susieworld

I know it will come as a surprise to viewers, but there’s a catfight going on among the Atlanta housewives.

“Reality” TV takes center stage (again) in this week’s Us Weekly, which is dishing on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I can’t WAIT to share what I learned, so here goes:

1.)                Reese Witherspoon named her new son Tennessee. I suppose it’s better than naming your baby after a piece of fruit, but I’m thinking she could have come up with a better state. No offense to Tennessee, which is home to some great music, but I’d have gone with something that gave a little more direction. Like South Dakota. South for short.

2.)                Ashley Judd is reportedly being BEGGED to run for Senate in 2014. Maybe she should aim a little lower to start. Like city counsel or something.

3.)                Kirstie Alley may be fat, but she’s also a slut.

4.)                Apparently orthodontia is no longer needed. Famous people embrace their gapped-tooth looks. Michael Strahan is the worst offender. You could fit an Italian sausage between those choppers!

5.)                Donald Trump is a douche. Okay, this isn’t news. But NOBODY picks on Brian Williams and gets away with it.

6.)                Britney Spears is in talks to write an autobiography. I hope she can spell “me.”

7.)                Dancing with the Stars pro Cheryl Burke is in talks to become the next Bachelorette.

8.)                Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are eternally grateful to Reese Witherspoon for giving birth on the same day as Megan and taking the attention away from their birth.

9.)                Kate Moss dissed Christy Turlington because Christy was caught wearing a twin set. The HORROR!!! Kate, shut up and go sniff something white and powdery.

10.)            Kate Middleton was caught wearing the same dress TWICE! Oh, the humanity!

11.)            Guys! Guys! Rihanna is going nekkid for GQ.

12.)            Tom Hanks is playing Walt Disney in an upcoming film.

13.)            Break out the hankies. Twilight is finally going away. “Lucky” for us, Kristen Stewart’s cheating scandal will likely keep her and Robert Pattinson in the headlines for months to come.

14.)            Apparently, John Stamos is still relevant enough to be photographed riding a roller coaster.

15.)            Famous bi-sexual Anna Paquin just won’t talk about her twins. I don’t mean her boobies, I actually mean BABIES.

16.)            Mary-Kate Olsen is dating a 42-year-old man and it’s kind of gross.

17.)            Justin Bieber is back on the market, pre-teen girls. But apparently he’s doing everything he can to get back with his ex, Selena Gomez, including proposing marriage. Justin is also apparently tattooed, which is also kind of gross. Not that I have anything against tattoos (I have two), but Justin Bieber with tattoos kind of takes the romance out of it for the rest of us.

18.)            In Brangelina news, they have messy pizza parties with their kids.

19.)            Kim Kardashian plans to lose 10 pounds (probably entirely from her ass), and she’s turned to Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer to get it done.

20.)            Jason Trawick apparently talks smack about his fiancée, Brit-Brit. To prove his case, he puts her on speakerphone so other people can hear her crazy rants. A “source” says it’s not likely they’ll make it down the aisle and I’m inclined to agree.

21.)            Bachelorette update: Ashley Hebert and her TV fiancé will get married in a two-hour special. Bachelorette host Chris Harrison will officiate. How romantic! Do you think she’ll carry roses?

22.)            Brooke Burke has thyroid cancer. She annoys me, but that’s sad news.

23.)            REAL HOUSEWIVES FANS (you know who you are): Kim Zolciak is quitting the show and Kenya Moore is a raging bitch who can’t seem to get along with anybody. Meanwhile, Kim has been replaced with new girl Porscha Stewart whose claim to fame is nothing that I can find. And ousted wife Sheree claims she’ll never return to the franchise and wants viewers to think it was her idea to leave.

24.)            In sad news, Ariel Winter, who plays Alex on Modern Family, was removed from her mother’s custody following years of verbal and emotional abuse. Here’s hoping this little talent will be strengthened by the court-ordered change.

25.)            She’ll never get another juicy fat girl role – Marissa Jaret Winokur lost 60 pounds, which counts her out for a Hairspray sequel.

26.)            It’s the Music Issue and eternal short-term girlfriend Taylor Swift leads the pack. Also, Psy teaches readers how to dance Gangnam Style.

27.)            There’s a short Q&A with Nicki Reed, but something went wrong at the printers and the page is so faded, it’s illegible. So if you want to know about her, you’ll have to pick up another magazine.

28.)            The latest in celeb fashion is contrasting patterns. Don’t try this at home. It’s AWFUL!

29.)            Ankle boots are where it’s at this winter, which is good for me, since I just got a new pair from Zappos!

30.)            Friends, the complete series, is now available on Blu Ray. Still, you won’t be able to get a good look at Ugly Naked Guy.

Stay tuned for next week when the Justin-Selena breakup will likely be reported more in-depth. I can hardly wait.

Keep screwing up in love, Taylor. It’s great for your career!

Oh, Tay-Tay! You’ve written so many bitter breakup songs! Isn’t it time to consider that maybe YOU’RE the problem? Us Weekly and I both think so!

1.)                The Bachelor winner is actually more of a loser. Courtney Robertson claims she felt “brainwashed” during the few months she spent living with her Bachelor ex-fiance Ben Flajnik. Fortunately, she’s learned her lesson about finding love on TV. Wait. No, she hasn’t. She’s currently dating Bachelorette alum Arie Luyendyk.

2.)                It’s been 14 years since their breakup and she married to someone else, but Kate Moss has yet to get over Johnny Depp.

3.)                Lady celebs don’t like to wash their hair very often. In fact, Adele simply doesn’t use shampoo!

4.)                Stay classy, Frasier! Kelsey Grammar and his wife brought their 3-month-old daughter to a Halloween party at the PlayboyMansion.

5.)                Justin Bieber is a fraidy-cat! He’s scared of Hollywood, flying, kissing his girlfriend, elevators, and sharks.

6.)                Cheryl Hines is a self-proclaimed “never nude.” Fans of Arrested Development will get this.

7.)                Husband stealer Gisele Bundchen is having another baby with Tom Brady.

8.)                Snooki was photographed without makeup!

9.)                Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul takes out his own garbage. Probably because he doesn’t want anyone else to find the remnants of a meth lab in his trash.

10.)            AUGH! There’s an ad for the Elizabeth Taylor biopic starring train wreck Lindsay Lohan! La Liz is most certainly spinning in her grave, assuming she wasn’t cremated.

11.)            Meanwhile, another Bachelor/Bachelorette alum, Emily Maynard, has bounced back from her failed TV romance by hooking up with some NASCAR dude, while season 7 couple Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum went ring shopping.

12.)            Carmen Electra and Simon Cowell dated! Eeeeewwww!

13.)            Sharon Osbourne got proactive and got a double mastectomy after learning she had the gene for breast cancer.

14.)            Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos survived Hurricane Sandy.

15.)            Cover Girl Taylor Swift has broken up with her latest boyfriend, 18-year-old Conor Kennedy, who is four years her junior (and still in high school!). She seems to believe her career and relationships don’t mix, but her string of exes, many of whom also work in entertainment, seems to grow ever longer, leading me to believe it’s time for her to reevaluate herself or just admit she’s only dating people in order to write angry hit songs about them later. I learned in a previous Us Weekly that Taylor’s current hit “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is about Jake Gyllenhaal.

16.)            He plays a vampire that sparkles and in real life, Robert Pattinson is just as sappy. He is back with his cheating girlfriend Kristen Stewart, but is apparently not ready to trust her again. DUMP HER, YOU MORON!

17.)            A Teen Mom is preggers again. Leah Calvert, mom to 2-year-old twins, got knocked up by her current boyfriend a few months after she miscarried. Do they not teach about the wonders of birth control in South Carolina??

18.)            TEEN IDOLS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Well, most of those featured have yet to ditch the spotlight, so this is a pointless “article.”

19.)            If you haven’t been in a store lately, you might not be aware that the retail holiday season is upon us. In fact, Costco started celebrating the holidays in August! But all this means to Us Weekly is that long-anticipated movies will be released come yuletide. Of course, I’ve never heard of any of the films mentioned, but apparently people have been waiting for them with baited breath.

20.)            Adam Levine made a guest appearance on American Horror Story and his arm got ripped off. I need to start watching this show!

21.)            Funky patterned jeans are where it’s at.

22.)            Real Housewives fans are getting to know some new housewives in Atlanta and Beverly Hills this season. Among them are an aspiring singer (shocking!), a former actress (wow!), and the wife of a music mogul (desperate!).

23.)            Brittany Snow was bullied in high school.

24.)            Statement lipstick, which is essentially lipstick in every shade known to man, is what the celebs are rocking. I’m not sure what it is about beige lipstick that makes a statement, but Us Weekly thinks it does.

25.)            A fashion don’t is strapping a GIANT BOW to your head. Anyone who does it looks ridiculous.

Jess just needs a little help with dressing, not a full-fledged starvation plan!

Jessica Simpson is apparently a big, fat cow! Nevermind that she just had a baby and has always had quite the rack going on. She’s enormous and the Us Weekly doesn’t like it. Now that I know Us Weekly’s definition of “fat,” here is what else I learned:

1.)                Britney Spears’ troubled past is coming back to haunt her! She’s being sued and the lawsuit makes some pretty amazing allegations. For example, she shaved her head because she was doing meth and didn’t want anyone to find out about it through a hair follicle test.

2.)                Kate Gosselin is fired! No, Donald Trump had nothing to do with it. Ol’ Kate was blogging about couponing and apparently didn’t live up to the company’s standards. The mom of 8 has bigger and better plans for her future – a reality dating show, which I can guarantee will never make it to air.

3.)                Uma Thurman named her baby Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurmon-Busson. It’s the hyphen in the last name that will really piss people off.

4.)                A bunch of celebs are distantly related to one another. The weirdest is Halle Berry, who is regrettably related somehow to Sarah Palin.

5.)                The best advice Ryan Lochte ever received was the classic “Be Yourself” from his dad. I guess daddy didn’t know that actually meant being a total douche.

6.)                Oprah Winfrey has a hobby – bathing. And there’s a scary picture of her in a bathtub to accompany the “story” about it.

7.)                Christina Aguilera likes to go commando.

8.)                Us Weekly got all clever using pictures of various celebrity kids using cell phones presumably to call Suri Cruise.

9.)                John Mayer and Katy Perry are getting serious! Us Weekly knows this because Katy got to meet John’s dad after a whopping four months together.

10.)            Kim Kardashian wore a sinfully awful white eyelet dress in Italy for a birthday trip with her latest boy toy, Kanye West.

11.)            Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani are breaking records! They’ve been married for an entire decade!

12.)            Two people from desperation TV’s “Bachelor House” have broken up. I’m shocked at this news since reality TV couples are always in it for the long haul like Gavin and Gwen.

13.)            Flavor Flav was arrested in Vegas after allegedly attacking his fiancée and her kids with two knives. This news will come as a surprise to everyone who figured Flavor Flav was already in jail.

14.)            Chevy Chase is the latest celeb to offend the bejeezus out of his co-stars by uttering the N-word on set. I have another N-word for him – NO!

15.)            Back to the long-lasting reality TV couples! Emily Maynard is really pissed because her ex, the guy she got engaged to on her SECOND appearance in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, is writing a tell-all book about her. Apparently, Em thinks people actually care enough about her to buy the book.

16.)            In Jolie-Pitt news, the kids got out of the house again. And they had burgers with their “manny.” (For those of you out of the loop, their nanny is a dude.)

17.)            Heidi Montag Pratt, some plastic surgeon’s dream come true, was spotted hosting an anniversary party for a strip club in Vegas. She probably spent her time there reminiscing about when she was relevant for unknown reasons.

18.)            Honey Boo Boo tried spaghetti with “fancy” sauce at the restaurant owned by Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’ Lisa Vanderpump.

19.)            Celeb moms have big plans for their children’s Halloween costumes. No word on how they’ll dress their dogs.

20.)            Jessica Simpson wants to be a “phenomenal role model” for her daughter Maxwell. So she’s dieting to lose weight instead of teaching that people of all sizes are beautiful. Really – the girl doesn’t need to lose weight, she just needs to hire a decent stylist.

21.)            Us Weekly readers know how to ask the important questions. Chris Downey of Portland, Maine wants to know what President Obama would do with a day off. The President smartly said he’d volunteer for his reelection campaign – after spending time with his family and catching a Bears game.

22.)             The Wedding of the Century happened! Okay, it’s the wedding of the century only until Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt marry their respective significant others, but I digress. Ladies, I’m sorry to say Justin Timberlake is officially off the market. But I’m sure if you’re hot enough, he’ll cheat on Jessica Biel with you! Oh – and Justin’s former bandmates were N’Snubbed! Only two of the four N’Syncers were actually invited to the ceremony. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone didn’t make the cut – possibly because they’re both media whores.

23.)            In other baby news, the world has been cursed with yet another Trump. Donald Jr.’s wife had a boy last week. Let’s hope this one never makes a run for president.

24.)            Lance Armstrong has been banned from cycling for life in addition to being stripped of his Tour de France titles. This means Lance and I are tied for number of wins in the Tour de France!

25.)            HOLY CRAP! People actually wear white after Labor Day????

26.)            I’m not the only one rocking sexy glasses these days. Kim Kardashian, Christina Hendicks, Dakota Fanning, and Mary J. Blige have been snapped wearing some not-as-sexy-as-mine-are frames.

27.)            There is more than one way to wear a ponytail.

28.)            Annnnnnnd… Magic Mike is out on DVD. Pardon me. Gotta go.

I never would have seen this coming. The Bachelorette always produces such healthy relationships!

I am shocked and saddened by the cover story in this week’s Us Weekly regarding Bachelorette Emily cheating on her “true love” Jef with one F. This show has such an amazing success rate! Cheat on your other gossip magazines with me as I list the mess of stuff I learned by reading Us Weekly!

1.)                Not everyone should be rocking orange.

2.)                Kim Kardashian’s divorce is continuing to go on considerably longer than her 72-day marriage. All the back-and-forth drama means the relationship won’t officially end until next year.

3.)                Blair from “Facts of Life” is going to be a contestant in the upcoming season of Survivor. We’re not at Eastland anymore.

4.)                Chelsea Clinton is considering a career in politics.

5.)                Rashida Jones wants John Travolta to come out of the closet.

6.)                Suri Cruise is learning to ride a bike.

7.)                Ryan Lochte may be an Olympian medalist, but he’s also kind of a douche.

8.)                Pamela Anderson is going against type and playing a lifeguard in a Brazilian TV show.

9.)                President Obama knows his shaved ice. He may have been born in Kenya (hahahahahahaha!), but he was raised in Hawaii.

10.)            Celebrity kids enjoy wearing fedoras. And they rock them harder than their parents do.

11.)            Us Weekly decided to try out Miley Cyrus’ new haircut on a bunch of other stars. Ryan Gosling kinda rocks it.

12.)            Scarlett Johansson went to Paris with her boyfriend and they ate scallops in a restaurant. The kicker: “They didn’t seem interested in the food,” according to a witness.

13.)            Stacy Keibler is still George Clooney’s beard.

14.)            Jimmy Kimmel got engaged to the head writer of his show. Ben Affleck is going to be so disappointed.

15.)            Real Housewife of Atlanta star Kim Zolciak had her fourth child. His name is Kash.

16.)            Wynonna Judd’s husband had to have his left leg amputated after a motorcycle accident, but Us Weekly says she’s remaining “country strong.”

17.)            The Kardashian Kollection klothing line is spreading like herpes, launching in 13 countries this fall.

18.)            There’s a whole story on Jennifer Aniston’s engagement ring, but no one seems to be able to get a photo of it. So she’s “showing off her sparkles” to everyone except Us Weekly.

19.)            Britney Spears apparently got cold feet and her wedding is OFF!

20.)            Carly Rae Jepsen wrote her infamous song, “Call Me Maybe” about her boyfriend. Then she got famous and dumped him.

21.)            Bachelorette Emily’s SHOCKING betrayal has me turning the page to better stories.

22.)            Taylor Swift is apparently so obsessed with the Kennedys, she’s jumping too fast into a relationship with one – 18-year-old Conor, who is four years her junior. Us Weekly thinks it’s too much too soon.

23.)            Kristen Stewart can’t stop crying after completely f*cking up her relationship with sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson by hooking up with the married director of her latest film. Hard to feel sorry for her.

24.)            Celebrities are making their mark in the world by unintentionally dressing like Sesame Street muppets. Except in the case of Lady Gaga, who clearly wanted to look like Elmo. I dare you to try and tickle her.

Feeling edumacated yet? If not, stay tuned for next week’s saga of What I Learned by Reading Us Weekly.

Suck it, Brangelina! Jen’s gettin’ hitched!

In the wake of the RPats KStew breakup, there is happy news! Jennifer Aniston got engaged! This and so much more is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)                Real Housewives of New Jersey fans are familiar with the tragic story of Teresa Giudice and her husband “Juicy” Joe. Joe is a fat pig who “forgot” his mic was on when he called his wife a bitch and c*nt. But Teresa is blinded by love and is standing behind her douchey husband.

2.)                The Osbournes are boycotting NBC, which probably doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things since NBC’s ratings are already in the toilet. But apparently Jack Osbourne got dumped from the ridiculous reality show “Stars Earn Stripes” because he has MS. Sharon has announced her plans to quit her job as a judge on the NBC “talent” fest, America’s Got Talent. I’m not sure why she was a judge in the first place, since she has no talent to speak of.

3.)                Celebrities discussed their first hangovers with the editors of Us and Lady Gaga reported that she was surrounded by chicken and waffles and cuddling her weave “like a teddy bear.”

4.)                ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS: Miley Cyrus cut her hair. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

5.)                Ryan Lochte is being considered as the next charming contestant on The Bachelor and only 40% of Us readers think he’d be a good choice.

6.)                Lisa Kudrow on her Real Housewives addiction: “I think it’s important to watch the end of the world happening.”

7.)                Beyonce went on vacation and took some pictures.

8.)                The newest celeb couple is Katy Perry and John Mayer.

9.)                Taylor Swift is apparently obsessed with the Kennedys. She’s dating a Kennedy grandson and dresses a lot like Jackie O.

10.)            OMG!!! They’re finally filming Arrested Development again!

11.)            Shiri Appleby got engaged. Don’t know who she is? Yeah, me either.

12.)            Sorry, ladies. Zach Galifanakis is officially off the market.

13.)            Everyone on the planet is telling Robert Pattinson to dump Kristen Stewart after she was caught on camera cheating. He’s hiding out at Reese Witherspoon’s place while he plans what to do next, though you can hardly call it hiding when it’s reported in a trashy gossip magazine.

14.)            Kim K and Kanye West vacationed in Hawaii, but it was more business than pleasure.

15.)            Us asks the important questions about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. Like “why she said yes.”  I think she said yes because he friggin’ asked her to marry him! The girl’s not gettin’ any younger, people. Of course Us got her reaction to the proposal from “sources close to the couple.”

16.)            Meanwhile, the Brad and Angelina wedding is still on.

17.)            The Spice Girls are apparently “sexier than ever.”

18.)            Breakups seem to do wonders for some celeb ladies who dropped pounds and are out on the prowl. Us calls them “revenge makeovers.”

19.)            Denim shirts are making a comeback.

20.)            Duchess Kate does pretty things with her hair.

21.)            America’s Next Top Model is back! Which gets me thinking, “Is that show still on?”

22.)            Just when you thought reality TV couldn’t get any worse, E! scrapes the bottom of the barrel again with “Married to Jonas.”

23.)            Oprah may have ditched her talk show, but this queen of self-importance continues to air specials called “Oprah’s Next Chapter” on her personal cable network. In this week’s episode, she travels to Barbados to do humanitarian work – interviewing Rihanna.

24.)            Did you know there are more awards shows than there are days in the year? One I don’t understand is the Do Something Awards, which seems to think Justin Bieber is totally charity-minded. It was pretty charitable when he suggested that Prince William look into hair replacement therapies.

25.)            Based on what’s being released this week, I am now positive I made the right decision when I decided to stop going to movies.

CHEATER! Maybe now we’ll know why she always has that smug bitchy look on her face.

It’s the latest on RPatz and KStew in this week’s edition of What I Learned by Reading Us Weekly!

1.)                Russell Brand admitted that he married Katy Perry with the hope of having children with her. She wasn’t interested. Marriage over.

2.)                Justin Bieber claims he’s all grown up, but the kid’s still waiting for his voice to change! Plus, he called President Obama “dude.”

3.)                The JerseyShore ladies are feuding. Over who copied who.

4.)                Kris Humphries and Kanye West are also feuding. Over the world’s biggest ass.

5.)                Tom Cruise spent some quality time with Suri in NYC and took her to the Hamptons.

6.)                Matt Lauer got a fake face tattoo when meeting Mike Tyson for the Late Show with Jimmy Fallon. They both looked ridiculous.

7.)                There is a list of 25 stars who have been married more than 10 years. Hollywood marriage years are similar to dog years, I think. One year counts as seven so celebs don’t appear quite so fickle.

8.)                Miley Cyrus walks her own dog and Marcia Cross ties her own shoes! That’s what makes these stars “Just Like Us.”

9.)                The Teen Choice Awards happened and nobody cared. Except Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, who celebrated her 20^th birthday by having the entire audience sing Happy Birthday. What a couple of attention whores.

10.)            According to Us, when Drake grows up (he’s 25), he’s going to look like Lionel Richie.

11.)            True Blood stars Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin are having twins.

12.)            Since Katy Perry didn’t want to have children with Russell Brand, she’s found herself the perfect rebound guy in John Mayer.

13.)            Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis got back together! Okay, it was only for a family day, but still…

14.)            Tiki Barber got married, but didn’t take a page out of the Ochocinco handbook and live tweet the ceremony. This is disappointing. I was hoping for a new trend.

15.)            American Idol has scored itself a diva by hiring Mariah Carey to be the newest judge after dumping all three of last season’s judges. She’s certainly got the jugs to fill the roles of three people.

16.)            Kristen Stewart, aka KStew, was caught on camera cheating on her boyfriend Robert Pattinson, aka RPatz, with her director who happens to be a married father of two and has no clever media-given nickname. And all this happened while poor lovestruck Robert was planning to propose! Harsh, Kristen. Like I needed another reason not to like you.

17.)            Bachelorette Emily Maynard is a slut. Film at 11.

18.)            Ladies, this issue may be worthy of a look next time you’re in the grocery store checkout line. There’s a lovely feature on the sexy men of the Olympics. And one on the women, too.

19.)            Molly Sims introduced her baby to the world via Us Weekly. So far, it doesn’t look like baby Brooks will be a model like his mama. I’m not saying the baby is ugly…. Okay maybe I am. I’m a terrible person.

20.)            Kelly Clarkson “dishes on tour life, real estate, and real pain.” The pain is not emotional like you’d expect. She recently sprained her ankle.

21.)            “Hollywood’s Hippest Shades” are really ugly sunglasses.

22.)            Michelle Obama knows how to rock an outfit.

23.)            California was cursed with the case of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (a show I am unashamedly hooked on), who brought their baggage to the wine country. The main reason to watch is for token gay boy Greg Bennett!

24.)            Breaking Bad is coming to an end, possibly destroying the plans for future meth lab builders everywhere.

Us Weekly came early this week and as a result missed out on the story of the week – the alleged kidnapping of Paris Jackson (Michael’s daughter, in case you live under a rock). So stay tuned for next week! This shit is gonna get GOOD.

It’s a festival of Katie Holmes as I recap TWO WHOLE WEEKS worth of what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

WEEK ONE:

1.)             Taylor Swift has a “Kennedy Crush.” She’s been flirting with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s son Patrick. Apparently, she’s an obsessed Kennedy fan, so I hope she’s ready for tragedy.

2.)             Feud of the Week: PETA vs. the Olsen Twins. PETA hates these girls for promoting fur and while I’m not firmly on the side of PETA because they’re a little crazy, I have to side with them on this one.

3.)             BREAKING: Anderson Cooper is gay. Carry on.

4.)             Chad Ochocinco recently got married and live tweeted the entire event.

5.)             Tie-dye is making a comeback and it isn’t pretty.

6.)             The stars of Magic Mike are photographed with their proud parents. Channing Tatum, who was an actual male stripper for a time, didn’t tell his parents about his career choice. Maybe they found out about it by reading Us Weekly!

7.)             There is a “bitter rivalry” brewing between Andrew Garfield (Spiderman) and Robert Pattinson (sparkly vampire). Because they are British and around the same age, people seem to expect them to be besties, but they just don’t like each other. Us Weekly failed to elaborate further.

8.)             Demi Moore is reportedly not speaking to her daughters. They don’t like “walking on eggshells” around her and she reportedly bailed before her youngest daughter received her high school diploma. Maybe she was hoping to hit up one of the high school parties early to make sure there was still enough whipped cream cans to go around.

9.)             KATIE HOLMES NEWS PART ONE: Us Weekly proclaims that Katie blindsided Tom with divorce papers to save her daughter from Scientology. THEN, a “source” says Katie didn’t do it to expose Tom or Scientology. I’m confused.

10.)       A new Kardishian has been kreated.

11.)       Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are FIGHTING. Maybe she was nagging him for getting caught driving 80 mph in a 60 mph zone in a car that shouldn’t belong to a teenager. He was rewarded with a speeding ticket.

12.)       There’s a feud among the Real Housewives of New York. Crazy-eyed Ramona just doesn’t like creepy-smiled Heather and isn’t afraid to say so. Heather is just so FAKE. And Ramona is just Ramotional.

13.)       Sweet Blake Lively is playing a pothead who gets around with the boys – a far cry from her role on Gossip Girl as a rich bitch who gets around with the boys.

14.)       Nicki Minaj is voicing Steffie the Mammoth in the latest Ice Age movie.

15.)       Amy WInehouse’s dad is speaking out about his late daughter. He supported her decision to get a boob job, but didn’t want her to get rhinoplasty. “I went mad … this was ridiculous.”

16.)       Us Weekly tells readers how to play up their assets as if they can possibly look like celebrities by buying expensive makeup products.

17.)       There’s a new show called “Hollywood Exes” about the throw-away wives of celebrities. They were thrown away for a reason, I imagine. Maybe because they’re attention whores.

And – onto PART TWO!

18.)       Katy Perry can actually dress like a normal person. Still waiting for a similar story on Bjork.

19.)       There’s been a big shakeup on American Idol – everyone got fired! Well, JLo’s camp says she had too many other obligations, but I think that’s just code for getting fired.

20.)       Stars claim they want nothing more than some respect for their privacy, then go on to overshare about stuff we have no business knowing about. Like Jane Fonda having a fulfilling sex life at the ripe old age of 74.

21.)       Justin Bieber admits that he would get his ass kicked by the members of One Direction. Are you listening, Pay-Per-View??

22.)       So Comic-Con happened.

23.)       Pregnant ladies refuse to give up their heels. I think sometimes the bigger they get, the higher the heel. Which is insane.

24.)       Naomi Watts is playing Princess Di in a movie biopic and she’s really got the look down!

25.)       Nick and Vanessa Lachey had a date!

26.)       Brad Pitt fights zombies in his upcoming film, and is also fighting his director, Marc Forster. Apparently Brad will only speak to the director through an intermediary. Mature.

27.)       For Sofia Vergara, it appears to take multiple break-ups to finally get that diamond ring. Within weeks of her most recent breakup with her boyfriend, he proposed.

28.)       Jillian Michaels has apparently realized when you leave a hit show, you become a really Big Loser. She’s campaigning to get back on the show.

29.)       Paris Jackson, daughter of the late King of Pop, is getting into acting and Auntie Janet is not pleased.

30.)       MORE KATIE HOLMES NEWS: She’s happily ensconced with Suri in NYC. That is all.

31.)       The Bachelorette is down to the final two and I still don’t give a shit.

32.)       Sylvester Stallone’s son died of a reported drug overdose. Sad, but not surprising.

33.)       Us Weekly speculates about what Kris Humphries must be thinking about his ex-wife’s PDAs with Kanye West. Among the supposed “insults” is Kanye is short! Harsh!

34.)       A controversial “diet pill” has hit the market and there’s a long story about it in a full page ad. Not sure what the selling point is here.

I don’t feel very educated, even after two full weeks of reading Us Weekly. I may need to pay more attention to People.

What took her so long??

Katie Holmes has had ENOUGH! Yes – ALL CAPS ENOUGH! And thank God, because not only does it mean she’s sane, but it also means there’s absolutely nothing in this issue about The Bachelorette! Woohoo! Here’s what I learned by reading this week’s Early Edition Us Weekly.

1.)               Charlie Sheen can’t stay sober. Surprised? Apparently, he pleaded with his ex-wife Denise Richards to go on a trip to NY with her and their daughters while Denise was promoting her latest stupid movie. Charlie promised to be straight, but promptly ignored his children and trashed a hotel room just like the last time they tried this. Apparently, he wanted a family photo op with the kids and ex at the premiere and wound up pissed off and disappointed when the girls reneged. Maybe Denise will take a page from the Holmes handbook and finally get the hell away from him!

2.)               Dylan McDermott helped investigators solve his mother’s unsolved murder by simply asking them to reopen the case. This makes him a real-life crime fighter, according to Us.

3.)               SHOCKING! Celebrities admit to wearing hair extensions! I, for one, TOTALLY BELIEVED their hair had grown six inches overnight. It just takes a little hair Viagra, right?

4.)               Ann Curry is none to pleased with Matt Lauer for his role in getting her kicked off the Today Show. Set sources said you could cut the tension with a knife as she bid teary farewells to everyone but him.

5.)               Rumors circulated that Russell Brand took Charlie Sheen to a yoga class, but they are FALSE! “If one thing would be guaranteed to ruin yoga, it would be the presence of Charlie Sheen,” he said. I don’t know. I think the presence of Russell Brand might ruin it, too.

6.)               Stars’ kids are “just like Us” because they play with wheelbarrows, can’t parallel park, and throw away trash.

7.)               In non-news, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are still happily married. Come ON! Where’s the DRAMA??

8.)               Miley Cyrus, 19, is engaged and now Us Weekly says she wants to have a baby STAT.

9.)               As expected, silver screen doofus Zach Galifianakis is marrying a ballerina. Yeah. I can’t wait to see the wedding photos either.

10.)          Tony Parker is missing out on playing hoops in the Olympics because of an eye injury he sustained while trying to break up a Rihanna-based brawl between Drake and Chris Brown.

11.)          It wasn’t all magic on the Magic Mike set. Apparently, Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer just don’t like each other.

12.)          Weight Watchers is betting $4 million that Jessica Simpson will lose all her baby weight by the end of summer. If you’ve seen pictures of the girl’s rack lately, you’d know that’s not exactly a safe bet. Her boobs probably weigh 20 of the 70 pounds she gained while pregnant.

13.)          Kim Kardashian is the only person in the world with Kanye West’s cell phone number. West “doesn’t like to be tied down by technology,” a source says. “It frustrated Kim. She had to call him through a bodyguard.” But he recently got himself a “secret cell phone.” God forbid Kim K should be inconvenienced.

14.)          The story we’ve been waiting 7 years to hear is the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes breakup. It was destined to happen the minute he jumped the couch back in 2005. Katie is also smart enough to be asking for full custody of Suri so she doesn’t grow up with Scientology. I don’t know why the girl thought this whole marriage to Tom Cruise thing was a good idea in the first place, but at least she finally came to her senses and reportedly fled in the middle of the night while he was filming inIcelandto her own place in NYC.

15.)          Adele is having a baby!

16.)          Speaking of babies, Kristin Stewart was overheard telling a pregnant woman she wanted to have a baby someday, so now the story is that Kristin wants to get knocked up by her boyfriend Robert Pattinson AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! This is how rumors get started.

17.)          Hunter Parrish, who is best known for playing Silas on “Weeds” is also a musician who is releasing his first record soon.

18.)          Oh, Lord. There’s a new reality show called “Beverly Hills Nannies.” Hide your children! This sounds like it could be a real train wreck.

19.)          Stop bearing your navels, ladies. Belly shirts are SO last season!

That’s all the news that’s fit, or unfit, to print this week. Stay tuned to next week’s edition when there will undoubtedly be much more about the Bachelorette.

Come here, Johnny. Let me take the hurt away.

Johnny Depp is nursing a broken heart and I, for one, would be more than happy to help him heal. This and more is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)               Ann Curry got dumped from the Today Show presumably because she has no chemistry with Matt Lauer. Personally, I think she’s just too good a newswoman for that campy show that hasn’t been good since the days of Jane and Bryant. I wish bigger and better things for her.

2.)               Roberto Martinez, who was dumped by Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, could be the next Bachelor, assuming the producers are willing to pay his $750,000 asking price.

3.)               In “Why???” news, Kristin Stewart has made it to the Forbes list of highest paid actress after raking in $34.5 million last year. She is the youngest celeb to make the list. I can’t stand the perennially miffed actress because she just seems so nonplussed all the time. But to each their own.

4.)               In an attempt to email her son’s dentist pictures of the boy’s swollen gums, Jenny McCarthy accidentally emailed him a nude photo of herself. Common mistake.

5.)               “It made me … put a chastity belt on!”JerseyShore’s JWoww said about Snooki’s pregnancy. Yeah, it had that effect on the entire nation, I think.

6.)               Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox went toHawaiion a “babymoon,” a concept I’ll never understand. Why go to paradise when you’re preggers and can’t enjoy the fine cocktails the islands have to offer??

7.)               Prince William fed a rhinoceros.

8.)               If you thought Jessica Simpson had giant knockers before, you should get a load of her monstrous post-pregnancy cleavage now! She currently uses it to store her cell phone, but I think she could probably fit the entire contents of her purse in their. And she usually carries a humongous handbag!

9.)               Grunge is back! Pull out those flannels and get dressed down!

10.)          Kim Kardashian is one of many superstars (heh heh) who EATS ICE CREAM!

11.)          Celebrities are clumsy. Or stupid. Or both. A number of them have gotten themselves a few boo boos recently.HalleBerryhas a broken foot, Anne Hathaway’s arm is in a cast, and the aforementioned JWoww was snapped riding one of those scooters for the fat and infirm because she sprained her ankle. During a bar brawl.

12.)          So Madonna is still making videos.

13.)          Lindsay Lohan is still playing Elizabeth Taylor in a biopic on the iconic actress’s life. I think even Richard Burton might be rolling around in his grave. I’d say Larry Fortensky, but he’s still regrettably above ground.

14.)          Alexander Skarsgaard is “just like Us” because he used a basket while shopping!

15.)          John Mayer’s latest conquest is Jennifer Morrison of Hunger Games fame. She’s 21 and he’s 34.

16.)          Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are having TWINS! I hope they have a boy and a girl to represent her admitted love of both genders. (She’s married to a man, but opened up about being bisexual.)

17.)          Oprah Winfrey appears to be desperate to stay relevant after leaving her talk show by bonding with Kim Kardashian.

18.)         HalleBerrymay have received her previously mentioned injury by trying to kick her lawyer’s ass. She has been ordered to pay her ex, Gabriel Aubrey, $20,000 a month in child support.

19.)          Joan Rivers’ face is finally going to start sagging. She recently announced she has stopped Botoxing. “I couldn’t blow out the candles on my birthday cake.” Zoiks!

20.)          NBC is apparently on a firing rampage. The network showed no sympathy for Jack Osborne, who was recently diagnosed with MS. They fired him from a summer reality series that documents “celebrities” attempting military exercises.

21.)          Poor Johnny Depp! Us says he tried really hard to salvage the relationship with his longtime love Vanessa Paradis, but it turned out she was just too big a bitch. Okay, Us Weekly didn’t really report that. In sad news, he decided not to wait until meeting me and is already palling around with Amber Heard.

22.)          Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux went on a romantic, and public (thanks to Us Weekly!) vacation toEurope.

23.)          Katy Perry admits she wasn’t ready to have Russell Brand’s child, which is what led to their breakup. With Snooki’s demon spawn on the way, it’s probably good that she saved the world from this potential tragedy.

24.)          While most teen moms probably find it difficult to find boys willing to put up with their mistake, er, little blessing, Maci Bookout can’t seem to get rid of her BF.

25.)          Bachelorette Emily is a total diva! Us Weekly reports she’s scheming for a bigger TV gig, screams at producers, measures guys by their money, throws fits about hair and makeup, and totally DISSED host Chris Harrison. I’m not sure how any of this is a surprise.

26.)          Matthew McConaughey has no problem playing bongos in the nude, but it took him a little while to get into dancing in a thong for Magic Mike.

27.)          In ugly fashion news, short suits are the latest trend. There’s nothing professional about short-shorts and a matching blazer.

28.)          In case you didn’t already know, Us Weekly teaches us how to wear leather pants. Wear them with open-toed shoes, don’t get baggy pants, and offset the look with a loose top. Guys, are you listening?

29.)          Magic Mike was obviously not reviewed by a woman. It only received 2 ½ out of 4 stars!

30.)          Maroon 5’s latest album is called “Overexposed.” Are you listening to yourself, Adam Levine? I didn’t think so!

31.)          Aubrey O’Day wore a barely-there leotard to an event in Vegas. Fortunately, she carried her two accessory dogs to protect the goodies.

Stay tuned for next week when today’s big news – the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce – will likely take over the entire magazine! I, for one, can’t wait to hear how he’ll finally hook up with John Travolta. Maybe they can get his-and-his massages!