susieworld

What’s Emily hiding? That’s the top story of this week’s Us Weekly. Don’t know who Emily is? She’s the Bachelorette, of course, which means that stupid show will be on every cover until the season ends. And I will continue to make fun of it without watching it because it’s stupid. But there’s other stuff to snark about, too. Like this stuff:

1.)               There’s a Lost feud going on and this one isn’t between the writers and the audience over that ridiculous and infuriating finale. Apparently Dominic Monaghan, who played rock star Charlie on the show, is pretty pissed off at Matthew Fox, who played hero doctor Jack. Fox was charged with hitting a woman on a bus not long ago and Monaghan is not afraid to dish about it in the press. “He beats women. Not isolated incidents. Often.” Wow! That statement really packs a punch. Pun intended.

2.)               Charlie Sheen is off the wagon, which should come as no surprise to anyone ever. He prefers his vodka straight because “ice is for injuries.” And he’s still totally batshit crazy. “I am Jaws. I am the alter ego of the shark.”

3.)               Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame watched a shit ton of reality TV to prep for an upcoming film role, which included Kardashian-related shows. She described Kim K as “superlow culture.” Gotta side with Emma on this.

4.)               Clint Eastwood’s daughter Francesca received death threats after setting fire to an Hermes Birkin handbag on her reality show.

5.)               Snooki is still pregnant.

6.)               A fashion trend I don’t understand and hopefully never will is pregnant women wearing belts.

7.)               Aretha Franklin, 70, apparently loves hula hoops. I’d pay some hard-earned cash to see her use one.

8.)               Suri Cruise is SO last year! Violet Affleck is now the go-to tot when it comes to accessorizing.

9.)               She may have cleaned up her look, but Nicole Richie is releasing a fragrance called “Nicole.” I imagine it will smell like skank and used condoms.

10.)          Andy Samberg has finally retired from SNL. Remember when cast members would only stay for five years so they didn’t overstay their welcome? I hope you’re reading this, Tim Meadows!

11.)          In sad news, Desperate Housewives (and former West Wing) star Kathryn Joosten passed away from lung cancer. No one could play crotchety like Joosten!

12.)          Adam Levine is no longer on the market (take THAT, Jennifer Love Hewitt!). He’s now dating one of his ex-girlfriend’s friends. Hopefully this one won’t dump him on the internet.

13.)          Uma Thurman must really miss being able to drink now that she’s preggers. Her sister recently threw her a baby shower with a pink elephant theme.

14.)          Mary-Kate Olsen, 26, has reportedly claimed she can’t find a man mature enough for her. So now she’s dating a 43-year-old who happens to be the half-brother of former French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

15.)          Nick and Vanessa Lachey were spotted in St. Lucia on their “babymoon.” I hate this term. What fun is an exotic vacation if you’re fat and can’t enjoy a fruity cocktail?

16.)          So Emily Maynard has some “shocking secrets,” not one of which is her obvious desperation for a man. I mean, the woman is on her second round of trying to find a mate on a reality show not exactly known for its happy endings. I would reveal one of Emily’s secrets, but that would require that I read the article.

17.)          Meanwhile, Bachelor Pad, which stars rejected Bachelor and Bachelorettes, did have a happy ending. Two cast members tied the knot. I don’t know who they are, but they sure look pretty.

18.)          There was a Royal Jubiliee for Queen Elizabeth’s 60 years on the throne and the useless royals were out in force having their pictures taken.

19.)          So Drew Barrymore got married. The Bachelorette is more important to Us Weekly than Drew’s nups, though. At least ol’ Drew made the cover of this week’s People.

20.)          Poor John Mayer. The notorious womanizer got his feelings hurt when Taylor Swift wrote a song about what a cad he is. He dated her and dumped her when she was 19 years old!

21.)          There are shorts for every shape! Except “curvy” is represented by Jennifer Lopez, whose only curve is her ass.

22.)          Mark Zuckerberg and his new wife shared some photos from their Italian honeymoon. He reportedly honeymooned on the cheap, too. They had one of their meals at McDonald’s!

23.)          If Kim Kardashian were president (perish the thought!), she “would make the American genocide more recognized.” I’m shocked she knows what the word genocide means.

24.)          Members of the British boy band The Wanted know what they want in a woman: “One who takes of her bra!”

25.)          Us Weekly has some fine recommendations for Father’s Day gifts. Buy him a bottle of Scotch and be done with it!

26.)          Us Weekly also has some fine recommendations for what you should include in your summer beach bag. Don’t forget the lip gloss, ladies!

Well there you have it, folks! I am educated and now so are you! Until next week, PEACE OUT!

Apparently the look for ladies who sing is the Vegas Showgirl look. Beyonce prefers feathers, JLo likes capes, and Rihanna just keeps it minimal with tasseled bikini tops.

Poor Kingston Rossdale (spawn of Gwen Stefani) had to spend his birthday living life like undocumented fieldworkers. Gwen took him to a farm, where he is pictured pushing a wheelbarrow. Whatever happened to Chuck E. Cheese?

Andre 3000 is playing Jimi Hendrix in an upcoming biopic and the resemblance is uncanny.

Bradley Cooper isn’t shy. The 2011 Sexiest Man Alive was snapped clad only in a towel playing with his cell phone on a hotel balcony.

As previously reported in Us Weekly, Britney Spears is only doing so-so as the newest judge on X Factor. But I guess “so-so” is “OUTSTANDING” in Brit-land. She missed a few auditions while taking breaks and mixed up Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid only once. I can see how she’d get the two confused.

I think Keira Knightley received the world’s smallest engagement ring from her fiancé, the keyboardist for a British indie rock band. If the band weren’t indie, she’d have gotten a bigger rock.

Got a spare $29 million? Celine Dion’s opulent spread outside ofMontrealis up for sale. Looking at the pictures of the interior, I’d recommend gutting the place and starting over fresh. If $29 million is too much for you, you could always rent Leonardo DiCaprio’s beachfront “cottage” for a mere $75K a month.

Jenna Von Oy, who most of you probably don’t remember from the 1990s sitcom “Blossom,” is a new mom and claims she is exhausted. The little People brief isn’t about how she had a baby. That’s old news. These two paragraphs were dedicated to what every new mother feels – overwhelmed! BFD, Jenna Von Oy!

In Real Housewives news: the NYC housewives have three new additions after last year’s firings of Alex, Jill, and Kelly. According to People, the new ladies bring less whining and more Carrie Bradshaw coolness to the show. I’m gonna miss the whining.

I want to personally slap every member of One Direction, but they’re so young it would probably qualify as child abuse. I claim “elder” abuse for their “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” song playing on the radio every five minutes.

If anyone out there plans on watching the Jenny McCarthy-hosted “Love in the Wild,” I don’t want to know about it.

There’s another book about Marilyn Monroe hitting the shelves. I imagine bookstores everywhere probably have an entire Marilyn Monroe section.

A lot of people went to the Cannes Film Festival who had no business being at the Cannes Film Festival. Didn’t that used to be sort of an exclusive thing?

In the Jessica Simpson cover story, I was invited to “Meet Baby Max.” Well, I feel like I’ve met her and I’m not impressed. Okay, she’s really cute, but can she sing??

Dallas is coming back!!! I’m excited about this reboot. I never watched the original, but I’m tuning into TNT for Dallas 2.0. This time around, they’re actually filming in Dallas and there is a really cute boy named Josh Henderson who’s starring alongside old fogey Larry Hagman. Here’s to some fresh new eye candy!

Neil Patrick Harris is back hosting the Tony Awards, which makes me wish I gave a rat’s ass about the Tony Awards. Love me some NPH!

The Senate is losing another Republican. Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) says she’s leaving because the government is broken. Finally, I agree with a Republican on something!

Tommy Hilfiger lives in a penthouse at the Plaza Hotel and owns some really ugly art.

John Mayer claims he is older and wiser. Hopefully this means he’s ready to pen a tell-all about his celebrity sexual exploits. Oh wait. He’s already done that in the press.

Holy crap! Queen Elizabeth has been on the throne for 60 years! (Insert poop joke here.) So the palace has “opened its doors” so People could take snapshots of her abhorrent wealth in the form of diamonds.

Can someone remind me what purpose royal families serve in the grand scheme of things besides being wealthy beyond measure? I mean, People PLEASE!

Well, Kelly Clarkson dropped a few pounds. This and much, much more is what I learned by reading this week’s Us Weekly!

1.)                Usher, who we all have to blame for discovering Justin Bieber, is in a nasty custody battle with his ex. He’s claiming she hit him and spat on his current girlfriend. She’s claiming he’s a big, fat cheater. Apparently, she discovered him in bed with their nanny. Well, at least he’s sleeping with people he knows will take good care of his spawn.

2.)                Jessica Simpson popped out a 9-pound baby and it had nothing to do with all the fast food she used to eat. It was a REAL BABY! Anyway, now that she’s a mommy, she’s swearing off drive-thrus.

3.)                Jane Lynch spoke to the 2012 graduating class ofSmithCollege, saying: “If life gives you lemons, grab it by the horns and drive. And, yes, I just mixed three metaphors. Remember, I was a C student.”

4.)                Angie Harmon has a deceptively small handbag. She can keep a lot of crap in there!

5.)                Teresa Giudice and Alexis Bellino are the two dumbest Housewives on Bravo. Alexis thinksCosta Ricais inMexico, and Teresa thinks her brother wants them to go see a physical therapist to work out their problems.

6.)                There are 25 things I don’t know about Miranda Cosgrove and not one of them is the fact that I don’t really know who she is.

7.)                Brad Pitt is staying connected to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston by getting her haircut.

8.)                Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon & Kate + 8, says her kids desperately want to be back on TV and 83% of Us Weekly readers think she’s full of shit.

9.)                The Cannes Film Festival happened. And I wasn’t invited!

10.)            Miley Cyrus tends to forget important items of her wardrobe before going out. Sometimes it’s her bra, other times it’s her pants. And she was snapped riding her bike and having to hike down her miniskirt so no one could see her woogabongo as she rode pantiless.

11.)            American Idol may soon become more successful at matchmaking than The Bachelor. Former season finalists Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo announced their engagement on the May 23 finale.

12.)            Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne is only “close to a proposal” according to a story on her love life with an NYC-based vegan chef.

13.)            The Biebs is in a little trouble and could face jail time, which would make me giddy! Just the news has me bouncing on the couch (not quite Tom Cruise-style). He is being investigated for assault after he reportedly smacked a paparazzo who was snapping pics of Justy and his lady love Selena Gomez. THEN, he smacked into a glass door on stage and gave himself a little concussion. I’m thinking Windex may have themselves a new spokesman.

14.)            Joining the throngs of other people worried about Britney Spears is Simon Cowell. Apparently, Brit-Brit tends to zone out while she serves as a judge on Cowell’s X Factor. She’s also a little erratic. Did Simon read the gossip mags over the past 5 years regarding Britney?? This should come as no surprise.

15.)            Mark Zuckerberg, founding father of Facebook, had a “quirky” honeymoon. Perhaps because his IPO didn’t go as well as predicted.

16.)            Bachelorette Emily Maynard has pissed off the parents of her late fiancé by going back to the show and putting her 6-year-old daughter with said fiancé through the reality TV wringer.

17.)            Tom Cruise is a terrible bowler.

18.)            KELLY CLARKSON LOST WEIGHT! Personally, I always liked that Kelly was normal girl-sized rather than a waif, but the pressures of the music biz apparently got to her. And so did her boyfriend, whom she credits for her ability to follow her “simple” diet plan.

19.)            Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are obviously “the real deal” because they flaunted their love atCannes. My question is why they were even invited.

20.)            Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel had a star-studded engagement party. It was so romantic, it appears they even arrived in separate cars!

21.)            John Travolta may or may not have trouble getting back rubs from anyone other than his wife. It depends on what the masseurs are into, I suppose. Rumor has it he is settling on an undisclosed amount with one of the massage therapists who accused him of a little hanky-panky during their session.

22.)            Us Weekly’s idea of “Sizzling Summer TV” includes “The Real Housewives of New York City,” “Snooki & JWoww,” and “Teen Mom.” If your idea of a good TV moment does not involve bad reality television, you are apparently SOL.

23.)            Ladies! There is more than one way to get silky-smooth legs!

24.)            Rihanna, who you may have tired of already, has decided she’s working too much. Still waiting for Katy Perry to make that announcement.

So that’s it, gang! That’s what I learned this week. Now I feel like curling up in a nice pair of PJs just like the stars featured in Us Weekly’s Fashion Police.

It’s the “Hot Bodies” double issue of Us Weekly this week, which I hate because it’s just a bunch of pictures of beautiful people and, well, their hot bodies. But for you, I have forced myself to page through the issue and report the important stories that other magazines let fall through the cracks. Don’t thank me. I’m just doing my job.

1.)               Disco Queen Donna Summer passed away, which is really sad because that woman could WAIL! But I question the number of Us Weekly readers who are old enough to actually know who she was.

2.)               Angelina Jolie knows how to spend her gazillions. She recently dropped $1.6 million on a helicopter with flying lessons for Brad.

3.)               Bill Paxton is this week’s star in the “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” feature. I’m not sure why, since he’s not exactly a HUGE star, so pretty much everyone knows pretty much nothing about him.

4.)               This week’s surprise split is 52-year-old Linda Hogan (Hulk Hogan’s ex) and her 23-year-old boy toy Charley Hill. This is a surprise how??? I’m pretty sure the entire universe saw this coming.

5.)               Jackie Chan is quitting action movies. Finally he can now star in the romantic comedies he was destined for.

6.)               Quote of the Week: “Ultimately, I’d say no. But I would just have to take the meeting.” –John Mayer on whether he would ever accept an offer to be The Bachelor.

7.)               William and Kate are still beautiful and Kate is still fashionable and Harry is still a party boy. NEXT!

8.)               Mark Zuckerberg got married! I hope someone bought him shares in Facebook as a wedding gift.

9.)               The Billboard Music Awards happened. Fun fact: There are more awards ceremonies inAmericathan there are days of the year.

10.)          There’s a nice group of pictures from the filming of The Great Gatsby. I am so looking forward to this movie!!!

11.)          Celebrity daughters love their tutus.

12.)          It may be worth it for you to buy this issue just for the “Born the Same Year” feature. Some stars have aged more gracefully than others.

13.)          I am an advertiser’s dream. There’s an ad for Drumsticks and now I’m dying for one.

14.)          Stars are “just like Us” because – GASP – they carry their own umbrellas! Well, David Beckham does anyway. A lot of celebs have PUHs (Personal Umbrella Handlers).

15.)          Brangelina attended the Cannes Film Festival and, shockingly, they were photographed there. A lot.

16.)          The next season of Dancing with the “Stars” will feature an all-“star” cast. Producers hope to get Melissa Rycroft, Gilles Marini, Bristol Palin, Kyle Massey, Chelsea Kane, Lance Bass, Kelly Osbourne, and Mario Lopez. Lopez may feel obligated to sign on because A) he’s desperate for attention, and B) he was the one who accidentally leaked the story that DWTS was doing an all-star season.

17.)          Jillian Michaels, who admits she has never really had much contact with children, adopted a 2-year-old girl fromHaiti.

18.)          Kotex wants women to break up with their tampons. But breaking up is so hard to do!

19.)          In Housewives news: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong is still teetering on the edge of sanity following the suicide of her abusive husband and her mental breakdown during last season’s filming. Producers have reportedly asked her not to drink when filming this season’s shows. The request was made after Armstrong had a drunken scream-fest with co-star Brandi Glanville. I’ve gotta side withTayloron this. Glanville accused Armstrong of trying to profit from her husband’s suicide by penning a tell-all book. Then Glanville turned around and signed on to write her own book about her breakup with ex-husband Eddie Cibrian. Hypocrisy drives me crazy, even if it’s that of a stupid reality star.

20.)          Bristol Palin’s baby daddy Levi Johnston has not been able to seduceHollywoodas he’d planned. He moved back in with his mom inAlaskaand reportedly hasn’t paid child support in more than two years. Keep it classy, Levi!

21.)          Justin Theroux was spotted looking for coconut oil at Trader Joes!!!!

22.)          Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy are teaming up for a buddy cop comedy from the director of Bridesmaids. This could be good.

23.)          Jenny McCarthy, who hasn’t really been seen much since her breakup with Jim Carrey, is returning to her roots and posing for Playboy’s June issue. Yes, boys, she will be totally NAKED!

24.)          Britney Spears is feeling the pressure of becoming a judge on X Factor. It’s just a stupid reality show, Brit-Brit! Get over it! Apparently, she is so nervous she is BITING HER NAILS!!! I think she may wind up checking into rehab for “exhaustion” sooner rather than later.

25.)          Pregnant Snooki has evicted herself from theJerseyShorehouse. Who knew she could make a rational decision?? Meanwhile, you can probably expect to be bored with the show this season. Vinny has anxiety issues, Pauly D has his own spinoff, and “The Situation” is considering bringing in a sober coach to live in the house following his recent stint in rehab for – you guessed it! – exhaustion.

26.)          Us “pays tribute toHollywood’s finest” in the Hot Bodies feature. The story wouldn’t be complete without features on Reality TV’s finest. The boys from MTV’s The Challenge and the ladies of the Real Housewives are pictured in their skivvies.

27.)          Rihanna keeps going on vacation. If she’s not paddleboarding somewhere, she’s taking off her top in the ocean.

28.)          The benefit of the Hot Bodies issue is all the cute boys with their shirts off. I, for one, really do want to “meet the men of Magic Mike.” For those who don’t know, Magic Mike is a movie about male strippers that I plan on seeing as soon as possible. My favorite is Matt Bomer. Downside: He’s gay. L

29.)          Thank GOD Us Weekly knows you can look fabulous after 40, since that is my present age. Whether or not you can get meaty roles after 40 is still in question.

30.)          Howard Stern is allegedly displaying his “sweet side” onAmerica’s Got Talent.

31.)          Thank goodness for the story on “Floral Jeans Dos and Don’ts.” My take? Don’t wear floral jeans.

32.)          The “do-rag” is making a comeback. This time on women. And they look ridiculous.

So that’s it, gang. 32 things I learned by reading Us Weekly! And now that you know these things as well, go out and educate the world because this stuff is IMPORTANT!

She may be the closest thing to a “housewife” Bravo has ever seen, since she doesn’t have nannies to help with her four kids, but Teresa Giudice also fits the Bravo requirements of being a money-grubbing bitch!

Hello, again, dear readers and/or enablers! This week’s Us Weekly is all about the Real Housewives of New Jersey, my favorite train wreck. Well, it’s not ALL about them. It’s about some of this other stuff, too.

1.)             Sofia Vergara of “Modern Family” fame has ended her four-year relationship with her boyfriend. As usual, the cause is her rising stardom. Some people just can’t handle success when it’s not their own.

2.)             John Travolta, as you may have heard, is making the gossip rounds by allegedly being a closeted bi-sexual. Several male massage therapists have made claims that he offered them money for a little honey. The latest is a cruise ship employee, who claims Travolta offered him $12,000 for sex in 2009. He’s apparently a serial groper, too. And rumor has it, Jeff Conaway (Johnny’s “Grease” co-star) stopped speaking to the actor following a similar experience. Travolta’s publicist says he will be just fine despite the slew of accusations. Possibly because I’m sure there are a lot of male masseurs out there who would gladly take him up on his offer.

3.)             Nicole Kidman isn’t very tight with her kids from her marriage to Tom Cruise. I imagine it’s because Nic isn’t wrapped up in the psychobabble that is Scientology.

4.)             Megan Fox thinks she’s a doppelganger for Alan Alda, while Michelle Pheiffer thinks she looks like Howard the Duck.

5.)             No one wants The Bachelor host Chris Harrison to be the next bachelor following his split from his wife. No one except me, I guess. I’d actually WATCH the show to see the host on the other side of the roses.

6.)             TheJerseyShorecast is quite certain they will soon have another cast member soon – in the form of Snooki’s spawn. Cast member Vinny Guadagnino says the baby isn’t kicking inside the womb, it’s fist-pumping. I’m scared!

7.)             Johnny Depp recently refused to dance during an appearance on Ellen. “When I’m doing the film and it’s choreographed and you’re in character, it’s all right. But in life, I’d rather swallow a bag of hair.” I completely see his point.

8.)             Duchess Kate is looking lovely as always. And, as always, there’s no “story” to go with the pictures.

9.)             Celebrity moms actually spend time with their kids! The way Us Weekly depicts this, you’d think it an anomaly.

10.)       Lisa Rinna does not look good in a bikini. Her stomach resembles Madonna’s arms. Nasty!

11.)       Four pages of photos of the Met Gala inNew Yorkand I can’t find a single person dressed tastefully.

12.)       No trouble in paradise. Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still dating. No story in paradise either.

13.)       Drew Barrymore isn’t letting her pregnancy slow her down when it comes to wedding planning. “The wedding is going to have a very ethereal vibe,” says an “insider.”  Cameron Diaz is said to be one of the bridesmaids.

14.)       No pressure! Nick Cannon says he wants his 1-year-old twins to be doctors and Mariah Carey wants them to be singers. Personally, I hope they become plumbers. There’s good money in that!

15.)       “Modern Family” star Sarah Hyland recently underwent a kidney transplant. The donor was her dear ol’ dad.

16.)       Sean Bean was arrested for allegedly harassing his ex-wife. Can anyone tell me who Sean Bean is?

17.)       Oh, good. This will certainly be great for her recovery from the tragic death of her mother earlier this year. Bobbi Kristina Brown and her extendedHoustonfamily will star in a new reality show. Because we all know what a positive impact reality shows have on families. Lifetime has just ordered 10 episodes of “The Houston Family Chronicles,” which will follow the lives Whitney’s relatives.

18.)       Meanwhile, The X Factor is slumming again. In what seems like minutes after they announced Britney Spears will be the latest new judge, they also hired on Demi Lovato, 19, to come on board. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Demi will have an on-screen meltdown, as she underwent treatment at “an undisclosed location” for completely losing it and claiming exhaustion. Or was it acid reflux? That seems to be the other go-to excuse for bad behavior.

19.)       Richie Sambora’s daughter just LOVES Denise Richards. Ava Sambora is also the daughter of Heather Locklear and says she would love it if her dad and Denise would get married. Something tells me mama isn’t going to be pleased reading about this in Us Weekly.

20.)       Nikki Reed is easy to please. She says her favorite moment with boyfriend and former American Idol contestant Paul McDonald was “in the back of our pickup with our dog, some sleeping bags, his guitar, and two Coronas.” Ooh! White trash kinky!

21.)       Reese Witherspoon may beAmerica’s Sweetheart, but her daddy is a little freaky-deaky. He’s embroiled in a bigamy scandal after Reese’s mother filed suit against him. Reese’s mom claims 70-year-old John Witherspoon married another woman while still married to her. But in her divorce case, she cited his “alcoholism, infidelity, overspending, and hoarding.” This guy is just LOADED with positive traits! And now he claims he has no idea who this second wife is, but the family claims he is suffering from early onset dementia. Finally! Someone who makes me feel like my crazy family is somewhat normal!

22.)       In Brangelina news, Brad and Angie are shelling out $24,000/month for a mansion inSurrey,England. They’re probably renting so they don’t have to deal with the hassles of homeownership, like having to repair the disposal or something. This way, they’ll only likely pay $5K for a plumber to take care of it for them.

23.)       ESPN hottie Erin Andrews is being pursued by a stalker again. Okay, maybe not quite a stalker. Just Chace Crawford from “Gossip Girl.”

24.)       Nick and Vanessa Lachey were spotted eating pizza.

25.)       Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is the cover star of this week’s issue and if you don’t watch her show, you’re a better person than I. Her husband is a total slimeball who breaks the law and verbally abuses “Tre” and their four daughters. But Teresa is making the best of a bad situation – by talking to every gossip rag that will listen to her side of the story. The woman may be one of the biggest morons to roam the planet, but her lack of brain cells hasn’t hurt her ability to profit from family drama, much of which she herself has caused by badmouthing everyone, then making excuses for her rotten behavior. This is great TV, people!

26.)       Kourtney Kardashian had an unnecessary baby shower. The girl is filthy rich for no good reason and this is her second child, but she’s happy to accept overpriced gifts from her pseudo-celeb friends and family anyway.

27.)       In news no one cares about, three American Idol finalists each share 25 things we don’t know about them. In my case, there’re a lot more than 25 things I don’t know about them, but I was positively FASCINATED to learn that Joshua Ledet is terrified of feathers and that there is a contestant named Phillip Phillips.

28.)       Katherine Heigl has been an outspoken critic about herHollywoodprojects, which has resulted in people turning their back on her professionally. But she is still clinging to the spotlight by sharing news on her second adoption. I’m happy for her, even though I think she’s kind of a bitch.

29.)       “Battleship” is much more than a movie loosely based on a board game. It’s the inspiration for the uninspired to make MORE movies about board games. (I hear “Candyland” is in the works – cereally!) But model/actress Brooklyn Decker is very excited to be a part of such a ridiculous project because she got to use a gun that isn’t even allowed in theUnited States. But most importantly, Decker talks about co-star Rihanna’s ass. “We decided that I’m going to borrow her butt for a day – and she’s going to borrow my breasts.” Can’t wait for the Us Weekly scoop on that procedure!

30.)       Johnny Depp (swoon!) loved playing Barnabas Collins in “Dark Shadows,” a movie based on a decades-old soap opera of sorts. Because the role required he wear “razor-sharp talons,” he commended the crew for being there in his times of need: “Luckily, I had a troupe of people who helped me go to the bathroom!” Johnny also puts Robert Pattinson (of Twilight, for those who live under a rock) in his place. “There’s room for two vampires on this block,” he said, “as long as (Robert) remembers I’m the alpha!” Again, SWOON!

31.)       You can buy an iPhone case that looks like brass knuckles for a mere $99.

32.)       Sacha Baron Cohen may not make the best movies, but he has his hilarious moments. In character as The Dictator, he says, “I’ve made love to Britney Spears, Beyonce, and Kim Kardashian – and they never get away. There is no escape from the desert. Within hours, they shrivel up and look like a mug shot of Lindsay Lohan.”

33.)       Retro swimsuits are making a comeback. Now if only the retro female body type (you know – the one with CURVES) would come back as well, I’d be a happy camper.

34.)       Pick up this week’s issue if you want to learn to tweeze your eyebrows to look like the stars. But not one of the stars pictured is Jennifer Connelly, who could seriously use a tweeze.

35.)       John Mayer has a new album out. Just when I was getting used to not hearing about his exploits anymore.

36.)       I think I’ve finally found a reason to watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians!” In the new season, Khloe confronts Kris about rumors that she is illegitimate. She doesn’t look much like her sisters or Robert Kardashian, so let’s get that DNA test done, shall we?

37.)       Lady Gaga is the latest celebrity to make an appearance on The Simpsons. Her episode, in which she gives pep-talks to kids with low self-esteem and FLIRTS WITH MARGE, aired May 20. I missed it, so thank goodness for the DVR.

38.)       You can’t get through an issue of Us Weekly without seeing an ad for diet pills disguised as a news article. In this issue, the advertisers actually admit that consumers are excited, but experts are concerned. “They’re flying off the shelf, but they’re not for everyone.” Interesting way of marketing your product, makers of TriAdalean.

39.)       Christina Ricci must have just received a new car as a gift and used the giant bow on the back of her dress.

40.)       The latest in fashion? Skeleton-inspired clothing. Us Weekly calls the celebs who wear this crap “freaky fashion cadavers.” One can only hope someday that will be the literal truth.

Wow! I can’t believe how much I learned this week! I hope you learned a little something, too. Let’s have a conversation! Tell me about the best thing you learned from this week’s Us Weekly! And keep on slummin’ by reading my blog!

According to a competing blog, which pales in comparison to this one, Us Weekly totally thought Jessica Simpson would hate her baby.

I’m back from Hawaii and very well rested. One thing I learned while in paradise is that my 5-year-old niece, Faith, has good taste. As soon as I was finished with last week’s Us Weekly, she took a pair of scissors to it and immediately cut out the picture of Johnny Depp dressed as Tonto for the upcoming Lone Ranger film. Atta girl, Faith! You may only be in kindergarten, but you already know what’s hot. Now, onto what I learned in THIS week’s issue of Us Weekly.

1.)                Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor, could be up for the starring role in the stupid matchmaking series soon. He will be a bachelor again himself once his divorce from his wife of 18 years.

2.)                Demi Moore has officially ended her marriage on Twitter. She changed her handle from @MrsKutcher to @JustDemi.

3.)                Former Real Housewife of New York Jill Zarin is causing problems even after being kicked off the show. Now, she’s jealous that Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump’s dog Giggy is getting more press than Zarin’sChihuahua, Ginger.

4.)                Mediocre band The Wanted is making some unwanted comments about other more-popular pseudo-musicians. They badmouthed Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, and Christina Aguilera.

5.)                Modern Family star Sofia Vergara makes $65,000 per episode, while Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino makes $100K for each episode ofJerseyShore. Something is seriously wrong here. Maybe The Situation will be forced to take a pay cut now that he’s been to rehab.

6.)                I may be one of the few Us Weekly readers who know a good vampire when I see one. In the Us Weekly poll, readers prefer Twilight’s Robert Pattinson to Vampire Diaries’ Ian Somerhalder. I’m wondering if these people even have eyes.

7.)                Debra Messing on her divorce: “Now we’re living to 100. A hundred years ago people were dying at age 37. ‘Til death do us part’ was a much different deal.”

8.)                Alec Baldwin is multi-talented. He can ride a bike and talk on his cell phone AT THE SAME TIME!

9.)                Gisele Bundchen says her modeling career doesn’t define her. I’m wondering what does, then.

10.)            More stars are “Just Like Us” because they eat frozen yogurt, take out the trash, and buy vitamin water in bulk. I’d better start doing these things more often if I ever want to make it in show business.

11.)            Beyonce wore some strategically-placed lace to the Met Ball in NYC, yet her ass managed to hang out anyway.

12.)            Wanna smell like skank? Then get your Kardashian-sized ass to the internets to buy Kim’s latest fragrance!

13.)            Matthew Fox is the latest Lost star to get nabbed for DUI. He decided to wait until the series finished filming to be stupid, unlike three of his former co-stars.

14.)            A bunch of people I’ve never heard of have gotten married. And a few people I have heard of are planning to walk down the aisle, including cell phone biker Alec Baldwin.

15.)            A Teen Mom star got a boob job for her boyfriend. She also got pregnant for him, but that was a big OOPS!

16.)            Christina Aguilera is feuding with Adam Levine on The Voice. Levine pushed his protégé to sing “99 Problems,” which contains the lyric “I’ve got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one.” Christina assumed the song was about her and given her propensity to think everything is about her, she may be right.

17.)            Kim K and Kanye West are talking marriage! Well, not talking, exactly. Kanye is merely rapping about it.

18.)            Beyonce had a stage built in her NYC penthouse apartment.

19.)            Russell Brand was spotted drinking water!!!!!!!

20.)            Jessica Simpson finally gave birth to a daughter she named Maxwell. And she has a crystal chandelier hanging in the nursery. Seriously, can’t these people consider donating a little money to a worthy cause rather than blowing it on stupid shit?

21.)            I think the most embarrassing thing about me is my addiction to the Real Housewives franchise. When it comes to theNew Jerseytrainwreck, I’m staunchly on Melissa Gorga’s side in her feud with Teresa Guidice, who is completely batshit crazy. And an idiot. But stupidity makes for great TV.

22.)            Adam Yauch, aka the Beastie Boys’ MCA passed away from cancer last week and I am heartbroken. He was by far my favorite Beastie with his deep, raspy voice. It’s too soon for musicians from my generation to be dying!!!

23.)            Us Weekly is once again bragging about how accurate its stories are, despite the frequent use of unnamed sources. In a double-page spread, the mag blasts In Touch and Star for making up stories about Brangelina and J Lo. Of course, Us Weekly is right. Those stories were complete bullshit, but Us is known to take liberties with the truth as well, which is why I love them!

24.)            I am saddened by the fact that a movie just 20 years old is already being remade because Hollywood can’t seem to come up with original ideas anymore. Colin Farrell is the new Schwarzenegger in this year’s version of Total Recall. Meanwhile, over in chick flick land, we have Magic Mike – the story of a male stripper. Something tells me my husband won’t want to join me at the theater for this one.

25.)            Speaking of bad movies, another upcoming film is Battleship, based on the flippin’ BOARD GAME! What’s next? Candyland: The Movie? I think I heard a rumor about that, so it could be happening. I hope they make it a horror film.

26.)            Us Weekly teaches us “how to rock red lips.” Um…I think you do this by wearing red lipstick and not getting it on your teeth.

27.)            The Bachelorette is back and you know what that means! I’ll be learning a lot about it by reading Us Weekly.

Mahalo for reading, ladies and germs! Aloha until next week!

The “news” doesn’t stop when you’re on vacation, so I’m typing this from a beachfront house inKauai. This place is so nice, I feel like one of the celebrities I make fun of! Anyhoo, let’s get on with it.

1.)                Snooki just lost a bunch of weight before getting accidentally knocked up, so now she’s announced she only plans to gain 15 pounds of baby weight. This is stupid because her child will then be born malnourished AND drunk.

2.)                Shhhh! It’s a secret! But Mario Lopez blabbed about it, so I will, too. There are plans for a Dancing with the Stars “All-Star” show with “celebrities” from past seasons competing against each other. But it’s a secret, so you didn’t hear it from me.

3.)                The quote of the issue comes from Blake Shelton: “Grown men who wear skinny jeans may as well put on a T-shirt that says ‘I may not be an organ donor, but y’all can have my testicles!’”

4.)               RickiLakeadmitted she suffered from weird behavior after taking Ambien: “Some people raid the refrigerator, some people have crazy sex and don’t remember it … I signed up for eHarmony.”

5.)                Rihanna went paddle boarding. Again.

6.)                Wills and Kate celebrated their royal anniversary “privately, something low-key at home,” which undoubtedly included mobs of paparazzi.

7.)                Suri Cruise doesn’t drink just any water. The 6-year-old drinks Pellegrino.

8.)                Padma Lakshmi shaved her 2-year-old daughter’s head for a Hindu ceremony.

9.)                Justin Bieber was at the Tribeca Disruptive Innovation Awards. The Biebs’ music is more disruptive than innovative.

10.)            There is nothing anybody can do to make Johnny Depp unattractive. He is pictured shirtless (swoon!) and in face paint for his role in the upcoming Lone Ranger movie.

11.)            Celeb kids love their sunglasses. Among the toddlers looking incognito is 2-year-old Mason Disick (Kourtney Kardashian’s son), who is the only child pictured wearing Ray Bans.

12.)            Patrick Dempsey is the latest celebrity superhero. He rescued a teen that crashed his car into the actor’s front yard inMalibu.

13.)            Former Real Housewife of New York City Kelly Bensimon published her first book, titled “I Can Make You Hot.” I want to slap her upside the face for this.

14.)            Lady Gaga is single again.

15.)            Lindsay Lohan was apparently not-so-gleeful on the set of Glee. I’m shaking my head as to why she was even tapped to be a guest star, but since I’m not in charge of these things, I’ll just report that she was six hours late to shoot her scenes (in which she plays herself) and ran to her trailer frequently. Apparently, she was set to shoot for five days, but they cut it down to two because she’s such a skanky loser.

16.)            Tori Spelling was seen wearing yoga flip-flops while moving out of her mobile home. BREAKING NEWS!!!

17.)            People that had no business being at the White House Correspondents Dinner: Kim Kardashian, Kris Jenner, and Lindsay Lohan, who reportedly texted the whole time.

18.)            Giuliana and Bill Rancic are expecting a baby via surrogate. This pair kind of annoys me, but the news is good, since she recently underwent chemo and they’d been having fertility problems. So, way to go, annoying people! I’m happy for you.

19.)            Khloe & Lamar have decided to do the nation a favor and quit their reality show to focus more on their real life. This is not to say you won’t be seeing these two on TV, since the E! network is essentially owned by Ryan Seacrest and the Kardashians. And I have to say, if I had to choose a favorite Kardashian, it would be Khloe because she’s raunchy and “full-figured.”

20.)            Meanwhile, Kim K and Kanye are talking marriage. No matter that Kim’s 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries hasn’t been finalized yet. It’s so nice to know that young people today think of marriage so seriously and aren’t frivolously running to the altar.

21.)            This has been years in the making and it has finally happened – Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor are BFFs again! Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth have made amends after a feud that started during their days on Beverly Hills 90210 – which was my favorite TV show ever and got me through college. Not all is well in the Zip Code, though. Jennie is still fighting with Tiffani Thiessen and the relationship between Shannen and Tori Spelling is tepid at best.

22.)            Carrie Underwood has a successful marriage. Big whoop.

23.)            Celebs are wearing skinny jeans in every color of the rainbow. They’re pretty ugly jeans. On the bright side, there were no men pictured in neon skinny jeans – not even a Jonas brother.

24.)            The Avengers was released, in case you’ve been living under a rock.

And now I return you to your regularly scheduled programming. I’m off to the beach!

Just when you thought reality TV couldn’t get any worse, I bring you these upcoming shows that unnamed networks have reportedly picked up, according to TV Guide, which I am heavily quoting here.

DOGS IN THE CITY:  A “canine guru” meets with clients who have relationship problems that can all easily be resolved through their dogs. Really? They need to do a show to prove this? All my dog has to do is wag her tail and give kisses to my husband and me to erase our troubles.

TOP BALLLON:  “America’s most talented balloon animal artists compete to uncover who’s got the most twisted skills – and the lungs to match – and who’s just full of hot air.” Here’s hoping one of these clowns can make a lower intestine as well as Steve Martin did in “Parenthood.”

OH SIT!:  A show involving five “physically demanding” rounds of – you guessed it! – musical chairs! The music for this competition will be performed by a live band rather than that old portable record player we’re used to.

ROPE-A-DOPE:  Let’s just call this Extreme Jump Roping. “Contestants double-dutch on top of skyscrapers, on busy street intersections, and at night in dangerous neighborhoods.” If I were at a busy intersection where jump ropers were holding up traffic for a stupid reality show, I’d risk manslaughter charges by running them down with my car.

TEE-PEE TOURNEY: “Teams compete to wrap their rivals’ homes in toilet paper – and not get caught.” I’m guessing the teams will be made up of 12-year-old boys.

HOWIE MANDEL’S WHITE ELEPHANT:  “Mandel asks contestants to pick from a mix of wrapped boxes, some of which contain better prizes than others.” Greed has become the only requirement for today’s “game shows.” Whatever happened to “Fat Fanny was so fat (HOW FAT WAS SHE??).” The Match Game may not have required the intelligence that Jeopardy does, but at least there was a little thought required.

Kinda makes the train wreck that is the Real Housewives franchise look a little more appealing, doesn’t it?

She's certainly beautiful, but the most beautiful woman in the WORLD? Doubtful.

People Weekly didn’t look very far before proclaiming Beyonce to be the most beautiful woman in the world. If they’d named someone outside theU.S., I might be less skeptical of this proclamation. So without further adieu, here is the latest in People, PLEASE!

1.)                As reported previously in Us Weekly, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are stepping out years after playing a couple on “That 70s Show.” People claims this hookup is long overdue, as the pair thought each though the other was “hot” back in the day. But Mila was dating Kevin from Home Alone, the boy perhaps lesser known as Macauley Culkin.

2.)                Megan Fox and hubby Brian Austin Green are expecting! At least that’s what “sources” have confirmed to E! So it must be true.

3.)                The JLo/Marc Anthony divorce isn’t going as smoothly as Jennifer’s segway from husband to much-younger boyfriend.

4.)                In news that will piss you off, Lindsay Lohan has been cast as Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime network movie about the violet-eyed superstar. Methinks LaLiz is rolling over in her grave. Meanwhile, People is asking the public to cast the role of Richard Burton: Russell Crowe, Brendan Coyle (who??), Jamaine Clement (again, who??), or Clive Owen. I can pretty much guarantee that Crowe and Owen will pass on this “opportunity.”

5.)                Katy Perry is “single and loving it.” So much so, she’s already dating another dark-haired Brit.

6.)                Neil Diamond is off the market, ladies! The 71-year-old crooner married 42-year-old Katie McNeil on April 21. It’s his third trip down the aisle.

7.)                Thomas Beatie, known in tabloid mags as “The Pregnant Man,” has separated from his wife and non-parent to the three children to whom he gave birth. He is also officially a man, after having finally undergone gender reassignment surgery.

8.)                In the first “Awwwww” moment of this issue, a 7-year-old girl born without hands has won aPennsylvaniapenmanship award! It appears her hands were partially formed, as she is able to hold a pencil. And the little marvel wants to write books someday. C’mon! Let’s hear it! “AWWWW!!!”

9.)                Anthony Hopkins is playing Alfred Hitchcock in an upcoming biopic about the making of “Psycho.” The makeup people should be up for Oscars, as the similarities between the actor and the famous director are uncanny with the help of a prosthetic double chin and pouty lower lip.

10.)            Desperate Housewives is coming to a close in a few short weeks and People can’t stop talking about what was once a groundbreaking series and is now a tired series past time for retirement.

11.)            TLC, which ironically stands for The Learning Channel, is bringing us an American version of “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.” Not sure what viewers will “learn” from watching this show and I’m not curious enough to find out for myself.

12.)            Betty White, who’s more popular at age 89 than she was in her 1970s heyday, says she stays in shape thanks to “a very bad memory and a two-story house.”

13.)            Lucky item #13 is dedicated to the alleged World’s Most Beautiful Woman, Beyonce, who clearly enjoys talking about herself. One thing I learned in this featurette is that she struggles to stay in shape. Not because she’s fighting to lose baby weight, but because she has “a hard time toning the backs of my shoulders.”

14.)            Julia Roberts says the best compliment she’s ever received was from a junior high classmate who said she could probably fit a popsicle stick in the gap between her front teeth. Alas, the gap disappeared as she got older.

15.)            79 percent of women say they look younger than their actual age and allegedly think about their looks 6 times a day. Men only think about their looks 5 times a day, so there’s a huge gender gap there.

16.)            Kristin Davis, Leslie Bibb, Wendie Malick, Tori Burch, Aisha Tyler, Kelly Preston, and Madeleine Stowe all reportedly look “half their age.” Which means Bibb, for example, looks 19. I respectfully disagree.

17.)            The best part of this issue? The Stars without Makeup section! J’adore seeing beauties displaying their God-given flaws! But one of the ladies featured is the gorgeous Paris Jackson, daughter of the late Michael Jackson, who is only 14 and shouldn’t be wearing a ton of makeup anyway! She’s stunning in the way nature intended her to be.

18.)            In the humor department, there’s a story on “The Beauty of the Photobomb,” in which celebrity co-stars conduct staged photobombs in professional shoots.

19.)            In the second story having nothing to do with being beautiful, Ryan O’Neal talks about his tortured life, most of which was caused by his own actions. Except for the prostate cancer he was recently diagnosed with.

20.)            Dick Clark recently passed away at the ripe old age of 83 and the magazines can’t get enough of the retrospective pieces they’re issuing about him. Mostly pictures, some captions, and a lot of interesting facts about the world’s oldest teenager. As has been said since his passing, the Mayans were right about the world ending in 2012, because without Dick Clark, there will be no New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.

So, wanna feel like one of the world’s most beautiful? Check out this issue to see Julie Bowen from “Modern Family” without makeup. She’s still stunning, but it might make you feel better anyway.

Pippa's tush isn't the only thing making the headlines these days.

Hello Us Weekly faithful! Didja miss me last week? I apologize for having my nose buried in actual books rather than my Us Weekly – especially during a week when there was a ROYAL SCANDAL! So this week, you’re getting a double dose of what I learned reading two weeks worth of Us Weekly garbage … er … news.

1.)                Britney Spears may or may not be the newest judge on X Factor. I don’t know why she’s in such high demand, as her music is so heavily overproduced and I seriously doubt she’s ever had a hand in writing a song. But the powers that be (read: Simon Cowell) seem willing to pay her a reported $16 million for her so-called “expertise.”

2.)                Courtney Love is once again proving she is totally batshit crazy. She took to the Twitterverse to claim that former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters guitarist/singer Dave Grohl made a pass at her 19-year-old estranged daughter Frances Bean Cobain. Grohl denies the allegations andFrancessays, “I have never been approached by Dave in more than a platonic way. Twitter should ban my mother.”

3.)                Melissa Etheridge’s ex-wife Tammy Lynn Michaels is claiming she can’t possibly live on the $23,000 in monthly spousal support she receives from Melissa. She claims she got used to a $128,000/month lifestyle during her nine-year relationship and needs “extensive retraining” to work again.

4.)                President Obama called Kanye West a jackass and I’m inclined to agree.

5.)                In what I can probably deem the scariest news I’ve read in recent weeks, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi of Jersey Shore fame is 5 months pregnant and says, “No I can be a MILF.” Nope. You can have a million babies and still never be a MILF, Snooks.

6.)                The Beastie Boys can hardly be considered “boys” anymore. As much as I adore them, their hard-partying “fight for your right” lifestyles have not done wonders for their aging process. They look like they were ridden hard and put away wet, as the saying goes.

7.)                Serial co-star dater Blake Lively is planning to move in with serial hottie Ryan Reynolds. They’re looking at homes inConnecticut.

8.)                Tom Cruise likes to receive credit for the little things. He installed a smoothie and cappuccino bar on the set of his upcoming film, Oblivion, with a sign reading, “Courtesy of Mr. Tom Cruise.”

9.)                In a tiny little sidebar, Us Weekly ran the news that Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees has pneumonia and is IN A COMA!!! Oh, and Ryan O’Neal has been diagnosed with stage 2 prostate cancer.

10.)            Working for free is becoming a sensation inHollywood. Tina Fey is set to star in “The Intern,” which is about a businesswoman who takes on a senior citizen as an underling. Meanwhile, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are filming “The Internship,” in which they will play unemployed salesmen.

11.)            Oh, Pippa. You have done a grave disservice to the Queen by partying with stupid people. Our dear, sweet Pippa, known for her famous royal bridesmaid’s ass, was in a car with a moronic friend who pulled out a toy gun and aimed it at paparazzi while they were partying inFrance. Now she’s facing questioning by French police and could be convicted of a crime that would send her to prison for seven years! Oops!

12.)            The world is back on its axis. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are engaged.

13.)            Since we can’t have an issue without Kar-trash-ian news, Kim K has been named one of Us Weekly’s Hot Hollywood Style Winners.

14.)            Apparently, Norah Jones (who I’ve met – she’s very sweet!) and Adele are leading parallel lives 10 years apart.

Now! Onto this week’s issue!

1.)    The Bachelor is totally racist! Apparently only white people are desperate enough to go on TV looking for future failed relationships.

2.)   America’s Next Top Model is still on the air. I had no idea. Tyra Banks hasn’t been seen on The Soup since her talk show went off the air, so I had no idea she was still working in TV.

3.)    Some famous ladies just say no to marriage. Except that they’re all married (or getting there) now. Brad Pitt, Joel Madden, James Tupper, and Nick Cannon all reportedly had to ask for their ladies’ (Angelina, Nicole Richie, Anne Heche, and Mariah Carey) hands more than once until they got a yes.

4.)    Sheree Whitfield was dumped from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Well, she quit before she got fired, claiming she was tired of all the drama. Isn’t drama what these ladies sign up for?

5.)    Josh Hutcherson, 18, is Us Weekly’s “Hero of the Week.” And mine, too, even though I’ve never heard of him. He’s one of the stars of the Hunger Games, in case you haven’t heard of him either. Anyhoo… he adopted a sweet little puppy named Driver, who sustained a broken leg and had two missing toes. “Most people want a perfect puppy, but Josh was willing to take on a dog that needs ongoing care,” said a spokeswoman for the rescue group Hands Paws Hearts. Josh, you’re totally a hero!

6.)    John Mayer recorded a bunch of depressing songs for his upcoming album. He must not be getting laid regularly these days.

7.)    In a nonsensical reader poll, a whopping 61% said they’d rather have Justin Timberlake decorate their homes rather than the Kardashians. Why was this poll taken? Because the Kardashians are offering ugly-ass bedding at Sears, while Justin is launching an interiors line through HomeMint.com.

8.)    Katie Couric says, “I can’t run.” Since I, of course, take this literally, I’m imagining her falling every third step. Which causes insane giggles.

9.)    Quotes of the week

a.)   “The dog trainer told me that my dog is insecure. So now every morning I say to her, ‘You is kind. You is smart. You is important.’” –Brittany Snow

b.)   “I was to the point where my UPS man would come in for a beer.” –Anna Faris on her addiction to online shopping.

c.)   “I don’t like when I see guys do too much hair gel. But I don’t mean Pauly D, because that’s basically performance art.”  –Justin Timberlake

d.)   “My feet are homesick.”  –Jessica Simpson on not being able to wear heels while pregnant (despite the fact that she’s been wearing 5-inch wedges pretty much the entire pregnancy).

10.)                        Headline of the week: “The Biebs Hearts Selena.” He may only be 19 and she 20 (I think), but their love is destined to last because it’s the “real deal.” I totally belieb this two are forever. Until something better comes along.

11.)                        Kim K and Kanye had a “whirlwind reunion” after being a part for an ENTIRE WEEK. This whirlwind included buying ice cream, shopping for leather jackets, and sipping cocktails. I’m exhausted just reading about it.

12.)                        Bachelor Ben Flajnik and crazy bitch Courtney Robertson are shopping for wedding dresses. I wonder which gowns he tried on.

13.)                        New couple alert! Or old, depending on how big a fan of “That 70s Show” you were. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, whose characters dated on that 2000s show about the 1970s, are apparently hooking up.

14.)                        Brad and Angelina spent a day at the beach with their kids. Now that they’re engaged, I’m sure we will be seeing many more stories about this kind of outrageous behavior.

15.)                        Jennifer ‘Addicted to Love’ Hewitt, who recently proclaimed her desire to date Adam Levine since his recent breakup, now wants to hook up with her Client List co-star Colin Egglesfield.

16.)                        Wanna stay fit like the stars? Then become a millionaire and hire your own dietician and personal trainer.

17.)                        In scary Us Weekly ad news, there’s a special issue of Us Weekly all about the Biebs. It includes his “private photo diary,” talks about what it’s like for him to be “18 and on my own,” and “how Selena stole my heart.” It’s on newsstands now! And probably costs about $20.

18.)                        Real Housewife of New Jersey, Teresa Giudice is pissing off all her costars.

19.)                        Michelle Williams and Jason Segal are still dating and they “flaunted their love out on the town in the Big Apple.” I hate it when people flaunt their love. It’s bragging.

20.)                        Serial monogamist Jennifer Lopez wants to head to the altar for the fourth time with her current flame, Casper Smart. He’s 25 and she’s 42, so I can totally see this working out.

21.)                        Reality shows are a great place to find love! And the most successful relationships have come from … Survivor?

22.)                        Single B-list celebrities are talking about what they’re looking for in a mate. ForJerseyShore’s Pauly D, it’s “She’s gotta take care of herself. Gym, tan, all of that.”  Yep. Those things are VERY important.

23.)                        Wanna know how they brought Tupac back from the dead for Coachella? Nah. Me neither.

24.)                        Switch up your hair for spring! With extensions and dye jobs! Totally natural.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I learned reading TWO WEEK’S WORTH of Us Weekly. Stay tuned for next week when I plan to blog from the lusciousislandofKauai. I can never take a vacation from Us.