susieworld

At last! Some GOOD news!

A teen mom is NOT PREGNANT and is hurt by the lies. Said lies were printed in In Touch, with the headline “I’m Pregnant!”  This is what I learned before I even opened this week’s issue of Us Weekly.

1.)               What may be considered to be good news to the general public is sad news for Khloe Kardashian. She’s and her husband Lamar Odom are having fertility problems and in true Kardashian fashion, she’s opening up about her struggles via the tabloids.

2.)               Brit and Mitt apparently have something in common. Besides being horrible, horrible people. They each have car elevators in their homes!

3.)               Amber Portwood, the sadly unattractive Teen Mom not on the cover of this week’s issue, is in jail and will remain there for 5 years. She actually chose jail over recovery treatment for her drug addiction, proving she’s still as stupid as she was when she got knocked up in high school.

4.)               Denise Richards put the kibosh on rumors that she is getting back together with Charlie Sheen. “I’m way to old for him … he likes 20-year-olds.”

5.)               Justin Bieber is a romantic, according to his girlfriend Selena Gomez. He rented out theStaplesCenterfor a private screening of Titanic. Nothing says romance like star-crossed lovers and death. Meanwhile, little Justin has also released a new fragrance called “Girlfriend.” It smells eerily like desperation.

6.)               So Kanye and Kim Kardashian are still together. She bought him a $750,000 Lamborghini for his 35^th birthday.

7.)               Sarah Michelle Gellar is “just like Us” because she buys diapers in bulk. Jennifer Lawrence is “just like Us” because she used a flippin’ ATM!

8.)               True Blood’s Joe Manganiello is really, really sexy with his shirt off.

9.)               If you don’t have any semblance of self-preservation, you can purchase an Us Weekly Collectors Edition magazine all about One Direction, the boy band that should consider that direction to be AWAY.

10.)          Stars own dogs!

11.)          If you pick up this week’s issue, you can see pictures of stars wearing the American Flag on various items of clothing, including Sir Paul McCartney, who was photographed wearing really fugly flag sandals.

12.)          Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston touredEuropewhere Jen broke a strict restaurant dress code by wearing a minidress.

13.)          Portia de Rossi chopped off her long locks and now more closely resembles her wife, Ellen Degeneres. I didn’t know there was a rule that all lesbians have to have short hair.

14.)          In couples news, Revenge co-stars Emily VanCamp and Josh Bowman are happy because “he dotes on her,” while Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas, co-stars on Once Upon a Time, have a “fairy tale romance.” How cleverly put, Us Weekly!

15.)          David Arquette did the filing in his divorce from Courteney Cox. Seems like the sane person in the relationship should do the filing, but I digress.

16.)          Giuliana and Bill are having a boy. Or rather their surrogate is having a boy.

17.)          Lindsay Lohan blames work for the “exhaustion” that led to her being found unconscious in an LA hotel room. Is she really that employable?

18.)          In casting news, Rob Lowe may star as Liberace’s plastic surgeon in the HBO movie “Behind the Candelabra.” Nice title, HBO.

19.)          Real Housewives of New Jersey sisters Caroline and Dina Manzo are speaking again! Much to the chagrin of Teresa Giudice, who allegedly fueled the feud flames.

20.)          Former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky got the brush-off from Rob Kardashian after she was spotted shamelessly flirting with him in Vegas. At least one Kardashian knows how to avoid drama.

21.)          Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, who played boyfriend and girlfriend on That 70s Show, are dating, but not “official.” Apparently, “they’ve been hot for each other for years.” But I guess dating and screwing don’t qualify as being “official.”

22.)          As previously reported, Teen Mom CatelynnLowelldenies rumors that she’s preggers again. I guess getting knocked up at 16 makes you rethink your choices. I don’t know how the pregnancy rumors started, since the former chubster just dropped 20 pounds. Meanwhile, her 3-year-old daughter is thriving with her adoptive parents.

23.)          Rihanna is still asking for a beating. The moronic singer is still seeing her ex, Chris Brown, who famously beat her up in 2009. But she’s also flirting with Drake, a rapper who is vying for her affections. The love triangle resulted in a bloody throwdown between Drake and Brown at an NYC club. At least the boys were beating on each other and not a woman for a change.

24.)          Jack Osbourne has been diagnosed with MS, but vows not to let the disease beat him. Usually people don’t have a choice in the matter, but I wish him well.

25.)          “For Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi and Jionny LaValle, prepping for baby means ignoring hates, shopping for blingy infant dudes, and having fun in bed.” MY EYES!

26.)          Tom Cruise is apparently no longer that crazy couch-jumping man he was a few years ago. According to Us Weekly, everyone loves the batshit crazy Scientologist.

27.)          Wynonna Judd got married and didn’t invite her mom Naomi or her sister Ashley.

28.)          I have clearly reached “cougar” age, as the “Hot Guys of Summer, stars of ABC Family shows, are all half my age.

29.)          Seafoam is the new black.

30.)          Us Weekly recommends reading actual BOOKS.

31.)          Olivia Munn can take a computer apart and put it back together.

32.)          In a feature that’s close to my heart, Us Weekly teaches us how to pronounce celebrity names with weird spellings. I’m a stickler for pronunciation, so I’m loving this.

33.)          Jennifer Aniston actually made a fashion faux pas! Finally! She, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez, and Orlando Bloom were all caught wearing denim Hammer pants. If that doesn’t make you feel better about yourself, I don’t know what will!

So that’s all the news that’s fit to print. Stay tuned for next week’s exciting report on Bachelors, Royals, and Kardashians. I’m just guessing here, but you get my point.

They say suicide is more prevalent during the holidays and I think I know why – it’s that “Christmas Shoes” song.

I was going to write about all the sad Christmas songs like “Blue Christmas,” “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” etc. But I decided the really sad Christmas songs are the bad ones. And Christmas Shoes is at the top of the list. I prefer the parody song about the guy who complained because he had no shoes until he saw someone who had no feet. So he said, “Hey, buddy. Can I have your shoes?”

So this blog will be brief. I only ask one favor of you – comment with the Christmas song that makes you want to jump from the nearest bridge to take the pain away. For me, it’s this drivel by Alabama:

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”
He searched his pockets frantically
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/newsong-lyrics/the-christmas-shoes-lyrics.html .]
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama’s gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Bridge:
I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Repeat Chorus

See?? It says "everybody," not "only Christians."

Okay, nobody has ever told me it’s bad to wish someone a Merry Christmas. But all kinds of Christians on Facebook, where I spend a majority of my time, claim they’ve been ordered not to say those two evil words and that the evil secular people are taking the Christ out of Christmas.

As a Christian myself, I get really pissed off when I hear this argument from religious groups who essentially have control over much of our government, yet claim to be totally oppressed.  It’s like asking me to feel sorry for middle-aged, wealthy white men! They are too rich to have to pay taxes like the rest of us and, as such, constantly feel what it’s like to be discriminated against.

What about the people who have the right to celebrate other December occasions (under the freedom of religion part of the CONSTITUTION)? Jews celebrate Hanukkah. Africans and others celebrate Kwanzaa. Even agnostics and modern pagans celebrate in late December – the winter solstice. Do Christians not care enough about those groups to wish them a happy holiday? Didn’t Jesus preach “love thy neighbor?” And if you’re gonna get all Old Testament on me, just think of the flippin’ GOLDEN RULE! Let us also not forget that Jesus was a Jew. Show a little respect!

No one is trying to take Christ out of Christmas. In fact, Christians put the Christ in Christmas by taking a bunch of pagan traditions and turning them into something that celebrates the birth of Jesus, a man I believe truly did die for my sins, but probably was born closer to June 25 than December 25. It is important to note that the ancient pagans celebrated the winter solstice, which falls eerily close to Christmas each year.

What shepherds in their right minds would be tending their flocks by night in the dead of a Middle East winter?? And what of those Wise Men who followed a star for miles with the goal of meeting the Son of God? Would they do that in the chill of December? By the way, the Bible refers to these “wise men” aka the Three Kings as the Magi – the source of the word magic, the practice of which is an apparent sin that can result in a ticket straight to Hell.

And don’t “those without sin,” the righteous yet indignant Christians LIE to their children each year with the Santa Claus myth? What the heck does a fake fat man in a silly red suit have to do with Jesus? Nothing! And it has been pointed out on numerous occasions (most notably on Dana Carvey’s “Church Chat”) that Santa is just an anagram for Satan.

I learned of the pagan traditions from which our Christmas originated in church. My non-denominational pastor taught me all about the pagans who were nice enough to share their time-honored practices with the Christians. These traditions evolved into today’s Christmas tree, kissing under the mistletoe, and hanging sprigs of holly.  I have met a few “pagans” – self-proclaimed witches and warlocks – who have never even attempted to tell me not to say “Merry Christmas.” They celebrate the holiday, too. And why shouldn’t they? Christmas is for EVERYONE!

But I choose to say Happy Holidays in the spirit of inclusion. That’s what Jesus would want.

Now, I’m off to Wal-mart to get in a war over a parking space and shoot someone to get the last of the hottest toy. Selfishness – it seems to have become the real spirit of the season. Now who’s taking the Christ out of Christmas, huh?

So have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Cheery Kwanzaa, or Sweet Solstice, whichever you prefer. But isn’t it so much easier and more succinct to just say “Happy Holidays?”

Thanks to my friend Angie, I have been introduced to the GREATEST INVENTION EVER!  Party rats.  I want these things so badly, I could scream.

Look at these things. LOOK AT THEM!! You know you want some.

Of course, right now I’m blogging at 8:40 in the morning, but I usually wait until long after the sun sets for my creativity to kick in and these bad boys would really come in handy.

When he asks her out for…                   It means….

Lunch                                                      I might want to sleep with you.

Dinner                                                     I want to sleep with you.

Drinks                                                     I want to sleep with you with no strings attached.

Coffee                                                      I want to sleep with you…in about an hour.

Breakfast                                                 I’ve already slept with you.

High Tea                                                  I’m gay and I don’t want to sleep with you.

When she accepts…                              It means….

Lunch                                                      I might consider having dinner with you.

Dinner                                                     I might consider sleeping with you.

Drinks                                                     I think I’m gonna go for it!

Coffee                                                      Let’s talk! About everything!

Breakfast                                                 I want to be like this…with you…forever.

High Tea                                                  At least somebody good-looking is taking me out.

Are these guys even replaceable? I gave it the ol' college try!

As a child/teen of the ’80s, I’ve found that movies like the John Waters classics from my favorite decade just don’t exist anymore.  There simply isn’t a group of young 20-something actors worthy of carrying on the title of Brat Packer.

So, because I’m obnoxious, I’ve decided to take a few ’80s classic Brat Pack films and recast them with today’s actors.  There will be repeat casting, just as there was in the ’80s.  And the more annoying the actor, the better.  So, without further ado….

THE BREAKFAST CLUB:
THE JOCK:  Taylor Lautner – because he’s got some killer abs.
THE BRAIN:  Justin Bieber – because he’s a twerp.
THE CRIMINAL:  Robert Pattinson – because he’s all dark and broody.
THE PRINCESS:  Blake Lively – because she pulls off the snotty rich bitch really well on Gossip Girl.
THE FREAK:  Taylor Momsen – because the girl is a total train wreck in real life.

THE OUTSIDERS:
PONYBOY:  Nick Jonas – because he’s the youngest of three brothers.
JOHNNY:  Jaden Smith – because we need some people of color in this movie, dammit!
DALLAS:  Shia LaBeouf – I don’t know. The role sort of suits his badass persona.
SODAPOP:  Zac Efron – because he kind of reminds me of a young Rob Lowe.
DARREL:  George Clooney – because didn’t Patrick Swayze seem kind of ancient compared to the rest of those cute kids?
CHERRY:  Emma Stone – because she has red hair. I really like her as an actress, so she doesn’t really fit my “obnoxious” requirement, but who cares?

PRETTY IN PINK:
ANDIE:  Rebecca Black – because, I don’t know, she made her own “hit” single, so maybe her character could make her own “hit” clothes.
DUCKIE:  Justin Bieber – because who could resist this annoying little moppet with his hair in a giant pompadour?
BLAINE:  Chace Crawford – because I can see him waffling back and forth between being a sweetheart and a total douche.
STEFF:  Robert Pattinson – again, because he’s dark and brooding.

ST. ELMO’S FIRE:
KIRBY:  Daniel Radcliffe – because, assuming he can pull off an American accent, he’d do okay playing the dullest and most forgettable of all the characters in this movie.
BILLY:  Kenny G – because he may not fit the age group, but he plays the sax in the most annoying way possible and thinks he’s better than he really is.
KEVIN:  Justin Bieber – because his friends believed the character of Kevin was secretly gay. Kevin was another forgettable character and I hope one day Biebs will be forgotten, too.
JULES:  Ali Lohan – because Linsday is her sister, so you know she knows how to play a troubled alcoholic.
ALEC:  Shia LaBeof – because, I don’t know. I couldn’t think of anyone else for this role.
LESLIE:  Kendall Jenner – because she may not technically be a Kardashian, but we’re still supposed to keep up with her. Leslie was one of those types you had to keep up with, only not as horribly as the Ks.
WENDY:  Miley Cyrus – because the character of Wendy was so soft-spoken, it would be nice to watch a film in which Miley has to shut the hell up.

YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF PART ONE OF MY MULTI-PART MINIBLOG ON TODAY’S ACTORS IN YESTERDAY’S MOVIES. 

FIN.

"Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!"

I always get the post-birthday blues each October 1.  I get one day of being Queen of the Universe, then *POOF* – it’s over and I have to go back to being nobody special.  What a tease birthdays are.

And now that I’m 40, I can finally stop bitching about turning 40 and just do things old people do.  Here’s what I came up with for potential hobbies:

1.)  Yell at the neighbor kids to get off my lawn, even when they’re not on my lawn.

2.)  Say, “Sorry?” everytime someone speaks so they think I’m going deaf.

3.)  Get the Early Bird Special at Coco’s.

4.)  Go to bed at 7:30.

5.)  Wake up at the ass crack of dawn.

6.)  Take up crocheting.

7.)  Start using a cane.

8.)  When someone asks how I am, start off with a list of disgusting ailments, then say, “But I’m fine,” followed by a big sigh.

9.)  Get arthritis.

10.) Start drinking white wine.

11.) Buy an Oldsmobile. Or a Buick.

12.) Master the ultimate guilt trip.

13.) Retire.

14.) Move to Florida (aka God’s waiting room).

15.) Watch the History Channel and reminisce about the Good Old Days.

16.) Vote Republican.

17.) Call the police when the neighbors play their music at a reasonable volume.

18.) Order Sanka at all restaurants.

19.) Complain about being old.

20.) Die.