susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

The Pissy Blog 10/15/2011

Filed under: My Life — SusieWorld @ 6:15 am

Oh, I am in a MOOD!  Which is interesting because I never seem to be able to reflect my moods through my online self.  I can be weeping uncontrollably, but still manage to post something light-hearted on Facebook.  Hell, I can’t even seem to BLOG in any way other than happy.  Today, I plan to change that.

 

Because I’m not happy right now.  I should be positively jubilant because I got an amazing volunteeer job as the social media coordinator for a local non-profit.  If I can help someone with 140 characters or fewer, it pays off in dividends that surpass any amount of money.  Technically, I am jubilant about this new opportunity.  But my glee is at war with my PMS and PMS is winning.

 

I woke up feeling the highest of highs. I was getting ready for the interview with Vision Literacy – which, by the way, you need to “like” on Facebook and follow on Twitter (@visionliteracy) – and feeling so confident that I’d charm the pants off of them that any sense of stress, worry or insecurity flew straight out the window.  Then I came home with a new job and ideas brimming and was still happy.  Then … I just stopped being happy.  Then everything suddenly seemed rotten.

 

I consider myself a “tortured artist.”  Really, what talented professional is really good at what they do without being really messed up in one way or another?  I fall into the “totally mental” category.  Full disclosure?  I’m hypo-manic-depressive.  It sounds bad, but it’s actually bi-polar lite.  And I’ve learned to live with the diagnosis, but I’m still learning to live with the effects it has on my daily life.  Like how I can go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in a matter of hours.  Sometimes even minutes.

 

Today’s issue: I’m uncomfortable.  Yeah – first world pain.  I know.  Poor me.  But what sounds petty and minor somehow becomes overwhelming and major in my head.  And when I’m in this state, it’s really hard to get out of my head.  Rationalizing doesn’t work until the mood goes away.  I can’t find any perspective.  Right now, the fact that people are dying of AIDS by the thousands in Africa doesn’t even hold a candle to the fact that I’m uncomfortable.  How sad is that??  I am “forced” to telecommute for my jobs and therefore work primarily from the relative “comfort” of my living room couch.  And right now, I HATE THAT!  Sitting around all day is just awful.

 

Here was my thought process earlier tonight:

I can’t get comfortable.
My butt hurts.
My back hurts.
I’m bored.
I’m swamped.
I need to get out of the house.
I can’t wait to get home.
I’m exhausted.
I’m wide awake.
I want to go to bed.
I don’t want to stay in bed.
I want to smoke.
But why did I just light this cigarette?
I want to have a drink.
But this drink doesn’t taste good to me right now.
I could go on forever.
Or not.

 

I hope I’m not alone.  I feel like I am.  I know millions of people suffer depression and anxiety like I do, but I feel like I’m the only one who suffers from it in my own particular way.  Which is a scary thought.

 

And now you know way more about me than you ever wanted to know.  I hope you still respect me in the morning.  Because add my insomnia to all this and I’ll be seeing the morning soon enough and your respect is important to me.

 

Why I wish I lived on Sesame Street

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 3:02 am

Seriously, who wouldn't want to hang out with these characters?

I grew up watching Sesame Street.  It debuted on my older brother’s first birthday in 1969 and I started watching it before I can even remember.  I grew up in Central California suburbia.  My childhood couldn’t have been much better.  But here’s why I’d rather have been born and raised on Sesame Street.

 

1.)  It’s the coolest inner-city barrio on the planet!  Despite it’s muppety cuteness, Sesame Street isn’t in the nicest of neighborhoods, yet no one ever gets mugged, raped or murdered.

 

2.)  I support its “gay agenda.”  Okay, there’s no such thing as a gay agenda.  But Ernie and Bert are the Odd Couple of the muppet set.  I enjoy pigeons and bottlecaps, and, on the rarest of occasions, I have been unable to hear because I had a banana in my ear.

 

3.)  How flippin’ cool would it be to buy a 40-oz. and a pack of smokes at Hooper’s Store?

 

4.)  One word. SNUFFLEUPPAGUS!

 

5.)  Gordon and Susan.  These two people have to be the nicest, sweetest, most CONDESCENDING …. no wait.  They’re just nice and sweet.  Plus, Gordon is a chrome dome.  I always remember wondering if I could see my reflection in that shiny head of his.

 

6.)  I do, in fact, know how to get there.  Well, I could at least fly to NYC and locate Sesame Street Studios and/or the Muppet Workshop. I also know the way to San Jose, but I digress.  I’d say that’s pretty good for a girl who completely lacks any semblance of a sense of direction.

 

7.)  I could meet that handsome devil behind the voice and muppeteering of Elmo.  I would like to toss Elmo in front of a truck, but his muppeteer is really hot!

 

8.)  I could go out in the field with Kermit for Sesame Street News.  I’ll never forget his interview with Peter Piper’s family: “All the Pipers pick pickled peppers, but Peter gets all the publicity.”

 

9.)  I’d demand a tour of Oscar’s trash can.  We all know he’s got a pool in there, though who knows if it has ever been cleaned.  I know I’d get Oscar to do my bidding because I can be quite the grouch when I want to me, as my brother will attest.  I bet Oscar would actually LIKE ME.  Maybe together, we could preach the benefits of anti-depressants.

 

10.)  The SPONSORSHIPS!  The entire alphabet, plus the numbers 1-12!  Think of the ad revenue!

 

Jobs, jobs, jobs! 10/14/2011

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 6:53 pm

Only five jobs?? What's the matter with you, ya lazy bum!

No, I’m not referring to the passing of Apple founder Steve Jobs.

Nor is it about the unemployment rates in the U.S.

It’s about me.  ALL ABOUT ME!!!!! Mwahahahahahaha!

They say when it rains it pours.  This is usually a negative thing, but since I like the rain, I consider this onslaught a positive thing.  Of course it’s positive because I may soon be the proud holder of as many as five jobs!  The Jamaicans from In Living Color would be so proud.

At 1:00 today, I’m interviewing for a volunteer position as the social media director for Vision Literacy, a San Jose-area non-profit designed to help adults learn to read.  I am really excited about this.  Not only will I be able to experience the joy of being able to help people, but I will also gain invaluable knowledge for a potential future career in social media.  Of course, this is all assuming they hire me.  I will know in a few short hours.

I am waiting for a response to my application and writing submissions to a South Bay magazine for the arts.  I am in the running to be their calendar editor and would publish event details and briefs on the local arts scene for the bi-monthly mag.  I know I’m capable of enjoying this one.  It has the potential to open up my eyes to all the talent San Jose has to offer and I would again be learning new skills to add to my resume for future employment as a journalist.  $350 per issue is nothing to sneeze at either, considering what a part-time job this would be.

Finally, I heard back today from Courthouse News, a nationwide reporting service covering federal courts across the country.  If hired, I would cover the U.S. District Court in San Jose by paying a daily visit to the court to look up new civil court filings and turn pages-long legal-ese into a few sentences of plain ol’ English.  Occasionally, I’d be able to cover high-profile trials and conduct interviews and the pay is pretty good.  They’re even offering $200 a month toward my health insurance and would pay a portion of my internet and cell phone bills.

If I can add these three to the two writing jobs I already have, I think I might actually pull in a decent living.

So keep your fingers crossed for me, people.  I’m in a rut I’m dying to get out of, so this stuff would certainly help.  And it would be nice to be able to put some of MY money into the family coffers again.

 

Where’s the on-off switch?

Filed under: My Life — SusieWorld @ 6:24 am

Microsoft needs to develop one of these for people's brains. Get on that, Gates!

     It’s only 11 p.m., but by the time I finish spewing my thoughts on insomnia, it will probably be considerably later.
     Tomorrow is a big day.  I have a job interview for a local non-profit to become their volunteer social media director.  I really want this gig.  I don’t care if there’s no money in it.  I want to help people and gain valuable job experience in the process.  It’s not until 1 p.m., though, so I have hours to stay awake and still get a decent “night’s” sleep.  But I want to train my brain to shut down before midnight for a change.
     There is also another opportunity for my “paying” job tomorrow at 10 a.m.  There will be a D.A. press conference on a major case that made national news when it happened a few years back.  I really want to go to this thing.  I miss going to press conferences.  I haven’t been to any since I started reporting again because, well, I’m not even paid enough money to cover the gas to get to the Civic Center.  But this one is a big one and I want in on the action.  I really want to get back into the whole shebang when it comes to Journalism Career 2.0.
     So sleep would be the most viable option for me right now, but instead of hitting the sheets, I’m up blogging about my personal life.
     I truly wish there were an on-off switch for my brain.  Apparently there used to be one, since sleep once came easy to me.  Now I envision myself lying in bed and staring at the ceiling while my husband and dog play tag-team snoring games with each other from either side of me.
     Actually, that is probably the worst part.  Being in the same room with people (and dogs!) who can fall asleep within minutes of their heads hitting their pillows.  I have pillow envy.  Self-diagnosis!  Problem solved!  No?  Problem averted?  No.  I’m still awake.
 

The Meaning of Meals 10/13/2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — SusieWorld @ 5:46 pm

When he asks her out for…                   It means….

Lunch                                                      I might want to sleep with you.

Dinner                                                     I want to sleep with you.

Drinks                                                     I want to sleep with you with no strings attached.

Coffee                                                      I want to sleep with you…in about an hour.

Breakfast                                                 I’ve already slept with you.

High Tea                                                  I’m gay and I don’t want to sleep with you.

 

 

When she accepts…                              It means….

Lunch                                                      I might consider having dinner with you.

Dinner                                                     I might consider sleeping with you.

Drinks                                                     I think I’m gonna go for it!

Coffee                                                      Let’s talk! About everything!

Breakfast                                                 I want to be like this…with you…forever.

High Tea                                                  At least somebody good-looking is taking me out.

 

The Perfect Day

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 5:25 pm

THE PERFECT DAY

(Blatantly stolen from an early ’90s era Glamour magazine)

SHE:

HE:

8:45 a.m.   Wake up   thin.

 10:00 a.m.  Wake up.
8:50 a.m.   Hugs   and kisses.

10:02 a.m.  Oral sex.

9:30 a.m.   Light   breakfast.

 10:45 a.m.  Big breakfast.

11:00 a.m.  Sunbathe.

11:30 a.m.  Drive up coast in Ferrari Testarosa with outrageous blonde.

12:00 p.m.  Lunch with best friend at outdoor café.

2:15 p.m.  Enormous lunch

1:30 p.m.  Shopping.

3:00 p.m.  Oral sex in the sand.

1:45 p.m.  Run into boyfriend’s ex. Notice she’s gained 30 pounds.

3:30 p.m. Sports with the guys.
3:00 p.m.  Facial massage and nap.

3:31 p.m.  Drink beer.

7:30 p.m.  Candlelit dinner a deux and dancing.

4:30 p.m.  Hang out with guys at the bar.

10:00 p.m.  Make love.

5:30 p.m.  Meet Angelina Jolie and get her number.

11:00 p.m.  Pillow talk in his big, strong arms.

5:45 p.m.  Oral sex.

—

8:00 p.m.  Huge dinner. More beer.

—

11:00 p.m.  Full-on, get-down gorilla sex.
 

Laughter v. Medicine

Filed under: My Life,Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 3:41 am

OMG! Did you hear the latest poop?

I spent a good chunk of my evening talking on the phone with a good friend from a completely different state.  I’ll call her “Nancy,” because, well, that’s her name.

Anyway… I am in California, she is in Tennessee.  I am a bleeding heart liberal, she is a pro-life southerner.  But none of that matters because we make each other laugh.

She was feeling a little under the weather today, which is why I called.  But once we hung up – after at least 45 minutes of guffaws and conversation – she said she felt better.  She was up and making dinner, then promptly on Facebook to reply to my mid-call post on Facebook.

I’ve determined that laughter and friendship can take care of my basic needs.  I could even live without food — yes, even bacon — for hours at a time if I’m given the opportunity to enjoy the company or conversation of a friend.  Should I have a conversation that lasts more than four hours, however, I will need to consult a doctor.

Love your friends.  Be there for them.  Giving is better than getting.

But in all seriousness, getting feels pretty freaking good, too.

 

20 things I learned by reading Us Weekly 10/11/2011

Filed under: Celebrity B.S. — SusieWorld @ 9:59 am

HELP ME! I'm reading too much Us Weekly!! Oh - and no one cares about Britney Spears anymore.

1.)  Most of the stories aren’t really stories at all.  They’re just really long captions for all the pretty pictures of people I don’t care about.

2.)  Reality TV “stars” get WAY too much press.  Do I really need to know who Snooki “smooshed” last week?  Or how those teen moms are doing?  The Real Housewives need MORE press though because I love them.  The best thing about Real Housewives is that they’re not really real at all.

3.)  Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries renewed their wedding vows.  Didn’t they just get married a few weeks ago?  I’m thinking they didn’t get all the presents on their insane gift registries, so they’re going for Round Two.  Who wants to get ol’ Kimmie a $6,000 silver spoon?  And why does she need one when she was born with one in her mouth?  I also find it disturbing that she married a man who shares his name with her momager.  Also, Kris (the husband, not the momager) was overheard telling someone he wants to have 20 kids.  20 kids who wind up monstrously tall with big asses.

4.)  Actual reporting is no longer necessary with the advent of social media and normal people acting as paparazzi.  I now know that Ashton and Demi are breaking up based solely on whether or not they tweeted each other a happy anniversary.  Even more important, Demi “unfollowed” Ashton for a short time.  Oh, and she’s trying too hard to be sexy because she’s paranoid over their age difference.  This, according to “a source close to the couple.”

5.)  Ryan Gosling doesn’t think he’s attractive, but people think he is because he plays lead roles in romantic films.

6.)  Two people I’ve never heard of got married in some amazing location in Napa and spent enough money on the ceremony to buy me two houses.

7.)  Celebrities often wear the same dress as other celebrities and it’s up to 100 people in Times Square to determine who looked better.  Those 100 people are almost always wrong.

8.)  There’s trouble with the latest Bachelor or Bachelorette.  He or she hasn’t married the person they chose to spend the rest of their life with after spending a few short hours alone with said companion while making out and/or sleeping with other contestants.

9.)  Beyonce is still pregnant.  Oh!  And look how cute she looks in maternity clothes even though she’s not showing yet!

10.)  Celebrities’ kids have play dates together.  All the frigging time.

11.)  I can learn 25 things I didn’t know about someone I don’t like.  I can also find out what celebrity women carry in their gigantic $10,000 handbags.

12.)  In happy news, Idris Elba may be in consideration to play the next James Bond.  A black Bond?  Love it!

13.)  Unlike Beyonce, some celebrities have already had their babies.  And they take those babies out in public.  And we see pictures of them.  Oh – and Suri Cruise wears makeup and high heels at the age of 5.

14.)  Heidi Klum and Seal are happily married.  And they’re not afraid to talk about it.

15.)  Kristen “K-Stew” Stewart knows how to ride a horse.

16.)  Celebrities go to the grocery store just like the rest of us!

17.)  Drew Barrymore wants to get married.  She’s “Ready for a Wedding” even though she hasn’t gotten engaged.  But in sad news, Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio broke up after a minutes-long relationship.

18.)  Mariah Carey likes cupcakes.  She also once had a life-size ice sculpture of herself for a birthday party for herself that she hosted herself.

19.)  Prince William and Kate do amazing things for charity, but who cares about that when we can talk about Pippa??

20.)  Alexis Stewart really hates her mom, Martha.  She hates her so much, she wrote a scathing book about growing up with the future federal prisoner.  Martha knows her  daughter hates her and she doesn’t care.

 

The most amazing thing about all the stuff that I’ve learned from Us Weekly is that I learned it all in one single issue.  Can’t wait for next week’s!

 

The new Brat Pack

Filed under: Uncategorized — SusieWorld @ 6:26 am

Are these guys even replaceable? I gave it the ol' college try!

As a child/teen of the ’80s, I’ve found that movies like the John Waters classics from my favorite decade just don’t exist anymore.  There simply isn’t a group of young 20-something actors worthy of carrying on the title of Brat Packer.

 

So, because I’m obnoxious, I’ve decided to take a few ’80s classic Brat Pack films and recast them with today’s actors.  There will be repeat casting, just as there was in the ’80s.  And the more annoying the actor, the better.  So, without further ado….

 

THE BREAKFAST CLUB:
THE JOCK:  Taylor Lautner – because he’s got some killer abs.
THE BRAIN:  Justin Bieber – because he’s a twerp.
THE CRIMINAL:  Robert Pattinson – because he’s all dark and broody.
THE PRINCESS:  Blake Lively – because she pulls off the snotty rich bitch really well on Gossip Girl.
THE FREAK:  Taylor Momsen – because the girl is a total train wreck in real life.

 

THE OUTSIDERS:
PONYBOY:  Nick Jonas – because he’s the youngest of three brothers.
JOHNNY:  Jaden Smith – because we need some people of color in this movie, dammit!
DALLAS:  Shia LaBeouf – I don’t know. The role sort of suits his badass persona.
SODAPOP:  Zac Efron – because he kind of reminds me of a young Rob Lowe.
DARREL:  George Clooney – because didn’t Patrick Swayze seem kind of ancient compared to the rest of those cute kids?
CHERRY:  Emma Stone – because she has red hair. I really like her as an actress, so she doesn’t really fit my “obnoxious” requirement, but who cares?

 

PRETTY IN PINK:
ANDIE:  Rebecca Black – because, I don’t know, she made her own “hit” single, so maybe her character could make her own “hit” clothes.
DUCKIE:  Justin Bieber – because who could resist this annoying little moppet with his hair in a giant pompadour?
BLAINE:  Chace Crawford – because I can see him waffling back and forth between being a sweetheart and a total douche.
STEFF:  Robert Pattinson – again, because he’s dark and brooding.

 

ST. ELMO’S FIRE:
KIRBY:  Daniel Radcliffe – because, assuming he can pull off an American accent, he’d do okay playing the dullest and most forgettable of all the characters in this movie.
BILLY:  Kenny G – because he may not fit the age group, but he plays the sax in the most annoying way possible and thinks he’s better than he really is.
KEVIN:  Justin Bieber – because his friends believed the character of Kevin was secretly gay. Kevin was another forgettable character and I hope one day Biebs will be forgotten, too.
JULES:  Ali Lohan – because Linsday is her sister, so you know she knows how to play a troubled alcoholic.
ALEC:  Shia LaBeof – because, I don’t know. I couldn’t think of anyone else for this role.
LESLIE:  Kendall Jenner – because she may not technically be a Kardashian, but we’re still supposed to keep up with her. Leslie was one of those types you had to keep up with, only not as horribly as the Ks.
WENDY:  Miley Cyrus – because the character of Wendy was so soft-spoken, it would be nice to watch a film in which Miley has to shut the hell up.

 

YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF PART ONE OF MY MULTI-PART MINIBLOG ON TODAY’S ACTORS IN YESTERDAY’S MOVIES. 

FIN.

 

As seen on TV 10/07/2011

Filed under: Shopping,Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 5:29 pm

I think I need to drop BEFORE I start to shop. It's safer.

My husband has been saying for years that I am an advertiser’s dream.  He’s right.  I just watched the season premiere of “Glee” (I have a DVR) and suddenly wanted spaghetti after seeing a plate of it dumped on the wheelchair kid’s head.

That is sad, but mostly frightening. Mainly because we didn’t have any microwavable pasta products in the house and my domestic goddess skills are sorely lacking, so I had no intention of cooking up a batch of pasta at 9 p.m.

This got me to thinking about all those “As Seen on TV” products and the evil “As Seen on TV” store in my local mall.  It’s always my last stop after I’ve done all my Christmas shopping because I know I’ll be able to find some messed-up gift for someone to whom it would be completely inappropriate to give.

If I had the money, everyone on my gift list would be guaranteed a Shake Weight for Christmas.  There’s something innately hilarious about the idea of my mother-in-law using it and not knowing how completely phallic it is.

I’m an impulse shopper.  I’m the worst about it, really.  It costs me dearly in money I have no business spending, but it’s so worth it!!

My need to instantly NEED something I’ve seen on TV is one of my most dangerous characteristics.  It often involves food – suddenly I want a Cinnabon and I don’t even LIKE cinnamon rolls.

Thankfully, I don’t feel any need to watch QVC, or I’d be in real trouble.

Now I need to surf the internet because I just saw a picture of Katie Holmes in Us Weekly with a shopping bag in hand.  As my friend Alanna once said, “You spend money like you have it!”