susieworld

Us Weekly is reporting about REAL news this week! And one of the things I learned is that Matt Lauer is a total douche. Check it out!

 

1.)    First it was on, then it was off, then it was back on, and now it’s off again. Poor little Miley Cyrus isn’t marrying Liam Hemsworth. Again.

 

 

2.)    Meanwhile, Real Housewife of Orange County Gretchen Rossi IS getting married. To her creepy wannabe boyfriend Slade. She asked him to marry her on his radio show.

 

3.)    “My greatest pain in life is that I’ll never be able to see myself perform live.” –Kanye West

 

 

4.)    Kid Rock says his time spent in strip clubs is a thing of the past. Now he’s taken up antiquing. True story!

 

 

5.)    Flavor Flav says he has been wearing the same clock since 1987.

 

 

6.)    The late ‘80s are back in terms of sunglasses. Get out to the store and treat yourself to colored mirrored lenses and you might get mistaken for a celeb!

 

 

7.)    Matt Lauer isn’t the only douche in this week’s issue. Justin Bieber keeps getting douchier and douchier.

 

8.)    Kris Jenner got herself a talk show. I’m scared.

 

 

9.)    Kate Hudson played a groupie in “Almost Famous” and is now claiming to be one in real life. She says she’s a Muse groupie because her fiancé is in the band.

 

 

10.) Johnny Galecki of “The Big Bang Theory” gets himself hot blondes! He once dated his co-star, Kaley Cuoco, and now he’s dating actress Kelli Garner. I’m not sure what Kelli Garner is famous for, but she’s pretty.

 

 

11.) Niel Patrick Harris, his fiancé, and twin children are moving to NYC. Hopefully, they will be getting married soon, as they’ve been together 10 years.

 

12.) Robert Downey, Jr. advises other men about cheating on their partners. If you don’t want to get caught, don’t cheat! Good advice.

 

 

13.) So there’s going to be a sequel to the Smurfs movie. And Britney Spears is recording a song for the soundtrack. All the more reason to skip this one.

 

14.) Sandra Bullock is really cool. She’s screening her upcoming film early for Boston police and FBI agents.

 

 

15.) Another Real Housewives spinoff is in the works. Nene Leakes will star in a series about her second marriage to her ex-husband Greg.

 

16.) Sunday Night Football announcer Al Michaels got himself a DUI.

 

 

17.) In between antiquing trips, Kid Rock found the time to criticize Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z for their exorbitant ticket prices. I’m with Kid on this one. If I had the desire to see the “Suit and Tie” performers, I’d have to shell out $250. If I wanted to see Kid Rock, it’d only run me $20. I’m saving money by not going to either show this summer.

 

 

18.) Glee has been renewed for two more seasons. That’s two more seasons I won’t be watching. The show has gone from cute to sucky in the space of one season.

 

19.) Prince Harry is going to lead a bunch of injured British military men and women on a trek to the South Pole.

 

 

20.) Kim Kardashian is having a lonely pregnancy. Kanye West has been MIA because he’s recording in Paris, leaving Kim to cry all alone.

 

 

 

21.) Selena Gomez may have been proud of making her ex, Justin Bieber, cry. But he’s probably stopped crying now because the stupid girl is back together with him!

 

22.) Ewwww! Jennifer Love Hewitt may be the next “X Factor” judge. Simon Cowell is scraping the bottom of the barrel these days. On the bright side, Reba McEntire and Kelly Rowland are also being considered.

 

 

23.) Bethenny Frankel left her latest divorce and custody hearing “hysterical.” Sorry, Bethy, that’s what you get for being such a bitch by trying to keep your daughter’s father from her.

 

24.) Duchess Kate is “stressing” about getting just the right stroller and car seat for the Royal Fetus.

 

 

25.) COVER STORY: Us Weekly reports that Ann Curry was bullied and tortured during her run on “Today.” The antics by Lauer and producers were borderline hazing rituals as they worked to oust the talented anchor. Some staffers used to get together to screen a montage of Curry’s on-air mistakes. Her revenge is to wake up early and watch “Good Morning, America.” And she says she’ll never speak to Matt again. Producers, who declared getting rid of Curry would be like “killing Bambi” named their plot “Operation Bambi.” What a bunch of dicks! Meanwhile, “Today” isn’t winning the ratings since hiring new blood, Samantha Guthrie. Serves them right!

 

26.) In hilarious news, Reese Witherspoon got in a little trouble with the police when her husband got arrested for DUI. She pulled the ol’ “don’t you know who I AM?” routine, which didn’t work all that well for her, since she got arrested, too.

 

 

27.) Ozzy Osbourne recently admitted he has been drinking and drugging again. Wife Sharon declared, “It’s drugs or me!” According to Us Weekly, anyway.

 

28.) Somebody I’ve never heard of modeled a bunch of jeans to show off the new denim trends. Unfortunately, the trends are pretty much all skinny jeans. And not everyone should wear skinny jeans. Skinny jeans lead to muffin tops.

 

 

29.) Mark Wahlberg got a fake tan for an upcoming role. He also ate a ton to gain weight. I want to be an actress who has to gain weight for a role!

 

30.) Ladies, get to the mall and buy yourself a bright yellow mini-dress! All the stars are wearing them!

 

 

31.) You (yes, YOU) can look younger with the use of very expensive products.

 

32.) Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks got herself a Bieber haircut! She admits she looks like a douche now. Okay, not exactly her words, but still.

 

 

33.) Macklemore was pictured in the Fashion Police feature wearing a fringed suit. The fashion police didn’t like his look, but what can you expect from a guy who goes to the thrift shop with only $20 in his pocket?

 

34.) Tie dye is not a good look for everyone. Including celebs!

 

 

So that’s what I learned. There wasn’t as much “funny” in this issue, but things will surely improve as Kim K gets more and more preggers.

Hello, enablers! Did you miss me? I spent a few weekends in Hawaii, where the Us Weeklys are a week behind. My apologies to those of you who wanted to read more about the Kardashians being America’s royal family. But I’m back now, so on to our stories!

Blake Shelton is a flirt and his lovely wife, Miranda Lambert trusts him so much, she monitors his phone and email! That and SO MUCH MORE is what I learned by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)    In a shocking turn of events, a Teen Mom has turned porn star. Sources say Farrah Abraham is trying to become more famous by going the Kim Kardashian route. She freaked out about a sex tape “accidentally” being released, but as it turns out, she was paid to make the video. Gee. I never saw this coming from a teen mom.

 

2.)    MTV has canceled a show I’ve never heard of because one of the cast members died. Sadly, it apparently takes death to rid the world of obnoxious reality shows.

 

3.)    Betty Draper goes dark! January Jones dyed her hair brown for her Mad Men role.

 

4.)    Gwyneth Paltrow, who is far too young for the stuff, has declared she will never do Botox again because it made her look like Joan Rivers.

 

5.)    Reese Witherspoon has also dyed her hair brown for a role.

 

6.)    It’s true. There will be another “Beverly Hills Cop.” And Eddie Murphy has dusted off his Detroit Lions jacket for it.

 

7.)    The MTV Movie Awards happened.

 

8.)    Halle Berry is pregnant and I had no idea! Us Weekly is doing a piss-poor job of reporting, I think!

 

9.)    George W. Bush is a grandpa. I’m scared.

 

10.) I guess the new thing is to renew your vows after 5 years of marriage. Um…give things a chance to get a little rough so you can really celebrate your success with a vow renewal. I suppose in Hollywood, though, five years is something of a miracle.

 

11.) Jessica Biel never wants to give Justin Timberlake time alone. She follows him even on the golf course.

 

12.) 38-year-old Bradley Cooper is dating a 20-year-old named Suki.

 

13.) Sorry, boys, Nate Berkus is off the market. He proposed to his boyfriend on a hike in Peru.

 

14.) Robert Pattinson threw his creepy girlfriend Kristen Stewart an all-night rager for her 23^rd birthday.

 

15.) Taylor Swift is kind of a spoiled brat. When she learned that her ex, John Mayer, was scheduled to perform before her at the CMAs, she flipped. Tay-Tay eventually got her way and performed before Mayer, but ended up not winning anything and skipped all the after parties like a big baby.

 

16.) Ozzy Osbourne admitted that he has been drinking and doing drugs for the past year plus. But he and Sharon are NOT divorcing. She has years of practice putting up with his shit.

 

17.) Miranda Lambert is the new Tammy Wynette. She says divorcing Blake Shelton is not an option and monitors all his stuff to keep him in line. Apparently, some contestant on The Voice fell in love with him or something. And Blake believed that Christina Aguilera’s boobs deserved their own chair on the show.

 

18.) Amanda Bynes has completely lost her mind. And it’s awesome to watch! I follow her on Twitter just to see what craziness she’ll come up with next.

 

19.) Tori Spelling lost all her baby weight after infant #4. Us wants to tell me how she did it, but I’m not interested.

 

20.) Matt Damon and his lovely wife Luciana renewed their vows, too. In Hawaii. This one makes more sense to me, though, since the first ceremony was just a civil one. So Matty pulled out all the stops this time for his bride. *sigh*

 

21.) A lot of big names got their start on General Hospital.

 

22.) Joe Biden is a fan of Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ show “Veep.”

 

23.) Ke$ha has her own reality show.

 

24.) Denim shirts are in? Really??

 

25.) There were some really ugly outfits at Coachella.

 

26.) Break out your disco albums and get your groove on. Bell-bottom jumpsuits are BACK!

 

So that’s what I learned, which isn’t much for being on a two-week hiatus. I’m sure there’ll be more next week, so stay tuned!

Wanna know what it’s like to be involved with a sex addict? Read on to find out about that and everything else I learned by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)                 Justin Bieber is one freaky dude. Taking a page out of the Michael Jackson handbook, he stepped out in public wearing a gas mask in London and tabloids are claiming he’s on the verge of a breakdown. I’ll keep you posted!

 

2.)                 Jon Hamm’s penis is back in the news! (It even has its own Twitter account!) Apparently, the “Mad Men” actor has a habit of going commando at work and his pee-pee has become a distraction to his co-stars. A show source said the costumers “have their hands full.” HA!

 

3.)                 Stars aren’t afraid to admit to bribing their children to get them to do things.

 

4.)                 Jay Leno (who can kiss my cute little ass) is on the way out (again) and JIMMY FALLON will be taking his place on “The Tonight Show.” This is good news for everyone under the age of 50 with a decent sense of humor.

 

5.)                 Don’t worry! L’il Wayne is on the mend!

 

6.)                 Jenna Fischer of “The Office” once worked as a telephone psychic.

 

7.)                 Elle Fanning has a crush on Ryan Gosling and once got a coloring book of the actor for Christmas.

 

8.)                 Rob Lowe got to use a jetpack and it looks so cool!

 

9.)                 Despite what I said about not calling Kim Kardashian fat in last week’s blog, I have to say she doesn’t exactly look skinny in a skin tight top and pencil skirt with her pregnant belly.

 

10.)             Bravo TV exec Andy Cohen has a rockin’ body!

 

11.)             The Kids’ Choice Awards happened and I honestly think some of the celebs who participated are people most kids haven’t even heard of.

 

12.)             Lisa Vanderpump may be starring on two series (“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and “Dancing with the Stars”), but the REAL superstar is her teacup Pomeranian, Giggy, who is always impeccably dressed.

 

13.)             Kim K could use some style advice from pregnant Jenna Dewan (Mrs. Channing Tatum). Dewan rocks pregnancy garb and doesn’t ever look frumpy.

 

14.)             The new season of “The Bachelorette” will feature two teams of men vying for the affections of former “Bachelor” cast-off Desiree Hartsock.

 

15.)             Justin Timberlake’s hair has gone through evolution. Thank God it’s looking better these days than in his frosted tip era.

 

16.)             Willie Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” says his wife was his summer crush.

 

17.)             Miranda Lambert can’t wait to find out if her relationship with Blake Shelton is going to survive. She updates her relationship status by reading the tabloids that have most recently claimed Blake cheated on her.

 

18.)             After admitting in last week’s issue that she didn’t feel pretty enough to snag Jason Sudekis, Olivia Wilde now says they are blissfully engaged.

 

19.)             Denise Richards is a total soccer mom.

 

20.)             Us Weekly is really terrible at keeping secrets. They’re breaking the news that Hayden Panettiere is “secretly engaged” to a boxer. The pugilist variety, not the dog breed.

 

21.)             Sofia Vergara plans on using a surrogate to have a baby with her fiancé.

 

22.)             Mary-Kate Olson doesn’t want to get married. Her boyfriend is 47 (she’s 26), and he wants to pop the question, but she’s hedging.

 

23.)             Bachelor Sean Lowe and his final rose recipient Catherine Guidici have already hit a rough patch. But apparently they’re over it.

 

24.)             Snooki named J-Woww as her baby’s godmother.

 

25.)             Helena Bonham Carter will play Elizabeth Taylor to Dominic West’s Richard Burton in an upcoming film that is not being directed by Carter’s sweetie Tim Burton. I don’t see her in the role, but she’s a better choice than LiLo.

 

26.)             I didn’t even know they were dating, but Malcolm-Jamal Warner and Regina King have called it quits.

 

27.)             If you like My Chemical Romance, you will be disappointed to know that they broke up.

 

28.)             Former Teen Mom Farrah Abraham snagged herself a DUI. Keep it classy, Farrah!

 

29.)             Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie make more than just babies. Their wine earned 90 points from Wine Spectator.

 

30.)             THIS PART IS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION!! Did I get your attention? Tiger Woods likes nookie and Lindsey Vonn doesn’t seem to mind. Meanwhile, ol’ Tiger had some competition in vying for Lindsey’s affections in the form of Kim Kardashian ex Kris Humphries. Linds sure knows how to pick ‘em! Meanwhile, her dating life may affect her endorsement deals. “What female-focused company wants its spokesperson dating a former sex addict?” a “pal” said. I want to know who things Tiger is actually cured of his addiction.

 

31.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’ Adrienne Maloof broke her contract with Bravo by not attending the reunion show. She was too chicken shit to face the music when it came to her battle with Brandi Glanville over the news that Adrienne used a surrogate to have her 9-year-old twins. WHO THE HELL CARES, ADRIENNE?? Face the music, ya dumb whore! (Sorry. I am very strongly on Brandi’s side in this reality show debacle and won’t miss Adrienne next season since she’s a big fat quitter!)

 

32.)             People are a little peeved at Matt Lauer, myself included, for his role in getting the very talented Ann Curry ousted from “The Today Show.” NBC could give him the boot before his contract is up in 2015.

 

33.)             A bunch of women have undergone self makeovers and they look simply lovely. But I don’t need 10 pages of it! What a waste of space that could be better used to report celebrity bullshit!

 

34.)             Back to the “Real Housewives” franchise. Despite earlier intentions, Alexis Bellino is back as an OrangeCounty housewife. Jesus Jugs, as she was so aptly named by a castmate, has a new Bible-thumping ally this season, though, which could make things more interesting.

 

35.)             There may be another zombie on “The Walking Dead.” Apparently, someone is going to die, but no one knows who.

 

36.)             Tie-dye dresses are unattractive on just about everyone.

 

37.)             “Mad Men,” starring Jon Hamm’s penis, is returning on April 7! Set your DVRs and tune in on HD.

 

So that’s what I learned. I would like to learn more about Jon Hamm’s penis, but I doubt I’ll ever get the chance to meet it in person to ask a few questions. Happy Easter!

  Don’t call Kim Kardashian fat! I’ll tell you what will happen to you if you do once I get to that story in this week’s Us Weekly!

 

1.)                 The Bachelor alum Jason Mesnick and wife Molly had a daughter. Jason famously chose another woman to be his wife before dumping her to marry Molly. But so far, the relationship is a success, which is totally amazeballs since that show isn’t exactly known for resulting in much more than one night stands.

 

2.)                 Fans of “Veronica Mars” have deep pockets. Deep enough to have helped fund a movie version of the hit series.

 

3.)                 It sucks to live with Gwyneth Paltrow. She doesn’t let her husband or kids eat carbs. Meanwhile, she tells Us she almost died after suffering a miscarriage a few years back.

 

4.)                 Olivia Wilde didn’t think her fiancé, SNL star Jason Sudekis, would be interested in her because she isn’t pretty enough.

 

5.)                 For a pro-football player, Tom Brady has surprisingly small pecs.

 

6.)                 Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are back together!

 

7.)                 Lindsay Lohan got off easy once again. She was sentenced to 90 days of rehab, 30 days of community service, and 18 months of therapy for reckless driving. That train wreck should be spending quality time behind bars!

 

8.)                 I regret to inform you that “Bachelor Pad” will be taking a hiatus and won’t air this summer. You’ll have to watch attractive people getting drunk and having orgies over on MTV’s “Real World” instead.

 

9.)                 I guess Us Weekly is a little behind on the John Mayer/Katy Perry story. Us reports they’re not broken up, while People says it’s totes OVER!

 

10.)             Liam Hemsworth’s friends apparently aren’t fans of fiancée Miley Cyrus. They want him to break up with her.

 

11.)             Former Playmate Holly Madison named her kid Rainbow.

 

12.)             Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn decided to turn their relationship into a press event by releasing a joint statement confirming that they are together.

 

13.)             Britney Spears wasn’t heartbroken for long after her breakup with former bodyguard Jason Trawick. She’s moved on to a new guy who works in a law firm.

 

14.)             Steve Carell and his wife Nancy are still going strong after 17 years of marriage. He says he has upgraded his gifts to her from homemade coupons for a free massage to actual spa treatments. Good boy!

 

15.)             COVER STORY: Kim Kardashian, who has never been known as a skinny minnie, doesn’t want people calling her fat just because she’s pregnant and wears inappropriately tight clothing. She wore a black and white dress out and about and bloggers decided to compare her to Shamu. Which is pretty mean. Us Weekly featured an array of Kim pics in different maternity styles, none of which appear to be very maternity-ish, but the mag claims she’s learning how to dress for her condition. I’ll believe it when I see it, but calling the girl a whale is going over the line. At least she’s not stick thin and unhealthy! Meanwhile, Kourtney and Khloe have both lost weight while brother Rob is packing on the pounds. Nothing will happen to you if you call any of them fat, provided you don’t say it to their faces.

 

16.)             Adele’s getting married! She already had the baby, which took her away from the music world indefinitely, so hopefully the pending marriage won’t make her hiatus last even longer!

 

17.)             Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough split because he wasn’t ready to settle down. Personally, I think it’s because he’s sadly still in the closet.

 

18.)             “Teen Mom” star Leah Calvert had yet another baby after giving birth to twins three years ago.

 

19.)             Jennifer Garner is teaching her daughters the art of makeup. For Jennifer, this means lip gloss and little else. Go, girl!

 

20.)             The Real Housewives of Orange County are back. Even Alexis “Jesus Jugs” Bellino who reportedly quit during the off-season, but returned with another God fearing friend for the upcoming season. Should be good stuff.

 

21.)             Speaking of bad TV I have no business watching, I will be tuning in to MTV for the “Real World: Portland” season, which debuts tonight! Since Bachelor Pad is taking a break, I figure I’ll get my drunken debauchery through this show.

 

My sincere apologies for this blog being so late! My husband attempted to recycle this week’s issue before I had the chance to write about it! So he very sweetly dug it out of the recycling can for me. Major props to Mr. Susie!!! Until next week, lovers, which will probably be in two days… Keep on gossipin’!

I don’t know how they did it, but Us Weekly has apparently learned a few private things about the Royal Fetus. I suppose the simplest way would be to simply ask the Royal Fetus directly, so I’m sure that’s what they did. Here are some more secrets I learned by reading Us Weekly:

 

1.)                 Vanessa Lachey admits she suffered from post-partum depression, but Starbucks and OneRepublic helped her overcome it.

 

2.)                 George Lucas announced that Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford have all signed on for the next Star Wars trilogy. I was a little worried that Harry would hold out and it just wouldn’t be the same without him. The dude is 70! Can’t wait to see elder porn with him and Carrie.

 

3.)                 Gwyneth Paltrow admits “I should have worn a bra” to the 2002 Oscars, to which she wore a sheer-ish gown that emphasized her not-so-perky boobs.

 

4.)                 The woman who once netted $12 million per movie is now asking her ex for alimony. She’s proven to be desperate about a lot of things. I’ll let you guess who I’m talking about, but don’t cheat by going out and buying this week’s Us, or you’ll have no reason to continue reading this blog!

 

5.)                 Nicki Minaj was the star of this week’s “What’s in my Bag” feature and I was shocked that her purse isn’t full of morning-after pills and KY jelly.

 

6.)                 Carly Rae Jepsen may have annoyed the universe with “Call Me Maybe,” but she gets major points from me for backing out of headlining the Boy Scouts’ National Scout Jamboree because the scouts are homophobes.

 

7.)                 Matt Damon got his butt spray tanned for his role in the upcoming Liberace biopic and his wife got to watch!

 

8.)                 Jessica Simpson is moving into Ozzy Osbourne’s former home and plans to re-paint the black walls.

 

9.)                 Ugh. Harry Styles of One Direction is going to be recreated in wax for Madame Tussaud’s. The wax museum is really slumming these days. Can’t they wait until a celeb has made more of a mark than becoming an overnight sensation and soon-to-be has-been?

 

10.)             Khloe Kardashian was snapped wearing gartered tights with a skirt that was much too short, showing off the garters. That’s not the way you’re supposed to do it, Khloe. You leave a little to the imagination to be sexy.

 

11.)             Paris Jackson, who is sporting shorter, darker hair, is now a cheerleader for her L.A. high school.

 

12.)             Guys! Zoe Saldana has a sister. And she’s equally hot! Ladies! Justin Long has a brother! And he’s equally awkward-looking.

 

13.)             Liev Schrieber is “just like Us” because he washes himself down. The difference is that he does so by going shirtless and dousing himself with a gallon of water like he belongs in a Diet Pepsi commercial from the ‘90s.

 

14.)             It’s “time to unwind” for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, whatever that means.

 

15.)             Anne Hathaway is not loved by all. She’s been upset by recent comments from Hatha-haters, as she lovingly calls them.

 

16.)             Ali Larter’s son is going through the terrible twos – just as she started to think she had the whole parenting thing under control.

 

17.)             Maggie Gyllenhaal got her 7-year-old daughter a fancy pair of vintage slippers just because the kid was home sick.

 

18.)             If you grew up in the 80s, as I did, you will be pleased or disgusted to know they’re remaking a movie from that era. “Heat” will star Sofia Vergara and Jason Statham.

 

19.)             Sarah Jessica Parker has given up heels! (Except for special occasions, of course.) And it’s all because she now has a deformed foot from wearing stilettos for so many years.

 

20.)             In really, really BAD news, Jon Stewart has announced that he will be taking the entire summer off from taping “The Daily Show.” In better news, Jon Oliver will fill in as host.

 

21.)             Alec Baldwin has announced that his wife will soon be presenting him with another “selfish little pig.” A daughter!

 

22.)             Holy frijoles! Ferris Bueller is 51 freakin’ years old!

 

23.)             Kristin Cavillari claims that “The Hills” producers asked her co-stars to lie about her drug use by plying them with Birkin bags.

 

24.)             Justin Timberlake cleverly took a shot at Kanye West during his live performance of “Suit and Tie” on SNL last weekend. While, I’m no fan of Kanye, I have to agree with his opinion that the song sucks. JT has simply stopped trying. Except when he’s doing “History of Rap” routines with Jimmy Fallon.

 

25.)             Kelly Osbourne apparently had a seizure while taping “Fashion Police” for E! Unfortunately, the seizure won’t be aired.

 

26.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville penned a memoir recently and it’s already been tossed around by movie makers.

 

27.)             Buh-bye, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Lord split ya! Oh, and Brooke Shields’ name has been bandied about as a possible replacement.

 

28.)             COVER STORY: The Royal Fetus has been nicknamed “Grape” by her parents. Kate has been craving chocolate. And Wills spends as much time with her as possible. Secrets revealed! For the record, the Royal Fetus has a Twitter account where more secrets are surely revealed. Follow @RoyalFetus and tell it SusieWorld sent ya! This week’s image is courtesy of that twitter feed!

 

29.)             It’s looking like Miley Cyrus’ engagement to Liam Hemsworth is OFF! He reportedly cheated on her with January Jones.

 

30.)             Wynonna Judd says she will vote for her sister Ashley if Ash decides to run for public office, even though they don’t agree on much politically.

 

31.)             Taylor Swift had her “worst week ever,” according to Us. Wonder how many boys broke up with her.

 

32.)             Okay, the best way to ruin a classic novel is to turn it into a 3-D movie. Which is what they’re doing with “The Great Gatsby.” I was looking forward to this flick, but now I think I’ll pass. Plus, the ladies are all wearing Prada instead of vintage.

 

33.)             If one of them isn’t enough crazy for you, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen end up “clicking” as bed partners in “Scary Movie 5.” Now THAT’S a scary movie!

 

So? Do you feel more informed? Do you feel like you’re practically inside Duchess Kate’s uterus? Do you want to climb into bed with Lindsay Lohan? I hope you’re feeling all this and more!!! Thanks for reading!

So most of what I learned this week is who all the ladies wore to the Oscars. But the cover story was about the (air quotes) virgin (un-air quotes) bachelor being torn between two women. There’s good stuff this week, though, so check it out!

 

1.)                Us Weekly begins the issue by being its usual presumptuous self by claiming to know “what went wrong” between Josh Brolin and Diane Lane, who recently ended their eight-year marriage. But “a pal” says it was simply too much time apart. “It’s not ugly. It’s just over.”

 

2.)                Don’t MESS with Kelly Clarkson! She’s a little POed at Clive Davis, who she says lied about her in his new memoir and in real life made her cry.

 

3.)                Divas will be divas. Even in the delivery room. Beyonce’s mom curled her hair before she gave birth. Snooki wore bronzer and false eyelashes to deliver her son. And Mariah Carey pushed out two oddly-named babies before changing into a wedding gown and renewing her vows.

 

4.)                Boy George recently lost a shit-ton of weight! Go, boy!

 

5.)                66% of Us Weekly readers say Harper Beckham has a better pout than her famous Spice Girl mom, Victoria.

 

6.)                QUOTE OF THE ISSUE: “I’ve been watching shows like ‘I’m Pregnant and Addicted to Meth.’ It definitely makes me feel better if I’m wanting one sip of Diet Coke … I’m like, ‘This woman is on METH.’” –Kim Kardashian

 

7.)                81% of Us Weekly readers agree with me and abhor Anne Hathaway’s Oscar gown.

 

8.)                Kristen Stewart, who annoys the bejeezus out of me, was a gimp at the awards show because she’d stepped on a piece of glass and didn’t want to use crutches. So she looked like an idiot instead. Also, she needs a comb.

 

9.)                The highlight of George Clooney’s post-Oscar “Argo” bash was that everyone wanted to do shots.

 

10.)            The bar was substantially lowered after the Academy Awards, as evidenced by the attendance list at Elton John’s AIDS Foundation party. Britney Spears and all three Kardashians were in attendance. Brit-Brit is sporting darker locks these days and looks good considering who she is.

 

11.)            There was another awards show last weekend. No one cares about the Independent Spirit Awards, though.

 

12.)            Natalie Portman’s Yorkshire terrier must pee a lot. She named him “Whiz.”

 

13.)            Now that they’ve announced she’s preggers, Fergie and Josh Duhamel are “nesting” by remodeling their house. Nothing like the chaos of a remodel followed immediately by the chaos of a newborn.

 

14.)            Dev Patel and Freida Pinto may be skinny, but they do eat.

 

15.)            Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer had a date night! OMG!

 

16.)            Former Bachelorette Emily Maynard is peeved that she was snubbed by Dancing With the Stars.

 

17.)            Andy Samberg put SOMETHING in a box. Apparently it was not his dick, but a ring. He’s engaged to a woman he’s been dating for the last five years. Don’t worry. You’ve never heard of her.

 

18.)            LeAnn Rimes may get her own TV show, much to Brandi Glanville’s chagrin. Rumors have been swirling that LeAnn could be joining her husband’s ex on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I don’t see that happening. LeAnn’s people say she has been approached to do both unscripted and scripted TV.

 

19.)            Christina Applegate quietly got married last month. It was so quiet, only six people were invited.

 

20.)            Jennifer Love Hewitt is not married, or even attached, but she’s gonna have a baby, dammit!

 

21.)            Bethenny Frankel’s ex, Jason Hoppy has friends looking out for him by trying to set him up with dates.

 

22.)            Janet Jackson also quietly got married. Last year. But she tends to quietly get married as a rule.

 

23.)            Uh oh. Lindsay Lohan is in a heap of trouble with a little agency known as the IRS.

 

24.)            Mark your calendars! Justin Timberlake will be hosting SNL on March 9 and will perform with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night that entire week. Love me some JT. And if you have not seen his “History of Rap” videos with Jimmy, get thee on the You Tube and watch them!

 

25.)            Catherine and Lindsay are the two finalists to become the future ex-wife of Bachelor Sean Lowe. Meanwhile, producers are already looking at the cast offs to see who will become the next Bachelorette.

 

26.)            Duchess Kate is starting to show!

 

27.)            And Prince Harry has a new lady.

 

28.)            I’m sad to report that Michelle Williams and Jason Segel have split. Like Josh and Diane, it was mainly because they were too busy leading separate lives to see each other. I liked these two together, so, BUMMER!

 

29.)            The USO doesn’t get the kind of command performances it used to. This year’s special guest was Kellie Pickler, who was on American Idol but didn’t win.

 

30.)            In its parting shot, Us Weekly features the biggest fashion victims in Oscar history. Among them are Cher, Faith Hill, Gwyneth Paltrow, Geena Davis, Whoopi Goldberg, and, of course, Bjork who famously laid an egg in her swan dress on the red carpet. Personally, I’d say she was among the best dressed! Did you SEE some of those gowns last week? Ugh!

 

So that’s it, ladies and germs! Hope you’re as edumacated as I am on the goings-on in Tinseltown. Until next week, I bid you adieu!

I picked up my mail on the way out the door to work and brought my Us Weekly with me to the office. I laughed through the entire commute because this week’s cover story is about Kris Jenner’s mistakes as a mom! The list must be endless, so I hope you’ve got some extra time to read about what I learned this week.

 

1.)                All the ladies are wearing pale pink gowns to red carpet events these days. And they all look good! Not a tacky dress in the bunch!

 

2.)                Lady Gaga’s tour is OFF! She hurt her right hip and had to cancel 21 shows. The injury is from all the dancing she does on stage, which bugs me because isn’t she supposed to be a singer? It’s pretty hard to sing and do all those fancy dance moves without sounding like a panting dog. Not that I’ve tried, but I imagine.

 

3.)                Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, 4, made herself $3,000 a week for appearing in one of her mommy’s movies.

 

4.)                Steve Martin is a first-time dad at the ripe old age of 67.

 

5.)                DIVAS TO THE RESCUE! Jennifer Lopez stopped a Ukranian prankster from screwing up Adele’s acceptance speech at the Grammys, Sofia Vergara monitored a woman’s pulse after the woman collapsed in Vegas, Carrie Underwood rescued a puppy from a busy highway, Kelly Osborne thwarted an attempted car burglary, and Shannen Doherty (I’m a little skeptical about her “diva” status) called 911 after one of her fans threatened to commit suicide.

 

6.)                John Corbett has a hairdresser’s license.

 

7.)                Taylor Swift says she’s not a yeller when it comes to her many breakups. “If something’s done, it’s done. There’s nothing that needs to be said.” So she just sings about it instead.

 

8.)                Bruce Willis says he has never won an Oscar because you don’t win Oscars for comedies or shooting people.

 

9.)                Matt Damon joked that he is going on a “toilet strike” for a water.org sanitation campaign.

 

10.)            Ben Affleck has his very own PUH (personal umbrella handler) – George Clooney. And Justin Timberlake served as PUH for Jay-Z.

 

11.)            Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s romance is “built on a friendship.”

 

12.)            Justin Timberlake put his new bride Jessica Biel through the wringer when they were doing that on-again, off-again dating ritual. But now that they’re wed, he swears he’s not going to do anything to screw things up. I give the relationship three years. But I’m an optimist.

 

13.)            If you’re not sick of Beyonce yet like I am, she’s got a new documentary out. It’s about her, of course.

 

14.)            Jamie-Lynn Sigler is preggers!

 

15.)            “Survivor” alums Jenna Morasca and Ethan Zohn broke up after 10 years of dating.

 

16.)            Maggie Smith says she has never watched an episode of “Downton Abbey.” So we have that in common with each other!

 

17.)            Alec Baldwin has proved that he, not his daughter Ireland, is the pig. He made racist statements that I won’t repeat here about a New York Post cameraman.

 

18.)            Fergie is preggers!

 

19.)            Jessica Simpson has picked out a name for her second kid, due this summer. She says she’s going to name the baby Ace. No word on whether the fetus is a boy or girl, but Jess is a fan of traditionally male monikers for girls. Her 10-month-old daughter is named Maxwell.

 

20.)            Kate Upton, who made the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue two years in a row, is apparently hated by all the other models. Some sources say the others are just jealous, but I believe it’s more likely that Upton is a total bitch.

 

21.)            Mario Lopez’s wife is preggers!

 

22.)            Kardashian “momager” Kris Jenner feels guilty because she doesn’t do enough for her children. But she also admits that everything she does do embarrasses them. Case in point: Kim regrets doing Playboy – a deal that Kris worked out for her. Meanwhile, she says she has no plans to divorce Bruce Jenner, despite all the rumors, and doesn’t feel a lick of shame for letting her two youngest daughters dance the stripper pole on national TV. I could go on and on about all the things I think are wrong about Kris Jenner, but I need to have a life!

 

23.)            Kris’ three oldest daughters (you know, the annoying ones?) have expanded their klothing empire to include plus-size wear. It’s called Kardashian Kurves.

 

24.)            In very sad news, country singer Mindy McCready committed suicide following years of substance abuse. Even worse, she killed her dog before she killed herself.

 

25.)            In “Bachelor” news, Us Weekly reveals “secrets of the final three.” I don’t care about the final three, but the season’s resident bitch, Tierra, is already engaged to another dude!

 

26.)            Oscar Pistorius: First the Olympics, next, PRISON! For allegedly killing his girlfriend. Which is shocking. But what’s more shocking is that Us Weekly is reporting on an actual news event that has nothing to do with celebrities.

 

27.)             In WTF news, Lady Gaga has a mannequin in her dressing room that has pink pubic hair. She specifically requested this.

 

And on that note, I bid you adieu until next week! Sweet dreams of pink pubes!

The Bachelor is a *gasp* VIRGIN! And the whorish ladies trying to find a relationship via reality TV are SHOCKED. Simply SHOCKED. This is much more than I care to know about Bachelor Sean, so let’s get to more important stuff like what else I learned by reading Us Weekly.

 

1.)                Melissa McCarthy is being bullied for her weight when she should actually be praised for her hilarity. And the bully? None other than movie critic Rex Reed, who called her a “female hippo” and “tractor-sized.” Feel free to send him hate mail and tell him I and Us Weekly sent you. Bullying of any kind is simply unacceptable and this asshat shouldn’t be getting paid to do it.

 

2.)                L’il Kim underwent a makeover. Before, she was tacky. Now she just looks like a plastic surgery addict.

 

3.)                Emma Watson, Isla Fisher, and Rachel Bilson all claim they are often mistaken for teenagers. Not something I’d complain about. No one cards me anymore.

 

4.)                Martha Stewart has not one, but TWO iPads.

 

5.)                Duff Goldman of “Ace of Cakes” is my new personal hero. When he heard that an Oregon baker refused to make a wedding cake for a lesbian couple, he offered his services for free!

 

6.)                Miley Cyrus has vowed she will never have long hair again.

 

7.)                Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren admit they stay home and watch a lot of “Dateline.”

 

8.)                Katy Perry wore a really ugly mint green dress to the Grammys. Adele’s floral confection wasn’t much better. And Beyonce in a pantsuit? What gives?? Guess I missed a lot by not watching the awards show.

 

9.)                Speaking of which, Rihanna and Chris Brown made their official re-debut as a couple at the Grammys, which makes me a little ill.

 

10.)            It appears that Nicole Kidman wears lipstick when she swims in the ocean.

 

11.)            It’s shocking, I know, but Giselle Bundchen looks absolutely perfect just two months after giving birth.

 

12.)            Jennifer Aniston has gone platinum blonde for a role. It doesn’t really become her.

 

13.)            Kim and Kanye are still globetrotting. This time it’s Rio.

 

14.)            Josh Duhamel and Fergie just “genuinely like each other.” That’s good, since they’re married and all.

 

15.)            Tobey Macguire and his wife Ruby are apparently good parents. One “source” says they make you actually want to have kids. I would steer clear of these two, lest you become a baby making machine.

 

16.)            Maria Menounos has been in a relationship for 15 years and has no intention of getting married. She added that her dream wedding would be a kegger.

 

17.)            Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Adrienne Maloof says her new boy toy, Rod Stewart’s son Sean, helps keep her mind off her pending divorce. Can anyone say rebound???

 

18.)            Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn are getting serious!

 

19.)            Katy Perry is no longer BFFs with Rihanna because she doesn’t approve of Ri-Ri’s relationship with Chris Brown.

 

20.)            “Multiple witnesses” say Cameron Diaz and Michael Fassbender are totes hooking up!

 

21.)            In TOTALLY AWESOME news, Robin Roberts is set to return to “Good Morning America” after her recent bone marrow transplant.

 

22.)            Christina Applegate has decided to ditch her crappy sitcom “Up All Night” and is instead gearing up for the “Anchorman” sequel.

 

23.)            Helen Mirren died her hair pink. And she totally rocks it!

 

24.)            Nelson Mandella is a fan of “Toddlers and Tiaras.” True story, according to his granddaughters.

 

25.)            So, the “virgin bachelor” is not technically a virgin. Us Weekly contradicts its cover headline by claiming Sean Lowe just stopped having sex until he gets married. Hope he doesn’t mind being married to a desperate slut.

 

26.)            Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are shacking up.

 

27.)            Duchess Kate’s parents picked up the bill to send the royal hotties to an island retreat. No mention of a Babymoon.

 

28.)            The burning questions about the Oscars aren’t very hot, in my humble opinion. Though I am looking forward to seeing my latest crush, Seth MacFarlane, host.

 

29.)            Bruce Willis says moms stop him on the street to say, “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.”

 

30.)            Dustin Hoffman is making his directorial debut and his first challenge is to get Maggie Smith to swear.

 

31.)            According to Us Weekly, Reese Witherspoon’s lips are too thin, Kim Kardashian has a wide nose, Mila Kunis has a round face, Olivia Wilde has wide-set eyes, and Rihanna has a five-head. Suddenly, I feel much more attractive.

 

32.)            Lisa Loeb is finally releasing a new album and she says she left NYC for LA “to get tan.”

 

33.)            Celebs wear some pretty ugly sunglasses.

 

So that’s what I learned this week. Maybe I’d learn more if I actually read all the articles instead of skimming them for the interesting tidbits. But that would make this blog more legitimate and we don’t want THAT! Don’t tell anyone, okay?

The bitch fur is flying between Eddie Cibrian’s ex- and current wives about who cheated first. Current wife LeAnn Rimes is making some not-so-shocking allegations about her cheating spouse’s ex and it’s gettin’ ugly. Keep reading. I’ll get to that later. Meanwhile, here’s the rest of the stuff I learned by reading this week’s Us Weekly:

 

1.)                Lady Gaga is pretty peeved at her ex-assistant, who is suing the meat-wearing songstress for unpaid wages. “She’s a f-ing hood rat who is suing me for money she didn’t earn.” Gaga makes this claim because the assistant refused to unpack all 20 pieces of the singer’s luggage during tours.

 

2.)                Ashley Judd and Dario Franchitti are splitsville.

 

3.)                As it turns out, there’s more than one Teen Mom 2 star who is mental. This may come as a surprise to you, but Kailyn Lowry, 20, admitted she’s bipolar.

 

4.)                It’s good to be Emma Stone. One reason is that she got to pose – in bed – with Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck. Yep. It’s certainly good to be her.

 

5.)                It’s official: Rihanna is back with Chris Brown, the douchebag who beat the hell out of her in 2009. She’s clearly sick of people judging her bad decisions. “Even if it’s a mistake, it’s MY mistake.” Okay, then.

 

6.)                Kim Kardashian is having pregnancy cravings!

 

7.)                Karl Lagerfield and I have something in common. We both disliked Michelle Obama’s new bangs at the inauguration.

 

8.)                Us Weekly readers prefer Kris Jenner to Bethenny Frankel when it comes to their upcoming talk shows. Because what the world needs is more stupidly famous people hosting talk shows.

 

9.)                Selena Gomez claims she’s “a little bit more sassy” since her breakup with the Biebs.

 

10.)            QUOTE OF THE ISSUE – Channing Tatum on his future spawn: “If that thing comes out anything like me as a kid, I’m putting it right back up there.”

 

11.)            Beyonce says her Super Bowl halftime performance is her legacy.

 

12.)            Duchess Kate went to the pharmacy!!!!!

 

13.)            Pregnant Kim Kardashian is starting to show.

 

14.)            Dennis Haskins, best known for his role as Mr. Belding on “Saved by the Bell,” is so desperate for a reunion show, he’s hijacked interviews with former co-stars.

 

15.)            According to Us Weekly, everything about Justin Bieber is borrowed from other stars. His famous locks are credited as being inspired by Donny Osmond.

 

16.)            The “it” pattern for dresses is checks.

 

17.)            Kevin Costner is making movies again.

 

18.)            Michael J. Fox has a new sitcom coming out in which he plays … wait for it … a guy with Parkinson’s.

 

19.)            So John Mayer and Katy Perry are still together. This may be his longest relationship yet!

 

20.)            Tia Mowry has gone vegan.

 

21.)            Howard Stern has a romantic side, according to his wife.

 

22.)            Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are having another baby.

 

23.)            Timothy Busfield and Melissa Gilbert got engaged.

 

24.)            Annoying “magician” Criss Angel is offering a $5,000 reward for the safe return of his teacup Yorkie, Spike, who was dognapped late last month.

 

25.)            Former Real Housewife of New Jersey Dina Manzo has filed for divorce from her douchebag of a husband and he already has a girlfriend.

 

26.)            “Gossip Girl’s” Leighton Meester and Adam Brody, formerly of “The OC,” are secretly dating, but Us Weekly is positively rotten at keeping secrets.

 

27.)            In “I’d like to get into a man sandwich with them” news, Bradley Cooper and Leonardo DiCaprio had a bro weekend in Miami Beach.

 

28.)            Taylor Swift never, ever, ever, ever wants to hang out with Carrie Underwood. Tay-Tay thinks Carrie is always rude to her, so they obviously hate each other.

 

29.)            COVER STORY: LeAnn Rimes says her husband Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife Brandi Glanville (one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) cheated first. Brandi has famously declared that there was a long string of women Eddie cheated on her with, LeAnn among them. But thems fightin’ words and LeAnn is striking back by alleging that Brandi had a long-term affair during her marriage. But Brandi is making the best of a bad situation by writing a tell-all book. And Eddie still looks like a cad.

 

30.)            Meanwhile, the next Beverly Hills housewives showdown, and there are many, will reportedly be between Lisa Vanderpump and Camille Grammer.

 

31.)            Bethenny Frankel may not have made time for her husband, due to her career in reality television, but Us Weekly says she’s already making time for a new boyfriend. Her divorce filing is probably still warm from the printer, so she’s not wasting any time.

 

32.)            Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are “stronger than ever” despite divorce rumors circulating about them. They’ve released a new “inspired” scent together, which probably smells like used condoms.

 

33.)            The best and worst Oscar speeches got a profile in this week’s issue. Among the worst was, “I’m so in love with my brother right now,” the line famously uttered by Angelina Jolie shortly after she practically stuck her tongue down big brother’s mouth on the red carpet. Nasty!

 

34.)            If “America’s Next Top Model” and “Project Runway” aren’t enough for you, there’s a new model search show coming out called “The Face.” Us Weekly profiles the contestants, some of whom will be mentored by Naomi Campbell. Maybe she’ll teach them to catwalk and assault personal assistants AT THE SAME TIME!

 

35.)            Mirrored aviator shades are making a comeback. “I feel the need … the need for speed.”

 

36.)            There are all kinds of fun things you can do to your fingernails! Sarah Hyland likes striped polish, Adele goes with two tones, Anne Hathaway wore pearl accents, and Busy Philipps uses 3-D stickers.

 

37.)            Melissa McCarthy is acting out of character in her new movie. She plays a funny, overweight person.

 

38.)            Season 3 of Downton Abbey is on DVD. I still have yet to see seasons one and two, however.

 

39.)            The new season of Survivor will feature fan favorites versus fans. I wasn’t aware there still were fans of this show.

 

40.)            Kanye West stepped out in Paris looking like one of Michael Jackson’s children back when he was still alive. Kanye was snapped wearing a bright red ski mask with only an eye hole. Creeeeeepy.

 

I learned 40 things this week and now, so have YOU! Congratulations! I have filled your head with so much useless information you’ve probably lost some important stuff that should have stayed in your brain. You’re welcome!

“I’m taking our baby!” is the headline of this week’s Us Weekly. Keep reading to find out whose baby! And whether there is a dingo involved.

 

1.)              In happy marriage news, Us Weekly decided to ask country music couple Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton about divorce. Divorce is NOT an option, but apparently that first year of wedded bliss is a toughie.

 

2.)              Prince Harry has mastered the art of peeing in a helicopter.

 

3.)              Sheryl Crow “probably” knew Lance Armstrong was doping while the pair were still dating, but she didn’t want to throw him under the bus.

 

4.)              Natalie Portman is moving to France.

 

5.)              New mom Claire Danes was afraid of boob leakage at the Golden Globes.

 

6.)              Us Weekly readers prefer Nicole Richie’s hair short. These things MATTER, people!

 

7.)              Kristen Bell has the ultimate in birthing plans (not that she’s preggers yet): “When I arrive at the hospital, I want a glass of whiskey, I want the epidural in my back, and I want to be hit in the face with a baseball bat. And just wake me up when it’s over because I’ve seen the videos – and it looks terrifying.”

 

8.)              QUOTE OF THE WEEK FROM TAYLOR SWIFT from the Obvious News Desk: “I’ve never really had a long relationship … part of me just wants to be alone.” I’m pretty sure that part of her is so well hidden, it’s not aware what a serial monogamist she is.

 

9.)              There are a lot of ladies in pretty gowns at the SAG awards. But there are more ladies in really ugly gowns.

 

10.)          Now that she’s single again, Britney Spears has taken up going to church.

 

11.)          Miley Cyrus vacationed in Costa Rica with BOTH Hemsworth boys. Lucky, lucky!

 

12.)          Super Bowl ads are no longer the surprise they used to be. I’m sure by now you’ve seen all the good ones online. And Us Weekly wants to spoil the surprise, too. Amy Poehler is hawking Best Buy products.

 

13.)          There may be a wedding soon on Glee. But I’m not watching that show anymore because of the Jonathan Coulton drama. They stole his version of “Baby Got Back” without permission, which totally blows!

 

14.)          Celebrity moms don’t mind being seen in public with their spawn.

 

15.)          HARRY STYLES USED AN ATM!

 

16.)          Jennifer Lopez says her boy toy helped her heal after her most recent divorce. Clearly she’s of the mind that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Rebound much?

 

17.)          Michael Buble is going to be a daddy.

 

18.)          John Legend is engaged to a model, but she’s a butterface, in my humble opinion. Comments on Chrissy Teigen are welcome. She bugs!

 

19.)          Nick Offerman (Parks & Recreation) and Megan Mullally actually make a cute couple!

 

20.)          Sara Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick went to an art gallery with their kids. The exhibition was work by his late mother.

 

21.)          Living up to his party boy reputation, Prince Harry, who can pee whilst sitting down in a helicopter, went on a 15-hour bender while on leave from the army. “I have always said, work hard, play hard.” Well done, old chap!

 

22.)          Selena Gomez goes to Bible study, but so does her ex-BF Justin Bieber. God forbid they should actually SEE each other!

 

23.)          Taylor Swift avoided Harry Styles at a music awards show in Cannes.

 

24.)          Cameron Diaz is still welcome to host SNL even though I can’t recall anything she could possibly be promoting right now. Is she a has-been yet?

 

25.)          Nicole Richie’s daughter Harlow wanted a “big girl” party for her fifth birthday, so she got to go with friends to the $5K/night Beverly Hills Hotel.

 

26.)          In baby news, there’s another one named after a place. Reese Witherspoon had Tennessee and now Shakira has Milan, who is a boy for those not in the know.

 

27.)          Jamie-Lynn Sigler is engaged, but her baseball playing fiancé is only in the minor leagues. You’d think she could get a real MLB player!

 

28.)          Chris Brown got in another fight. But that’s not really news, now is it?

 

29.)          The youngest of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids will be 19 on Sunday, but she seems to act more mature than her mother.

 

30.)          JJ Abrams is directing the next installment of the Star Wars franchise. This is good news, assuming JJ is not fond of Jar Jar.

 

31.)          Kourtney and Kim Kardashian plan to force their children to become close.

 

32.)          COVER STORY: So yeah. Jason Hoppy issued his demands in the ugly divorce saga between him and Bethenny Frankel. He wants custody of his daughter, their apartment, and child support. I, for one, hope he gets all of it. Bethenny has become too full of herself.

 

33.)          In other Real Housewives news, Brandi Glanville’s new book, “Drinking and Tweeting” sounds like it could be a page-turner. She talks about her cheating husband, his current wife LeAnn Rimes, and, as Us Weekly puts it, PAYBACK. Sweet! Plus, I love the title.

 

34.)          Us Weekly wants me to learn all about The Bachelor. But I don’t wanna!

 

35.)          FINALLY! A post-baby weight loss story most women can relate to. Some celebs actually have trouble taking off the baby weight and say that whole thing about breast feeding burning calories is a load of … hogwash.

 

36.)          THE LIP SYNC SCANDAL THAT ROCKED AMERICA! Who the f*** cares??? I’d rather sing to a flawless recording than sing live and totally screw up. I mean, the whole world was watching the inauguration! Whitney Houston’s famous rendition of the National Anthem was also lip synced, as was Madonna’s performance at last year’s Super Bowl. Even Bruce Springsteen had some ‘splaining to do when his band pre-recorded their tracks for the 2009 Super Bowl. I’m guessing Beyonce will lip sync again on Sunday. I’m sorry, but with all the dancing these people do, it’s impossible to sing live, too.

 

37.)          My husband wrote “I love U” in the dust on our TV, but Us Weekly reports that celebs show their love in a bigger fashion. Ben Affleck says it with roses, Kanye West splurges on expensive cars, and Ellen Degeneres goes on vacation with her honey.

 

38.)          If you don’t want to spend your hard-earned cash on flowers, cars, or trips, maybe you would consider getting a Kate Spade bra and panty set for the lovely lady in your life. The undies are only $58 (compared to the $138 bra)!

 

39.)          Gillette wants to know “Is stubble killing the kiss?” You can swipe your cell phone over the ad and tell Us Weekly (and Gillette, I assume) what you think. Personally, I find stubble HOT, which is a good thing, since Mr. Susie gets a 5 o’clock shadow promptly at 5 o’clock.

 

40.)          Us Weekly wants to teach the ladies how to look “natural” by piling a bunch of makeup on.

 

Well, I started this blog on Friday and finished it today. Beyonce didn’t lip sync and my sweet Niners lost to the Ravens. I’m signing off depressed and hungover. Those rally shots I drank yesterday didn’t do a damn bit of good.