Psychos with axes scare Shelley Duvall.
Cookie Monster scares Shelley Duvall.
The end of 'Friends' scares Shelley Duvall.
Maru is safe! Millions breathe sighs of relief.
Maru is safely ensconced in his earthquake-safe box.
Thousands are dead and thousands more missing in Japan following last week’s tragic earthquake and resulting tsunami, but America cares about one thing and one thing only – Maru, the Scottish fold.
Maru’s owner responded to hundreds of letters from concerned citizens about the fate of the fat cat who loves a good box or paper bag to hilariously hop into.
The prayers of many were answered with the simple phrase, “Maru is safe.”
I, for one, no longer feel the urgent need to donate to the Red Cross knowing that Japan’s most important resident is alive and well. But I will anyway.
Days of the Week Personified
NOTE: The days of the week are all women because each one can be a BITCH!
Monday is the baby of the bunch. Nobody likes her, but she always seems to be where she’s not wanted. Her greatest desire is to be like her sister Friday, which will never happen.
Tuesday is the introverted one. She’s usually hanging out by herself in the library. She’s not annoying like Monday. In fact, many people like her for the very reason that she isn’t Monday. But for the most part, she gets ignored.
Wednesday has middle child syndrome. She craves attention, but goes about getting it the wrong way. She’s the family slut. She has slept with everyone from January to December. That’s why they call her “Hump Day.”
Thursday is really close in age to Friday. They look alike, too. College kids often confuse Thursday for Friday by going out to bars and getting wasted on a school night. Thursday doesn’t care.
Friday never grew up. She’s the third oldest of the seven, but will forever be 21. Friday is the life of the party.
Saturday wised up. She’s the efficient soccer and gets every item on her to-do list. The kids come first for Saturday. She does like to have fun once in a while – usually when she’s hanging out with Friday.
Sunday, the oldest, is actually a set of twins. One is pious and goes to church every chance she gets. The other prefers to drink beer, gamble and watch football. They DON’T get along.
Addendum to “Stupid Sh!t for Sale”
I saw a commercial last night for a $50 gold buffalo tribute “proof,” whatever that is. It’s a flippin’ COIN. Probably made for flippin’ – before the Super Bowl or something. But there was a threat at the end of the ad that cracked me up since I’d just written about crap being sold as not being crap.
Here was the pitch:
“AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT AND FUTURE REGRET! CALL NOW.” Please be aware, shoppers, that you are limited to a maximum of five (5) proofs. If commercials are going with the guilt trip sales pitch, I think I have a mother who could make a fortune writing TV advertisements.
Stupid Sh!t for Sale!
The Glow-in-the-Dark Spirit Warrior Plate Set (not glowing).
I thank the good Lord every day for websites like Regretsy. The site where you can buy crap handmade by people who have no idea its absolute crap!
The Glow-in-the-Dark Spirit Warrior Plate Set (not glowing).
But even better are places like the Bradford Exchange, where you can find canvas tennis shoes bedazzled with photos of Elvis at all stages of life, sans slumped dead on the toilet with a peanut butter and banana sandwich hanging from his jowls. The name “Elvis” is also bedazzled on the shoes in imitation Swarovski crystals. The BONUS is the awesome sparkly charm on the laces in the form of a lightning bolt and the initials TCB. I don’t know what TCB stands for, which could perhaps be explained by the fact that 1) I’m not an Elvis fan, and 2) I make fun of the Bradford Exchange.
These shoes are being marketed by the Bradford Exchange (hereinafter B.E.) as “First-of-a-Kind Fashion Footwear.” Yep. I’m sold. I like to be the first of my kind to look like an idiot. If only they came in platforms.
I find that gems like the Elvis shoes are best found in TV Guide Magazine. Not only does B.E. have full-page ads for ridiculous shit no one should waste their hard-earned money one, but they also pull out all the stops by including tear-out cardboard order forms for priceless pieces of jewelry and other useless knick-knacks. I could either renew my subscription or buy some dust-gathering snow globe featuring the annoying…er…artistic work of Thomas Kinkade, painter of light.
Two pages after the full-page Elvis shoe ad is another full-page ad for M&M salt and pepper shakers. Personally, I’d like to see any and all M&M figurines melt in my hand. I would wind up with a feeling of ultimate power – being able to finally make an M&M melt in my hand, not in my mouth.
I recently learned that Prince William of Wales and his bride-to-be, Kate Middleton, have asked for all gifts to be donations to charity. But how are they going to get the entire set of commemorative plates bearing their likenesses? Don’t get me started on the coins, which had probably been minted as many as five years ago in anticipation of England getting Princess Diana II, sans the scandals.
Now, for a mere $119, lucky women throughout Wisconsin can purchase the Green Bay Packers Super Bowl Champions charm bracelet. Less lucky women might be able to purchase a Cubic Zirconium encrusted replica of Brett Favre’s penis.
B.E. markets itself as having products of “Innovation, Artistry and Design of Enduring Value.” Yet not ONCE have I seen someone try to get an estimate for one of these priceless tchotchkes on Antiques Roadshow. Not so enduring NOW, are you, B.E.???
Perhaps the greatest of all items I’ve ever seen (Seriously! EVER!!!) is the glow-in-the-dark set of Native American “Spirit Warrior” plates that you can hang on your wall in a setting dripping with feathers likely from whatever bird B.E. sells in taxidermy-stuffed form. I’m sorry, but if you have children, these glowing plates are only going to confirm to them that ghosts are real and there’s a good chance your house was built on a Native American burial site.
If you’re not cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, you might be cuckoo for the cuckoo clocks offered. They run the gamut from Disney Princess to Harley Davidson. How adorable would it be to have a motorcycle pop out of your clock every hour with a Hell’s Angel on top threatening your life if you forget to adjust for Daylight Savings time. Obviously, there are several versions of the Elvis cuckoo clock, but the only other celebrity amazing enough to warrant popping out of a clock every hour on the hour is John Wayne, pilgrim.
The only must-have item NOT available on B.E.’s website is the classically tragic Three Wolves tee. For that, you need to go to Amazon.com. And be sure to read the reviews before buying! Not only will you learn whether or not you’ve decided on a good purchase, but you will also discover why this shirt has its own page on Wikipedia.
While the Bradford Exchange is ideal for the person in your life who has everything and whom you also happen to despise, Regretsy really is the go-to place to support budding talentless artists. Plus, it makes no claims of “designs of enduring value” when a stop at your local flea market might be more lucrative.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to www.bradfordexchange.com to purchase the first of what I hope will be many John Deere belt buckles. I can only get one at a time, at $40 a pop, so I’d best get shopping.
susieworld 