susieworld

She may be the closest thing to a “housewife” Bravo has ever seen, since she doesn’t have nannies to help with her four kids, but Teresa Giudice also fits the Bravo requirements of being a money-grubbing bitch!

Hello, again, dear readers and/or enablers! This week’s Us Weekly is all about the Real Housewives of New Jersey, my favorite train wreck. Well, it’s not ALL about them. It’s about some of this other stuff, too.

1.)             Sofia Vergara of “Modern Family” fame has ended her four-year relationship with her boyfriend. As usual, the cause is her rising stardom. Some people just can’t handle success when it’s not their own.

2.)             John Travolta, as you may have heard, is making the gossip rounds by allegedly being a closeted bi-sexual. Several male massage therapists have made claims that he offered them money for a little honey. The latest is a cruise ship employee, who claims Travolta offered him $12,000 for sex in 2009. He’s apparently a serial groper, too. And rumor has it, Jeff Conaway (Johnny’s “Grease” co-star) stopped speaking to the actor following a similar experience. Travolta’s publicist says he will be just fine despite the slew of accusations. Possibly because I’m sure there are a lot of male masseurs out there who would gladly take him up on his offer.

3.)             Nicole Kidman isn’t very tight with her kids from her marriage to Tom Cruise. I imagine it’s because Nic isn’t wrapped up in the psychobabble that is Scientology.

4.)             Megan Fox thinks she’s a doppelganger for Alan Alda, while Michelle Pheiffer thinks she looks like Howard the Duck.

5.)             No one wants The Bachelor host Chris Harrison to be the next bachelor following his split from his wife. No one except me, I guess. I’d actually WATCH the show to see the host on the other side of the roses.

6.)             TheJerseyShorecast is quite certain they will soon have another cast member soon – in the form of Snooki’s spawn. Cast member Vinny Guadagnino says the baby isn’t kicking inside the womb, it’s fist-pumping. I’m scared!

7.)             Johnny Depp recently refused to dance during an appearance on Ellen. “When I’m doing the film and it’s choreographed and you’re in character, it’s all right. But in life, I’d rather swallow a bag of hair.” I completely see his point.

8.)             Duchess Kate is looking lovely as always. And, as always, there’s no “story” to go with the pictures.

9.)             Celebrity moms actually spend time with their kids! The way Us Weekly depicts this, you’d think it an anomaly.

10.)       Lisa Rinna does not look good in a bikini. Her stomach resembles Madonna’s arms. Nasty!

11.)       Four pages of photos of the Met Gala inNew Yorkand I can’t find a single person dressed tastefully.

12.)       No trouble in paradise. Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still dating. No story in paradise either.

13.)       Drew Barrymore isn’t letting her pregnancy slow her down when it comes to wedding planning. “The wedding is going to have a very ethereal vibe,” says an “insider.”  Cameron Diaz is said to be one of the bridesmaids.

14.)       No pressure! Nick Cannon says he wants his 1-year-old twins to be doctors and Mariah Carey wants them to be singers. Personally, I hope they become plumbers. There’s good money in that!

15.)       “Modern Family” star Sarah Hyland recently underwent a kidney transplant. The donor was her dear ol’ dad.

16.)       Sean Bean was arrested for allegedly harassing his ex-wife. Can anyone tell me who Sean Bean is?

17.)       Oh, good. This will certainly be great for her recovery from the tragic death of her mother earlier this year. Bobbi Kristina Brown and her extendedHoustonfamily will star in a new reality show. Because we all know what a positive impact reality shows have on families. Lifetime has just ordered 10 episodes of “The Houston Family Chronicles,” which will follow the lives Whitney’s relatives.

18.)       Meanwhile, The X Factor is slumming again. In what seems like minutes after they announced Britney Spears will be the latest new judge, they also hired on Demi Lovato, 19, to come on board. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Demi will have an on-screen meltdown, as she underwent treatment at “an undisclosed location” for completely losing it and claiming exhaustion. Or was it acid reflux? That seems to be the other go-to excuse for bad behavior.

19.)       Richie Sambora’s daughter just LOVES Denise Richards. Ava Sambora is also the daughter of Heather Locklear and says she would love it if her dad and Denise would get married. Something tells me mama isn’t going to be pleased reading about this in Us Weekly.

20.)       Nikki Reed is easy to please. She says her favorite moment with boyfriend and former American Idol contestant Paul McDonald was “in the back of our pickup with our dog, some sleeping bags, his guitar, and two Coronas.” Ooh! White trash kinky!

21.)       Reese Witherspoon may beAmerica’s Sweetheart, but her daddy is a little freaky-deaky. He’s embroiled in a bigamy scandal after Reese’s mother filed suit against him. Reese’s mom claims 70-year-old John Witherspoon married another woman while still married to her. But in her divorce case, she cited his “alcoholism, infidelity, overspending, and hoarding.” This guy is just LOADED with positive traits! And now he claims he has no idea who this second wife is, but the family claims he is suffering from early onset dementia. Finally! Someone who makes me feel like my crazy family is somewhat normal!

22.)       In Brangelina news, Brad and Angie are shelling out $24,000/month for a mansion inSurrey,England. They’re probably renting so they don’t have to deal with the hassles of homeownership, like having to repair the disposal or something. This way, they’ll only likely pay $5K for a plumber to take care of it for them.

23.)       ESPN hottie Erin Andrews is being pursued by a stalker again. Okay, maybe not quite a stalker. Just Chace Crawford from “Gossip Girl.”

24.)       Nick and Vanessa Lachey were spotted eating pizza.

25.)       Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is the cover star of this week’s issue and if you don’t watch her show, you’re a better person than I. Her husband is a total slimeball who breaks the law and verbally abuses “Tre” and their four daughters. But Teresa is making the best of a bad situation – by talking to every gossip rag that will listen to her side of the story. The woman may be one of the biggest morons to roam the planet, but her lack of brain cells hasn’t hurt her ability to profit from family drama, much of which she herself has caused by badmouthing everyone, then making excuses for her rotten behavior. This is great TV, people!

26.)       Kourtney Kardashian had an unnecessary baby shower. The girl is filthy rich for no good reason and this is her second child, but she’s happy to accept overpriced gifts from her pseudo-celeb friends and family anyway.

27.)       In news no one cares about, three American Idol finalists each share 25 things we don’t know about them. In my case, there’re a lot more than 25 things I don’t know about them, but I was positively FASCINATED to learn that Joshua Ledet is terrified of feathers and that there is a contestant named Phillip Phillips.

28.)       Katherine Heigl has been an outspoken critic about herHollywoodprojects, which has resulted in people turning their back on her professionally. But she is still clinging to the spotlight by sharing news on her second adoption. I’m happy for her, even though I think she’s kind of a bitch.

29.)       “Battleship” is much more than a movie loosely based on a board game. It’s the inspiration for the uninspired to make MORE movies about board games. (I hear “Candyland” is in the works – cereally!) But model/actress Brooklyn Decker is very excited to be a part of such a ridiculous project because she got to use a gun that isn’t even allowed in theUnited States. But most importantly, Decker talks about co-star Rihanna’s ass. “We decided that I’m going to borrow her butt for a day – and she’s going to borrow my breasts.” Can’t wait for the Us Weekly scoop on that procedure!

30.)       Johnny Depp (swoon!) loved playing Barnabas Collins in “Dark Shadows,” a movie based on a decades-old soap opera of sorts. Because the role required he wear “razor-sharp talons,” he commended the crew for being there in his times of need: “Luckily, I had a troupe of people who helped me go to the bathroom!” Johnny also puts Robert Pattinson (of Twilight, for those who live under a rock) in his place. “There’s room for two vampires on this block,” he said, “as long as (Robert) remembers I’m the alpha!” Again, SWOON!

31.)       You can buy an iPhone case that looks like brass knuckles for a mere $99.

32.)       Sacha Baron Cohen may not make the best movies, but he has his hilarious moments. In character as The Dictator, he says, “I’ve made love to Britney Spears, Beyonce, and Kim Kardashian – and they never get away. There is no escape from the desert. Within hours, they shrivel up and look like a mug shot of Lindsay Lohan.”

33.)       Retro swimsuits are making a comeback. Now if only the retro female body type (you know – the one with CURVES) would come back as well, I’d be a happy camper.

34.)       Pick up this week’s issue if you want to learn to tweeze your eyebrows to look like the stars. But not one of the stars pictured is Jennifer Connelly, who could seriously use a tweeze.

35.)       John Mayer has a new album out. Just when I was getting used to not hearing about his exploits anymore.

36.)       I think I’ve finally found a reason to watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians!” In the new season, Khloe confronts Kris about rumors that she is illegitimate. She doesn’t look much like her sisters or Robert Kardashian, so let’s get that DNA test done, shall we?

37.)       Lady Gaga is the latest celebrity to make an appearance on The Simpsons. Her episode, in which she gives pep-talks to kids with low self-esteem and FLIRTS WITH MARGE, aired May 20. I missed it, so thank goodness for the DVR.

38.)       You can’t get through an issue of Us Weekly without seeing an ad for diet pills disguised as a news article. In this issue, the advertisers actually admit that consumers are excited, but experts are concerned. “They’re flying off the shelf, but they’re not for everyone.” Interesting way of marketing your product, makers of TriAdalean.

39.)       Christina Ricci must have just received a new car as a gift and used the giant bow on the back of her dress.

40.)       The latest in fashion? Skeleton-inspired clothing. Us Weekly calls the celebs who wear this crap “freaky fashion cadavers.” One can only hope someday that will be the literal truth.

Wow! I can’t believe how much I learned this week! I hope you learned a little something, too. Let’s have a conversation! Tell me about the best thing you learned from this week’s Us Weekly! And keep on slummin’ by reading my blog!

According to a competing blog, which pales in comparison to this one, Us Weekly totally thought Jessica Simpson would hate her baby.

I’m back from Hawaii and very well rested. One thing I learned while in paradise is that my 5-year-old niece, Faith, has good taste. As soon as I was finished with last week’s Us Weekly, she took a pair of scissors to it and immediately cut out the picture of Johnny Depp dressed as Tonto for the upcoming Lone Ranger film. Atta girl, Faith! You may only be in kindergarten, but you already know what’s hot. Now, onto what I learned in THIS week’s issue of Us Weekly.

1.)                Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor, could be up for the starring role in the stupid matchmaking series soon. He will be a bachelor again himself once his divorce from his wife of 18 years.

2.)                Demi Moore has officially ended her marriage on Twitter. She changed her handle from @MrsKutcher to @JustDemi.

3.)                Former Real Housewife of New York Jill Zarin is causing problems even after being kicked off the show. Now, she’s jealous that Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump’s dog Giggy is getting more press than Zarin’sChihuahua, Ginger.

4.)                Mediocre band The Wanted is making some unwanted comments about other more-popular pseudo-musicians. They badmouthed Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, and Christina Aguilera.

5.)                Modern Family star Sofia Vergara makes $65,000 per episode, while Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino makes $100K for each episode ofJerseyShore. Something is seriously wrong here. Maybe The Situation will be forced to take a pay cut now that he’s been to rehab.

6.)                I may be one of the few Us Weekly readers who know a good vampire when I see one. In the Us Weekly poll, readers prefer Twilight’s Robert Pattinson to Vampire Diaries’ Ian Somerhalder. I’m wondering if these people even have eyes.

7.)                Debra Messing on her divorce: “Now we’re living to 100. A hundred years ago people were dying at age 37. ‘Til death do us part’ was a much different deal.”

8.)                Alec Baldwin is multi-talented. He can ride a bike and talk on his cell phone AT THE SAME TIME!

9.)                Gisele Bundchen says her modeling career doesn’t define her. I’m wondering what does, then.

10.)            More stars are “Just Like Us” because they eat frozen yogurt, take out the trash, and buy vitamin water in bulk. I’d better start doing these things more often if I ever want to make it in show business.

11.)            Beyonce wore some strategically-placed lace to the Met Ball in NYC, yet her ass managed to hang out anyway.

12.)            Wanna smell like skank? Then get your Kardashian-sized ass to the internets to buy Kim’s latest fragrance!

13.)            Matthew Fox is the latest Lost star to get nabbed for DUI. He decided to wait until the series finished filming to be stupid, unlike three of his former co-stars.

14.)            A bunch of people I’ve never heard of have gotten married. And a few people I have heard of are planning to walk down the aisle, including cell phone biker Alec Baldwin.

15.)            A Teen Mom star got a boob job for her boyfriend. She also got pregnant for him, but that was a big OOPS!

16.)            Christina Aguilera is feuding with Adam Levine on The Voice. Levine pushed his protégé to sing “99 Problems,” which contains the lyric “I’ve got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one.” Christina assumed the song was about her and given her propensity to think everything is about her, she may be right.

17.)            Kim K and Kanye West are talking marriage! Well, not talking, exactly. Kanye is merely rapping about it.

18.)            Beyonce had a stage built in her NYC penthouse apartment.

19.)            Russell Brand was spotted drinking water!!!!!!!

20.)            Jessica Simpson finally gave birth to a daughter she named Maxwell. And she has a crystal chandelier hanging in the nursery. Seriously, can’t these people consider donating a little money to a worthy cause rather than blowing it on stupid shit?

21.)            I think the most embarrassing thing about me is my addiction to the Real Housewives franchise. When it comes to theNew Jerseytrainwreck, I’m staunchly on Melissa Gorga’s side in her feud with Teresa Guidice, who is completely batshit crazy. And an idiot. But stupidity makes for great TV.

22.)            Adam Yauch, aka the Beastie Boys’ MCA passed away from cancer last week and I am heartbroken. He was by far my favorite Beastie with his deep, raspy voice. It’s too soon for musicians from my generation to be dying!!!

23.)            Us Weekly is once again bragging about how accurate its stories are, despite the frequent use of unnamed sources. In a double-page spread, the mag blasts In Touch and Star for making up stories about Brangelina and J Lo. Of course, Us Weekly is right. Those stories were complete bullshit, but Us is known to take liberties with the truth as well, which is why I love them!

24.)            I am saddened by the fact that a movie just 20 years old is already being remade because Hollywood can’t seem to come up with original ideas anymore. Colin Farrell is the new Schwarzenegger in this year’s version of Total Recall. Meanwhile, over in chick flick land, we have Magic Mike – the story of a male stripper. Something tells me my husband won’t want to join me at the theater for this one.

25.)            Speaking of bad movies, another upcoming film is Battleship, based on the flippin’ BOARD GAME! What’s next? Candyland: The Movie? I think I heard a rumor about that, so it could be happening. I hope they make it a horror film.

26.)            Us Weekly teaches us “how to rock red lips.” Um…I think you do this by wearing red lipstick and not getting it on your teeth.

27.)            The Bachelorette is back and you know what that means! I’ll be learning a lot about it by reading Us Weekly.

Mahalo for reading, ladies and germs! Aloha until next week!

The “news” doesn’t stop when you’re on vacation, so I’m typing this from a beachfront house inKauai. This place is so nice, I feel like one of the celebrities I make fun of! Anyhoo, let’s get on with it.

1.)                Snooki just lost a bunch of weight before getting accidentally knocked up, so now she’s announced she only plans to gain 15 pounds of baby weight. This is stupid because her child will then be born malnourished AND drunk.

2.)                Shhhh! It’s a secret! But Mario Lopez blabbed about it, so I will, too. There are plans for a Dancing with the Stars “All-Star” show with “celebrities” from past seasons competing against each other. But it’s a secret, so you didn’t hear it from me.

3.)                The quote of the issue comes from Blake Shelton: “Grown men who wear skinny jeans may as well put on a T-shirt that says ‘I may not be an organ donor, but y’all can have my testicles!’”

4.)               RickiLakeadmitted she suffered from weird behavior after taking Ambien: “Some people raid the refrigerator, some people have crazy sex and don’t remember it … I signed up for eHarmony.”

5.)                Rihanna went paddle boarding. Again.

6.)                Wills and Kate celebrated their royal anniversary “privately, something low-key at home,” which undoubtedly included mobs of paparazzi.

7.)                Suri Cruise doesn’t drink just any water. The 6-year-old drinks Pellegrino.

8.)                Padma Lakshmi shaved her 2-year-old daughter’s head for a Hindu ceremony.

9.)                Justin Bieber was at the Tribeca Disruptive Innovation Awards. The Biebs’ music is more disruptive than innovative.

10.)            There is nothing anybody can do to make Johnny Depp unattractive. He is pictured shirtless (swoon!) and in face paint for his role in the upcoming Lone Ranger movie.

11.)            Celeb kids love their sunglasses. Among the toddlers looking incognito is 2-year-old Mason Disick (Kourtney Kardashian’s son), who is the only child pictured wearing Ray Bans.

12.)            Patrick Dempsey is the latest celebrity superhero. He rescued a teen that crashed his car into the actor’s front yard inMalibu.

13.)            Former Real Housewife of New York City Kelly Bensimon published her first book, titled “I Can Make You Hot.” I want to slap her upside the face for this.

14.)            Lady Gaga is single again.

15.)            Lindsay Lohan was apparently not-so-gleeful on the set of Glee. I’m shaking my head as to why she was even tapped to be a guest star, but since I’m not in charge of these things, I’ll just report that she was six hours late to shoot her scenes (in which she plays herself) and ran to her trailer frequently. Apparently, she was set to shoot for five days, but they cut it down to two because she’s such a skanky loser.

16.)            Tori Spelling was seen wearing yoga flip-flops while moving out of her mobile home. BREAKING NEWS!!!

17.)            People that had no business being at the White House Correspondents Dinner: Kim Kardashian, Kris Jenner, and Lindsay Lohan, who reportedly texted the whole time.

18.)            Giuliana and Bill Rancic are expecting a baby via surrogate. This pair kind of annoys me, but the news is good, since she recently underwent chemo and they’d been having fertility problems. So, way to go, annoying people! I’m happy for you.

19.)            Khloe & Lamar have decided to do the nation a favor and quit their reality show to focus more on their real life. This is not to say you won’t be seeing these two on TV, since the E! network is essentially owned by Ryan Seacrest and the Kardashians. And I have to say, if I had to choose a favorite Kardashian, it would be Khloe because she’s raunchy and “full-figured.”

20.)            Meanwhile, Kim K and Kanye are talking marriage. No matter that Kim’s 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries hasn’t been finalized yet. It’s so nice to know that young people today think of marriage so seriously and aren’t frivolously running to the altar.

21.)            This has been years in the making and it has finally happened – Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor are BFFs again! Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth have made amends after a feud that started during their days on Beverly Hills 90210 – which was my favorite TV show ever and got me through college. Not all is well in the Zip Code, though. Jennie is still fighting with Tiffani Thiessen and the relationship between Shannen and Tori Spelling is tepid at best.

22.)            Carrie Underwood has a successful marriage. Big whoop.

23.)            Celebs are wearing skinny jeans in every color of the rainbow. They’re pretty ugly jeans. On the bright side, there were no men pictured in neon skinny jeans – not even a Jonas brother.

24.)            The Avengers was released, in case you’ve been living under a rock.

And now I return you to your regularly scheduled programming. I’m off to the beach!

Just when you thought reality TV couldn’t get any worse, I bring you these upcoming shows that unnamed networks have reportedly picked up, according to TV Guide, which I am heavily quoting here.

DOGS IN THE CITY:  A “canine guru” meets with clients who have relationship problems that can all easily be resolved through their dogs. Really? They need to do a show to prove this? All my dog has to do is wag her tail and give kisses to my husband and me to erase our troubles.

TOP BALLLON:  “America’s most talented balloon animal artists compete to uncover who’s got the most twisted skills – and the lungs to match – and who’s just full of hot air.” Here’s hoping one of these clowns can make a lower intestine as well as Steve Martin did in “Parenthood.”

OH SIT!:  A show involving five “physically demanding” rounds of – you guessed it! – musical chairs! The music for this competition will be performed by a live band rather than that old portable record player we’re used to.

ROPE-A-DOPE:  Let’s just call this Extreme Jump Roping. “Contestants double-dutch on top of skyscrapers, on busy street intersections, and at night in dangerous neighborhoods.” If I were at a busy intersection where jump ropers were holding up traffic for a stupid reality show, I’d risk manslaughter charges by running them down with my car.

TEE-PEE TOURNEY: “Teams compete to wrap their rivals’ homes in toilet paper – and not get caught.” I’m guessing the teams will be made up of 12-year-old boys.

HOWIE MANDEL’S WHITE ELEPHANT:  “Mandel asks contestants to pick from a mix of wrapped boxes, some of which contain better prizes than others.” Greed has become the only requirement for today’s “game shows.” Whatever happened to “Fat Fanny was so fat (HOW FAT WAS SHE??).” The Match Game may not have required the intelligence that Jeopardy does, but at least there was a little thought required.

Kinda makes the train wreck that is the Real Housewives franchise look a little more appealing, doesn’t it?

She's certainly beautiful, but the most beautiful woman in the WORLD? Doubtful.

People Weekly didn’t look very far before proclaiming Beyonce to be the most beautiful woman in the world. If they’d named someone outside theU.S., I might be less skeptical of this proclamation. So without further adieu, here is the latest in People, PLEASE!

1.)                As reported previously in Us Weekly, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are stepping out years after playing a couple on “That 70s Show.” People claims this hookup is long overdue, as the pair thought each though the other was “hot” back in the day. But Mila was dating Kevin from Home Alone, the boy perhaps lesser known as Macauley Culkin.

2.)                Megan Fox and hubby Brian Austin Green are expecting! At least that’s what “sources” have confirmed to E! So it must be true.

3.)                The JLo/Marc Anthony divorce isn’t going as smoothly as Jennifer’s segway from husband to much-younger boyfriend.

4.)                In news that will piss you off, Lindsay Lohan has been cast as Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime network movie about the violet-eyed superstar. Methinks LaLiz is rolling over in her grave. Meanwhile, People is asking the public to cast the role of Richard Burton: Russell Crowe, Brendan Coyle (who??), Jamaine Clement (again, who??), or Clive Owen. I can pretty much guarantee that Crowe and Owen will pass on this “opportunity.”

5.)                Katy Perry is “single and loving it.” So much so, she’s already dating another dark-haired Brit.

6.)                Neil Diamond is off the market, ladies! The 71-year-old crooner married 42-year-old Katie McNeil on April 21. It’s his third trip down the aisle.

7.)                Thomas Beatie, known in tabloid mags as “The Pregnant Man,” has separated from his wife and non-parent to the three children to whom he gave birth. He is also officially a man, after having finally undergone gender reassignment surgery.

8.)                In the first “Awwwww” moment of this issue, a 7-year-old girl born without hands has won aPennsylvaniapenmanship award! It appears her hands were partially formed, as she is able to hold a pencil. And the little marvel wants to write books someday. C’mon! Let’s hear it! “AWWWW!!!”

9.)                Anthony Hopkins is playing Alfred Hitchcock in an upcoming biopic about the making of “Psycho.” The makeup people should be up for Oscars, as the similarities between the actor and the famous director are uncanny with the help of a prosthetic double chin and pouty lower lip.

10.)            Desperate Housewives is coming to a close in a few short weeks and People can’t stop talking about what was once a groundbreaking series and is now a tired series past time for retirement.

11.)            TLC, which ironically stands for The Learning Channel, is bringing us an American version of “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.” Not sure what viewers will “learn” from watching this show and I’m not curious enough to find out for myself.

12.)            Betty White, who’s more popular at age 89 than she was in her 1970s heyday, says she stays in shape thanks to “a very bad memory and a two-story house.”

13.)            Lucky item #13 is dedicated to the alleged World’s Most Beautiful Woman, Beyonce, who clearly enjoys talking about herself. One thing I learned in this featurette is that she struggles to stay in shape. Not because she’s fighting to lose baby weight, but because she has “a hard time toning the backs of my shoulders.”

14.)            Julia Roberts says the best compliment she’s ever received was from a junior high classmate who said she could probably fit a popsicle stick in the gap between her front teeth. Alas, the gap disappeared as she got older.

15.)            79 percent of women say they look younger than their actual age and allegedly think about their looks 6 times a day. Men only think about their looks 5 times a day, so there’s a huge gender gap there.

16.)            Kristin Davis, Leslie Bibb, Wendie Malick, Tori Burch, Aisha Tyler, Kelly Preston, and Madeleine Stowe all reportedly look “half their age.” Which means Bibb, for example, looks 19. I respectfully disagree.

17.)            The best part of this issue? The Stars without Makeup section! J’adore seeing beauties displaying their God-given flaws! But one of the ladies featured is the gorgeous Paris Jackson, daughter of the late Michael Jackson, who is only 14 and shouldn’t be wearing a ton of makeup anyway! She’s stunning in the way nature intended her to be.

18.)            In the humor department, there’s a story on “The Beauty of the Photobomb,” in which celebrity co-stars conduct staged photobombs in professional shoots.

19.)            In the second story having nothing to do with being beautiful, Ryan O’Neal talks about his tortured life, most of which was caused by his own actions. Except for the prostate cancer he was recently diagnosed with.

20.)            Dick Clark recently passed away at the ripe old age of 83 and the magazines can’t get enough of the retrospective pieces they’re issuing about him. Mostly pictures, some captions, and a lot of interesting facts about the world’s oldest teenager. As has been said since his passing, the Mayans were right about the world ending in 2012, because without Dick Clark, there will be no New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.

So, wanna feel like one of the world’s most beautiful? Check out this issue to see Julie Bowen from “Modern Family” without makeup. She’s still stunning, but it might make you feel better anyway.

Pippa's tush isn't the only thing making the headlines these days.

Hello Us Weekly faithful! Didja miss me last week? I apologize for having my nose buried in actual books rather than my Us Weekly – especially during a week when there was a ROYAL SCANDAL! So this week, you’re getting a double dose of what I learned reading two weeks worth of Us Weekly garbage … er … news.

1.)                Britney Spears may or may not be the newest judge on X Factor. I don’t know why she’s in such high demand, as her music is so heavily overproduced and I seriously doubt she’s ever had a hand in writing a song. But the powers that be (read: Simon Cowell) seem willing to pay her a reported $16 million for her so-called “expertise.”

2.)                Courtney Love is once again proving she is totally batshit crazy. She took to the Twitterverse to claim that former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters guitarist/singer Dave Grohl made a pass at her 19-year-old estranged daughter Frances Bean Cobain. Grohl denies the allegations andFrancessays, “I have never been approached by Dave in more than a platonic way. Twitter should ban my mother.”

3.)                Melissa Etheridge’s ex-wife Tammy Lynn Michaels is claiming she can’t possibly live on the $23,000 in monthly spousal support she receives from Melissa. She claims she got used to a $128,000/month lifestyle during her nine-year relationship and needs “extensive retraining” to work again.

4.)                President Obama called Kanye West a jackass and I’m inclined to agree.

5.)                In what I can probably deem the scariest news I’ve read in recent weeks, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi of Jersey Shore fame is 5 months pregnant and says, “No I can be a MILF.” Nope. You can have a million babies and still never be a MILF, Snooks.

6.)                The Beastie Boys can hardly be considered “boys” anymore. As much as I adore them, their hard-partying “fight for your right” lifestyles have not done wonders for their aging process. They look like they were ridden hard and put away wet, as the saying goes.

7.)                Serial co-star dater Blake Lively is planning to move in with serial hottie Ryan Reynolds. They’re looking at homes inConnecticut.

8.)                Tom Cruise likes to receive credit for the little things. He installed a smoothie and cappuccino bar on the set of his upcoming film, Oblivion, with a sign reading, “Courtesy of Mr. Tom Cruise.”

9.)                In a tiny little sidebar, Us Weekly ran the news that Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees has pneumonia and is IN A COMA!!! Oh, and Ryan O’Neal has been diagnosed with stage 2 prostate cancer.

10.)            Working for free is becoming a sensation inHollywood. Tina Fey is set to star in “The Intern,” which is about a businesswoman who takes on a senior citizen as an underling. Meanwhile, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are filming “The Internship,” in which they will play unemployed salesmen.

11.)            Oh, Pippa. You have done a grave disservice to the Queen by partying with stupid people. Our dear, sweet Pippa, known for her famous royal bridesmaid’s ass, was in a car with a moronic friend who pulled out a toy gun and aimed it at paparazzi while they were partying inFrance. Now she’s facing questioning by French police and could be convicted of a crime that would send her to prison for seven years! Oops!

12.)            The world is back on its axis. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are engaged.

13.)            Since we can’t have an issue without Kar-trash-ian news, Kim K has been named one of Us Weekly’s Hot Hollywood Style Winners.

14.)            Apparently, Norah Jones (who I’ve met – she’s very sweet!) and Adele are leading parallel lives 10 years apart.

Now! Onto this week’s issue!

1.)    The Bachelor is totally racist! Apparently only white people are desperate enough to go on TV looking for future failed relationships.

2.)   America’s Next Top Model is still on the air. I had no idea. Tyra Banks hasn’t been seen on The Soup since her talk show went off the air, so I had no idea she was still working in TV.

3.)    Some famous ladies just say no to marriage. Except that they’re all married (or getting there) now. Brad Pitt, Joel Madden, James Tupper, and Nick Cannon all reportedly had to ask for their ladies’ (Angelina, Nicole Richie, Anne Heche, and Mariah Carey) hands more than once until they got a yes.

4.)    Sheree Whitfield was dumped from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Well, she quit before she got fired, claiming she was tired of all the drama. Isn’t drama what these ladies sign up for?

5.)    Josh Hutcherson, 18, is Us Weekly’s “Hero of the Week.” And mine, too, even though I’ve never heard of him. He’s one of the stars of the Hunger Games, in case you haven’t heard of him either. Anyhoo… he adopted a sweet little puppy named Driver, who sustained a broken leg and had two missing toes. “Most people want a perfect puppy, but Josh was willing to take on a dog that needs ongoing care,” said a spokeswoman for the rescue group Hands Paws Hearts. Josh, you’re totally a hero!

6.)    John Mayer recorded a bunch of depressing songs for his upcoming album. He must not be getting laid regularly these days.

7.)    In a nonsensical reader poll, a whopping 61% said they’d rather have Justin Timberlake decorate their homes rather than the Kardashians. Why was this poll taken? Because the Kardashians are offering ugly-ass bedding at Sears, while Justin is launching an interiors line through HomeMint.com.

8.)    Katie Couric says, “I can’t run.” Since I, of course, take this literally, I’m imagining her falling every third step. Which causes insane giggles.

9.)    Quotes of the week

a.)   “The dog trainer told me that my dog is insecure. So now every morning I say to her, ‘You is kind. You is smart. You is important.’” –Brittany Snow

b.)   “I was to the point where my UPS man would come in for a beer.” –Anna Faris on her addiction to online shopping.

c.)   “I don’t like when I see guys do too much hair gel. But I don’t mean Pauly D, because that’s basically performance art.”  –Justin Timberlake

d.)   “My feet are homesick.”  –Jessica Simpson on not being able to wear heels while pregnant (despite the fact that she’s been wearing 5-inch wedges pretty much the entire pregnancy).

10.)                        Headline of the week: “The Biebs Hearts Selena.” He may only be 19 and she 20 (I think), but their love is destined to last because it’s the “real deal.” I totally belieb this two are forever. Until something better comes along.

11.)                        Kim K and Kanye had a “whirlwind reunion” after being a part for an ENTIRE WEEK. This whirlwind included buying ice cream, shopping for leather jackets, and sipping cocktails. I’m exhausted just reading about it.

12.)                        Bachelor Ben Flajnik and crazy bitch Courtney Robertson are shopping for wedding dresses. I wonder which gowns he tried on.

13.)                        New couple alert! Or old, depending on how big a fan of “That 70s Show” you were. Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, whose characters dated on that 2000s show about the 1970s, are apparently hooking up.

14.)                        Brad and Angelina spent a day at the beach with their kids. Now that they’re engaged, I’m sure we will be seeing many more stories about this kind of outrageous behavior.

15.)                        Jennifer ‘Addicted to Love’ Hewitt, who recently proclaimed her desire to date Adam Levine since his recent breakup, now wants to hook up with her Client List co-star Colin Egglesfield.

16.)                        Wanna stay fit like the stars? Then become a millionaire and hire your own dietician and personal trainer.

17.)                        In scary Us Weekly ad news, there’s a special issue of Us Weekly all about the Biebs. It includes his “private photo diary,” talks about what it’s like for him to be “18 and on my own,” and “how Selena stole my heart.” It’s on newsstands now! And probably costs about $20.

18.)                        Real Housewife of New Jersey, Teresa Giudice is pissing off all her costars.

19.)                        Michelle Williams and Jason Segal are still dating and they “flaunted their love out on the town in the Big Apple.” I hate it when people flaunt their love. It’s bragging.

20.)                        Serial monogamist Jennifer Lopez wants to head to the altar for the fourth time with her current flame, Casper Smart. He’s 25 and she’s 42, so I can totally see this working out.

21.)                        Reality shows are a great place to find love! And the most successful relationships have come from … Survivor?

22.)                        Single B-list celebrities are talking about what they’re looking for in a mate. ForJerseyShore’s Pauly D, it’s “She’s gotta take care of herself. Gym, tan, all of that.”  Yep. Those things are VERY important.

23.)                        Wanna know how they brought Tupac back from the dead for Coachella? Nah. Me neither.

24.)                        Switch up your hair for spring! With extensions and dye jobs! Totally natural.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I learned reading TWO WEEK’S WORTH of Us Weekly. Stay tuned for next week when I plan to blog from the lusciousislandofKauai. I can never take a vacation from Us.

Kim Kardashian has made yet another bad relationship choice by dating Kanye West. But Kimye, as they are known, is sure to provide me with a lot of material in upcoming blogs! More about them later. Meanwhile….

1.)             Christina Aguilera, 31, received a “makeover” for The Voice. She now looks like a high-class call girl rather than a two-bit hooker.

2.)             The NYPD might want to consider hiring Ryan Gosling. He’s an NYC superhero after breaking up a fight last year and, more recently, saving a woman from being hit by a cab.

3.)             Donald Trump has come around and is allowing Canadian transgender Miss Universe contestant Jenna Talackova to compete in the pageant. Us Weekly delightfully pointed out the beauty queen’s close resemblance to Donald’s daughter Ivanka. It’s uncanny!

4.)             Jessica Simpson is the featured star in the “What’s in My Bag” feature. Not among the crap in her purse – condoms. Which explains her current condition.

5.)             James Bond will be giving up his martinis and picking up a Heineken instead in the upcoming Bond flick. This is the result of a $45 million product placement deal.

6.)             Betty White on turning 80: “I’m still just as horny as I’ve ever been.”

7.)             Tunics are in this season. But pants are not.

8.)             “Fast Food Flames” Justin Bieber, 18, and Selena Gomez, 19, were snapped picnicking on Subway sandwiches. WHO THE F*CK CARES??

9.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump says the secret to a long-lasting relationship is to “Take a lover!”

10.)       Famous father Levi Johnston, ex-boyfriend of Bristol Palin, has proven once again that he has strong swimmers. He has knocked up his current girlfriend.

11.)       The Olympics are officially ruined. Ryan Seacrest has been tapped to cover theLondongames.

12.)       Poor Amanda Bynes. When you drive drunk, it’s never a good idea to plow into a police car. Needless to say, she has been added to the ever-growing list of celebs with DUIs.

13.)       Serial dater Jennifer Love Hewitt has set her sights on Adam Levine after hearing about his tragic breakup. Save yourself, Adam! Run!!

14.)       Jennie Garth can’t seem to stop blabbing about how the failure of her marriage should be blamed on her soon-to-be ex Peter Facinelli. But he is “taking the high road” and keeping his trap shut. Good boy. Now if he’d promise never to make another Twilight movie….

15.)       Speaking of Twilight, Robert Pattinson is apparently very insecure when it comes to his bod. Recent pictures of him paddleboarding surfaced and he was all embarrassed because he was photographed without a shirt. Of course, Us Weekly ran this little blurb with a picture of ol’ Rob without a shirt.

16.)       Oh, Lord! Say it ain’t so! Bachelor “winner” Courtney Robertson was recently overheard saying she wants a baby. Eek!

17.)       According to Us, Kim and Kanye are “meant to be” because they “work hard, love luxury, and bask in the spotlight.” I do all those things too, but I can guarantee I’m not compatible with Kanye! One more reason these two are destined for each other – they both wear fur. Booo!!! Meanwhile, on the marriage front, Kanye reportedly threatened Kim’s ex (but still current husband) with having his friend Jay-Z fire Krissy from the New Jersey Nets. Jay owns the team, but doesn’t have the power to fire players.

18.)        In other Kardashian news, Khloe K. and Lamar Odom are returning toL.A.He apparently didn’t likeTexasand quit the Dallas Mavericks after a rocky four months with the team. He says he’ll sign on with another team next year. But really, who wants a quitter? Just ask Sarah Palin.

19.)       Katy Perry wants Russell Brand back. Really??

20.)       Reese Witherspoon had a “babymoon” inCosta Ricawith her hubby and kids. When was the babymoon invented? And how come no one told me about it? Maybe I’d be preggers by now if I knew there was a tropical getaway in it for me. (Okay, not really.)

21.)       Clearly capable of making smart choices, Teen Mom star Leah Messer has married for the second time and she’s not even 20 yet. Plus, Us Weekly says she’s still in love with her baby daddy. Or babies daddy, since she’s the mother of twins.

22.)       How stars get motivated to work out:

a.)               Pump upbeat tunes (suggested: Skrillex and Britney Spears – that would motivate me to run. Far away from my iPod.)

b.)               Do something different. Bust out of that cardio rut with yoga!

c.)               Pick up bright duds! Some starlet I’ve never heard of says she never wanted to go to the gym because all she wore were her 7^th grade shorts. So she bought         some brightly colored workout clothes and says she’s motivated because “I look awesome!”

d.)              Track your training. Reese Witherspoon puts a smiley face on the workout days on which she felt pain.

e.)               Try a hot new trend. Which is Bikram yoga.

f.)                Eat sanely. Well, DUH!

g.)               Get techy – Use that Nintendo Wii, girls!

h.)              Set a shape goal. Apparently, my shape goal is “large hourglass.”

i.)                 Score a cheap trainer. Nevermind the old adage, “You get what you pay for.”

j.)                 Slip into new sneaks. New shoes – new life!

23.)       Want the latest in doggy-human fashion? Gold collar necklaces are where it’s at!

24.)       There are little bios on the five members of One Direction. I wish the one direction they would go is away!

25.)       Wanna look fat? Try the latest trend of patterned pants! Not even the aforementioned workout tips will help you look good in these!

26.)       Ooh! The Real Housewives of New Jersey is back! Well, soon anyway. I, for one, can’t wait! This is the best train wreck TV has to offer!

I didn’t think I’d learn quite so much this week! I hope you learned a lot, too. Thank you, dear readers. You keep me going! Truly!

Michelle Williams is the cover star of this week’s Us Weekly. I really don’t know what to do with myself without a cover story about the Kardashians or The Bachelor. But there’s good news – there are non-cover stories about the Kardashians and The Bachelor, so we can all breathe easy. Anyhoo…here’s what I learned this week!

1.)               Divorce is messy, as evidenced by Christie Brinkley and her ex Peter Cook whose divorce was finalized four years ago. She says he’s not paying child support. He says he’s paid in full. Sorry, Pete, but child support doesn’t go away just because you think you’ve paid enough. Man up, grow a pair, and provide for your kids, jackass.

2.)               Anne Hathaway is starving herself after being told to lose 16 pounds in less than three weeks. Fuck you,Hollywood, for demands like this!!

3.)               “My Strange Addiction” isn’t just for weirdo nobodies. Kristen Chenoweth saves, polishes, and photographs quarters. Jennifer Aniston must step onto an airplane right foot first. Jesse Eisenberg adopts more cats every time he makes a film. And Lady Gaga rubs her feet together when she’s lonely.

4.)               I am not the only one who was tortured by an older sibling as a child. Emily Deschanel apparently pretended to be an alien to make her younger sister Zooey cry. Maggie Gyllenhaal pretended her brother Jake was a cat and made him drink milk from a bowl. And Robert Pattinson’s sisters dressed him up as a girl and introduced himself to other people as “Claudia.”  Thanks, big brother Jon, for going a little easier on me than this.

5.)               A judge “ordered” Lindsay Lohan to quit partying, but 80% of Us Weekly readers don’t think she’ll give up her wild lifestyle.

6.)               Quote of the issue: [It makes me] feel like throwing up. I wish I could say ‘Oh, it’s the Celine Dion song.’ But I don’t. I sit straight-faced, with a massive eternal eye-roll.” –Titanic star Kate Winslet.

7.)               James Franco does a really good Kid Rock impersonation, looks-wise, for an upcoming role as a rapper.

8.)               Rihanna doesn’t like to wear pants.

9.)               The Twitterverse learned about Adam Levine’s breakup before Adam Levine did. His ex broke up with him from across the country. Actually, I don’t know if she made the announcement on Twitter, but she did make the news public before breaking it to the Maroon 5 singer because she “didn’t want it to look like he broke up with her.”

10.)           Everyone is quitting Saturday Night Live. Okay, not really. Just the three biggest stars – Kristin Wiig, Andy Samberg, and Jason Sudekis.

11.)          Victoria“Posh Spice” Beckham goes out to restaurants and orders only lettuce.

12.)           Teresa Giudice says Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t look as bad in person as it does on TV. In other “Celebrity Apprentice” news, Arsenio Hall really doesn’t like Aubrey O’Day. I don’t think I like her either because I feel like I’m supposed to know who the hell she is.

13.)           Prince Harry has moved into his own apartment – inKensingtonPalace.

14.)           Heidi Klum has been tapped to host CBS’s “Clash of the Commercials –USAvs. the World,” which will be an interactive countdown special due to air in May. Goodie! Another show Heidi Klum hosts that I won’t be watching.

15.)           Verne “Mini Me” Troyer plans to write a tell-all autobiography.

16.)           As previously reported on Facebook, Ashton Kutcher has been cast as Steve Jobs in an upcoming biopic. Also, as previously reported, I think this is HILARIOUS. And a little sad.

17.)           In non-news, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are still happily married, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are not splitting up, and Denise Richards has hooked up again with Richie Sambora.

18.)           Michelle Williams has found love after tragedy because she’s gone on a few dates with Jason Segal. I had no idea finding love was so easy! But really, this story is just a way for Us Weekly to write about Heath Ledger’s death again.

19.)           KARDASHIAN KONFIDENTIAL: They’re all photographed in bikinis and Scott Disick, aka Mr. Kourtney, has a $13,000 tote bag. Kim has also dropped a little weight, but none of it in her hips and ass.

20.)           There’s a new show coming out on HBO called “Girls.” It’s about girls, of course. Four of them. So the obvious “Sex and the City” comparisons have been made. The two shows have nothing else in common.

21.)           BACHELOR BITCH NEWS: The wedding’s ON! But there’s no date, no dress, no nothing. I’ll believe it when I see it. But then, I won’t watch, so I guess I’ll just never believe it.

22.)           It costs a lot to look like you didn’t spend much money. Leann Rimes looks comfortably casual in $10,000 worth of clothes and accessories, while Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham were decked out in $18,000 and $53,000 outfits. Do these women believe in donating a little bit to charity??

23.)           THE HILLS HOOCHIE: Lauren Conrad dishes about her show that has been off the air for several years now. She does it in the form of a book, which I’m going to guess was written by a ghost writer.

24.)           TREND WATCH: Blue maxi skirts are where it’s at, ladies! No other colors. Just blue. And it must be the right shade of blue. Not sky blue, not navy blue. Just blue. Don’t screw this up!

Stay tuned for next week’s report for more on all the celebrities you never knew existed!

I am shocked - SHOCKED - that the divorce is taking longer than the length of the marriage. These things usually take no time at all!

Poor, poor Kim Kardashian. Her ex-husband is making her charmed life a little difficult. She’s making my not-so-charmed life a little difficult, too, as I’m having a really hard time feeling sorry for her. There’s so much to talk about thanks to this week’s Us Weekly.

1.)               “The party’s over” for Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame. He checked into rehab for an addiction to prescription pills, which means he will probably have to quit all his other vices as well. No drinking at the Jersey Shore makes for a very dull show. Do I smell cancellation? Gawd, I hope so!

2.)               “Dial the D-List!” You, if you are moronic enough, can pay some of your hard-earned cash to get parenting advice from the likes of Michael Lohan! A membership to “Dial A Star” is only $50+ per minute! Other “celebs” offering their expert advice include Octomom and former Real Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub. If you can’t take advice from these class acts, who can you take advice from??

3.)               Richard Gere says “Pretty Woman” was a “big mistake.” Nevermind that a whole generation of people who didn’t know who the heck he was were introduced to him in that movie.

4.)               Great quote from the rarely funny Jenny McCarthy: “Why are chicks on tampon commercials so happy and dressed nice? [It should be] a girl in baggy sweats giving the finger to strangers.” How true!

5.)               Stars are “just like Us” because they’re photographed doing mundane things like toting their own luggage or paying a parking meter. But in this week’s issue, there’s a photo of Snooki taking out the trash. She must be wearing camouflage because it’s hard to tell the difference between her and the garbage.

6.)               Miley Cyrus is getting a jump on marriage by wearing a diamond ring on her left hand before her boyfriend Liam Helmsworth has even popped the question. I smell desperation.

7.)               Real Housewives of New Jersey star Melissa Gorga says the way she keeps her marriage happy is by pretending she’s her husband’s girlfriend and that he can’t have her. “Men want what they can’t have. When is everyone going to realize this?” Ummm… never?

8.)               Meanwhile, in Beckhamville, David Beckham says his marriage has survived because he likes changing diapers. Now that’s more like it!

9.)               Michelle Williams has found love again! Because she’s gone on a handful of dates with Jason Segal. If only finding love were so easy for real people.

10.)           Oh no! It’s over between Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana! Trouble is, I had no idea it had even started.

11.)           The latest dating rumor is that Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna are hooking up. He may cheat on her, but he probably won’t beat her up, so there’s that.

12.)           In the “VIP Scene” feature, unnamed sources tell Us Weekly about all the important things celebrities have been seen doing – like eating or being offered a seat on a crowded subway.

13.)           Bobby Brown got a DUI. Surprisingly, it’s only his second.

14.)           There is a five page story on Kim Kardashian’s troubled life since splitting with Kris Humphries. I’d tell you all about it, but that would mean I’d have to read it.

15.)           Pregnant Jessica Simpson is not shy about speaking her mind. From feeling like she has a bowling ball sitting on her hoo-ha to proclaiming she has an affliction called “swamp ass,” someone needs to tell this girl to shut the hell up and hire a stylist.

16.)           There’s a feature on celebrity makeovers, which is always nice because it means the celebrities featured in it used to be all homely before Hollywood got it’s sticky little hands on them. Among these formerly homely stars are Sofia Vergara, Miley Cyrus (who still needs work, IMHO), Jennifer Lawrence, and Adele. Also included on the list is Charlize Theron, who apparently needed a whopping 15 years to get herself looking decent.

17.)           In the requisite “Stars Without Makeup” feature, most people feel that stars look better with tons of makeup. I’m inclined to disagree, but what do I know. I’m just an Us Weekly reader who is never polled in Rockefeller Center.

18.)           Did you know you can “lose five pounds with heels?” Guys – take this into consideration!

19.)           There’s a little instruction manual on how to get bikini ready in four weeks. I suppose it’s possible if you start out at 120 pounds and go from there.

20.)           Ladies – ALWAYS exfoliate before putting on a backless dress. No one wants to see backne.

21.)           Tyson Ritter, lead singer of All-American Rejects, tells Us what’s on his e-reader. Among his selections is Cannery Row by John Steinbeck. Sometimes I think people just make this shit up to sound more intelligent than they really are.

So that’s about it. I learned SO MUCH this week, except about Kim Kardashian, but I’m okay with that and I hope you are, too.

I’m not quite sure what to do with myself without having a Bachelor cover story to rag on. This week, it’s Reese Witherspoon announcing her happy pregnancy news. How am I supposed to make fun of THAT?

1.)                In other happy news, Charlize Theron adopted a baby boy.

2.)                J. Lo is proving my theory that she is a serial monogamist by moving in with her latest boy toy. She’s 42 and he’s 24. She admits she doesn’t know why she’s with him. So why be with him? Whatevs, Jenny from the block.

3.)                Four stars admit they did terrible things to their Barbie dolls growing up. My favorite is Jessica Biel’s tradition of ripping their heads off and putting them on Christmas lights to decorate the tree. Brilliant!

4.)                Russell Brand was arrested for something. But that’s not news.

5.)                Everybody’s favorite political sexpot George Clooney was also arrested. But he looked much more handsome than Brand.

6.)                Jessica Simpson said pregnancy sex is the best. She says the “big O” is an even BIGGER O when you’re knocked up. Quite frankly, I’m surprised this news wasn’t delivered by her father.

7.)                Duchess Kate is still on her own while William is out doing military princely things. She is doing normal, duchessy things, I guess. Like being photographed just breathing.

8.)                Wow. Snooki is only 3 months along and she already looks as fat as she did before she got pregnant.

9.)                Rihanna is just like “Us” because she does her own grocery shopping. But she’s not really like me at all because I have a house boy to do that for me.

10.)            Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott co-parent. BFD!

11.)            The requisite Angelina Jolie’s kids story calls Zahara and Shiloh “goofy” because they make silly faces for the camera. They’re KIDS for cripes sake.

12.)            Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos are to blame for a new reality show about cheerleading. I hope it’s as good as “Dance Moms.”

13.)            Speaking of reality shows, Teen Mom’s upcoming season will be its last. Clearly this is so MTV can showcase Teen Mom 2.

14.)            Jennifer Aniston is decorating her new house. There is a lovely aerial photo of the property, which comes complete with a pool that Us Weekly circled and labeled “swimming pool” for those who have never seen one before.

15.)            Miley Cyrus is causing trouble again. She’s going clubbing and making an idiot of herself. So much so that her boyfriend gets embarrassed for her. I’m glad someone else gets embarrassed for her besides me. It’s a big responsibility.

16.)            Reese Witherspoon is a really cute pregnant girl.

17.)            Unlike Jessica Simpson, who can’t seem to dress herself like a normal person. The bitch had a THREE-DAY baby shower!

18.)            I don’t know what went wrong in Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli’s marriage, despite the headline that tells me I will learn what went wrong. Oh, wait. She’s jealous of his Twilight career.

19.)            I KNEW I couldn’t get through an entire issue without a Bachelor story. Ben and Courtney are moving in together. I wonder if they lied to each other about the rent.

20.)            Orange is one of the colors for spring. Yuck. I’ll stick with my springy black.

Really, this issue was all pictures and captions. I haven’t cared less about an Us Weekly since I started doing this blog. The only upside, really, is seeing pictures of celebs wearing coveralls. Not a good look for anyone.