susieworld

I never would have seen this coming. The Bachelorette always produces such healthy relationships!

I am shocked and saddened by the cover story in this week’s Us Weekly regarding Bachelorette Emily cheating on her “true love” Jef with one F. This show has such an amazing success rate! Cheat on your other gossip magazines with me as I list the mess of stuff I learned by reading Us Weekly!

1.)                Not everyone should be rocking orange.

2.)                Kim Kardashian’s divorce is continuing to go on considerably longer than her 72-day marriage. All the back-and-forth drama means the relationship won’t officially end until next year.

3.)                Blair from “Facts of Life” is going to be a contestant in the upcoming season of Survivor. We’re not at Eastland anymore.

4.)                Chelsea Clinton is considering a career in politics.

5.)                Rashida Jones wants John Travolta to come out of the closet.

6.)                Suri Cruise is learning to ride a bike.

7.)                Ryan Lochte may be an Olympian medalist, but he’s also kind of a douche.

8.)                Pamela Anderson is going against type and playing a lifeguard in a Brazilian TV show.

9.)                President Obama knows his shaved ice. He may have been born in Kenya (hahahahahahaha!), but he was raised in Hawaii.

10.)            Celebrity kids enjoy wearing fedoras. And they rock them harder than their parents do.

11.)            Us Weekly decided to try out Miley Cyrus’ new haircut on a bunch of other stars. Ryan Gosling kinda rocks it.

12.)            Scarlett Johansson went to Paris with her boyfriend and they ate scallops in a restaurant. The kicker: “They didn’t seem interested in the food,” according to a witness.

13.)            Stacy Keibler is still George Clooney’s beard.

14.)            Jimmy Kimmel got engaged to the head writer of his show. Ben Affleck is going to be so disappointed.

15.)            Real Housewife of Atlanta star Kim Zolciak had her fourth child. His name is Kash.

16.)            Wynonna Judd’s husband had to have his left leg amputated after a motorcycle accident, but Us Weekly says she’s remaining “country strong.”

17.)            The Kardashian Kollection klothing line is spreading like herpes, launching in 13 countries this fall.

18.)            There’s a whole story on Jennifer Aniston’s engagement ring, but no one seems to be able to get a photo of it. So she’s “showing off her sparkles” to everyone except Us Weekly.

19.)            Britney Spears apparently got cold feet and her wedding is OFF!

20.)            Carly Rae Jepsen wrote her infamous song, “Call Me Maybe” about her boyfriend. Then she got famous and dumped him.

21.)            Bachelorette Emily’s SHOCKING betrayal has me turning the page to better stories.

22.)            Taylor Swift is apparently so obsessed with the Kennedys, she’s jumping too fast into a relationship with one – 18-year-old Conor, who is four years her junior. Us Weekly thinks it’s too much too soon.

23.)            Kristen Stewart can’t stop crying after completely f*cking up her relationship with sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson by hooking up with the married director of her latest film. Hard to feel sorry for her.

24.)            Celebrities are making their mark in the world by unintentionally dressing like Sesame Street muppets. Except in the case of Lady Gaga, who clearly wanted to look like Elmo. I dare you to try and tickle her.

Feeling edumacated yet? If not, stay tuned for next week’s saga of What I Learned by Reading Us Weekly.

Suck it, Brangelina! Jen’s gettin’ hitched!

In the wake of the RPats KStew breakup, there is happy news! Jennifer Aniston got engaged! This and so much more is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)                Real Housewives of New Jersey fans are familiar with the tragic story of Teresa Giudice and her husband “Juicy” Joe. Joe is a fat pig who “forgot” his mic was on when he called his wife a bitch and c*nt. But Teresa is blinded by love and is standing behind her douchey husband.

2.)                The Osbournes are boycotting NBC, which probably doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things since NBC’s ratings are already in the toilet. But apparently Jack Osbourne got dumped from the ridiculous reality show “Stars Earn Stripes” because he has MS. Sharon has announced her plans to quit her job as a judge on the NBC “talent” fest, America’s Got Talent. I’m not sure why she was a judge in the first place, since she has no talent to speak of.

3.)                Celebrities discussed their first hangovers with the editors of Us and Lady Gaga reported that she was surrounded by chicken and waffles and cuddling her weave “like a teddy bear.”

4.)                ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS: Miley Cyrus cut her hair. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

5.)                Ryan Lochte is being considered as the next charming contestant on The Bachelor and only 40% of Us readers think he’d be a good choice.

6.)                Lisa Kudrow on her Real Housewives addiction: “I think it’s important to watch the end of the world happening.”

7.)                Beyonce went on vacation and took some pictures.

8.)                The newest celeb couple is Katy Perry and John Mayer.

9.)                Taylor Swift is apparently obsessed with the Kennedys. She’s dating a Kennedy grandson and dresses a lot like Jackie O.

10.)            OMG!!! They’re finally filming Arrested Development again!

11.)            Shiri Appleby got engaged. Don’t know who she is? Yeah, me either.

12.)            Sorry, ladies. Zach Galifanakis is officially off the market.

13.)            Everyone on the planet is telling Robert Pattinson to dump Kristen Stewart after she was caught on camera cheating. He’s hiding out at Reese Witherspoon’s place while he plans what to do next, though you can hardly call it hiding when it’s reported in a trashy gossip magazine.

14.)            Kim K and Kanye West vacationed in Hawaii, but it was more business than pleasure.

15.)            Us asks the important questions about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. Like “why she said yes.”  I think she said yes because he friggin’ asked her to marry him! The girl’s not gettin’ any younger, people. Of course Us got her reaction to the proposal from “sources close to the couple.”

16.)            Meanwhile, the Brad and Angelina wedding is still on.

17.)            The Spice Girls are apparently “sexier than ever.”

18.)            Breakups seem to do wonders for some celeb ladies who dropped pounds and are out on the prowl. Us calls them “revenge makeovers.”

19.)            Denim shirts are making a comeback.

20.)            Duchess Kate does pretty things with her hair.

21.)            America’s Next Top Model is back! Which gets me thinking, “Is that show still on?”

22.)            Just when you thought reality TV couldn’t get any worse, E! scrapes the bottom of the barrel again with “Married to Jonas.”

23.)            Oprah may have ditched her talk show, but this queen of self-importance continues to air specials called “Oprah’s Next Chapter” on her personal cable network. In this week’s episode, she travels to Barbados to do humanitarian work – interviewing Rihanna.

24.)            Did you know there are more awards shows than there are days in the year? One I don’t understand is the Do Something Awards, which seems to think Justin Bieber is totally charity-minded. It was pretty charitable when he suggested that Prince William look into hair replacement therapies.

25.)            Based on what’s being released this week, I am now positive I made the right decision when I decided to stop going to movies.

CHEATER! Maybe now we’ll know why she always has that smug bitchy look on her face.

It’s the latest on RPatz and KStew in this week’s edition of What I Learned by Reading Us Weekly!

1.)                Russell Brand admitted that he married Katy Perry with the hope of having children with her. She wasn’t interested. Marriage over.

2.)                Justin Bieber claims he’s all grown up, but the kid’s still waiting for his voice to change! Plus, he called President Obama “dude.”

3.)                The JerseyShore ladies are feuding. Over who copied who.

4.)                Kris Humphries and Kanye West are also feuding. Over the world’s biggest ass.

5.)                Tom Cruise spent some quality time with Suri in NYC and took her to the Hamptons.

6.)                Matt Lauer got a fake face tattoo when meeting Mike Tyson for the Late Show with Jimmy Fallon. They both looked ridiculous.

7.)                There is a list of 25 stars who have been married more than 10 years. Hollywood marriage years are similar to dog years, I think. One year counts as seven so celebs don’t appear quite so fickle.

8.)                Miley Cyrus walks her own dog and Marcia Cross ties her own shoes! That’s what makes these stars “Just Like Us.”

9.)                The Teen Choice Awards happened and nobody cared. Except Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, who celebrated her 20^th birthday by having the entire audience sing Happy Birthday. What a couple of attention whores.

10.)            According to Us, when Drake grows up (he’s 25), he’s going to look like Lionel Richie.

11.)            True Blood stars Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin are having twins.

12.)            Since Katy Perry didn’t want to have children with Russell Brand, she’s found herself the perfect rebound guy in John Mayer.

13.)            Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis got back together! Okay, it was only for a family day, but still…

14.)            Tiki Barber got married, but didn’t take a page out of the Ochocinco handbook and live tweet the ceremony. This is disappointing. I was hoping for a new trend.

15.)            American Idol has scored itself a diva by hiring Mariah Carey to be the newest judge after dumping all three of last season’s judges. She’s certainly got the jugs to fill the roles of three people.

16.)            Kristen Stewart, aka KStew, was caught on camera cheating on her boyfriend Robert Pattinson, aka RPatz, with her director who happens to be a married father of two and has no clever media-given nickname. And all this happened while poor lovestruck Robert was planning to propose! Harsh, Kristen. Like I needed another reason not to like you.

17.)            Bachelorette Emily Maynard is a slut. Film at 11.

18.)            Ladies, this issue may be worthy of a look next time you’re in the grocery store checkout line. There’s a lovely feature on the sexy men of the Olympics. And one on the women, too.

19.)            Molly Sims introduced her baby to the world via Us Weekly. So far, it doesn’t look like baby Brooks will be a model like his mama. I’m not saying the baby is ugly…. Okay maybe I am. I’m a terrible person.

20.)            Kelly Clarkson “dishes on tour life, real estate, and real pain.” The pain is not emotional like you’d expect. She recently sprained her ankle.

21.)            “Hollywood’s Hippest Shades” are really ugly sunglasses.

22.)            Michelle Obama knows how to rock an outfit.

23.)            California was cursed with the case of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (a show I am unashamedly hooked on), who brought their baggage to the wine country. The main reason to watch is for token gay boy Greg Bennett!

24.)            Breaking Bad is coming to an end, possibly destroying the plans for future meth lab builders everywhere.

Us Weekly came early this week and as a result missed out on the story of the week – the alleged kidnapping of Paris Jackson (Michael’s daughter, in case you live under a rock). So stay tuned for next week! This shit is gonna get GOOD.

It’s a festival of Katie Holmes as I recap TWO WHOLE WEEKS worth of what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

WEEK ONE:

1.)             Taylor Swift has a “Kennedy Crush.” She’s been flirting with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s son Patrick. Apparently, she’s an obsessed Kennedy fan, so I hope she’s ready for tragedy.

2.)             Feud of the Week: PETA vs. the Olsen Twins. PETA hates these girls for promoting fur and while I’m not firmly on the side of PETA because they’re a little crazy, I have to side with them on this one.

3.)             BREAKING: Anderson Cooper is gay. Carry on.

4.)             Chad Ochocinco recently got married and live tweeted the entire event.

5.)             Tie-dye is making a comeback and it isn’t pretty.

6.)             The stars of Magic Mike are photographed with their proud parents. Channing Tatum, who was an actual male stripper for a time, didn’t tell his parents about his career choice. Maybe they found out about it by reading Us Weekly!

7.)             There is a “bitter rivalry” brewing between Andrew Garfield (Spiderman) and Robert Pattinson (sparkly vampire). Because they are British and around the same age, people seem to expect them to be besties, but they just don’t like each other. Us Weekly failed to elaborate further.

8.)             Demi Moore is reportedly not speaking to her daughters. They don’t like “walking on eggshells” around her and she reportedly bailed before her youngest daughter received her high school diploma. Maybe she was hoping to hit up one of the high school parties early to make sure there was still enough whipped cream cans to go around.

9.)             KATIE HOLMES NEWS PART ONE: Us Weekly proclaims that Katie blindsided Tom with divorce papers to save her daughter from Scientology. THEN, a “source” says Katie didn’t do it to expose Tom or Scientology. I’m confused.

10.)       A new Kardishian has been kreated.

11.)       Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are FIGHTING. Maybe she was nagging him for getting caught driving 80 mph in a 60 mph zone in a car that shouldn’t belong to a teenager. He was rewarded with a speeding ticket.

12.)       There’s a feud among the Real Housewives of New York. Crazy-eyed Ramona just doesn’t like creepy-smiled Heather and isn’t afraid to say so. Heather is just so FAKE. And Ramona is just Ramotional.

13.)       Sweet Blake Lively is playing a pothead who gets around with the boys – a far cry from her role on Gossip Girl as a rich bitch who gets around with the boys.

14.)       Nicki Minaj is voicing Steffie the Mammoth in the latest Ice Age movie.

15.)       Amy WInehouse’s dad is speaking out about his late daughter. He supported her decision to get a boob job, but didn’t want her to get rhinoplasty. “I went mad … this was ridiculous.”

16.)       Us Weekly tells readers how to play up their assets as if they can possibly look like celebrities by buying expensive makeup products.

17.)       There’s a new show called “Hollywood Exes” about the throw-away wives of celebrities. They were thrown away for a reason, I imagine. Maybe because they’re attention whores.

And – onto PART TWO!

18.)       Katy Perry can actually dress like a normal person. Still waiting for a similar story on Bjork.

19.)       There’s been a big shakeup on American Idol – everyone got fired! Well, JLo’s camp says she had too many other obligations, but I think that’s just code for getting fired.

20.)       Stars claim they want nothing more than some respect for their privacy, then go on to overshare about stuff we have no business knowing about. Like Jane Fonda having a fulfilling sex life at the ripe old age of 74.

21.)       Justin Bieber admits that he would get his ass kicked by the members of One Direction. Are you listening, Pay-Per-View??

22.)       So Comic-Con happened.

23.)       Pregnant ladies refuse to give up their heels. I think sometimes the bigger they get, the higher the heel. Which is insane.

24.)       Naomi Watts is playing Princess Di in a movie biopic and she’s really got the look down!

25.)       Nick and Vanessa Lachey had a date!

26.)       Brad Pitt fights zombies in his upcoming film, and is also fighting his director, Marc Forster. Apparently Brad will only speak to the director through an intermediary. Mature.

27.)       For Sofia Vergara, it appears to take multiple break-ups to finally get that diamond ring. Within weeks of her most recent breakup with her boyfriend, he proposed.

28.)       Jillian Michaels has apparently realized when you leave a hit show, you become a really Big Loser. She’s campaigning to get back on the show.

29.)       Paris Jackson, daughter of the late King of Pop, is getting into acting and Auntie Janet is not pleased.

30.)       MORE KATIE HOLMES NEWS: She’s happily ensconced with Suri in NYC. That is all.

31.)       The Bachelorette is down to the final two and I still don’t give a shit.

32.)       Sylvester Stallone’s son died of a reported drug overdose. Sad, but not surprising.

33.)       Us Weekly speculates about what Kris Humphries must be thinking about his ex-wife’s PDAs with Kanye West. Among the supposed “insults” is Kanye is short! Harsh!

34.)       A controversial “diet pill” has hit the market and there’s a long story about it in a full page ad. Not sure what the selling point is here.

I don’t feel very educated, even after two full weeks of reading Us Weekly. I may need to pay more attention to People.

What took her so long??

Katie Holmes has had ENOUGH! Yes – ALL CAPS ENOUGH! And thank God, because not only does it mean she’s sane, but it also means there’s absolutely nothing in this issue about The Bachelorette! Woohoo! Here’s what I learned by reading this week’s Early Edition Us Weekly.

1.)               Charlie Sheen can’t stay sober. Surprised? Apparently, he pleaded with his ex-wife Denise Richards to go on a trip to NY with her and their daughters while Denise was promoting her latest stupid movie. Charlie promised to be straight, but promptly ignored his children and trashed a hotel room just like the last time they tried this. Apparently, he wanted a family photo op with the kids and ex at the premiere and wound up pissed off and disappointed when the girls reneged. Maybe Denise will take a page from the Holmes handbook and finally get the hell away from him!

2.)               Dylan McDermott helped investigators solve his mother’s unsolved murder by simply asking them to reopen the case. This makes him a real-life crime fighter, according to Us.

3.)               SHOCKING! Celebrities admit to wearing hair extensions! I, for one, TOTALLY BELIEVED their hair had grown six inches overnight. It just takes a little hair Viagra, right?

4.)               Ann Curry is none to pleased with Matt Lauer for his role in getting her kicked off the Today Show. Set sources said you could cut the tension with a knife as she bid teary farewells to everyone but him.

5.)               Rumors circulated that Russell Brand took Charlie Sheen to a yoga class, but they are FALSE! “If one thing would be guaranteed to ruin yoga, it would be the presence of Charlie Sheen,” he said. I don’t know. I think the presence of Russell Brand might ruin it, too.

6.)               Stars’ kids are “just like Us” because they play with wheelbarrows, can’t parallel park, and throw away trash.

7.)               In non-news, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are still happily married. Come ON! Where’s the DRAMA??

8.)               Miley Cyrus, 19, is engaged and now Us Weekly says she wants to have a baby STAT.

9.)               As expected, silver screen doofus Zach Galifianakis is marrying a ballerina. Yeah. I can’t wait to see the wedding photos either.

10.)          Tony Parker is missing out on playing hoops in the Olympics because of an eye injury he sustained while trying to break up a Rihanna-based brawl between Drake and Chris Brown.

11.)          It wasn’t all magic on the Magic Mike set. Apparently, Channing Tatum and Alex Pettyfer just don’t like each other.

12.)          Weight Watchers is betting $4 million that Jessica Simpson will lose all her baby weight by the end of summer. If you’ve seen pictures of the girl’s rack lately, you’d know that’s not exactly a safe bet. Her boobs probably weigh 20 of the 70 pounds she gained while pregnant.

13.)          Kim Kardashian is the only person in the world with Kanye West’s cell phone number. West “doesn’t like to be tied down by technology,” a source says. “It frustrated Kim. She had to call him through a bodyguard.” But he recently got himself a “secret cell phone.” God forbid Kim K should be inconvenienced.

14.)          The story we’ve been waiting 7 years to hear is the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes breakup. It was destined to happen the minute he jumped the couch back in 2005. Katie is also smart enough to be asking for full custody of Suri so she doesn’t grow up with Scientology. I don’t know why the girl thought this whole marriage to Tom Cruise thing was a good idea in the first place, but at least she finally came to her senses and reportedly fled in the middle of the night while he was filming inIcelandto her own place in NYC.

15.)          Adele is having a baby!

16.)          Speaking of babies, Kristin Stewart was overheard telling a pregnant woman she wanted to have a baby someday, so now the story is that Kristin wants to get knocked up by her boyfriend Robert Pattinson AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! This is how rumors get started.

17.)          Hunter Parrish, who is best known for playing Silas on “Weeds” is also a musician who is releasing his first record soon.

18.)          Oh, Lord. There’s a new reality show called “Beverly Hills Nannies.” Hide your children! This sounds like it could be a real train wreck.

19.)          Stop bearing your navels, ladies. Belly shirts are SO last season!

That’s all the news that’s fit, or unfit, to print this week. Stay tuned to next week’s edition when there will undoubtedly be much more about the Bachelorette.

Come here, Johnny. Let me take the hurt away.

Johnny Depp is nursing a broken heart and I, for one, would be more than happy to help him heal. This and more is what I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)               Ann Curry got dumped from the Today Show presumably because she has no chemistry with Matt Lauer. Personally, I think she’s just too good a newswoman for that campy show that hasn’t been good since the days of Jane and Bryant. I wish bigger and better things for her.

2.)               Roberto Martinez, who was dumped by Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, could be the next Bachelor, assuming the producers are willing to pay his $750,000 asking price.

3.)               In “Why???” news, Kristin Stewart has made it to the Forbes list of highest paid actress after raking in $34.5 million last year. She is the youngest celeb to make the list. I can’t stand the perennially miffed actress because she just seems so nonplussed all the time. But to each their own.

4.)               In an attempt to email her son’s dentist pictures of the boy’s swollen gums, Jenny McCarthy accidentally emailed him a nude photo of herself. Common mistake.

5.)               “It made me … put a chastity belt on!”JerseyShore’s JWoww said about Snooki’s pregnancy. Yeah, it had that effect on the entire nation, I think.

6.)               Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox went toHawaiion a “babymoon,” a concept I’ll never understand. Why go to paradise when you’re preggers and can’t enjoy the fine cocktails the islands have to offer??

7.)               Prince William fed a rhinoceros.

8.)               If you thought Jessica Simpson had giant knockers before, you should get a load of her monstrous post-pregnancy cleavage now! She currently uses it to store her cell phone, but I think she could probably fit the entire contents of her purse in their. And she usually carries a humongous handbag!

9.)               Grunge is back! Pull out those flannels and get dressed down!

10.)          Kim Kardashian is one of many superstars (heh heh) who EATS ICE CREAM!

11.)          Celebrities are clumsy. Or stupid. Or both. A number of them have gotten themselves a few boo boos recently.HalleBerryhas a broken foot, Anne Hathaway’s arm is in a cast, and the aforementioned JWoww was snapped riding one of those scooters for the fat and infirm because she sprained her ankle. During a bar brawl.

12.)          So Madonna is still making videos.

13.)          Lindsay Lohan is still playing Elizabeth Taylor in a biopic on the iconic actress’s life. I think even Richard Burton might be rolling around in his grave. I’d say Larry Fortensky, but he’s still regrettably above ground.

14.)          Alexander Skarsgaard is “just like Us” because he used a basket while shopping!

15.)          John Mayer’s latest conquest is Jennifer Morrison of Hunger Games fame. She’s 21 and he’s 34.

16.)          Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are having TWINS! I hope they have a boy and a girl to represent her admitted love of both genders. (She’s married to a man, but opened up about being bisexual.)

17.)          Oprah Winfrey appears to be desperate to stay relevant after leaving her talk show by bonding with Kim Kardashian.

18.)         HalleBerrymay have received her previously mentioned injury by trying to kick her lawyer’s ass. She has been ordered to pay her ex, Gabriel Aubrey, $20,000 a month in child support.

19.)          Joan Rivers’ face is finally going to start sagging. She recently announced she has stopped Botoxing. “I couldn’t blow out the candles on my birthday cake.” Zoiks!

20.)          NBC is apparently on a firing rampage. The network showed no sympathy for Jack Osborne, who was recently diagnosed with MS. They fired him from a summer reality series that documents “celebrities” attempting military exercises.

21.)          Poor Johnny Depp! Us says he tried really hard to salvage the relationship with his longtime love Vanessa Paradis, but it turned out she was just too big a bitch. Okay, Us Weekly didn’t really report that. In sad news, he decided not to wait until meeting me and is already palling around with Amber Heard.

22.)          Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux went on a romantic, and public (thanks to Us Weekly!) vacation toEurope.

23.)          Katy Perry admits she wasn’t ready to have Russell Brand’s child, which is what led to their breakup. With Snooki’s demon spawn on the way, it’s probably good that she saved the world from this potential tragedy.

24.)          While most teen moms probably find it difficult to find boys willing to put up with their mistake, er, little blessing, Maci Bookout can’t seem to get rid of her BF.

25.)          Bachelorette Emily is a total diva! Us Weekly reports she’s scheming for a bigger TV gig, screams at producers, measures guys by their money, throws fits about hair and makeup, and totally DISSED host Chris Harrison. I’m not sure how any of this is a surprise.

26.)          Matthew McConaughey has no problem playing bongos in the nude, but it took him a little while to get into dancing in a thong for Magic Mike.

27.)          In ugly fashion news, short suits are the latest trend. There’s nothing professional about short-shorts and a matching blazer.

28.)          In case you didn’t already know, Us Weekly teaches us how to wear leather pants. Wear them with open-toed shoes, don’t get baggy pants, and offset the look with a loose top. Guys, are you listening?

29.)          Magic Mike was obviously not reviewed by a woman. It only received 2 ½ out of 4 stars!

30.)          Maroon 5’s latest album is called “Overexposed.” Are you listening to yourself, Adam Levine? I didn’t think so!

31.)          Aubrey O’Day wore a barely-there leotard to an event in Vegas. Fortunately, she carried her two accessory dogs to protect the goodies.

Stay tuned for next week when today’s big news – the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce – will likely take over the entire magazine! I, for one, can’t wait to hear how he’ll finally hook up with John Travolta. Maybe they can get his-and-his massages!

What’s Emily hiding? That’s the top story of this week’s Us Weekly. Don’t know who Emily is? She’s the Bachelorette, of course, which means that stupid show will be on every cover until the season ends. And I will continue to make fun of it without watching it because it’s stupid. But there’s other stuff to snark about, too. Like this stuff:

1.)               There’s a Lost feud going on and this one isn’t between the writers and the audience over that ridiculous and infuriating finale. Apparently Dominic Monaghan, who played rock star Charlie on the show, is pretty pissed off at Matthew Fox, who played hero doctor Jack. Fox was charged with hitting a woman on a bus not long ago and Monaghan is not afraid to dish about it in the press. “He beats women. Not isolated incidents. Often.” Wow! That statement really packs a punch. Pun intended.

2.)               Charlie Sheen is off the wagon, which should come as no surprise to anyone ever. He prefers his vodka straight because “ice is for injuries.” And he’s still totally batshit crazy. “I am Jaws. I am the alter ego of the shark.”

3.)               Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame watched a shit ton of reality TV to prep for an upcoming film role, which included Kardashian-related shows. She described Kim K as “superlow culture.” Gotta side with Emma on this.

4.)               Clint Eastwood’s daughter Francesca received death threats after setting fire to an Hermes Birkin handbag on her reality show.

5.)               Snooki is still pregnant.

6.)               A fashion trend I don’t understand and hopefully never will is pregnant women wearing belts.

7.)               Aretha Franklin, 70, apparently loves hula hoops. I’d pay some hard-earned cash to see her use one.

8.)               Suri Cruise is SO last year! Violet Affleck is now the go-to tot when it comes to accessorizing.

9.)               She may have cleaned up her look, but Nicole Richie is releasing a fragrance called “Nicole.” I imagine it will smell like skank and used condoms.

10.)          Andy Samberg has finally retired from SNL. Remember when cast members would only stay for five years so they didn’t overstay their welcome? I hope you’re reading this, Tim Meadows!

11.)          In sad news, Desperate Housewives (and former West Wing) star Kathryn Joosten passed away from lung cancer. No one could play crotchety like Joosten!

12.)          Adam Levine is no longer on the market (take THAT, Jennifer Love Hewitt!). He’s now dating one of his ex-girlfriend’s friends. Hopefully this one won’t dump him on the internet.

13.)          Uma Thurman must really miss being able to drink now that she’s preggers. Her sister recently threw her a baby shower with a pink elephant theme.

14.)          Mary-Kate Olsen, 26, has reportedly claimed she can’t find a man mature enough for her. So now she’s dating a 43-year-old who happens to be the half-brother of former French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

15.)          Nick and Vanessa Lachey were spotted in St. Lucia on their “babymoon.” I hate this term. What fun is an exotic vacation if you’re fat and can’t enjoy a fruity cocktail?

16.)          So Emily Maynard has some “shocking secrets,” not one of which is her obvious desperation for a man. I mean, the woman is on her second round of trying to find a mate on a reality show not exactly known for its happy endings. I would reveal one of Emily’s secrets, but that would require that I read the article.

17.)          Meanwhile, Bachelor Pad, which stars rejected Bachelor and Bachelorettes, did have a happy ending. Two cast members tied the knot. I don’t know who they are, but they sure look pretty.

18.)          There was a Royal Jubiliee for Queen Elizabeth’s 60 years on the throne and the useless royals were out in force having their pictures taken.

19.)          So Drew Barrymore got married. The Bachelorette is more important to Us Weekly than Drew’s nups, though. At least ol’ Drew made the cover of this week’s People.

20.)          Poor John Mayer. The notorious womanizer got his feelings hurt when Taylor Swift wrote a song about what a cad he is. He dated her and dumped her when she was 19 years old!

21.)          There are shorts for every shape! Except “curvy” is represented by Jennifer Lopez, whose only curve is her ass.

22.)          Mark Zuckerberg and his new wife shared some photos from their Italian honeymoon. He reportedly honeymooned on the cheap, too. They had one of their meals at McDonald’s!

23.)          If Kim Kardashian were president (perish the thought!), she “would make the American genocide more recognized.” I’m shocked she knows what the word genocide means.

24.)          Members of the British boy band The Wanted know what they want in a woman: “One who takes of her bra!”

25.)          Us Weekly has some fine recommendations for Father’s Day gifts. Buy him a bottle of Scotch and be done with it!

26.)          Us Weekly also has some fine recommendations for what you should include in your summer beach bag. Don’t forget the lip gloss, ladies!

Well there you have it, folks! I am educated and now so are you! Until next week, PEACE OUT!

Apparently the look for ladies who sing is the Vegas Showgirl look. Beyonce prefers feathers, JLo likes capes, and Rihanna just keeps it minimal with tasseled bikini tops.

Poor Kingston Rossdale (spawn of Gwen Stefani) had to spend his birthday living life like undocumented fieldworkers. Gwen took him to a farm, where he is pictured pushing a wheelbarrow. Whatever happened to Chuck E. Cheese?

Andre 3000 is playing Jimi Hendrix in an upcoming biopic and the resemblance is uncanny.

Bradley Cooper isn’t shy. The 2011 Sexiest Man Alive was snapped clad only in a towel playing with his cell phone on a hotel balcony.

As previously reported in Us Weekly, Britney Spears is only doing so-so as the newest judge on X Factor. But I guess “so-so” is “OUTSTANDING” in Brit-land. She missed a few auditions while taking breaks and mixed up Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid only once. I can see how she’d get the two confused.

I think Keira Knightley received the world’s smallest engagement ring from her fiancé, the keyboardist for a British indie rock band. If the band weren’t indie, she’d have gotten a bigger rock.

Got a spare $29 million? Celine Dion’s opulent spread outside ofMontrealis up for sale. Looking at the pictures of the interior, I’d recommend gutting the place and starting over fresh. If $29 million is too much for you, you could always rent Leonardo DiCaprio’s beachfront “cottage” for a mere $75K a month.

Jenna Von Oy, who most of you probably don’t remember from the 1990s sitcom “Blossom,” is a new mom and claims she is exhausted. The little People brief isn’t about how she had a baby. That’s old news. These two paragraphs were dedicated to what every new mother feels – overwhelmed! BFD, Jenna Von Oy!

In Real Housewives news: the NYC housewives have three new additions after last year’s firings of Alex, Jill, and Kelly. According to People, the new ladies bring less whining and more Carrie Bradshaw coolness to the show. I’m gonna miss the whining.

I want to personally slap every member of One Direction, but they’re so young it would probably qualify as child abuse. I claim “elder” abuse for their “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” song playing on the radio every five minutes.

If anyone out there plans on watching the Jenny McCarthy-hosted “Love in the Wild,” I don’t want to know about it.

There’s another book about Marilyn Monroe hitting the shelves. I imagine bookstores everywhere probably have an entire Marilyn Monroe section.

A lot of people went to the Cannes Film Festival who had no business being at the Cannes Film Festival. Didn’t that used to be sort of an exclusive thing?

In the Jessica Simpson cover story, I was invited to “Meet Baby Max.” Well, I feel like I’ve met her and I’m not impressed. Okay, she’s really cute, but can she sing??

Dallas is coming back!!! I’m excited about this reboot. I never watched the original, but I’m tuning into TNT for Dallas 2.0. This time around, they’re actually filming in Dallas and there is a really cute boy named Josh Henderson who’s starring alongside old fogey Larry Hagman. Here’s to some fresh new eye candy!

Neil Patrick Harris is back hosting the Tony Awards, which makes me wish I gave a rat’s ass about the Tony Awards. Love me some NPH!

The Senate is losing another Republican. Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) says she’s leaving because the government is broken. Finally, I agree with a Republican on something!

Tommy Hilfiger lives in a penthouse at the Plaza Hotel and owns some really ugly art.

John Mayer claims he is older and wiser. Hopefully this means he’s ready to pen a tell-all about his celebrity sexual exploits. Oh wait. He’s already done that in the press.

Holy crap! Queen Elizabeth has been on the throne for 60 years! (Insert poop joke here.) So the palace has “opened its doors” so People could take snapshots of her abhorrent wealth in the form of diamonds.

Can someone remind me what purpose royal families serve in the grand scheme of things besides being wealthy beyond measure? I mean, People PLEASE!

Well, Kelly Clarkson dropped a few pounds. This and much, much more is what I learned by reading this week’s Us Weekly!

1.)                Usher, who we all have to blame for discovering Justin Bieber, is in a nasty custody battle with his ex. He’s claiming she hit him and spat on his current girlfriend. She’s claiming he’s a big, fat cheater. Apparently, she discovered him in bed with their nanny. Well, at least he’s sleeping with people he knows will take good care of his spawn.

2.)                Jessica Simpson popped out a 9-pound baby and it had nothing to do with all the fast food she used to eat. It was a REAL BABY! Anyway, now that she’s a mommy, she’s swearing off drive-thrus.

3.)                Jane Lynch spoke to the 2012 graduating class ofSmithCollege, saying: “If life gives you lemons, grab it by the horns and drive. And, yes, I just mixed three metaphors. Remember, I was a C student.”

4.)                Angie Harmon has a deceptively small handbag. She can keep a lot of crap in there!

5.)                Teresa Giudice and Alexis Bellino are the two dumbest Housewives on Bravo. Alexis thinksCosta Ricais inMexico, and Teresa thinks her brother wants them to go see a physical therapist to work out their problems.

6.)                There are 25 things I don’t know about Miranda Cosgrove and not one of them is the fact that I don’t really know who she is.

7.)                Brad Pitt is staying connected to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston by getting her haircut.

8.)                Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon & Kate + 8, says her kids desperately want to be back on TV and 83% of Us Weekly readers think she’s full of shit.

9.)                The Cannes Film Festival happened. And I wasn’t invited!

10.)            Miley Cyrus tends to forget important items of her wardrobe before going out. Sometimes it’s her bra, other times it’s her pants. And she was snapped riding her bike and having to hike down her miniskirt so no one could see her woogabongo as she rode pantiless.

11.)            American Idol may soon become more successful at matchmaking than The Bachelor. Former season finalists Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo announced their engagement on the May 23 finale.

12.)            Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne is only “close to a proposal” according to a story on her love life with an NYC-based vegan chef.

13.)            The Biebs is in a little trouble and could face jail time, which would make me giddy! Just the news has me bouncing on the couch (not quite Tom Cruise-style). He is being investigated for assault after he reportedly smacked a paparazzo who was snapping pics of Justy and his lady love Selena Gomez. THEN, he smacked into a glass door on stage and gave himself a little concussion. I’m thinking Windex may have themselves a new spokesman.

14.)            Joining the throngs of other people worried about Britney Spears is Simon Cowell. Apparently, Brit-Brit tends to zone out while she serves as a judge on Cowell’s X Factor. She’s also a little erratic. Did Simon read the gossip mags over the past 5 years regarding Britney?? This should come as no surprise.

15.)            Mark Zuckerberg, founding father of Facebook, had a “quirky” honeymoon. Perhaps because his IPO didn’t go as well as predicted.

16.)            Bachelorette Emily Maynard has pissed off the parents of her late fiancé by going back to the show and putting her 6-year-old daughter with said fiancé through the reality TV wringer.

17.)            Tom Cruise is a terrible bowler.

18.)            KELLY CLARKSON LOST WEIGHT! Personally, I always liked that Kelly was normal girl-sized rather than a waif, but the pressures of the music biz apparently got to her. And so did her boyfriend, whom she credits for her ability to follow her “simple” diet plan.

19.)            Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are obviously “the real deal” because they flaunted their love atCannes. My question is why they were even invited.

20.)            Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel had a star-studded engagement party. It was so romantic, it appears they even arrived in separate cars!

21.)            John Travolta may or may not have trouble getting back rubs from anyone other than his wife. It depends on what the masseurs are into, I suppose. Rumor has it he is settling on an undisclosed amount with one of the massage therapists who accused him of a little hanky-panky during their session.

22.)            Us Weekly’s idea of “Sizzling Summer TV” includes “The Real Housewives of New York City,” “Snooki & JWoww,” and “Teen Mom.” If your idea of a good TV moment does not involve bad reality television, you are apparently SOL.

23.)            Ladies! There is more than one way to get silky-smooth legs!

24.)            Rihanna, who you may have tired of already, has decided she’s working too much. Still waiting for Katy Perry to make that announcement.

So that’s it, gang! That’s what I learned this week. Now I feel like curling up in a nice pair of PJs just like the stars featured in Us Weekly’s Fashion Police.

It’s the “Hot Bodies” double issue of Us Weekly this week, which I hate because it’s just a bunch of pictures of beautiful people and, well, their hot bodies. But for you, I have forced myself to page through the issue and report the important stories that other magazines let fall through the cracks. Don’t thank me. I’m just doing my job.

1.)               Disco Queen Donna Summer passed away, which is really sad because that woman could WAIL! But I question the number of Us Weekly readers who are old enough to actually know who she was.

2.)               Angelina Jolie knows how to spend her gazillions. She recently dropped $1.6 million on a helicopter with flying lessons for Brad.

3.)               Bill Paxton is this week’s star in the “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” feature. I’m not sure why, since he’s not exactly a HUGE star, so pretty much everyone knows pretty much nothing about him.

4.)               This week’s surprise split is 52-year-old Linda Hogan (Hulk Hogan’s ex) and her 23-year-old boy toy Charley Hill. This is a surprise how??? I’m pretty sure the entire universe saw this coming.

5.)               Jackie Chan is quitting action movies. Finally he can now star in the romantic comedies he was destined for.

6.)               Quote of the Week: “Ultimately, I’d say no. But I would just have to take the meeting.” –John Mayer on whether he would ever accept an offer to be The Bachelor.

7.)               William and Kate are still beautiful and Kate is still fashionable and Harry is still a party boy. NEXT!

8.)               Mark Zuckerberg got married! I hope someone bought him shares in Facebook as a wedding gift.

9.)               The Billboard Music Awards happened. Fun fact: There are more awards ceremonies inAmericathan there are days of the year.

10.)          There’s a nice group of pictures from the filming of The Great Gatsby. I am so looking forward to this movie!!!

11.)          Celebrity daughters love their tutus.

12.)          It may be worth it for you to buy this issue just for the “Born the Same Year” feature. Some stars have aged more gracefully than others.

13.)          I am an advertiser’s dream. There’s an ad for Drumsticks and now I’m dying for one.

14.)          Stars are “just like Us” because – GASP – they carry their own umbrellas! Well, David Beckham does anyway. A lot of celebs have PUHs (Personal Umbrella Handlers).

15.)          Brangelina attended the Cannes Film Festival and, shockingly, they were photographed there. A lot.

16.)          The next season of Dancing with the “Stars” will feature an all-“star” cast. Producers hope to get Melissa Rycroft, Gilles Marini, Bristol Palin, Kyle Massey, Chelsea Kane, Lance Bass, Kelly Osbourne, and Mario Lopez. Lopez may feel obligated to sign on because A) he’s desperate for attention, and B) he was the one who accidentally leaked the story that DWTS was doing an all-star season.

17.)          Jillian Michaels, who admits she has never really had much contact with children, adopted a 2-year-old girl fromHaiti.

18.)          Kotex wants women to break up with their tampons. But breaking up is so hard to do!

19.)          In Housewives news: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong is still teetering on the edge of sanity following the suicide of her abusive husband and her mental breakdown during last season’s filming. Producers have reportedly asked her not to drink when filming this season’s shows. The request was made after Armstrong had a drunken scream-fest with co-star Brandi Glanville. I’ve gotta side withTayloron this. Glanville accused Armstrong of trying to profit from her husband’s suicide by penning a tell-all book. Then Glanville turned around and signed on to write her own book about her breakup with ex-husband Eddie Cibrian. Hypocrisy drives me crazy, even if it’s that of a stupid reality star.

20.)          Bristol Palin’s baby daddy Levi Johnston has not been able to seduceHollywoodas he’d planned. He moved back in with his mom inAlaskaand reportedly hasn’t paid child support in more than two years. Keep it classy, Levi!

21.)          Justin Theroux was spotted looking for coconut oil at Trader Joes!!!!

22.)          Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy are teaming up for a buddy cop comedy from the director of Bridesmaids. This could be good.

23.)          Jenny McCarthy, who hasn’t really been seen much since her breakup with Jim Carrey, is returning to her roots and posing for Playboy’s June issue. Yes, boys, she will be totally NAKED!

24.)          Britney Spears is feeling the pressure of becoming a judge on X Factor. It’s just a stupid reality show, Brit-Brit! Get over it! Apparently, she is so nervous she is BITING HER NAILS!!! I think she may wind up checking into rehab for “exhaustion” sooner rather than later.

25.)          Pregnant Snooki has evicted herself from theJerseyShorehouse. Who knew she could make a rational decision?? Meanwhile, you can probably expect to be bored with the show this season. Vinny has anxiety issues, Pauly D has his own spinoff, and “The Situation” is considering bringing in a sober coach to live in the house following his recent stint in rehab for – you guessed it! – exhaustion.

26.)          Us “pays tribute toHollywood’s finest” in the Hot Bodies feature. The story wouldn’t be complete without features on Reality TV’s finest. The boys from MTV’s The Challenge and the ladies of the Real Housewives are pictured in their skivvies.

27.)          Rihanna keeps going on vacation. If she’s not paddleboarding somewhere, she’s taking off her top in the ocean.

28.)          The benefit of the Hot Bodies issue is all the cute boys with their shirts off. I, for one, really do want to “meet the men of Magic Mike.” For those who don’t know, Magic Mike is a movie about male strippers that I plan on seeing as soon as possible. My favorite is Matt Bomer. Downside: He’s gay. L

29.)          Thank GOD Us Weekly knows you can look fabulous after 40, since that is my present age. Whether or not you can get meaty roles after 40 is still in question.

30.)          Howard Stern is allegedly displaying his “sweet side” onAmerica’s Got Talent.

31.)          Thank goodness for the story on “Floral Jeans Dos and Don’ts.” My take? Don’t wear floral jeans.

32.)          The “do-rag” is making a comeback. This time on women. And they look ridiculous.

So that’s it, gang. 32 things I learned by reading Us Weekly! And now that you know these things as well, go out and educate the world because this stuff is IMPORTANT!