susieworld

Us Weekly isn’t even enough for this week’s edition. This is all about what I learned from the glossy pictures in Us AND the heartwarming stories from People Weekly. I’m so glad they’re weekly. Otherwise, I’d NEVER blog. So….

With all the face-sucking these two did, who'da thunk it'd be over just like that?

OH. MY. GOD. Everyone is breaking up! All these people whose relationships make the world go ‘round are splitting!!! And I don’t know what to do with myself. Heidi Klum and Seal’s breakup was nicely timed – right between press times – so I can’t talk about them except to say that my friend Michael spotted Seal on “Ellen” singing “Let’s Stay Together,” more famously performed by Al Green. Um…poor timing? Bad choices? You be the judge. In other breakup news…..

1.)               Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have split. Their relationship has lasted longer than anyone would have imagined being that he’s Johnny Depp (who makes me all gooey inside), the man who was once famous for trashing hotel rooms and owning the bar outside which River Phoenix died of an overdose. Yeah, he’s gotten all weird and French and stuff, but he’s Johnny Depp, man! Apparently, according to People, he has allowed people to photograph themselves with him and he’s all courteous and stuff. Not the Johnny Depp I know! Clearly something is wrong. He’s single. Or just one-half of a “free-spirited couple.”

2.)               Katy Perry’s face graces the cover of Us Weekly. Yet the story is about “Russell’s Shocking Tell-All.” I have yet to read the story because my job with this blog is to breeze through the magazine, occasionally read a snapshot caption, and comment like I’m better than these people. Which, of course, I am.

3.)               Paula Deen, queen of butter, is diabetic. Diabetes sucks. Perhaps the hardest part of the disease for those of us who are lucky enough not to have it is to hear Wilford Brimley’s pronunciation. But Paula Deen’s recipes, such as “Deep Fried Stuffing on a Stick” contain enough fat grams to cover a day’s serving. She’s only teaching people to cook to BECOME diabetic, not to cook FOR the diabetic.

4.)               The Justin Bieber movie made Duchess Kate “cry like a little schoolgirl.” I am biting back so many thoughts on this because Kate’s practically a princess and I’m practically a princess, so I don’t want to ruin either of our standings in the royalty realm.

5.)               Insane stat of the week: “When Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow threw his 80-yard pass to top the Pittsburgh Steelers January 8, the apostolic athlete, 24, also scored a social media win. He beat Beyonce’s celeb record for tweets per second with 9,420! She inspired 8,868 hits per second when she announced her pregnancy.”

6.)               STOP THE PRESSES! Denise Richards has designed a pair of pink pumps!!! Oh, okay. I guess I should mention all of the proceeds from the sale of the shoes will go to the Kidney Cancer Association.

7.)               Lea Michele, known best for “Glee,” will be the latest model for Candies. I wonder how they’ll exploit her clean teen image.

8.)               Christie Brinkley turns 58 on Groundhog Day. 58!!!!! Holy frijoles, she looks good!

9.)               In LOL news, Cameron Diaz and Diddy (aka Puff Daddy, aka P. Diddy, aka Sean “Puffy” Combs) are totally hooking up. She was witnessed “STRADDLING him” at a party. A witness said, “her hair was all crazy, her makeup was smeared, and they made out in front of EVERYONE.” (Caps used by me for EMPHASIS.) “She was acting like a teenager.” Somehow none of this surprises me. Cameron seems desperate and “Diddy” seems like the kind of phony who wants a hot white girl on his arm at his white parties.

10.)           I have finally come to the pages about “Russell’s Shocking Tell-All,” and there’s nothing to tell. The shock is that the tell-all hasn’t been written yet and Us Weekly chose four pages, mostly of giant pictures, to explain that Russell is usually very open about stuff and will probably write a tell-all. But there’s no tell-all here.

11.)           Poor Heather Locklear. She kind of seems to be losing it. And that sucks.

12.)           Forget breakups! Let’s talk hookups! Apparently there are rumors (old by now) that Chris Brown and Rihanna have gotten back together. How many times does a guy have to slap you around to get you to back off??? (Seriously – WTF is she thinking???)

13.)           Emily Maynard is going to be the next Bachelorette. I don’t know who she is and I don’t care.

14.)           House is on its last legs. I could have told you this a few seasons ago, but Us Weekly came up with it all on its own.

15.)           I cannot do justice to the “Fashion Police” photo of Patricia Arquette. She is wearing a white t-shirt under a maroon toga and carrying a blue/red plaid coat. Her purse is beige and her boots are white. I’ve never seen anything like it unless it was on Bjork.

Seriously. Why are girls so hot for THIS??

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake is officially off the market. Who cares? YOU DO! That’s why you’re reading this blog!

1.)          J-Tim (which is what he lets me call him) is apparently not to be trusted. He’s got a roving eye for the ladies and Jessica had better beware. Of course, if she hasn’t figured out that he’s a dog by now, she likely never will.

2.)          Sienna Miller is having a baby! And the father isn’t a happily married man or Jude Law. Sienna’s sister is all excited because she’s preggers, too, (with her third bambino) and she believes they’ll practically be giving birth in the same room. The fetus father is also totally tight with Robert Pattinson, though I’m not sure how that matters.

3.)          Megan Fox, Eva Longoria, and Kate Walsh all worked at fast-food restaurants before they became mildly talented, much-photographed celebs. Megan Fox was even given the option to wear an apple or banana costume because she worked at a smoothie joint. She says she always chose the banana costume because it’s phallic. No. I kid. It was because “it was thinner.” Even people dressed as fruit can be vain, I suppose.

4.)          If their lives were made into movies, here’s who these celebs would cast as themselves. Fortunately, I don’t think anyone would pay to see the films, so they’ll never be made.

1. Justin Timberlake as Elton John
2. Hilary Duff as Kylie Minogue
3. Marisa Tomei as Lady Gaga
4. Gabourey Sidibe as Whoopi Goldberg

5.)          Angelina Jolie left the house with one of her kids again. This one was armed with a toy gun.

6.)          Who’s that Raymond guy? ‘Cause everyone loves Betty White and can’t seem to stop talking about her. Like remaining lucid at 90 is a big deal. Sheesh.

7.)          OMG! OMG! OMG! Wills and Kate went to the movies!!!!!!

8.)          Scary-thin Leann Rimes apparently has her diet controlled by her husband – the one she started seeing while they were both married. He orders her steamed veggies for her. Isn’t that sweet?

9.)          Gossip Girl is filming its 100^th episode and I’m proud to say I’ve watched every one. Okay, maybe proud isn’t the right word. These aren’t the kind of records that’ll get me in the books.

10.)      Famous ladies wear some really fucked up shoes. Really fucked up.

11.)      Kingston Rossdale, the adorable spawn of Gwen Stefani, likes to have his fingernails polished.

12.)      The Bachelor “winner” Vienna Girardi had a tattoo removed. It was a fairy on her hip. I don’t know why someone would want to get rid of a design that clearly has such deep meaning.

13.)      Famous gay people are getting married! Woohoo! Congratulations to Alan Cumming and Isaac Mizrahi. I find Isaac completely irritating, but Alan released a fragrance called “Cumming” and as a result has my utmost respect and adoration.

14.)      Katy Perry “demands that (Russell) Brand get his possessions out of her sight.” Just because he’s addicted to drugs and sex doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have a place to keep his crack pipe and leather undies.

15.)      Okay, back to my good friend J-Tim. He has flirted and likely slept with Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Olivia Munn, Kate Hudson, Ciara, and Rihanna. Many of these relationships were while he was allegedly with Jessica Biel. Tell me why he’s not to be trusted again?

16.)      One of MTV’s teen moms is going to be a teen mom again. 19-year-old Leah Messer, who already has twins by her ex-husband, is knocked up again. Word is her IUD failed. I’m not one to get preachy, but maybe not being such a little slut would prevent pregnancy. (I kid, again.)

17.)      A friend of a friend was evicted from the maternity ward so Beyonce could have Jay-Z’s baby. The fact that they’re denying all these rumors that they demanded special treatment leads me to believe that they demanded special treatment. Meanwhile, they named their daughter “Blue.”

18.)      Drew Barrymore and Halle Berry are ENGAGED! Also, Adele has found love. Finally. The headline reads Adele: How She Finally Found Love. Apparently, being single and 21 is virtual spinsterhood!

19.)      There’s a bunch of stuff about The Bachelor that I probably didn’t know, but I didn’t read the article.

20.)      People can’t stop talking about Mark Wahlberg being a dad. The dude’s got four kids and a wife, so this is not exactly newsworthy, yet every magazine I got this week has a story on Marky-Mark the family man.

21.)      All the Kardashians like to wear bow ties.

22.)      And in advertising news, “super-powerful ‘diet pills’” are making a comeback. I’m scared. Because the words “diet pills” were actually in quotation marks.

1.)     Rob Lowe needs to find a new tanning place.

2.)     Kate Winslet wins a lot of awards.

3.)     I don’t watch nearly as much TV as I’d once thought. Who ARE all these people??

4.)     People are really grateful for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Not so grateful to their agents and God.

5.)     Queen Latifah and Mary J. Blige don’t like Madonna. At all.

6.)     I think Katherine McPhee’s eye makeup got all over Debra Messing’s eyes.

7.)     Okay. Now Brad Pitt is just TRYING to look ugly.

8.)     Seth Rogan was not kidding about that erection. Kate Beckinsale is hot and I’d totally hit that if I were a lesbian.

9.)     Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t seem to realize people are laughing at her horrible, horrible dress.

10.)   Acceptance speeches are so much shorter when you fast-forward through them.

11.)   It’s hard to tell if Jessica Lange had bad work done on her face or just hasn’t aged as gracefully as I’d have thought.

12.)   My husband things Madonna “still looks pretty good for her age.”

13.)   And the award for Best Supporting Garment goes to…. SPANX!

14.)   I didn’t think they’d include Morgan Freeman’s incredible work from The Electric Company in his montage. I am happily surprised.

15.)   That Martin Scorcese guy does a mean Woody Allen impersonation.

16.)   Modern Family is the only network show to win anything! I think it’s also the only thing I watch that won anything. Seriously. Who ARE these people??

17.)   Mark Wahlberg is so not impressed with the list of impressive nominees.

18.)   A silent film won best comedy movie. Scriptwriters everywhere are shaking their fists at God.

18.)   What got trapped under Natalie Portman’s dress? I get that you can get toilet paper stuck to your shoe, but to get a whole toilet stuck to your underwear? Crazy!

19.)   I hope they bring Cary Grant back from the dead to play the lead in The George Clooney Story.

20.)   As far as I know, Ricky Gervais only swore ONCE!

I mean LOOK at the guy! He looks like Charles Manson's crazier brother!

So the breakup of Katy Perry and Russell Brand is the cover story of this week’s issue of Us. What I learned without even cracking the cover open is that Ms. Perry is a little late to the party in which the entire world realized Russell Brand is a crazy man. Nevertheless here’s this week’s Us Weekly roundup….

1.)                Katy Perry’s side of the story is that she was married to a crazy man. And he hated her friends. And he hated being Mr. Katy Perry.

2.)                Sandra Bullock is ready to start dating again, thanks to her son Louis. I don’t know what a 2-year-old has to say about mommy dating, but I’d guess it wouldn’t be much.

3.)                Andy Cohen, of Bravo TV fame, loves ladies with side ponies. We have something in common, as I believe side ponies should never go out of style!

4.)                Crystal Harris, who is perhaps best known for her gigantic tit… uh … leaving Hugh Hefner at the altar, wants her dog back. She left Hef and the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel “Charlie” back in June and now she says he can keep the ring and the Bentley, but she suddenly wants the dog back. Sorry, Crystal. You’re a bad doggie mom for ditching the pups along with the nups.

5.)                Je ne give a damn pas about what Stacy Kiebler (aka George Clooney’s future ex-girlfriend) keeps in her purse. But she does have a gum addiction and that’s important to know.

6.)                Adam Sandler, Camille Grammer, Christina Hendricks, and Lady Gaga all got their starts on MTV. They appeared on Remote Control, Club MTV, Undressed, and Boiling Points, respectively. This was something I actually didn’t know and is actually somewhat interesting. Okay, not interesting anymore. Moving on…

7.)                Robert Downey, Jr. met Sting in 1984 when he served the lead singer of The Police tea at a restaurant in SoHo.

8.)                SNL’s Jason Sudeikis apparently has a way with the ladies. Now he’s dating Olivia Wilde, who divorced a frigging PRINCE a year or two ago. She didn’t divorce the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. She left an actual prince to date a clown.

9.)                If you’re everybody who’s anybody, you’re either in Hawaii or Aspen right now. Clearly, I’m nobody. ‘Cause I’m right here, which is most certainly NOT Hawaii or Aspen.

10.)            Scarlett Johansson was a really funny looking kid.

11.)            The thing to do in celebrity circles is to have babies first, ask questions (like “will you marry me?”) later.

12.)            Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Abrosio is about to get fat, to the delight of chubby girls everywhere. She’s preggers with Baby No. 2.

13.)            Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana are dating. If they decide to have babies, I hope they turn out really ugly. Doesn’t beauty skip a generation?

14.)            Angelina Jolie has a lot of kids. But that’s not what I learned. I learned she’s begging the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for votes for her film “In the Land of Blood and Honey.”

15.)            LeBron James is off the market. In other news, who cares?

16.)            Brandi Glanville, bitter ex-wife of Eddie Cibrian and current Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, remarried in Las Vegas on New Year’s Day. Apparently, she’s just a tad impulsive because after tweeting “I’m married again – suuuuuuck it,” she admitted that the stunt was designed solely to get attention. They plan to have the union annulled if it was even legal in the first place.

17.)            I’m not sure even Harry Connick, Jr. can make me interested in Law & Order: SVU again. That show ran its course about five years ago.

18.)            Don’t fly or you could die. Lesson learned from Heavy D., whose death has been attributed to a pulmonary embolism that likely developed on a flight from London to LA.

19.)            I take back what I said last week about the constantly jilted Jessica Biel. Word is that Justin Timberlake actually proposed. His agent isn’t going to like that very much. No one likes an off-the-market teen idol.

20.)            Ashton Kutcher was apparently reaching Tiger Woods status on the cheating scale while married to Demi Moore.

21.)            I really, REALLY don’t care about The Bachelor. And he’s kind of ugly.

22.)            There are a lot of really bad shows that have somehow made it onto television. And not all of them are Jersey Shore.

23.)            The best way stars burn calories is by hiring high-paid fitness trainers, then telling readers they can do the same thing!

24.)            Get ready for winter (which has yet to arrive in California) by getting a really, REALLY bright coat. Look like a peacock because that’s what Jennifer Lopez looks like.

25.)            Long hair is in. Shaggy bobs are out. I feel for all the poor people who just got shaggy bobs before being told this crucial information. Fortunately, I was not one of them.

And now, back to the grind of another week. I bid you adieu until my next issue arrives or until I come up with some other brilliant thing to blog about.

This week’s issue was The Diet Issue. I hate this issue. But here’s what I learned:

1.)     Kris Kardashian klaims she sang in her very own music video back in 1985. The song? “I Love My Friends.”  Klassy, Kris. Krazy klassy! 

2.)     There is an actress named Fan Bingbing. I’m not kidding.

3.)     Katie Holmes actually calls Victoria Beckham before events so they can coordinate their outfits. I do this with my friends all the time! Okay, it’s been a while. I haven’t done it since 7^th grade.

4.)     Duchess Kate gets photographed a lot. Oftentimes she’s wearing some ridiculous hat.

5.)     Mariah Carey dresses like a 19-year-old hooker. Even in ads for Jenny Craig.

6.)     Kendra and Hank Baskett work out. (Insert LMFAO lyric here.)

7.)     Red jeans are really in. I was clued into this fad by my friend Ericka, who wasn’t wearing them, thank God. I haven’t worn red jeans since my mother used to buy me Toughskins at Sears in the ‘70s.

8.)     Besides being the most boring TV host alive, Maria Menounos really likes vodka.

9.)     Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves are getting married. I don’t much see the point, but whatevs.

10.)   Backstreet Boy and former rehab resident AJ McLean had a goth wedding.

11.)   Mark Wahlberg is a family man. Having a wife and kids will do that to a guy.

12.)   American Idol runner up David Archuleta, 21, is leaving music to become a Mormon missionary. At least he has enough money to buy a trunkload of short-sleeved shirts and skinny ties.

13.)   I would like to sue the company that is suing Snooki for reneging on a deal to produce “merchandise lines.” She’s doing you a favor, SRG Ventures. She’s doing us ALL a favor!

14.)   Gerard Butler was hospitalized after getting pummeled by a wave while filming a movie. The movie is about a guy from my hometown of Santa Cruz, CA and I can promise you that the waves at Mavericks don’t give a damn if you’re a celebrity.

15.)   James Franco has been cast as Hugh Hefner in the Linda Lovelace biopic. Shockingly, Lindsay Lohan is no longer listed in the cast.

16.)   Jessica Biel appears desperate again in yet another story about Justin Timberlake not proposing.

17.)   Among the year’s worst trends were denim short onesies (aka “rompers”). Khloe Kardashian was pictured in one and she looked like a slutty Amazonian toddler. No one over the age of 4 should be caught in something called a “romper.”

18.)   Celebrities with millions of dollars and personal trainers at their disposal are willing to share their diet secrets with the everywoman. You, too, can “eat like a star!” Assuming everything you eat is either an egg white omelet without cheese or a thimbleful of almonds.

This week’s issue of Us Weekly looked a little skimpy and it had J Lo on the cover – a tired old story about her and her uber-controlling ex, Marc Anthony wanting to take custody of the kids. Since this is Us Weekly, I don’t believe a word of it, but it’s worth writing about anyway because maybe I LEARNED something.

But this week’s TV Guide, despite its pledge to provide TV schedules that we all get on our cable or satellite provided TVs, is a little more informative this week, so get a load of THIS!

  1.)     Mad Men is finally coming back! And viewers still care, despite the 17-month gap between seasons. Not even January Jones’ poor acting skills can keep me away from this show. Hell, not even knowing January Jones is kind of a bitch in real life and is sort of mean to the kid actors on set will keep me away. My husband doesn’t understand the appeal of Mad Men. That makes me like it a little bit more for some reason.

  2.)     Howard Stern has been named as the new judge for “America’s Got Talent.” I think it’s an appropriate choice because I think a better name for this show would be “America’s Got Weirdos.”

3.)     TV Guide somehow determined that the average American household contains 3.01 television sets. I don’t know how the .01 comes into play, but clearly TV Guide has never been to my house. In my house, we have three TVs in the family room alone. Yes. True story. My husband has a bit of a sports addiction, so we have one regular TV and two emergency backup TVs in case of a breakout of college basketball or hockey while something better is available for me/us to watch on TiVo. Tonight, for example, all three of them are on – and they all have sports playing. It’s college bowl season.

These are actual TVs in my actual family room.

4.)     E!, the network that brought you the True Hollywood Story about people you never cared about in the first place, dedicated 32 hours of television to Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries – a marriage that lasted 72 days. The coverage of their marriage totaled 1.8% of the length of the marriage. My husband with all the TVs is also really good at math.

5.)     Tragically hip Sarah Jessica Parker is more tragic than hip. Sorry. This isn’t news.

6.)     There is a “Battle of the Hunks” about to occur at the Golden Globes. Best Actor in a Drama nods have gone out to Ryan Gosling (meh), George Clooney (maybe 10 years ago), Leonardo DiCaprio (maybe 15 years ago), Brad Pitt (lost his sexy when he hooked up with Angelina), and Michael Fassbender (who??). I hope Fassbender wins solely on principle.

7.)     Tom Cruise may have to pay people to be his fans in India, but he still makes crazy couch-jumpable romantic gestures for his Scientology-chosen Frankenbride Katie Holmes. He painted her name on his private jet, defamed a Dubai skyscraper by painting her name on it, and bought out a restaurant to have a private anniversary dinner with her. No word on whether or not he painted her name anywhere.

8.)     Charlie Sheen was not “winning” on Twitter when he totally fucked up and posted his cell phone number for all to see. Needless to say, he got a shitload of calls within seconds from desperate people who think calling Charlie Sheen is a good idea. The phone number was intended for Justin Bieber, who should know better than to call a guy who hasn’t been arrested for pedophilia – yet.

9.)     Disgusting quote from Kate Winslet about ‘Titanic’ being re-released in 3-D: “It’s exciting to think that a whole ne.. generation of young men and women … who may have been conceived after a date night of a couple going to see ‘Titanic’ … will be seeing it.” Said children can scream in unison: EEEEWWWW! Nasty!

10.)  I don’t like to give the Kardashians more than one paragraph in my blogs, but did you see their Christmas card photo? Again, EEEEWWWW! Nasty! And now I hear Kim’s dating Kanye. All together now! EEEEWWWW!

Kreepy Kardashian Khristmas

Nasty!

Look! The Jersey Shore cast can make your Christmas tree smell more like a blend of stale cigarettes and Four Loko!

My new issue arrived yesterday and I immediately read it cover to cover. Okay – I just looked at pictures and read the captions because the magazine is basically just pictures with captions so you have no choice. But ANYWAY…

1.)     The cover story headline is priceless. I couldn’t care less about how Will and Kate are spending their royal Christmas, but this headline left me wanting more: “CHRISTMAS AT THE PALACE: HER PARENTS AREN’T INVITED.” Maybe the Middletons will get out their gloves and beat the crap out of the Queen for Boxing Day. Oh. That’s not the boxing Boxing Day is about? Oh, well. It’s a good idea nevertheless.

2.)     Nobody in India knows or cares who Tom Cruise is. Apparently, when he went there to promote Mission Impossible: Turns Out it’s Possible, everyone who was at the airport to cheer his name was PAID – $3 and a buffet lunch. I’d jump on a couch for three bucks and a buffet!

3.)     You can get Jersey Shore Christmas ornaments from MTV. Yes – little guido figurines to hang on your tree. And Mike “The Situation” is even flashing his little hand-crafted abs!

4.)     Larry King wants to be frozen and brought back to life. I cannot emphasize enough how disturbing this is.

5.)     Mariah Carey will never stop dressing like a skank.

6.)     Stars! They’re just like “Us!” Because they eat ice cream, touch up their lipstick, take their kids to see Santa, go shoe shopping, and carry their own children. I’m practically a celebrity myself because I watch TV, drive a car, and think people care about my tweets.

7.)     Seeing pictures of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez kissing makes me feel like a pedophile.

8.)     Celebrities clearly don’t love their children based on the names they choose. “Apple” is so 2000-and-late. Now we have “Bear” and “Monroe & Morroccan.”

Surprisingly, there wasn’t much else to learn in this issue. Too many pictures, not enough captions. Better luck next week, I guess.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. My semi-regular Us Weekly “column” is BACK! I know you’ve been dying to know what’s REALLY going on with the D-List celebs of Tinseltown, so let’s get started, shall we?

1.)     Khole Kardashian will do ANYTHING for a baby. Really? ANYTHING?? I hope that includes sleeping with your husband, you miserable tramp, because that’s the way it’s usually done. But I don’t like to make fun of infertility, so…

2.)     Kourtney Kardashian, Khloe’s older unmarried sister is knocked up again, rubbing salt in poor Khloe’s herpes wounds. Kourtney is preggers with her douchey boyfriend Scott Disick’s kid. Apparently no one has felt the need to tell the guy that his look went out of style when TV movies about rich, white country club boys doing bad things in the 1980s stopped being made. In the ’80s.

3.)     Joan Rivers hasn’t been funny in 35 years. In her “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” story, she says, “If I could change one thing about my appearance … too late. I’ve already done it!” Technically JOAN didn’t do it, her blind plastic surgeon did. THAT would be something we didn’t know about her – that her plastic surgeon was blind. It would explain a lot.

4.)     If you’re a Victoria’s Secret model, chances are you will win the “Who Wore it Best” contest. Also, Us Weekly must have a standing order with the same 100 people in Rockefeller Center who always make the wrong choice in another “Who Wore it Best” contest. There are usually three pages dedicated to this topic, so if you’re a second-rate actress, make sure you don’t wear the same dress as someone better looking than you, or your self-esteem will be knocked down several pegs by 100 strangers who regularly hang out in Rockefeller Center.

5.)     Dylan McDermott likes to get naked for the camera. I’m totally fine with this.

6.)     Angelina Jolie likes to go out with her kids a lot. But I learned this is LAST week’s issue of Us Weekly. And the week before’s, and the week before that’s….

7.)     There is a mutiny at “Glee.”  Apparently Ryan Murphy, the show’s creator, is a gay Hitler. (Couldn’t go an entire blog without an inappropriate Hitler comparison.)  The teenage cast, which is really made up of people pushing 30, have to work really long hours – just like people who work on other TV shows. They also claim they’re grossly underpaid – just like our nation’s teachers. Oh, and Ryan Murphy allegedly yelled at Kristen Chenowyth. KRISTIN CHENOWYTH, PEOPLE! NO ONE YELLS AT KRISTIN CHENOWYTH! (But bloggers can “yell” about her with that handy-dandy All Caps keyboard feature.)

8.)     Robert Pattinson was caught with …. Oh wait. I skipped that article.

9.)     Teen moms of today are getting fame and fortune thanks to MTV. Gone are the days when their contemporaries would just call them sluts and shun them for their irresponsibility.

10.)   Charlize Theron may be beautiful, but she only gets Oscar buzz for playing awful people.

BONUS US WEEKLY LESSON:

11.)    That “New Year’s Eve”  movie apparently doesn’t just LOOK bad. It IS bad. The reviewers at Us Weekly are usually overly kind in their critiques. I’m sure A Very Brady Movie got 5 out of 5 stars. But New Year’s Eve only got 1.5.

My issue of Us Weekly didn’t arrive last week for reasons unknown, so I’m going with a much more respected publication. This won’t be as fun, but here goes…

1.)  The first rule of Fight Club is that everyone who has seen it loves it and, thusly, talks about it all the time.

Film critics everywhere don't seem to remember the first rule of Fight Club.

2.)  Beyonce, 50 Cent, Usher, and Mariah Carey all made millions performing for members of the Gaddafi family.

3.)  Charlie’s Angels has been CANCELED! I’m guessing it’s because there wasn’t enough jiggle. Or feathered hair.

4.)  Lindsay Lohan kept missing her court-ordered community service at a women’s center, so she was transferred to the Red Cross.  EW: “Asked why the Red Cross was selected, a spokesman said, ‘It’s clear this thing is now an international disaster-relief effort.'”

Oh. And she's also going to show off her drug addled cooch in Playboy.

5.)  Fonzie’s motorcycle from Happy Days is up for auction. Anyone have a spare $90K?

6.)  The iPod is 10 years old.

He must be listening to Train because their music stinks!

7.)  Ian McShane really digs starring in movies based on Fairy Tales.

8.)  The Lorax has been turned into a feature film and Danny DeVito is voicing the little mustached guy. Somehow Danny DeVito speaking for the trees doesn’t seem all that fitting. Did they cast him because he and the Lorax have similar statures?  Also, we will see the Once-ler in his entirety, not just the green gloved hands. Thanks, Hollywood, for ruining another classic.

The Lorax speaks for the trees with a thick, gravely New York accent.

9.)  Rachel Bilson, star of Hart of Dixie, is a terrible actress. Okay, I didn’t get this from EW. I formed my own opinion.

10.)  Everybody loves Zooey Deschanel.

11.)  Elizabeth Olson is finally taking attention away from her creepy twin sisters. Alas, she only seems to be photographed when they’re both flanking her.

One of these things is not like the others. Two of these things are kind of the same.

12.)  Zachary Quinto, of Heroes and Star Trek fame, is gay. I, for one, am not shocked by this at all. 

13.)  In obvious news, zombies have regained popularity. Eating brains has never been so sexy.

Zombie LOL!

14.)  Some unknown actor talks about how he got his head chopped off in an episode of Dexter.

15.)  Redheads are taking over television.

BONUS: Entertainment Weekly didn’t educate me on a single thing about the Kardashians.

How in the sweet name of Jesus am I supposed to keep up?

Hopefully by next week I’ll be back to reporting on the real news – Kim and her mom wearing platform stilettos while riding camels.

Here’s what I learned by reading this week’s issue of Us Weekly.

1.)  Kristin Cavillari got kicked off Dancing with the “Stars” because she’s really nice and an amazing dancer.  But America hates her because she’s spoiled rich brat.

2.)  Megan Fox once had a pet pig named Piggie Smalls.

3.)  Vinnie Guagdanino of, “Jersey Shore” fame, is, shockingly, a New York Knicks fan.  And he also claims to have taken the LSAT the day his show premiered.

4.)  Elizabeth Olsen never talks to her older sisters, Mary Kate and Ashley, about acting. Probably because Mary Kate and Ashley can’t act.

5.)  Pippa Middleton bought a potted cyclamen.

6.)  JUSTIN BIEBER IS RELEASING A HOLIDAY ALBUM! OMG! OMG! OMG!

7.)  Some slutty blonde had a one-night stand with Ashton Kutcher. And she’s not afraid to tell the tabloids about it.

8.)  The Kardishian sisters don’t like Kim’s hubby.

9.)  B-list actresses are not afraid to dress like slutty whatevers for Halloween.  Whatever. As long as it’s slutty.

10.)  A bunch of red-headed actresses are being lauded for “going red” for fall.

11.)  The “best” fall bags are really, really ugly.  Oh – and really, really expensive.

12.)  Footloose is coming out. Yet John Lithgow has not been asked to make a cameo.

13.)  Jack Black is TOTALLY ADDICTED! To Scrabble.

14.)  There are a lot of diet pills out there. And all of them appear to be extremely successful in helping people lose weight via photoshop.

15.)  Even good actresses wear bad dresses.  Bad actresses wear even worse dresses.