susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

Bad Words 09/24/2011

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 10:53 pm
The only things that should overstay their welcomes are the in-laws who like to park their giant RV on the curb in front of your house.

Alas, there are so many words and phrases that figuratively emulate the in-laws and I want them to GO AWAY!

 

First on my list is “Baby Daddy.” This expression has never been cute. It’s more annoying than “baby bump,” which has seen a decrease in usage in recent years. The REAL Baby Daddy drama is that it not only makes people sound stupid, it makes them sound slutty. Because the answer to the oft-asked “Who’s the baby daddy?” question is usually “I don’t know.” Unless said Baby Mama has already been on Maury to find out.  Plus, the phrase is completely redundant, as determined by the Department of Redundancy Department.

 

Negative words meaning positive things: I’m old. When you say something is “sick,” I might end up  asking if said something has seen a doctor. Then I would feel stupid. Don’t make me feel stupid. You won’t like me when I’m feeling stupid. Because then I will use all my ammunition to make YOU feel stupid. “Bad” isn’t too bad … er … evil. I think mainly because Michael Jackson helped me understand that bad means good. Somehow I’m down with the use of “fly” meaning something is cool. But I think that went out of fashion when “In Living Color” was canceled.

 

Nonsensical abbreviations, aka txt spk:  If you have to spell out LOL in actual conversation by saying “ell-oh-ell,” you need to go back to school for remedial English.  Again.  Believe it or not, it’s actually easier to literally laugh.  Out loud.  You don’t even have to be rolling on the floor or losing your ass by laughing it off.  Just a plain old laugh will suffice.  Plus, it burns more calories.  Oh, and really?  You can’t spell out ‘you,’ a measly three-letter word? You have to use ‘u’? Seriously, people. If you don’t start actually spelling out words, you’re going to look pretty stupid when you draft your first corporate memo by saying: Hi Team, Ur doing a grt job. I totes ❤ ur work. I appreci8 da F-ort u put in 2 ur project. But u can’t be L8 4  wrk again, k? Thx. ttfn.” Oh, and don’t get me started on the mixed upper- and lowercase letters. Double-you tee eff!

 

Adding extra consonants to the end of a word:  OMG, I think this will totes bug me foreverrrrrr.

 

Now pull up your pants and go get a dictionary.

 

So what’s the deal with TV and movie hostage takers? 09/20/2011

Filed under: Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 1:46 am

Let the Lego helicopter pilot deal with the hostage takers.

I recently watched the season finale of the Glades (Matt Passmore is smokin’ hot!), and was a little mystified by the whole “I want a helicopter” thing that hostage takers always demand.

I want a helicopter, too, by the way, but I’m not holding anyone against their will, unless you count my dog when she wants to go for a walk and I’m too lazy to take her.

But back to my original thought. These bad guys don’t always get their helicopters.  Usually the smart Columbo-esque good guys wind up outsmarting the bad guys and the helicopter never appears.

But on The Glades, there was the helicopter, as requested.

Which got me to thinking…what helicopter pilot would volunteer to fly away with a gun-toting villain??  Seriously.  Who would do that?

HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR:  Hey, Sam. Yeah, we got a guy here with an AK-47 who wants to take a few hostages to Dominican Republic. I’m working on getting them their passports, but we need someone to fly them down.  In a helicopter, of course.

HELICOPTER PILOT:  Hostage takers, you say?  I’ve always wanted to work with some of them.  They’re armed with automatic weapons, you say?  Even better!  I’ll be right there!  Oh, and I happen to have an extra million doing nothing in my bank account, so I’ll bring that, too, so they have some spending money.

GOOD GUY (to Hostage Negotiator):  Tell him to hurry. They’ve got my girl and I don’t want them to harm a single hair on her head or I will hunt them down like a dog!

Then the helicopter arrives and the hostage taker(s) fly away (assuming the good guy hasn’t outsmarted them already).  Maybe these pilots secretly know that the good guys always win out in the end.

I still don’t buy it, though.  I’m just glad my husband, who used to report traffic from a helicopter, has never gotten wrapped up in one of these all-too-common events.

 

40 and … what’s another F-word besides fabulous? 09/16/2011

Filed under: My Life,Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 9:12 am

Deny, deny, deny.

The moment I’ve been dreading since I was 18 and saw “When Harry Met Sally…” for the first time will be here in two short weeks.

SALLY:  And I’m gonna be 40!

HARRY:  When?

SALLY:  Someday.

I don’t WANNA be 40!  I’m not ready yet.  There’s so much I haven’t done and may not have time to do.  Like maybe have a baby.  We’re cutting it close to the wire on that one and I still can’t make up my mind!  Why did the good Lord create women to best give birth at the age of 14??  Can you imagine “Teen Mom” in Biblical times?  Actually, it’d be the opposite – JTV’s (Jesus Television) “30-year-old Mom.”  (My goodness! I can’t believe that old hag is having a baby! At THAT age?!)

But I digress.  40 is middle age to me.  I don’t have children.  I don’t own a home.  I’m “between engagements” right now (read: I don’t have a ‘real’ job)…  I’ve been in therapy off and on for 20 years and I’m still totally mental!  Okay, that last one was expected and actually, being mental is good for the creative process.  Tortured artist and all that.

When I was 14 and of good birthing age, I decided I was going to be a young mom and be married and pregnant by 21.  By 21, I was too drunk for that.  Oh, and I was living with my parents.

And you know I just don’t buy into the whole “40 is the new 30” B.S.  40 is still 40 and black is still black.  Or is pink the new black?  I just don’t know what to expect from fashion this season.

In addition to being the mother of a college student or two by 40, I planned to be very thin, very wealthy, happily married, working as a singer or actress, and living in a large home with housekeepers and chefs who would be considered family.  Can you believe NONE of that happened??  Ambition counts for something and a true princess such as myself expects these things to fall into her lap.  Still waiting for that winning lottery ticket to waft down from the sky.

So I’m going to be a Negative Nellie about turning 40.  To me, it’s NOT fabulous.  Here’s where you come in, my three faithful readers: I want you to come up with as many F-words (besides the obvious one) as you can.  Fill in the blank: “40 and F_______.”

Make me laugh.  I need cheering up.

SUSIE:  And I’m gonna be 40.

HARRY:  When?

SUSIE:  IN TWO WEEKS!!

Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, call me “ma’am.”  I refuse to ever become a “ma’am” no matter what my age.

(I have now entered a self-imposed moratorium on any phrase referring to the upcoming birthday upon which I will enter the 5th decade of life.)

 

 

 

The Non-Smoking Chronicles

Filed under: My Life,Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 6:45 am

You can't fire me. I QUIT!

August 17, 2011.  A date which will live in infamy.  It is the date I underwent hypnosis for the first time. It is the date I had my very last cigarette.

Until today.

Today, I got stressed out.  I caved.  I bought smokes.  I relapsed.  I FUCKED UP.  But don’t worry, I forgive myself.  Because I was able to discover that smoking completely nauseated me.  Yep.  It made me puke.  And I would rather go a lifetime without another cigarette than feel the way I feel right now.  Of course, I’d rather go a lifetime without another cigarette for many other reasons, too, not the least of which is to prove to all the naysayers who never thought they’d see the day come when I could get totally plowed and not have a single drag from a smokie treat.

Yeah, I call them smokie treats.  It’s much more adorable than “cancer sticks.”  And much less of a cliché.

Oh, and I would also like to never, ever hear another person tell me I’m killing myself slowly or that the dangers of secondhand smoke are so powerful, I’m probably killing children in Africa.   It’s not me killing children in Africa, ladies and gents, it’s AIDS.  So stick a sock in it and donate some money to an AIDS charity.  Do it now.  You’ll feel better about yourself.

Just like I feel better about myself for having learned about the power of suggestion and the subconscious mind.  My hypnotist knows his shit.  I also feel better about myself knowing that I can do this.  I can, nay, I DID kick this habit.

So now I have a nearly-full pack of cigarettes and plan on testing myself.  Will I remember this awful feeling I have right now when I get my next craving?  Will I get a next craving at all?  Will that Arrested Development movie ever get made?

I know what you’re all thinking.  “THROW THE PACK AWAY, YOU STUPID BITCH!”  But where’s the challenge in that?  I want to know that I have the ability to light up at any moment but choose not to.

The moral of the story here is obvious: It’s a lot easier to quit smoking if you don’t start in the first place.  And stay in school, kids.

 

5 Things that Raise My Blood Pressure 09/15/2011

Filed under: My Life,Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 2:29 am
  1.  My computer, which decides to ignore me by not responding because I don’t have enough memory. Note to computer: I don’t appreciate this passive-aggressive “silent treatment” you’re giving me.  Also, I don’t have enough memory either.  I forget stuff all the time!  But I never stop responding.  Hey, computer! You’re a jerk!
  2. My family:  All four of us are completely mental.  Of course, I have to make it clear that the rest of them are WAY more mental than I am.  And does being a selfish princess really qualify as mental?  I think not.

Wait.  That’s only 2 things.  Crud.