susieworld

If you want sense, you're going to have to make it yourself.

The Non-Smoking Chronicles 09/16/2011

Filed under: My Life,Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 6:45 am

You can't fire me. I QUIT!

August 17, 2011.  A date which will live in infamy.  It is the date I underwent hypnosis for the first time. It is the date I had my very last cigarette.

Until today.

Today, I got stressed out.  I caved.  I bought smokes.  I relapsed.  I FUCKED UP.  But don’t worry, I forgive myself.  Because I was able to discover that smoking completely nauseated me.  Yep.  It made me puke.  And I would rather go a lifetime without another cigarette than feel the way I feel right now.  Of course, I’d rather go a lifetime without another cigarette for many other reasons, too, not the least of which is to prove to all the naysayers who never thought they’d see the day come when I could get totally plowed and not have a single drag from a smokie treat.

Yeah, I call them smokie treats.  It’s much more adorable than “cancer sticks.”  And much less of a cliché.

Oh, and I would also like to never, ever hear another person tell me I’m killing myself slowly or that the dangers of secondhand smoke are so powerful, I’m probably killing children in Africa.   It’s not me killing children in Africa, ladies and gents, it’s AIDS.  So stick a sock in it and donate some money to an AIDS charity.  Do it now.  You’ll feel better about yourself.

Just like I feel better about myself for having learned about the power of suggestion and the subconscious mind.  My hypnotist knows his shit.  I also feel better about myself knowing that I can do this.  I can, nay, I DID kick this habit.

So now I have a nearly-full pack of cigarettes and plan on testing myself.  Will I remember this awful feeling I have right now when I get my next craving?  Will I get a next craving at all?  Will that Arrested Development movie ever get made?

I know what you’re all thinking.  “THROW THE PACK AWAY, YOU STUPID BITCH!”  But where’s the challenge in that?  I want to know that I have the ability to light up at any moment but choose not to.

The moral of the story here is obvious: It’s a lot easier to quit smoking if you don’t start in the first place.  And stay in school, kids.

 

5 Things that Raise My Blood Pressure 09/15/2011

Filed under: My Life,Susie's World — SusieWorld @ 2:29 am
  1.  My computer, which decides to ignore me by not responding because I don’t have enough memory. Note to computer: I don’t appreciate this passive-aggressive “silent treatment” you’re giving me.  Also, I don’t have enough memory either.  I forget stuff all the time!  But I never stop responding.  Hey, computer! You’re a jerk!
  2. My family:  All four of us are completely mental.  Of course, I have to make it clear that the rest of them are WAY more mental than I am.  And does being a selfish princess really qualify as mental?  I think not.

Wait.  That’s only 2 things.  Crud.

 

Identity Thief Strikes in Susieworld! 03/15/2011

Filed under: My Life — SusieWorld @ 8:51 am

Someone recently obtained my credit card information and decided to charge something on it immediately, as every identity thief should.

But MY identity thief was not smart and savvy.  Nope.  Not at all.  Instead of heading straight to VictoriasSecret.com or filling up the tank of her ’79 Datsun, she opted to try and purchase a subscription to Match.com.

Something was amiss, though, and those smarties at Match caught on immediately.  Perhaps they knew I was not so stupid as to join an online dating site as a MARRIED WOMAN.  Or perhaps Ms. Identity Thief just couldn’t figure out the bizarre spelling of the name of my first pet.  For the record, it’s Smokee.  And I never use it as the answer to a security question because it’s also my stripper name.

Ms. Identity Thief also didn’t think that my ever alert husband would take a look at the credit card statement.  Her major error, besides choosing to try and rip me off via flippin’ MATCH.COM, was that she chose to steal the information from my JOINT credit card.  Had she chosen my own card, she’d have had more success and I’d probably be paying overdraft fees up the butt for years to come.

Instead, I was interrogated by my husband who was rightfully curious about a charge I’d allegedly made to join an online dating site.

So, lesson learned.  Hopefully by my attempted identity thief.  Don’t mess with me.  I will hunt you down and make sure you only date the losingest of losers looking for dates on the internets forever and ever.  I hope you don’t go trying to rob a bank using your own deposit slip on which to write the “I’m robbing your bank” note.  But DO believe the teller when she says you have to have an account at that branch in order to rob it.

Oh – and I have a new card in the mail.  I’ll have to change my security question, though, which asks what my stripper name is.