susieworld

I am shocked (SHOCKED!) that there was some lying going on during this season's Bachelor.

GAWD, I’m so sick of The Bachelor! The season is over, so you’d think the stories would be, too, but NOOOOO! I’ll get back to that in a minute. Here’s more of what I learned this week:

1.)                Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz are finito and Us Weekly tells us “what went wrong.” Actually, Us Weekly doesn’t tell me anything of the sort. They broke up and it was mutual. I’m disappointed. No lies? No cheating? What the frick??

2.)                Lindsay Lohan has apparently looked like a lot of other celebs over the years. Among them, Frankie Muniz, Emma Stone, Victoria Gotti, and my personal favorite, Debbie Harry. Apparently, 66-year-old Debbie was mistaken for Lindsay in NYC recently. Hi-larious!

3.)                Dancing with the “Stars” pro Derek Hough tells Us 25 things we don’t know about him. I skipped the list because I want to maintain my lack of knowledge about this guy.

4.)                Mad Men’s Elizabeth Moss is bad-mouthing her ex, SNL Obama portrayer Fred Armisen. “He’s so great at doing impersonations, but the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.”

5.)                There’s a feature called “What’s in my bag?” that describes what celebs carry in their purses. This week’s “celeb” is J-Woww from Jersey Shore and I was shocked there wasn’t a Costo-sized box of condoms in her ugly-ass bag.

6.)                Jennifer Love Hewitt apparently vajazzles herself. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight without nightmares about this.

7.)                Stars are just like Us because Kim Kardashian pumps her own gas and Halle Berry obsesses over shoes.

8.)                Kendra Wilkinson was photographed out and about with hubby Hank Baskett and son Hank IV. All I learned from this is that white girls look ridiculous with cornrows.

9.)                Everybody’s excited about The Hunger Games. Swell.

10.)            Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown wants to go by Kristina because she doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her batshit crazy father.

11.)            Holy frijoles! Ferris Bueller is 50!

12.)            Dennis Quaid is divorcing his wife, who kinda looks like a younger Meg Ryan. Guess he has a type.

13.)            Jason Segal and Michelle Williams went out on a date. Maybe they’ll be getting married next!

14.)            Sorry, ladies. Ryan Gosling is off the market. Eva Mendes wants him to move in. I don’t understand the Gosling obsession some people have. Maybe because I’ve lasted this long without watching The Notebook.

15.)            Okay – we’ve arrived at the permanent Bachelor part of this issue. Page 42 seems to be dedicated to this show. Ben proposed to Courtney the bitch, but was caught seeing other people. Someone who has even less of a life than I did a little study on the couple’s body language in the reunion show. According to their body language, they’re not going to make it. This is so sad because all the other Bachelor couples have had such successful relationships!

16.)            Rihanna is “still not over Chris.” Someone will have to beat some sense into her.

17.)            Kanye West, famous for saying George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people, and I guess for a few rap songs, has his eyes set on Kim Kardashian. I, for one, can’t wait to see how this plays out. Meanwhile, Kim has expressed an interest in God-fearing QB Tim Tebow. I would actually PAY to see that relationship happen.

18.)            When Us Weekly isn’t covering The Bachelor, it’s covering the Brangelina brood. More often than not, they aren’t actually DOING anything but going out in public. The entire two-page spread is a mess of pictures and captions because THERE IS NO STORY HERE!

19.)            Here’s some breaking news – the pushup is making a comeback in the fitness world because Michelle Obama did one on the Ellen show.

20.)            I leave you with this – and you might want to go out and purchase this issue for this story alone – Us Weekly offers four tips on how to ROCK A KIMONO.

Stay tuned next week when we learn how to rock a muumuu. In a word – Bedazzler!

OMG! TMI!

Hello, faithful readers. Didja miss me last week? I took a few days off to go get loaded in wine country and last week’s issue was on the tired subject of Courtney from the Bachelor, so I decided to spend my time doing something more productive – drinking loads of delicious wine. But now I’m back and yes, ladies and gentlemen, Snooki is preggers. Oh em gee! I learned more about her stupidity than I ever cared to know by reading this week’s issue of Us Weekly.

1.)               Demi Moore is out of rehab, but continues to act like a teenager by asking all her friends if ex-husband Ashton Kutcher is seeing another woman. I guess when you’re doing whip-its in your 40s, you need to stick with the program of acting like you’re in middle school.

2.)               Justin Bieber turned 18 and received a Costco membership from Ryan Seacrest.

3.)               Older actors continue to rob the cradle when it comes to the girls they’re dating. An example: Katie Holmes was 5 when Tom Cruise danced in his undies in Risky Business.

4.)               Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy style is worse than her regular style. I don’t like to make fun of weight gains, since I’ve never been pregnant and am no Victoria’s Secret model myself, but Jessica’s outfits emphasize her HUGE pregnancy weight gain. It could be because her pregnancy cravings include Cap’n Crunch cereal and buttered Pop Tarts. In a photo taken at a Beverly Hills pool, she resembles a fat Kirstie Alley more than she resembles herself.

5.)               Brangelina’s daughter Vivienne wears lipstick. She’s 3.

6.)               There is a list of 25 stars who are addicted to Facebook. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

7.)               Stars are “just like Us” because they walk their dogs, work out shirtless, and sit front row at NBA games.

8.)               Howard Stern is the latest judge tapped to join America’s Got Talent. Can’t wait to see what he considers “talent.”

9.)               Brad Paisley’s marriage advice is this: “Pick the right person.” Thanks for that, Brad. Very helpful.

10.)           Katy Perry is “secretly” texting back and forth with Robert Pattinson of “Twilight” fame. But since Us is reporting it, the secret is out!

11.)           Scarlett Johansson is no longer speaking to her ex, Ryan Reynolds, because he’s dating Blake Lively and she wanted to reconcile. The lesson to learn from this is when you don’t get your way, give ‘em the silent treatment.

12.)           The headline of the Snooki pregnancy story is “We’re not going to screw this up.” Um…too late! And apparently 19% of Us Weekly readers are brain dead after having told Us Weekly that they think Snooki will be a good mom. In a little pregnancy quiz, Snooks admitted to thinking you only need to feed a newborn four times a day. Maybe she wants an anorexic infant. Morning sickness also apparently mirrors hangover symptoms.

13.)           Bachelor Ben, clearly the ugliest of the Bachelors, lied to bitchy Courtney about seeing other people. Since I know all I need to know about The Bachelor by reading Us Weekly, I’d say she deserves it.

14.)           Lindsay Lohan is taking her comeback seriously by getting enough facial injections and fillers to make her look old enough to have a daughter her age. A walking “don’t do drugs, kids” ad.

15.)           There’s something here about a Teen Mom, but I don’t care enough to read it.

16.)           You can enter to win an Oscar “look” through an Us Weekly contest. The problem is, all the “looks” are cheap rip-offs of ugly dresses.

17.)           My favorite ad in this week’s issue is for “Smart Weight Loss,” which is sponsored by “TV Weight Loss Authority” Bob Harper. Unfortunately, this “smart” weight loss concept involves pills, rather than diet and exercise.

18.)           Lastly, the Fashion Police feature focuses on slits that go to far. Among the photos is “the master” Angelina Jolie, whose right leg got itself a Twitter account after this year’s Oscars. Only a few of the slits pictured were high enough to make a person do a double take to get a glimpse of hoo-hah.

Here she is again, the conniving little bitch.

The cover story this week is The Bachelor. Again. That and so much more is what YOU will learn after I take you from Bachelor cover to Gucci ad cover through this week’s Us Weekly.

1.)                There is a list of 25 stars who Google themselves. Why they would own up to this is beyond me, but I imagine there are about 25,000 more who didn’t admit they do the same thing.

2.)                Photo bombs – celebrities do them, too. And they’re pretty funny.

3.)                Khloe Kardashian is the master of the duck face.

4.)                Stars are JUST LIKE US! Because they do mundane things too, like wait for the subway, check their cell phones during manicures, and go to spin class. Of course I don’t do any of those things, so celebrities are not like me at all!

5.)                Jennifer Lopez did not meet her current hunky squeeze on J-Date.

6.)                Kobe Bryant made a huge mistake when he failed to have soon-to-be-ex-wife Vanessa sign a pre-nup, then proceed to blatantly cheat on her. Whoops!

7.)                Jenny McCarthy is starring in another TV show named after her. But The Jenny McCarthy Show will be airing on VH1, so no one will watch it.

8.)                Madonna desperately wanted to meet 25-year-old New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. He was reluctant, likely because she’s kind of a bitch and a cradle robber to boot. But her people claim she only wanted to meet him so he could teach her how to salsa dance. Hmmmmm…..

9.)                Je ne give a damn pas about Le Bachelor. But apparently that evil bitch girl (the kind that’s in every season) will win, the relationship will fail, and we’ll have to deal with it all over again when it returns for season 3,243. But that poor evil bitch girl is just misunderstood. So say her friends, who believe she’s just exerting her sense of humor when she calls the other girls fat and ugly.

10.)            Bobbi Kristina Houston Brown is struggling with her mother’s tragic death from a drug overdose by doing the obvious – abusing drugs.

11.)            Rihanna is dealing with the long-term effects of her beating at the hands of Chris Brown by doing the obvious – getting back together with him.

12.)            Apparently, there are “burning questions” out there about The Voice (another reality show I don’t watch). Among these awe-inspiring questions is “Do the chairs ever break?”

13.)            There are a lot of sexy men on the third reality show featured in this issue that I don’t watch – Survivor. So I just looked at the pictures and skipped the bios, like any self-respecting woman would do.

14.)            Courteney Cox lets her 7-year-old daughter watch Cougar Town.

15.)            Red lace dresses are all the rage because three B-list celebs were photographed wearing them. Go get yours NOW!

16.)            Eyelash extensions are the latest trend. They’re only $100 per application and last up to three weeks. It’s time for me to go make my cardboard sign and stand on a street corner begging for money so I can afford to do this very important beauty thing.

17.)            Wanna know what the stars did to prep for the Oscars? Yeah, me neither.

Thanks for reading, Us fans! Until next week….

So Whitney Houston died. But I didn’t need Us Weekly to learn that and neither did you. Here’s a little about what I did learn…

1.)               If Britney Spears were not a pop superstar, she says she’d probably be a teacher of reading and history. Finally, something to make me grateful Britney Spears is a pop superstar.

2.)               There is a show called Dance Moms. And the dances they make their children perform have been about themes such as birth and murder. I wish these dance moms had never been born so I wouldn’t feel the urge to want to murder them.

3.)               Kelly Ripa used to do stand-up comedy.

4.)               Macauley Culkin isn’t looking so good these days.

There are no words for this.

5.)               There were some really ugly dresses at the Grammys. Did anyone see that confection Fergie was wearing?? It looked like grandma crocheted her a dress, then forgot to mention she should wear something underneath it besides just a bra and granny panties.

6.)               Jessica Simpson is very pregnant and still very much in need of a stylist.

7.)               Bangs are where it’s at, ladies! Get thee to a hairstylist STAT!

8.)               In the requisite Brangelina story, they say they want to adopt more children. This is not news.

9.)               Tim McGraw and Faith Hill say their marriage works because of the words, “Yes, ma’am,” and “you’re right.” You’re right. I hate being called ma’am.

10.)           Chris Brown may be an even bigger jackass now that he has a Grammy than he was when he beat up Rihanna.

11.)           Sophia Bush needs to stop dating her “One Tree Hill” co-stars if she ever wants a lasting relationship. She’s already made her way through three of them.

12.)           Randy Travis was arrested for public drunkenness outside a CHURCH. Must’ve been some communion!

13.)           Whitney, like Michael Jackson before her, was a perfectly big joke (much due to her drug addiction and marriage to Bobby Brown) until she died. Now that she’s gone, she’s known as the greatest thing to happen to R&B music. Maybe if that’s how she felt when she was living, she wouldn’t have made such poor choices, but such is the nature of self-destructive talents.

14.)           Kim Kardashian is reportedly back with Reggie Bush. I suppose it’s okay that she’s moved on so quickly after her divorce because she waited longer than the length of her marriage.

15.)           Val Kilmer and Kelly McGillis have clearly seen better days. Who knew these Top Gun hotties would turn into such ugly middle-aged people??

16.)           Beyonce had a baby and if I’m to be led by what I’ve read in the press, this child is the second coming.

17.)           OMG! What are super best friends Brad Pitt and George Clooney going to DO when they’re both nominated for the same Oscar?

18.)           Fuchsia is the new black.

19.)           Celebrities EXERCISE to stay in shape. Don’t they know how crazy that sounds?

20.)           Fuchsia is now the old black. Dressing like a cheap whore is the new black.

Is this not scarier than Tim's movies?

You know what’s scary? Tim Burton. You know what’s scarier? A picture of Tim Burton sledding with his children. He looks like Albert Einstein with a dye job and is what inspired me to choose this week’s issue of People to blog about (or “about which to blog” for my grammar friends).

One thing I’ve learned by reading any magazine ever printed in recent weeks (as well as watching NBC for 30 seconds or more) is that I HATE “SMASH.” Don’t take this to mean I’ve watched it. I haven’t. I refuse to. Because of all this annoying heavy promotion. If it weren’t for a friend of a friend being the assistant choreographer on Smash, I would wish it a quick and painful death.

Sinead O’Connor says she “was falling apart” when she was feeling suicidal while tweeting. Do NOT tweet that you’re suicidal unless you’re only trying to get attention and really aren’t suicidal at all. There are so many other things that make Sinead a total whackjob, but neither of us has time to go into all of them.

People thinks it has the solution for how to rescue The Bachelor. I feel about The Bachelor the way I feel about Smash. It makes me suicidal and in the mood for Twitter.

There’s a story about how Demi Moore’s kids are coping with her problems was not informative at all. I still don’t feel like I know how they’re coping and that makes me sad. Not quite suicidal, though.

Ray Romano talks about “how we beat cancer.” But he didn’t technically do the beating. His wife did. So taking credit for something like this is pretty annoying. It’s like when guys say, “We’re pregnant!” No, YOU’RE not. SHE is. Shut the hell up. Don’t MAKE me all suicidal and shit.

Oooh! Six new breeds will make debuts at the WKC Dog Show! The only breed in English is the American English Coonhound. The rest were all foreign weird names that I won’t even pretend to spell or pronounce. But this news makes me want to LIVE. And tweet about it.

Look at these headlines! Can I possibly ignore the story about this bitch?

Another issue with The Bachelor on the cover (Headline: “The Bachelor MANEATER. She’s worse than you think.”) Looks like I’ll be learning more than I care to with this week’s Us Weekly.

1.)               Stacy Keibler is pictured in a lot of pretty dresses. No one cared much about her before, but you date one mega-celebrity (George Clooney) and suddenly you start to matter, I guess.

2.)               IT’S OVER between Chord Overstreet and Emma Roberts. Don’t know who they are? Let me introduce you to my friend Google.

3.)               Celebrities are introducing us to the next big trend – “frumpy jeans.”  Goodie.

4.)               Reese Witherspoon has a sense of humor. When asked about Justin Bieber’s desire to star in a remake of her 1996 film “Fear,” she said, “Would he be playing me or Mark Wahlberg?”

5.)               There are at least 25 stars out there who haven’t hosted SNL. Maybe because Alec Baldwin keeps hogging all the openings.

6.)               Celebrities *gasp* KISS THEIR CHILDREN!  In PUBLIC! Disgusting! They also go fishing, sledding, use their iPads, carry garment bags, and dance. These things are what makes them “just like US.”  Barf.

7.)               Taylor Swift can’t seem to hang on to a boyfriend. Her latest relationship “sparked, but fizzled fast.” Poor kid.

8.)               Best headline of the issue: Zac Holds Lily’s Hand. It refers to Zac Efron and Lily Collins, who entered a restaurant HOLDING HANDS. Oh. Em. Gee. This means they’re totally going steady, right?

9.)               LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian went to church. Katherine McPhee and her husband celebrated an anniversary. These things are NEWS!

10.)           I refuse to read the cover story about that man-eater Courtney on The Bachelor. I can’t believe this show is still on the air. But an interesting tidbit is that the mean girl once dated Reese Witherspoon’s husband. Herrmm.

11.)           Ashton Kutcher is to blame for Demi’s poor life choices.

12.)           Another Teen Mom is single again after her boyfriend dumped her. I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that teen moms can’t have normal healthy relationships.

13.)           Duchess Kate is reportedly “royally alone” now that Wills has gone off on some military mission. Poor princess will have to spend Valentine’s Day all by herself.

14.)           In a fun game, I’ve been charged with identifying which “celeb” is wearing the knockoff gown. My guess is always the B-List star, who is pictured next to an A-Lister in a very similar gown. Go figure. I was RIGHT!

15.)           A Biggest Loser contestant almost DIED. But it was due to a fall, not from being an enormous walking heart attack.

16.)           Oscar nominees talk about their embarrassing past roles. Among them – George Clooney’s cameo on The Golden Girls. SWEET!

17.)           Madonna still gets stage fright. I got stage fright getting ready to watch Madonna on stage at the Super Bowl.

18.)           After reading all the sub-headlines about the Bachelor man-eater, I may have to read that story after all. *sigh* How can I pass up a story about “catty insults, heavy drinking, and shocking nudity?” Wait. This story runs during every season of The Bachelor.

This is my depiction of Demi Moore spiraling out of control.

As it turns out, you’re never too old to get high from nitrous. This is the most important thing I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)               There’s a raging two-faced bitch on The Bachelor. I, for one, am shocked. This show usually only attracts sweet innocent women looking for love. Right?

2.)               Tim Gunn has gone 29 years without sex. This is more than I ever cared to know about Tim Gunn.

3.)               Apparently, Pat Sajak and Vanna White used to go get totally smashed on margaritas before filming Wheel of Fortune. I completely respect this.

4.)               Ladies wear fancy dresses to awards shows. Most of them are dreadful.

5.)               Michael Jackson got a posthumous cement handprint in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. They did not use his actual hand.

6.)               Tom Cruise took Suri to Disneyland and probably gave the little brat everything she wanted. I’m surprised they didn’t ask the park to close to the public for this father-daughter outing.

7.)               In “It Must Be True Because I Read It In Us Weekly” news, Jennifer Aniston and her hot BF Justin Theroux are trying for a baby. This information comes directly from the mouth of “a source.”

8.)               Guys! Guys! Keira Knightley has sworn off dating actors. This means you finally have a chance!

9.)               Star Jones is returning to The View. They’re letting her back on for one day to talk about heart disease prevention. One way to prevent heart disease is not to allow yourself to balloon up to 300 pounds, then deny you’ve had surgery when you magically lose 100 pounds in a month.

10.)           “Seal won’t shut up,” according to Heidi Klum, who is reportedly pissed that Seal is making the talk show rounds while her “sources” reported that she publicly announced the breakup to teach him a lesson.

11.)           COVER STORY: Demi Moore is spiraling out of control because she tried to get high in the way 12 year olds do at slumber parties. Jeeze, one little can of whipped cream and a trip to the hospital sure makes people start drawing strange conclusions.

12.)           A Teen Mom couple is getting MARRIED! And he is described as the “Groomzilla.”

13.)           Who doesn’t love Downton Abbey? Us Weekly has printed a list of 25 celebrities who watch the show. And I’ve heard of two-thirds of them!

14.)           Snooki missed a Valentine’s Day date because of a hangover. I, for one, am SHOCKED by this news. Snooki actually had a date??

15.)           Spinning classes are the latest Hollywood trend. I don’t know where Hollywood has been until now, since spinning is just riding a stationary bike and that’s been done for years.

16.)           1983 is BACK, people! Purple eye shadow is where it’s at, making me feel like I’m in 7^th grade all over again.

17.)           Yes, there was a “story,” made up entirely of pictures and captions, on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They don’t even have to do anything but exist.

18.)           There was a similar story about Prince William and Duchess Kate.

19.)           Stars go out with their children. It must be really hard to break into the nanny business with all this parenting going on.

20.)           Speaking of parenting, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are “co-parenting.” Which is usually what parents do, right? Right???

Stay tuned for next week when Ally Sheedy gets caught drinking too much Robotussin.

Welcome to my new feature – a blog about the stupid shit that is printed in People Weekly. Ah, but it’s People, so it will also include heartwarming stories about heroism while The Bachelor is on the cover. I would like to give mad props to my friend Sarah for coming up with the title of this new feature. So, without further adieu….

1.)          The inspiration for this new SusieWorld feature is the cover story about Heidi Klum and Seal’s breakup. People implied that, while the couple was informing their children of the sad news, the rest of the world was learning to cope with it, too. Because, yeah. Millions of complete strangers are just as affected by this as the COUPLE’S OWN CHILDREN. Totally. Oh, also I learned that Seal’s facial scars are the result of a childhood case of lupus.

2.)          Holy crap! Angelina Jolie is photographed out with her kids AGAIN! You’d think all she EVER does is be with her children based on the coverage of her being with her children. Oh, wait. She’s a mother. She probably enjoys spending time with her children.

3.)          Rihanna really likes paddle boarding. People enjoys running pictures of her on a paddle board in the least amount of clothing possible. Also, Rihanna enjoys wearing thong bikinis. But I learned that in Us. OOPS! Cheating!

4.)          Tim Roth, Willem Dafoe, Adrien Brody, and Gary Oldman walked the runway for Prada during Men’s Fashion Week. I had no idea there WAS a Men’s Fashion Week. Brody looked like Alan Cumming in his pic, but the rest looked pretty decent.

5.)          Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are “a world apart.” If that means he’s on another planet, I will go there. And I want to be the first human to be introduced to Johnny on another planet. If People is just referring to the moon, well, Newt Gingrich has plans for timeshares up there, so I’m not interested.

6.)          Jay-Z and Warren Buffett are totally tight. It’s a bromance. You can tell by the hand gestures Buffett makes in the photos.

7.)          Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s daughter Bella has met a very nice Scientology boy.

8.)          Jim Carrey’s daughter, Jane, auditioned for American Idol and OMG! SHE WENT TO HOLLYWOOD! Not that it’s a big deal since she probably grew up there.

9.)          Cindy Crawford’s 10-year-old daughter Kaia is getting into modeling. She’s stunning! But looks just like her mother, which means she looks 30.

10.)      Kelly Preston is a walking miracle. She had a baby at 48 and promptly lost all the baby weight. Maybe there IS something to this Scientology bullshit!

11.)      Joe Paterno died. It’s sad for Penn State fans. As to the Sandusky scandal, it was only mentioned as a “complicated legacy.”

12.)      HOLY FRIJOLES! Elizabeth Smart is engaged! You may remember this sweet Mormon girl as the long-time victim of kidnappers who survived and was reunited with her family. Now 24, there is nothing to report on the engagement story because Smart values her privacy. Yet, People managed to pull together one really long two-column paragraph about it.

13.)      Drew Barrymore is engaged and maybe this one will stick.

14.)      Gabrielle Giffords’ decision to leave Congress after surviving being shot in the head managed to get a tiny story on the page about births and deaths and court cases in celeb-land.

15.)      The captain of the Italian cruise ship that sank is a giant jackass.

16.)      “Fracking.” Have you heard of it? I have. I wrote a story about it. It’s the scary/dangerous act of “digging” for natural gas. And there’s a town in Pennsylvania where the flippin’ water catches on FIRE coming out of the tap as a result of fracking. HOLY WATER ON FIRE, BATMAN!

17.)      A teacher in Montana has disappeared. She has not been found, yet two arrests have been made in the case. I’m baffled. Saddened by her disappearance, but baffled that arrests could be made on kidnapping charges without probable cause. At least none that I could find in the story. So much for presumed innocence until proven guilty.

18.)      Christina Ricci was the theme of the People Weekly crossword puzzle.

19.)      Adele, for all her amazing talent, is one humble chick.

20.)      Things Kanye West has actually said regarding the Grammys:

a.)          Everybody wants to know what I would do if I didn’t win. I guess we’ll never know.

b.)         I’ve been working on this thing they told me about – humbleness. Humility. I don’t like it.

c.)          Whenever you say, “I want to be Elvis,” they say, “What’s wrong with you?” But I want to be Elvis.

21.)      Taylor Swift got to meet Paul McCartney. I guess Paul will meet nearly anyone these days, so why not me?

This man is a genius.

Comments welcome! What’s your favorite Paul McCartney/Beatles song? Mine for solo Paul is “Maybe I’m Amazed.” My Beatles Paul fave is probably Eleanor Rigby, but there are too many to choose from.

I have to come to grips with the following excerpt that was part of People Weekly’s cover story on the Heidi Klum/Seal breakup.

“While Klum and Seal (born Seal-henry Samuel) took great pains to help their four children – Leni, 7, Henry, 6, Johan, 5, and Lou, 2 – process the news at their L.A. home over the weekend, the rest of the world struggled to come to grips as well.”

This poor woman is just finding out about the tragedy that is the Klum/Seal breakup.

Clearly, the rest of the world’s investment in this relationship is just as strong as the couple’s children’s!! I had no idea I had to come to grips with the end of this relationship, so pardon me while I grab my tissues.

As a result of this bold statement by People reporters, I am now determined to give their magazine the attention it deserves by making fun of it in semi-weekly blogs.

I made this picture huge so you can see the war wounds on Seal's face.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are out with the kids. Again. Angie was teaching the kids about all the wonderful things you can get at the farmer’s market. Fascinating! This – and much, much more – is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)               The cover, as you might guess, is a giant picture of Heidi Klum and Seal. When a picture of Seal is that big you can really see that it looks as though he was blown up in a war. The headline is “Heidi’s Private Hell.” Maybe her hell was having to look at those scars every day and imagine the trauma he must have sustained to get them. Apparently, the happy marriage and amazing sex she spent years making public was all a sham. I don’t see how that can really be true since she gave birth to three of his children, but it’s in Us Weekly, so it must be true. According to one of those unnamed sources, “They were so in love! But a lot happened behind the scenes. He’s a very tough guy in a lot of ways.” He was apparently jealous of her success. BFD!

2.)               Also on the cover is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ own Taylor Armstrong, who talks about her memoir in which she claims her dead husband Russell tried to kill her. Honestly, I can’t make fun of this because spousal abuse and suicide are no laughing matter. But I bet Russell’s family is PISSED. Meanwhile, RHOBH housewife and glorious train wreck Kim Richards is still out of rehab. Not sure if she’s still sober. Since she’s been in rehab a handful of times already, I have a feeling a return visit is in her future. I hope it doesn’t take, because she’s much more entertaining when she’s denying she’s on something than when she’s not actually on something.

3.)               Did a baby save Kristin Cavillari’s engagement? There’s nothing like getting knocked up to keep a man. Especially if you’re a classy broad like Kristin, a rich bitch MTV reality superstar not quite on the Kardashian level. Now she’s become one of those horrible people who are famous for no reason and dating a football player. Poor Jay Cutler. He should have used a condom.

4.)               “Bachelor Ben” has reportedly falling into “Courtney’s Web of Deceit.” I positively abhor the entire “Bachelor” franchise, but this headline is too fascinating to skip reading the story. Courtney is the “meanest contestant ever?” Yeah. It’s a question posed by Us Weekly. Obviously, I don’t watch the show, so I have nothing to compare her to. But she sounds like just another catty bitch snarking about all the other girls while being desperate enough herself to land a husband on TV. ‘Cause THAT always works. Look at the success record of The Bachelor. Not one marriage that has lasted, if one ever happened at all.

5.)               You might want to sit down for this one. Snooki is actually a pretty girl when she doesn’t pile on the makeup.

6.)               Another classic headline: “A ’16 and Pregnant’ Star’s Big Regrets.” I’d imagine she’d only have one – getting pregnant at 16.

7.)               OMG, Mariah Carey! Please get a stylist who isn’t blind and start dressing like you’re not 23 anymore. You’re just gross. That is all.

8.)               Prince William is going to take a “scary trip” that will keep him away from the little woman for SIX WHOLE WEEKS. I don’t know if that’s the part about the trip that makes it so scary, though.

9.)               Katie Couric and Drake are Twitter friends. So are Ashton Kutcher and Michelle Obama, and, creepiest of all, Charlie Sheen and Miley Cyrus.

10.)           Last, but certainly not least, Mark Wahlberg, 40, told Men’s Journal that he would have prevented 9/11 if he were on one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center. Apparently, he was booked on one of the flights and changed his plans at the last minute. I will not make light of 9/11, but he actually said this: “[If I were on the plane], it wouldn’t have gone down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in the first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely.’” Then people got pissed off and he took it all back.

Until next week….don’t get pregnant at 16 to save your engagement to a guy you met on reality television who beats you because you dress too young for your age and body type, then go on a scary trip with Charlie Sheen. And, most importantly, don’t go bragging to the press about a perfect marriage when you’re secretly really unhappy. It just makes you look foolish.