESSES! Denise Richards has designed a pair of pink pumps!!! Oh, okay. I guess I should mention all of the proceeds from the sale of the shoes will go to the Kidney Cancer Association.

7.)               Lea Michele, known best for “Glee,” will be the latest model for Candies. I wonder how they’ll exploit her clean teen image.

8.)               Christie Brinkley turns 58 on Groundhog Day. 58!!!!! Holy frijoles, she looks good!

9.)               In LOL news, Cameron Diaz and Diddy (aka Puff Daddy, aka P. Diddy, aka Sean “Puffy” Combs) are totally hooking up. She was witnessed “STRADDLING him” at a party. A witness said, “her hair was all crazy, her makeup was smeared, and they made out in front of EVERYONE.” (Caps used by me for EMPHASIS.) “She was acting like a teenager.” Somehow none of this surprises me. Cameron seems desperate and “Diddy” seems like the kind of phony who wants a hot white girl on his arm at his white parties.

10.)           I have finally come to the pages about “Russell’s Shocking Tell-All,” and there’s nothing to tell. The shock is that the tell-all hasn’t been written yet and Us Weekly chose four pages, mostly of giant pictures, to explain that Russell is usually very open about stuff and will probably write a tell-all. But there’s no tell-all here.

11.)           Poor Heather Locklear. She kind of seems to be losing it. And that sucks.

12.)           Forget breakups! Let’s talk hookups! Apparently there are rumors (old by now) that Chris Brown and Rihanna have gotten back together. How many times does a guy have to slap you around to get you to back off??? (Seriously – WTF is she thinking???)

13.)           Emily Maynard is going to be the next Bachelorette. I don’t know who she is and I don’t care.

14.)           House is on its last legs. I could have told you this a few seasons ago, but Us Weekly came up with it all on its own.

15.)           I cannot do justice to the “Fashion Police” photo of Patricia Arquette. She is wearing a white t-shirt under a maroon toga and carrying a blue/red plaid coat. Her purse is beige and her boots are white. I’ve never seen anything like it unless it was on Bjork.

Seriously. Why are girls so hot for THIS??

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake is officially off the market. Who cares? YOU DO! That’s why you’re reading this blog!

1.)          J-Tim (which is what he lets me call him) is apparently not to be trusted. He’s got a roving eye for the ladies and Jessica had better beware. Of course, if she hasn’t figured out that he’s a dog by now, she likely never will.

2.)          Sienna Miller is having a baby! And the father isn’t a happily married man or Jude Law. Sienna’s sister is all excited because she’s preggers, too, (with her third bambino) and she believes they’ll practically be giving birth in the same room. The fetus father is also totally tight with Robert Pattinson, though I’m not sure how that matters.

3.)          Megan Fox, Eva Longoria, and Kate Walsh all worked at fast-food restaurants before they became mildly talented, much-photographed celebs. Megan Fox was even given the option to wear an apple or banana costume because she worked at a smoothie joint. She says she always chose the banana costume because it’s phallic. No. I kid. It was because “it was thinner.” Even people dressed as fruit can be vain, I suppose.

4.)          If their lives were made into movies, here’s who these celebs would cast as themselves. Fortunately, I don’t think anyone would pay to see the films, so they’ll never be made.

1. Justin Timberlake as Elton John
2. Hilary Duff as Kylie Minogue
3. Marisa Tomei as Lady Gaga
4. Gabourey Sidibe as Whoopi Goldberg

5.)          Angelina Jolie left the house with one of her kids again. This one was armed with a toy gun.

6.)          Who’s that Raymond guy? ‘Cause everyone loves Betty White and can’t seem to stop talking about her. Like remaining lucid at 90 is a big deal. Sheesh.

7.)          OMG! OMG! OMG! Wills and Kate went to the movies!!!!!!

8.)          Scary-thin Leann Rimes apparently has her diet controlled by her husband – the one she started seeing while they were both married. He orders her steamed veggies for her. Isn’t that sweet?

9.)          Gossip Girl is filming its 100^th episode and I’m proud to say I’ve watched every one. Okay, maybe proud isn’t the right word. These aren’t the kind of records that’ll get me in the books.

10.)      Famous ladies wear some really fucked up shoes. Really fucked up.

11.)      Kingston Rossdale, the adorable spawn of Gwen Stefani, likes to have his fingernails polished.

12.)      The Bachelor “winner” Vienna Girardi had a tattoo removed. It was a fairy on her hip. I don’t know why someone would want to get rid of a design that clearly has such deep meaning.

13.)      Famous gay people are getting married! Woohoo! Congratulations to Alan Cumming and Isaac Mizrahi. I find Isaac completely irritating, but Alan released a fragrance called “Cumming” and as a result has my utmost respect and adoration.

14.)      Katy Perry “demands that (Russell) Brand get his possessions out of her sight.” Just because he’s addicted to drugs and sex doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have a place to keep his crack pipe and leather undies.

15.)      Okay, back to my good friend J-Tim. He has flirted and likely slept with Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Olivia Munn, Kate Hudson, Ciara, and Rihanna. Many of these relationships were while he was allegedly with Jessica Biel. Tell me why he’s not to be trusted again?

16.)      One of MTV’s teen moms is going to be a teen mom again. 19-year-old Leah Messer, who already has twins by her ex-husband, is knocked up again. Word is her IUD failed. I’m not one to get preachy, but maybe not being such a little slut would prevent pregnancy. (I kid, again.)

17.)      A friend of a friend was evicted from the maternity ward so Beyonce could have Jay-Z’s baby. The fact that they’re denying all these rumors that they demanded special treatment leads me to believe that they demanded special treatment. Meanwhile, they named their daughter “Blue.”

18.)      Drew Barrymore and Halle Berry are ENGAGED! Also, Adele has found love. Finally. The headline reads Adele: How She Finally Found Love. Apparently, being single and 21 is virtual spinsterhood!

19.)      There’s a bunch of stuff about The Bachelor that I probably didn’t know, but I didn’t read the article.

20.)      People can’t stop talking about Mark Wahlberg being a dad. The dude’s got four kids and a wife, so this is not exactly newsworthy, yet every magazine I got this week has a story on Marky-Mark the family man.

21.)      All the Kardashians like to wear bow ties.

22.)      And in advertising news, “super-powerful ‘diet pills’” are making a comeback. I’m scared. Because the words “diet pills” were actually in quotation marks.

1.)     Rob Lowe needs to find a new tanning place.

2.)     Kate Winslet wins a lot of awards.

3.)     I don’t watch nearly as much TV as I’d once thought. Who ARE all these people??

4.)     People are really grateful for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Not so grateful to their agents and God.

5.)     Queen Latifah and Mary J. Blige don’t like Madonna. At all.

6.)     I think Katherine McPhee’s eye makeup got all over Debra Messing’s eyes.

7.)     Okay. Now Brad Pitt is just TRYING to look ugly.

8.)     Seth Rogan was not kidding about that erection. Kate Beckinsale is hot and I’d totally hit that if I were a lesbian.

9.)     Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t seem to realize people are laughing at her horrible, horrible dress.

10.)   Acceptance speeches are so much shorter when you fast-forward through them.

11.)   It’s hard to tell if Jessica Lange had bad work done on her face or just hasn’t aged as gracefully as I’d have thought.

12.)   My husband things Madonna “still looks pretty good for her age.”

13.)   And the award for Best Supporting Garment goes to…. SPANX!

14.)   I didn’t think they’d include Morgan Freeman’s incredible work from The Electric Company in his montage. I am happily surprised.

15.)   That Martin Scorcese guy does a mean Woody Allen impersonation.

16.)   Modern Family is the only network show to win anything! I think it’s also the only thing I watch that won anything. Seriously. Who ARE these people??

17.)   Mark Wahlberg is so not impressed with the list of impressive nominees.

18.)   A silent film won best comedy movie. Scriptwriters everywhere are shaking their fists at God.

18.)   What got trapped under Natalie Portman’s dress? I get that you can get toilet paper stuck to your shoe, but to get a whole toilet stuck to your underwear? Crazy!

19.)   I hope they bring Cary Grant back from the dead to play the lead in The George Clooney Story.

20.)   As far as I know, Ricky Gervais only swore ONCE!

I mean LOOK at the guy! He looks like Charles Manson's crazier brother!

So the breakup of Katy Perry and Russell Brand is the cover story of this week’s issue of Us. What I learned without even cracking the cover open is that Ms. Perry is a little late to the party in which the entire world realized Russell Brand is a crazy man. Nevertheless here’s this week’s Us Weekly roundup….

1.)                Katy Perry’s side of the story is that she was married to a crazy man. And he hated her friends. And he hated being Mr. Katy Perry.

2.)                Sandra Bullock is ready to start dating again, thanks to her son Louis. I don’t know what a 2-year-old has to say about mommy dating, but I’d guess it wouldn’t be much.

3.)                Andy Cohen, of Bravo TV fame, loves ladies with side ponies. We have something in common, as I believe side ponies should never go out of style!

4.)                Crystal Harris, who is perhaps best known for her gigantic tit… uh … leaving Hugh Hefner at the altar, wants her dog back. She left Hef and the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel “Charlie” back in June and now she says he can keep the ring and the Bentley, but she suddenly wants the dog back. Sorry, Crystal. You’re a bad doggie mom for ditching the pups along with the nups.

5.)                Je ne give a damn pas about what Stacy Kiebler (aka George Clooney’s future ex-girlfriend) keeps in her purse. But she does have a gum addiction and that’s important to know.

6.)                Adam Sandler, Camille Grammer, Christina Hendricks, and Lady Gaga all got their starts on MTV. They appeared on Remote Control, Club MTV, Undressed, and Boiling Points, respectively. This was something I actually didn’t know and is actually somewhat interesting. Okay, not interesting anymore. Moving on…

7.)                Robert Downey, Jr. met Sting in 1984 when he served the lead singer of The Police tea at a restaurant in SoHo.

8.)                SNL’s Jason Sudeikis apparently has a way with the ladies. Now he’s dating Olivia Wilde, who divorced a frigging PRINCE a year or two ago. She didn’t divorce the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. She left an actual prince to date a clown.

9.)                If you’re everybody who’s anybody, you’re either in Hawaii or Aspen right now. Clearly, I’m nobody. ‘Cause I’m right here, which is most certainly NOT Hawaii or Aspen.

10.)            Scarlett Johansson was a really funny looking kid.

11.)            The thing to do in celebrity circles is to have babies first, ask questions (like “will you marry me?”) later.

12.)            Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Abrosio is about to get fat, to the delight of chubby girls everywhere. She’s preggers with Baby No. 2.

13.)            Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are dating. If they decide to have babies, I hope they turn out really ugly. Doesn’t beauty skip a generation?

14.)            Angelina Jolie has a lot of kids. But that’s not what I learned. I learned she’s begging the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for votes for her film “In the Land of Blood and Honey.”

15.)            LeBron James is off the market. In other news, who cares?

16.)            Brandi Glanville, bitter ex-wife of Eddie Cibrian and current Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, remarried in Las Vegas on New Year’s Day. Apparently, she’s just a tad impulsive because after tweeting “I’m married again – suuuuuuck it,” she admitted that the stunt was designed solely to get attention. They plan to have the union annulled if it was even legal in the first place.

17.)            I’m not sure even Harry Connick, Jr. can make me interested in Law & Order: SVU again. That show ran its course about five years ago.

18.)            Don’t fly or you could die. Lesson learned from Heavy D., whose death has been attributed to a pulmonary embolism that likely developed on a flight from London to LA.

19.)            I take back what I said last week about the constantly jilted Jessica Biel. Word is that Justin Timberlake actually proposed. His agent isn’t going to like that very much. No one likes an off-the-market teen idol.

20.)            Ashton Kutcher was apparently reaching Tiger Woods status on the cheating scale while married to Demi Moore.

21.)            I really, REALLY don’t care about The Bachelor. And he’s kind of ugly.

22.)            There are a lot of really bad shows that have somehow made it onto television. And not all of them are Jersey Shore.

23.)            The best way stars burn calories is by hiring high-paid fitness trainers, then telling readers they can do the same thing!

24.)            Get ready for winter (which has yet to arrive in California) by getting a really, REALLY bright coat. Look like a peacock because that’s what Jennifer Lopez looks like.

25.)            Long hair is in. Shaggy bobs are out. I feel for all the poor people who just got shaggy bobs before being told this crucial information. Fortunately, I was not one of them.

And now, back to the grind of another week. I bid you adieu until my next issue arrives or until I come up with some other brilliant thing to blog about.

This week’s issue was The Diet Issue. I hate this issue. But here’s what I learned:

1.)     Kris Kardashian klaims she sang in her very own music video back in 1985. The song? “I Love My Friends.”  Klassy, Kris. Krazy klassy! 

2.)     There is an actress named Fan Bingbing. I’m not kidding.

3.)     Katie Holmes actually calls Victoria Beckham before events so they can coordinate their outfits. I do this with my friends all the time! Okay, it’s been a while. I haven’t done it since 7^th grade.

4.)     Duchess Kate gets photographed a lot. Oftentimes she’s wearing some ridiculous hat.

5.)     Mariah Carey dresses like a 19-year-old hooker. Even in ads for Jenny Craig.

6.)     Kendra and Hank Baskett work out. (Insert LMFAO lyric here.)

7.)     Red jeans are really in. I was clued into this fad by my friend Ericka, who wasn’t wearing them, thank God. I haven’t worn red jeans since my mother used to buy me Toughskins at Sears in the ‘70s.

8.)     Besides being the most boring TV host alive, Maria Menounos really likes vodka.

9.)     Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves are getting married. I don’t much see the point, but whatevs.

10.)   Backstreet Boy and former rehab resident AJ McLean had a goth wedding.

11.)   Mark Wahlberg is a family man. Having a wife and kids will do that to a guy.

12.)   American Idol runner up David Archuleta, 21, is leaving music to become a Mormon missionary. At least he has enough money to buy a trunkload of short-sleeved shirts and skinny ties.

13.)   I would like to sue the company that is suing Snooki for reneging on a deal to produce “merchandise lines.” She’s doing you a favor, SRG Ventures. She’s doing us ALL a favor!

14.)   Gerard Butler was hospitalized after getting pummeled by a wave while filming a movie. The movie is about a guy from my hometown of Santa Cruz, CA and I can promise you that the waves at Mavericks don’t give a damn if you’re a celebrity.

15.)   James Franco has been cast as Hugh Hefner in the Linda Lovelace biopic. Shockingly, Lindsay Lohan is no longer listed in the cast.

16.)   Jessica Biel appears desperate again in yet another story about Justin Timberlake not proposing.

17.)   Among the year’s worst trends were denim short onesies (aka “rompers”). Khloe Kardashian was pictured in one and she looked like a slutty Amazonian toddler. No one over the age of 4 should be caught in something called a “romper.”

18.)   Celebrities with millions of dollars and personal trainers at their disposal are willing to share their diet secrets with the everywoman. You, too, can “eat like a star!” Assuming everything you eat is either an egg white omelet without cheese or a thimbleful of almonds.