susieworld

Kim Kardashian has made yet another bad relationship choice by dating Kanye West. But Kimye, as they are known, is sure to provide me with a lot of material in upcoming blogs! More about them later. Meanwhile….

1.)             Christina Aguilera, 31, received a “makeover” for The Voice. She now looks like a high-class call girl rather than a two-bit hooker.

2.)             The NYPD might want to consider hiring Ryan Gosling. He’s an NYC superhero after breaking up a fight last year and, more recently, saving a woman from being hit by a cab.

3.)             Donald Trump has come around and is allowing Canadian transgender Miss Universe contestant Jenna Talackova to compete in the pageant. Us Weekly delightfully pointed out the beauty queen’s close resemblance to Donald’s daughter Ivanka. It’s uncanny!

4.)             Jessica Simpson is the featured star in the “What’s in My Bag” feature. Not among the crap in her purse – condoms. Which explains her current condition.

5.)             James Bond will be giving up his martinis and picking up a Heineken instead in the upcoming Bond flick. This is the result of a $45 million product placement deal.

6.)             Betty White on turning 80: “I’m still just as horny as I’ve ever been.”

7.)             Tunics are in this season. But pants are not.

8.)             “Fast Food Flames” Justin Bieber, 18, and Selena Gomez, 19, were snapped picnicking on Subway sandwiches. WHO THE F*CK CARES??

9.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump says the secret to a long-lasting relationship is to “Take a lover!”

10.)       Famous father Levi Johnston, ex-boyfriend of Bristol Palin, has proven once again that he has strong swimmers. He has knocked up his current girlfriend.

11.)       The Olympics are officially ruined. Ryan Seacrest has been tapped to cover theLondongames.

12.)       Poor Amanda Bynes. When you drive drunk, it’s never a good idea to plow into a police car. Needless to say, she has been added to the ever-growing list of celebs with DUIs.

13.)       Serial dater Jennifer Love Hewitt has set her sights on Adam Levine after hearing about his tragic breakup. Save yourself, Adam! Run!!

14.)       Jennie Garth can’t seem to stop blabbing about how the failure of her marriage should be blamed on her soon-to-be ex Peter Facinelli. But he is “taking the high road” and keeping his trap shut. Good boy. Now if he’d promise never to make another Twilight movie….

15.)       Speaking of Twilight, Robert Pattinson is apparently very insecure when it comes to his bod. Recent pictures of him paddleboarding surfaced and he was all embarrassed because he was photographed without a shirt. Of course, Us Weekly ran this little blurb with a picture of ol’ Rob without a shirt.

16.)       Oh, Lord! Say it ain’t so! Bachelor “winner” Courtney Robertson was recently overheard saying she wants a baby. Eek!

17.)       According to Us, Kim and Kanye are “meant to be” because they “work hard, love luxury, and bask in the spotlight.” I do all those things too, but I can guarantee I’m not compatible with Kanye! One more reason these two are destined for each other – they both wear fur. Booo!!! Meanwhile, on the marriage front, Kanye reportedly threatened Kim’s ex (but still current husband) with having his friend Jay-Z fire Krissy from the New Jersey Nets. Jay owns the team, but doesn’t have the power to fire players.

18.)        In other Kardashian news, Khloe K. and Lamar Odom are returning toL.A.He apparently didn’t likeTexasand quit the Dallas Mavericks after a rocky four months with the team. He says he’ll sign on with another team next year. But really, who wants a quitter? Just ask Sarah Palin.

19.)       Katy Perry wants Russell Brand back. Really??

20.)       Reese Witherspoon had a “babymoon” inCosta Ricawith her hubby and kids. When was the babymoon invented? And how come no one told me about it? Maybe I’d be preggers by now if I knew there was a tropical getaway in it for me. (Okay, not really.)

21.)       Clearly capable of making smart choices, Teen Mom star Leah Messer has married for the second time and she’s not even 20 yet. Plus, Us Weekly says she’s still in love with her baby daddy. Or babies daddy, since she’s the mother of twins.

22.)       How stars get motivated to work out:

a.)               Pump upbeat tunes (suggested: Skrillex and Britney Spears – that would motivate me to run. Far away from my iPod.)

b.)               Do something different. Bust out of that cardio rut with yoga!

c.)               Pick up bright duds! Some starlet I’ve never heard of says she never wanted to go to the gym because all she wore were her 7^th grade shorts. So she bought         some brightly colored workout clothes and says she’s motivated because “I look awesome!”

d.)              Track your training. Reese Witherspoon puts a smiley face on the workout days on which she felt pain.

e.)               Try a hot new trend. Which is Bikram yoga.

f.)                Eat sanely. Well, DUH!

g.)               Get techy – Use that Nintendo Wii, girls!

h.)              Set a shape goal. Apparently, my shape goal is “large hourglass.”

i.)                 Score a cheap trainer. Nevermind the old adage, “You get what you pay for.”

j.)                 Slip into new sneaks. New shoes – new life!

23.)       Want the latest in doggy-human fashion? Gold collar necklaces are where it’s at!

24.)       There are little bios on the five members of One Direction. I wish the one direction they would go is away!

25.)       Wanna look fat? Try the latest trend of patterned pants! Not even the aforementioned workout tips will help you look good in these!

26.)       Ooh! The Real Housewives of New Jersey is back! Well, soon anyway. I, for one, can’t wait! This is the best train wreck TV has to offer!

I didn’t think I’d learn quite so much this week! I hope you learned a lot, too. Thank you, dear readers. You keep me going! Truly!

Michelle Williams is the cover star of this week’s Us Weekly. I really don’t know what to do with myself without a cover story about the Kardashians or The Bachelor. But there’s good news – there are non-cover stories about the Kardashians and The Bachelor, so we can all breathe easy. Anyhoo…here’s what I learned this week!

1.)               Divorce is messy, as evidenced by Christie Brinkley and her ex Peter Cook whose divorce was finalized four years ago. She says he’s not paying child support. He says he’s paid in full. Sorry, Pete, but child support doesn’t go away just because you think you’ve paid enough. Man up, grow a pair, and provide for your kids, jackass.

2.)               Anne Hathaway is starving herself after being told to lose 16 pounds in less than three weeks. Fuck you,Hollywood, for demands like this!!

3.)               “My Strange Addiction” isn’t just for weirdo nobodies. Kristen Chenoweth saves, polishes, and photographs quarters. Jennifer Aniston must step onto an airplane right foot first. Jesse Eisenberg adopts more cats every time he makes a film. And Lady Gaga rubs her feet together when she’s lonely.

4.)               I am not the only one who was tortured by an older sibling as a child. Emily Deschanel apparently pretended to be an alien to make her younger sister Zooey cry. Maggie Gyllenhaal pretended her brother Jake was a cat and made him drink milk from a bowl. And Robert Pattinson’s sisters dressed him up as a girl and introduced himself to other people as “Claudia.”  Thanks, big brother Jon, for going a little easier on me than this.

5.)               A judge “ordered” Lindsay Lohan to quit partying, but 80% of Us Weekly readers don’t think she’ll give up her wild lifestyle.

6.)               Quote of the issue: [It makes me] feel like throwing up. I wish I could say ‘Oh, it’s the Celine Dion song.’ But I don’t. I sit straight-faced, with a massive eternal eye-roll.” –Titanic star Kate Winslet.

7.)               James Franco does a really good Kid Rock impersonation, looks-wise, for an upcoming role as a rapper.

8.)               Rihanna doesn’t like to wear pants.

9.)               The Twitterverse learned about Adam Levine’s breakup before Adam Levine did. His ex broke up with him from across the country. Actually, I don’t know if she made the announcement on Twitter, but she did make the news public before breaking it to the Maroon 5 singer because she “didn’t want it to look like he broke up with her.”

10.)           Everyone is quitting Saturday Night Live. Okay, not really. Just the three biggest stars – Kristin Wiig, Andy Samberg, and Jason Sudekis.

11.)          Victoria“Posh Spice” Beckham goes out to restaurants and orders only lettuce.

12.)           Teresa Giudice says Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t look as bad in person as it does on TV. In other “Celebrity Apprentice” news, Arsenio Hall really doesn’t like Aubrey O’Day. I don’t think I like her either because I feel like I’m supposed to know who the hell she is.

13.)           Prince Harry has moved into his own apartment – inKensingtonPalace.

14.)           Heidi Klum has been tapped to host CBS’s “Clash of the Commercials –USAvs. the World,” which will be an interactive countdown special due to air in May. Goodie! Another show Heidi Klum hosts that I won’t be watching.

15.)           Verne “Mini Me” Troyer plans to write a tell-all autobiography.

16.)           As previously reported on Facebook, Ashton Kutcher has been cast as Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic. Also, as previously reported, I think this is HILARIOUS. And a little sad.

17.)           In non-news, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are still happily married, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are not splitting up, and Denise Richards has hooked up again with Richie Sambora.

18.)           Michelle Williams has found love after tragedy because she’s gone on a few dates with Jason Segal. I had no idea finding love was so easy! But really, this story is just a way for Us Weekly to write about Heath Ledger’s death again.

19.)           KARDASHIAN KONFIDENTIAL: They’re all photographed in bikinis and Scott Disick, aka Mr. Kourtney, has a $13,000 tote bag. Kim has also dropped a little weight, but none of it in her hips and ass.

20.)           There’s a new show coming out on HBO called “Girls.” It’s about girls, of course. Four of them. So the obvious “Sex and the City” comparisons have been made. The two shows have nothing else in common.

21.)           BACHELOR BITCH NEWS: The wedding’s ON! But there’s no date, no dress, no nothing. I’ll believe it when I see it. But then, I won’t watch, so I guess I’ll just never believe it.

22.)           It costs a lot to look like you didn’t spend much money. Leann Rimes looks comfortably casual in $10,000 worth of clothes and accessories, while Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham were decked out in $18,000 and $53,000 outfits. Do these women believe in donating a little bit to charity??

23.)           THE HILLS HOOCHIE: Lauren Conrad dishes about her show that has been off the air for several years now. She does it in the form of a book, which I’m going to guess was written by a ghost writer.

24.)           TREND WATCH: Blue maxi skirts are where it’s at, ladies! No other colors. Just blue. And it must be the right shade of blue. Not sky blue, not navy blue. Just blue. Don’t screw this up!

Stay tuned for next week’s report for more on all the celebrities you never knew existed!

I am shocked - SHOCKED - that the divorce is taking longer than the length of the marriage. These things usually take no time at all!

Poor, poor Kim Kardashian. Her ex-husband is making her charmed life a little difficult. She’s making my not-so-charmed life a little difficult, too, as I’m having a really hard time feeling sorry for her. There’s so much to talk about thanks to this week’s Us Weekly.

1.)               “The party’s over” for Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame. He checked into rehab for an addiction to prescription pills, which means he will probably have to quit all his other vices as well. No drinking at the Jersey Shore makes for a very dull show. Do I smell cancellation? Gawd, I hope so!

2.)               “Dial the D-List!” You, if you are moronic enough, can pay some of your hard-earned cash to get parenting advice from the likes of Michael Lohan! A membership to “Dial A Star” is only $50+ per minute! Other “celebs” offering their expert advice include Octomom and former Real Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub. If you can’t take advice from these class acts, who can you take advice from??

3.)               Richard Gere says “Pretty Woman” was a “big mistake.” Nevermind that a whole generation of people who didn’t know who the heck he was were introduced to him in that movie.

4.)               Great quote from the rarely funny Jenny McCarthy: “Why are chicks on tampon commercials so happy and dressed nice? [It should be] a girl in baggy sweats giving the finger to strangers.” How true!

5.)               Stars are “just like Us” because they’re photographed doing mundane things like toting their own luggage or paying a parking meter. But in this week’s issue, there’s a photo of Snooki taking out the trash. She must be wearing camouflage because it’s hard to tell the difference between her and the garbage.

6.)               Miley Cyrus is getting a jump on marriage by wearing a diamond ring on her left hand before her boyfriend Liam Helmsworth has even popped the question. I smell desperation.

7.)               Real Housewives of New Jersey star Melissa Gorga says the way she keeps her marriage happy is by pretending she’s her husband’s girlfriend and that he can’t have her. “Men want what they can’t have. When is everyone going to realize this?” Ummm… never?

8.)               Meanwhile, in Beckhamville, David Beckham says his marriage has survived because he likes changing diapers. Now that’s more like it!

9.)               Michelle Williams has found love again! Because she’s gone on a handful of dates with Jason Segal. If only finding love were so easy for real people.

10.)           Oh no! It’s over between Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana! Trouble is, I had no idea it had even started.

11.)           The latest dating rumor is that Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna are hooking up. He may cheat on her, but he probably won’t beat her up, so there’s that.

12.)           In the “VIP Scene” feature, unnamed sources tell Us Weekly about all the important things celebrities have been seen doing – like eating or being offered a seat on a crowded subway.

13.)           Bobby Brown got a DUI. Surprisingly, it’s only his second.

14.)           There is a five page story on Kim Kardashian’s troubled life since splitting with Kris Humphries. I’d tell you all about it, but that would mean I’d have to read it.

15.)           Pregnant Jessica Simpson is not shy about speaking her mind. From feeling like she has a bowling ball sitting on her hoo-ha to proclaiming she has an affliction called “swamp ass,” someone needs to tell this girl to shut the hell up and hire a stylist.

16.)           There’s a feature on celebrity makeovers, which is always nice because it means the celebrities featured in it used to be all homely before Hollywood got it’s sticky little hands on them. Among these formerly homely stars are Sofia Vergara, Miley Cyrus (who still needs work, IMHO), Jennifer Lawrence, and Adele. Also included on the list is Charlize Theron, who apparently needed a whopping 15 years to get herself looking decent.

17.)           In the requisite “Stars Without Makeup” feature, most people feel that stars look better with tons of makeup. I’m inclined to disagree, but what do I know. I’m just an Us Weekly reader who is never polled in Rockefeller Center.

18.)           Did you know you can “lose five pounds with heels?” Guys – take this into consideration!

19.)           There’s a little instruction manual on how to get bikini ready in four weeks. I suppose it’s possible if you start out at 120 pounds and go from there.

20.)           Ladies – ALWAYS exfoliate before putting on a backless dress. No one wants to see backne.

21.)           Tyson Ritter, lead singer of All-American Rejects, tells Us what’s on his e-reader. Among his selections is Cannery Row by John Steinbeck. Sometimes I think people just make this shit up to sound more intelligent than they really are.

So that’s about it. I learned SO MUCH this week, except about Kim Kardashian, but I’m okay with that and I hope you are, too.

I’m not quite sure what to do with myself without having a Bachelor cover story to rag on. This week, it’s Reese Witherspoon announcing her happy pregnancy news. How am I supposed to make fun of THAT?

1.)                In other happy news, Charlize Theron adopted a baby boy.

2.)                J. Lo is proving my theory that she is a serial monogamist by moving in with her latest boy toy. She’s 42 and he’s 24. She admits she doesn’t know why she’s with him. So why be with him? Whatevs, Jenny from the block.

3.)                Four stars admit they did terrible things to their Barbie dolls growing up. My favorite is Jessica Biel’s tradition of ripping their heads off and putting them on Christmas lights to decorate the tree. Brilliant!

4.)                Russell Brand was arrested for something. But that’s not news.

5.)                Everybody’s favorite political sexpot George Clooney was also arrested. But he looked much more handsome than Brand.

6.)                Jessica Simpson said pregnancy sex is the best. She says the “big O” is an even BIGGER O when you’re knocked up. Quite frankly, I’m surprised this news wasn’t delivered by her father.

7.)                Duchess Kate is still on her own while William is out doing military princely things. She is doing normal, duchessy things, I guess. Like being photographed just breathing.

8.)                Wow. Snooki is only 3 months along and she already looks as fat as she did before she got pregnant.

9.)                Rihanna is just like “Us” because she does her own grocery shopping. But she’s not really like me at all because I have a house boy to do that for me.

10.)            Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott co-parent. BFD!

11.)            The requisite Angelina Jolie’s kids story calls Zahara and Shiloh “goofy” because they make silly faces for the camera. They’re KIDS for cripes sake.

12.)            Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos are to blame for a new reality show about cheerleading. I hope it’s as good as “Dance Moms.”

13.)            Speaking of reality shows, Teen Mom’s upcoming season will be its last. Clearly this is so MTV can showcase Teen Mom 2.

14.)            Jennifer Aniston is decorating her new house. There is a lovely aerial photo of the property, which comes complete with a pool that Us Weekly circled and labeled “swimming pool” for those who have never seen one before.

15.)            Miley Cyrus is causing trouble again. She’s going clubbing and making an idiot of herself. So much so that her boyfriend gets embarrassed for her. I’m glad someone else gets embarrassed for her besides me. It’s a big responsibility.

16.)            Reese Witherspoon is a really cute pregnant girl.

17.)            Unlike Jessica Simpson, who can’t seem to dress herself like a normal person. The bitch had a THREE-DAY baby shower!

18.)            I don’t know what went wrong in Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli’s marriage, despite the headline that tells me I will learn what went wrong. Oh, wait. She’s jealous of his Twilight career.

19.)            I KNEW I couldn’t get through an entire issue without a Bachelor story. Ben and Courtney are moving in together. I wonder if they lied to each other about the rent.

20.)            Orange is one of the colors for spring. Yuck. I’ll stick with my springy black.

Really, this issue was all pictures and captions. I haven’t cared less about an Us Weekly since I started doing this blog. The only upside, really, is seeing pictures of celebs wearing coveralls. Not a good look for anyone.

I am shocked (SHOCKED!) that there was some lying going on during this season's Bachelor.

GAWD, I’m so sick of The Bachelor! The season is over, so you’d think the stories would be, too, but NOOOOO! I’ll get back to that in a minute. Here’s more of what I learned this week:

1.)                Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz are finito and Us Weekly tells us “what went wrong.” Actually, Us Weekly doesn’t tell me anything of the sort. They broke up and it was mutual. I’m disappointed. No lies? No cheating? What the frick??

2.)                Lindsay Lohan has apparently looked like a lot of other celebs over the years. Among them, Frankie Muniz, Emma Stone, Victoria Gotti, and my personal favorite, Debbie Harry. Apparently, 66-year-old Debbie was mistaken for Lindsay in NYC recently. Hi-larious!

3.)                Dancing with the “Stars” pro Derek Hough tells Us 25 things we don’t know about him. I skipped the list because I want to maintain my lack of knowledge about this guy.

4.)                Mad Men’s Elizabeth Moss is bad-mouthing her ex, SNL Obama portrayer Fred Armisen. “He’s so great at doing impersonations, but the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.”

5.)                There’s a feature called “What’s in my bag?” that describes what celebs carry in their purses. This week’s “celeb” is J-Woww from Jersey Shore and I was shocked there wasn’t a Costo-sized box of condoms in her ugly-ass bag.

6.)                Jennifer Love Hewitt apparently vajazzles herself. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight without nightmares about this.

7.)                Stars are just like Us because Kim Kardashian pumps her own gas and Halle Berry obsesses over shoes.

8.)                Kendra Wilkinson was photographed out and about with hubby Hank Baskett and son Hank IV. All I learned from this is that white girls look ridiculous with cornrows.

9.)                Everybody’s excited about The Hunger Games. Swell.

10.)            Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown wants to go by Kristina because she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her batshit crazy father.

11.)            Holy frijoles! Ferris Bueller is 50!

12.)            Dennis Quaid is divorcing his wife, who kinda looks like a younger Meg Ryan. Guess he has a type.

13.)            Jason Segal and Michelle Williams went out on a date. Maybe they’ll be getting married next!

14.)            Sorry, ladies. Ryan Gosling is off the market. Eva Mendes wants him to move in. I don’t understand the Gosling obsession some people have. Maybe because I’ve lasted this long without watching The Notebook.

15.)            Okay – we’ve arrived at the permanent Bachelor part of this issue. Page 42 seems to be dedicated to this show. Ben proposed to Courtney the bitch, but was caught seeing other people. Someone who has even less of a life than I did a little study on the couple’s body language in the reunion show. According to their body language, they’re not going to make it. This is so sad because all the other Bachelor couples have had such successful relationships!

16.)            Rihanna is “still not over Chris.” Someone will have to beat some sense into her.

17.)            Kanye West, famous for saying George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people, and I guess for a few rap songs, has his eyes set on Kim Kardashian. I, for one, can’t wait to see how this plays out. Meanwhile, Kim has expressed an interest in God-fearing QB Tim Tebow. I would actually PAY to see that relationship happen.

18.)            When Us Weekly isn’t covering The Bachelor, it’s covering the Brangelina brood. More often than not, they aren’t actually DOING anything but going out in public. The entire two-page spread is a mess of pictures and captions because THERE IS NO STORY HERE!

19.)            Here’s some breaking news – the pushup is making a comeback in the fitness world because Michelle Obama did one on the Ellen show.

20.)            I leave you with this – and you might want to go out and purchase this issue for this story alone – Us Weekly offers four tips on how to ROCK A KIMONO.

Stay tuned next week when we learn how to rock a muumuu. In a word – Bedazzler!

OMG! TMI!

Hello, faithful readers. Didja miss me last week? I took a few days off to go get loaded in wine country and last week’s issue was on the tired subject of Courtney from the Bachelor, so I decided to spend my time doing something more productive – drinking loads of delicious wine. But now I’m back and yes, ladies and gentlemen, Snooki is preggers. Oh em gee! I learned more about her stupidity than I ever cared to know by reading this week’s issue of Us Weekly.

1.)               Demi Moore is out of rehab, but continues to act like a teenager by asking all her friends if ex-husband Ashton Kutcher is seeing another woman. I guess when you’re doing whip-its in your 40s, you need to stick with the program of acting like you’re in middle school.

2.)               Justin Bieber turned 18 and received a Costco membership from Ryan Seacrest.

3.)               Older actors continue to rob the cradle when it comes to the girls they’re dating. An example: Katie Holmes was 5 when Tom Cruise danced in his undies in Risky Business.

4.)               Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy style is worse than her regular style. I don’t like to make fun of weight gains, since I’ve never been pregnant and am no Victoria’s Secret model myself, but Jessica’s outfits emphasize her HUGE pregnancy weight gain. It could be because her pregnancy cravings include Cap’n Crunch cereal and buttered Pop Tarts. In a photo taken at a Beverly Hills pool, she resembles a fat Kirstie Alley more than she resembles herself.

5.)               Brangelina’s daughter Vivienne wears lipstick. She’s 3.

6.)               There is a list of 25 stars who are addicted to Facebook. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

7.)               Stars are “just like Us” because they walk their dogs, work out shirtless, and sit front row at NBA games.

8.)               Howard Stern is the latest judge tapped to join America’s Got Talent. Can’t wait to see what he considers “talent.”

9.)               Brad Paisley’s marriage advice is this: “Pick the right person.” Thanks for that, Brad. Very helpful.

10.)           Katy Perry is “secretly” texting back and forth with Robert Pattinson of “Twilight” fame. But since Us is reporting it, the secret is out!

11.)           Scarlett Johansson is no longer speaking to her ex, Ryan Reynolds, because he’s dating Blake Lively and she wanted to reconcile. The lesson to learn from this is when you don’t get your way, give ‘em the silent treatment.

12.)           The headline of the Snooki pregnancy story is “We’re not going to screw this up.” Um…too late! And apparently 19% of Us Weekly readers are brain dead after having told Us Weekly that they think Snooki will be a good mom. In a little pregnancy quiz, Snooks admitted to thinking you only need to feed a newborn four times a day. Maybe she wants an anorexic infant. Morning sickness also apparently mirrors hangover symptoms.

13.)           Bachelor Ben, clearly the ugliest of the Bachelors, lied to bitchy Courtney about seeing other people. Since I know all I need to know about The Bachelor by reading Us Weekly, I’d say she deserves it.

14.)           Lindsay Lohan is taking her comeback seriously by getting enough facial injections and fillers to make her look old enough to have a daughter her age. A walking “don’t do drugs, kids” ad.

15.)           There’s something here about a Teen Mom, but I don’t care enough to read it.

16.)           You can enter to win an Oscar “look” through an Us Weekly contest. The problem is, all the “looks” are cheap rip-offs of ugly dresses.

17.)           My favorite ad in this week’s issue is for “Smart Weight Loss,” which is sponsored by “TV Weight Loss Authority” Bob Harper. Unfortunately, this “smart” weight loss concept involves pills, rather than diet and exercise.

18.)           Lastly, the Fashion Police feature focuses on slits that go to far. Among the photos is “the master” Angelina Jolie, whose right leg got itself a Twitter account after this year’s Oscars. Only a few of the slits pictured were high enough to make a person do a double take to get a glimpse of hoo-hah.

Here she is again, the conniving little bitch.

The cover story this week is The Bachelor. Again. That and so much more is what YOU will learn after I take you from Bachelor cover to Gucci ad cover through this week’s Us Weekly.

1.)                There is a list of 25 stars who Google themselves. Why they would own up to this is beyond me, but I imagine there are about 25,000 more who didn’t admit they do the same thing.

2.)                Photo bombs – celebrities do them, too. And they’re pretty funny.

3.)                Khloe Kardashian is the master of the duck face.

4.)                Stars are JUST LIKE US! Because they do mundane things too, like wait for the subway, check their cell phones during manicures, and go to spin class. Of course I don’t do any of those things, so celebrities are not like me at all!

5.)                Jennifer Lopez did not meet her current hunky squeeze on J-Date.

6.)                Kobe Bryant made a huge mistake when he failed to have soon-to-be-ex-wife Vanessa sign a pre-nup, then proceed to blatantly cheat on her. Whoops!

7.)                Jenny McCarthy is starring in another TV show named after her. But The Jenny McCarthy Show will be airing on VH1, so no one will watch it.

8.)                Madonna desperately wanted to meet 25-year-old New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. He was reluctant, likely because she’s kind of a bitch and a cradle robber to boot. But her people claim she only wanted to meet him so he could teach her how to salsa dance. Hmmmmm…..

9.)                Je ne give a damn pas about Le Bachelor. But apparently that evil bitch girl (the kind that’s in every season) will win, the relationship will fail, and we’ll have to deal with it all over again when it returns for season 3,243. But that poor evil bitch girl is just misunderstood. So say her friends, who believe she’s just exerting her sense of humor when she calls the other girls fat and ugly.

10.)            Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown is struggling with her mother’s tragic death from a drug overdose by doing the obvious – abusing drugs.

11.)            Rihanna is dealing with the long-term effects of her beating at the hands of Chris Brown by doing the obvious – getting back together with him.

12.)            Apparently, there are “burning questions” out there about The Voice (another reality show I don’t watch). Among these awe-inspiring questions is “Do the chairs ever break?”

13.)            There are a lot of sexy men on the third reality show featured in this issue that I don’t watch – Survivor. So I just looked at the pictures and skipped the bios, like any self-respecting woman would do.

14.)            Courteney Cox lets her 7-year-old daughter watch Cougar Town.

15.)            Red lace dresses are all the rage because three B-list celebs were photographed wearing them. Go get yours NOW!

16.)            Eyelash extensions are the latest trend. They’re only $100 per application and last up to three weeks. It’s time for me to go make my cardboard sign and stand on a street corner begging for money so I can afford to do this very important beauty thing.

17.)            Wanna know what the stars did to prep for the Oscars? Yeah, me neither.

Thanks for reading, Us fans! Until next week….

So Whitney Houston died. But I didn’t need Us Weekly to learn that and neither did you. Here’s a little about what I did learn…

1.)               If Britney Spears were not a pop superstar, she says she’d probably be a teacher of reading and history. Finally, something to make me grateful Britney Spears is a pop superstar.

2.)               There is a show called Dance Moms. And the dances they make their children perform have been about themes such as birth and murder. I wish these dance moms had never been born so I wouldn’t feel the urge to want to murder them.

3.)               Kelly Ripa used to do stand-up comedy.

4.)               Macauley Culkin isn’t looking so good these days.

There are no words for this.

5.)               There were some really ugly dresses at the Grammys. Did anyone see that confection Fergie was wearing?? It looked like grandma crocheted her a dress, then forgot to mention she should wear something underneath it besides just a bra and granny panties.

6.)               Jessica Simpson is very pregnant and still very much in need of a stylist.

7.)               Bangs are where it’s at, ladies! Get thee to a hairstylist STAT!

8.)               In the requisite Brangelina story, they say they want to adopt more children. This is not news.

9.)               Tim McGraw and Faith Hill say their marriage works because of the words, “Yes, ma’am,” and “you’re right.” You’re right. I hate being called ma’am.

10.)           Chris Brown may be an even bigger jackass now that he has a Grammy than he was when he beat up Rihanna.

11.)           Sophia Bush needs to stop dating her “One Tree Hill” co-stars if she ever wants a lasting relationship. She’s already made her way through three of them.

12.)           Randy Travis was arrested for public drunkenness outside a CHURCH. Must’ve been some communion!

13.)           Whitney, like Michael Jackson before her, was a perfectly big joke (much due to her drug addiction and marriage to Bobby Brown) until she died. Now that she’s gone, she’s known as the greatest thing to happen to R&B music. Maybe if that’s how she felt when she was living, she wouldn’t have made such poor choices, but such is the nature of self-destructive talents.

14.)           Kim Kardashian is reportedly back with Reggie Bush. I suppose it’s okay that she’s moved on so quickly after her divorce because she waited longer than the length of her marriage.

15.)           Val Kilmer and Kelly McGillis have clearly seen better days. Who knew these Top Gun hotties would turn into such ugly middle-aged people??

16.)           Beyonce had a baby and if I’m to be led by what I’ve read in the press, this child is the second coming.

17.)           OMG! What are super best friends Brad Pitt and George Clooney going to DO when they’re both nominated for the same Oscar?

18.)           Fuchsia is the new black.

19.)           Celebrities EXERCISE to stay in shape. Don’t they know how crazy that sounds?

20.)           Fuchsia is now the old black. Dressing like a cheap whore is the new black.

Is this not scarier than Tim's movies?

You know what’s scary? Tim Burton. You know what’s scarier? A picture of Tim Burton sledding with his children. He looks like Albert Einstein with a dye job and is what inspired me to choose this week’s issue of People to blog about (or “about which to blog” for my grammar friends).

One thing I’ve learned by reading any magazine ever printed in recent weeks (as well as watching NBC for 30 seconds or more) is that I HATE “SMASH.” Don’t take this to mean I’ve watched it. I haven’t. I refuse to. Because of all this annoying heavy promotion. If it weren’t for a friend of a friend being the assistant choreographer on Smash, I would wish it a quick and painful death.

Sinead O’Connor says she “was falling apart” when she was feeling suicidal while tweeting. Do NOT tweet that you’re suicidal unless you’re only trying to get attention and really aren’t suicidal at all. There are so many other things that make Sinead a total whackjob, but neither of us has time to go into all of them.

People thinks it has the solution for how to rescue The Bachelor. I feel about The Bachelor the way I feel about Smash. It makes me suicidal and in the mood for Twitter.

There’s a story about how Demi Moore’s kids are coping with her problems was not informative at all. I still don’t feel like I know how they’re coping and that makes me sad. Not quite suicidal, though.

Ray Romano talks about “how we beat cancer.” But he didn’t technically do the beating. His wife did. So taking credit for something like this is pretty annoying. It’s like when guys say, “We’re pregnant!” No, YOU’RE not. SHE is. Shut the hell up. Don’t MAKE me all suicidal and shit.

Oooh! Six new breeds will make debuts at the WKC Dog Show! The only breed in English is the American English Coonhound. The rest were all foreign weird names that I won’t even pretend to spell or pronounce. But this news makes me want to LIVE. And tweet about it.

Look at these headlines! Can I possibly ignore the story about this bitch?

Another issue with The Bachelor on the cover (Headline: “The Bachelor MANEATER. She’s worse than you think.”) Looks like I’ll be learning more than I care to with this week’s Us Weekly.

1.)               Stacy Keibler is pictured in a lot of pretty dresses. No one cared much about her before, but you date one mega-celebrity (George Clooney) and suddenly you start to matter, I guess.

2.)               IT’S OVER between Chord Overstreet and Emma Roberts. Don’t know who they are? Let me introduce you to my friend Google.

3.)               Celebrities are introducing us to the next big trend – “frumpy jeans.”  Goodie.

4.)               Reese Witherspoon has a sense of humor. When asked about Justin Bieber’s desire to star in a remake of her 1996 film “Fear,” she said, “Would he be playing me or Mark Wahlberg?”

5.)               There are at least 25 stars out there who haven’t hosted SNL. Maybe because Alec Baldwin keeps hogging all the openings.

6.)               Celebrities *gasp* KISS THEIR CHILDREN!  In PUBLIC! Disgusting! They also go fishing, sledding, use their iPads, carry garment bags, and dance. These things are what makes them “just like US.”  Barf.

7.)               Taylor Swift can’t seem to hang on to a boyfriend. Her latest relationship “sparked, but fizzled fast.” Poor kid.

8.)               Best headline of the issue: Zac Holds Lily’s Hand. It refers to Zac Efron and Lily Collins, who entered a restaurant HOLDING HANDS. Oh. Em. Gee. This means they’re totally going steady, right?

9.)               LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian went to church. Katherine McPhee and her husband celebrated an anniversary. These things are NEWS!

10.)           I refuse to read the cover story about that man-eater Courtney on The Bachelor. I can’t believe this show is still on the air. But an interesting tidbit is that the mean girl once dated Reese Witherspoon’s husband. Herrmm.

11.)           Ashton Kutcher is to blame for Demi’s poor life choices.

12.)           Another Teen Mom is single again after her boyfriend dumped her. I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that teen moms can’t have normal healthy relationships.

13.)           Duchess Kate is reportedly “royally alone” now that Wills has gone off on some military mission. Poor princess will have to spend Valentine’s Day all by herself.

14.)           In a fun game, I’ve been charged with identifying which “celeb” is wearing the knockoff gown. My guess is always the B-List star, who is pictured next to an A-Lister in a very similar gown. Go figure. I was RIGHT!

15.)           A Biggest Loser contestant almost DIED. But it was due to a fall, not from being an enormous walking heart attack.

16.)           Oscar nominees talk about their embarrassing past roles. Among them – George Clooney’s cameo on The Golden Girls. SWEET!

17.)           Madonna still gets stage fright. I got stage fright getting ready to watch Madonna on stage at the Super Bowl.

18.)           After reading all the sub-headlines about the Bachelor man-eater, I may have to read that story after all. *sigh* How can I pass up a story about “catty insults, heavy drinking, and shocking nudity?” Wait. This story runs during every season of The Bachelor.