susieworld

Bethenny, Bethenny, Bethenny. The fur is a-flyin’ in her divorce battle with hubby Jason and things are getting ugly. I also think I missed an issue because Bethenny is the cover story instead of the Kimye baby. If anyone knows about this missing issue, please contact me immediately. For now, though, here’s what I learned by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)                Duchess Kate has good news! She no longer has morning sickness because she is “safely in her second trimester.” Good on you, Kate!

 

2.)                Ann Curry, whose talent for news anchoring was completely ignored by the morons at the Today Show, may just move to CNN. Good on you, Ann!

 

3.)                Adam Lambert, who hasn’t made much of a name for himself after LOSING on American Idol, criticized the Les Miserables film, saying it was full of actors pretending to be singing. Not so good on you, Adam. Wait until you have something valuable to offer the world before spreading hate about other stuff. This is not to say I have any intention of seeing Les Miz. I don’t. But still!

 

4.)                James Van Der Beek has never seen the Dawson’s Creek finale. Neither have I, come to think of it.

 

5.)                Britain, you can KEEP them! Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag returned to TV, but not in America, thank God. They’re appearing on the U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother. Which makes me wonder if England knows what being a celebrity is.

 

6.)                Sean Penn on life after divorce: “I thought, ‘Wow, I can actually go on a date. And so I go out … drinking at a bar and ending up home, you know, drunk.’”

 

7.)                Reese Witherspoon still looks like a woman who recently gave birth. Good on you, Reese, for not rushing to lose that baby weight!

 

8.)                Steven Tyler’s daughter Chelsea unfortunately got her looks from her father.

 

9.)                When Tom Brady gets into a snowball fight, he throws like a girl.

 

10.)            I hate the term “babymoon,” which is a honeymoon for expectant parents. Mainly because who wants to be pregnant on a tropical vacation and unable to drink the fancy umbrella drinks?? Anyhoo, Channing and Jenna Dewan Tatum are the latest celeb couple to go on one of those stupid things. In St. Barts.

 

11.)            Attention stoner ladies: Michael Phelps broke up with his girlfriend and is back on the market!

 

12.)            Real Housewife of Atlanta Nene Leakes is remarrying her ex-husband. Meanwhile, if you can’t get enough of southern rich bitches, there’s a new show coming out on the Style network called “Big Rich Atlanta, which features wealthy Georgia mothers and daughters. I think this will be a train wreck show for me – I won’t be able to look away, but it will be gross.

 

13.)            In idiot news, L’il Wayne got the word “baked” tattooed on his forehead.

 

14.)            Jimmy Kimmel is not a fan of his late-night competitor Jay Leno, saying Jay sold out when he took The Tonight Show back from Conan O’Brien. “Leno hasn’t been a good stand-up in 20 years. You can’t not have total disdain for what he’s done. He toldally sold out.” Jimmy, I wholeheartedly agree!

 

15.)            Quentin Tarantino says that when he turns 60, he’ll stop making movies and start reviewing books.

 

16.)            In teenaged angst news, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have “broken up for good.” Or until they get back together again. Apparently, they have trust issues. I have trust issues, too. For example, I don’t believe this break-up is permanent.

 

17.)            Hugh Hefner’s will does not include his new wife, Crystal Harris. And she signed an ironclad pre-nup that prevents her from contesting it.

 

18.)            Lindsay Lohan is no longer welcomed in W hotels. Apparently, the NYC W hotel is STILL cleaning up after LiLo bunked for a few weeks last fall. There were cigarette burns everywhere and the damage was estimated at $50,000.

 

19.)            Bradley Cooper is now available again after getting dumped by Zoe Saldana. Apparently, he’s been getting a lot of attention for his movie “Silver Linings Playbook” and it’s gone to his head.

 

20.)            COVER STORY: Bethenny Frankel ditched any potential plans for a reconciliation with hubby Jason Hoppy, a sweetheart of a guy who put up with her bullshit for a few years. She’s a multi-millionaire, but wants primary custody of their daughter AND child support! There was a pre-nup, so he’s not getting any of her millions, it appears. And his claim that she just used him so she could have a baby has some merit.

 

21.)            In Kimye news, Kim claims she’s ready to be a mom. And this annoying pair also went on one of those stupid babymoons. The pregnancy has likely depressed little sister Khloe, who is the only Kardashian that’s actually married and wants desperately to have a baby. Poor Khloe! Her slutty sisters keep getting knocked up before she has her chance.

 

22.)            There’s a story about why Teen Mom Maci Bookout took her ex back. I didn’t read it.

 

23.)            There’s a really stupid cooking competition show debuting later this month called “The Taste.” Contestants cook meals and are judged by ONE BITE! Stupid waste of food.

 

24.)            Mariah Carey says she’s never been a fan of singing competitions.

 

25.)            Celebrities lie about diets they claim actually work. LYING LIARS!

 

26.)            I really want to see “Gangster Squad.”

 

27.)            If you don’t like the Real Housewives (and I’m sure many of you don’t), check out the Real Husbands of Hollywood. It’s a bunch of hot guys married to famous women and these guys appear to be willing to make fun of themselves.

 

28.)            Shockingly, Snooki is criticized by Us Weekly’s Fashion Police.

 

29.)            And… pointy shoulder pads are making a comeback!

 

That’s all the news that’s fit to print this week, TV fans! Stay tuned!

Well, Kimye managed to get preggers after press time for Us Weekly, so Kim’s sis Kourtney made the cover instead. (For those of you who don’t know what Kimye is, it’s Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.) And I really don’t care how she lost the baby weight so quickly. It’s probably unhealthy and/or illegal. Meanwhile, here’s what I learned from this week’s issue:

 

1.)              Kate Winslet secretly got married in a ceremony so hush-hush, it’s reported in Us Weekly. Meanwhile, her new hubby’s last name is Rocknroll. Yep. You heard it here first. Oh, and her Titanic co-star Leonardo DiCaprio walked her down the aisle. Everyone together now – AWWWWW!

 

2.)              Spike Lee does NOT like Quentin Tarantino’s movies. Particularly one that turned a story about slavery into somewhat of a spaghetti western. Quentin has not responded and audiences are ignoring Lee as well, ‘cause they’re headed out in droves to see Django Unchained.

 

3.)              Us Weekly says Donald Trump’s New Year’s resolution should be to take a vow of silence. Wonder if The Donald reads this rag.

 

4.)              Teen Mom Maci Bookout is back on with her on again/off again boyfriend. He even went so far as to propose to her again – this time via Twitter. How romantic!

 

5.)              Kathie Lee Gifford is drinking WAY too much wine in the morning while co-hosting that “bonus” hour of the Today Show. She claims she showed off her control-top pantyhose and someone saw it and turned around to invent Spanx and make a mint. Doubtful, Kathie Lee. Keep on drinkin’.

 

6.)              Jimmy Kimmel has personal stationery that reads: “From the Desk of Lionel Richie.”

 

7.)              72 percent of Us Weekly readers would vote for Ben Affleck if he runs for Senate. Which he’s not. But he hasn’t ruled it out. Meanwhile, I hope these potential voters read more than just Us Weekly before they head to the polls.

 

8.)              Josh Duhamel is confused by women. “It’s physically impossible for just one to go to the bathroom.”

 

9.)              Nicole Richie is firmly behind Taylor Swift. “I don’t even know who she is singing about, but I hate him and anyone else who’s ever upset her.”

 

10.)          Jessica Simpson is already looking preggers. And she also still looks like she needs a stylist STAT!

 

11.)          Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux went to Mexico to “escape.” But they didn’t manage to escape Us Weekly’s photographers, which makes me wonder why they bother ever leaving the house.

 

12.)          In horrible news, Rihanna and Chris Brown were photographed looking happy and in love. I didn’t spot any bruises on her. So far, so good.

 

13.)          I just might have to watch the Golden Globes this year, since there’s an ad here proclaiming that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are co-hosting. I know this is old news, but the ad got me a little excited.

 

14.)          Rod Stewart has a 7-year-old son, which grosses me out a little.

 

15.)          Celebrity kids look really cute all bundled up for the winter.

 

16.)          Madonna “stomped on Jessica Biel’s Elie Saab dress in Beverly Hills.” The NERVE of that bitch!

 

17.)          Anytime stars are photographed with their dogs, I love them a little more. Jenna Dewan-Tatum – I’ve never really given you much thought, but you’re adorable when you kiss your sweet little pit bull.

 

18.)          Jennifer Lopez is still dating her backup dancer boy toy. They played in a charity football game together, but Us Weekly neglected to share the name of the charity.

 

19.)          And in other happy relationship news, Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are still going strong, HalleBerry is in a rush to marry Olivier Martinez, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis like Red Lobster, and Kanye puts Kim K’s needs first. He’d better get used to that, ‘cause he’ll be going out for late-night ice cream runs before long.

 

20.)          Patrick Dempsey, who plays a doctor on TV and plays a superhero in real life, is trying to buy the Tully’s coffee chain. Tully’s declared bankruptcy and if the sale goes through, Dempsey will have saved more than 500 jobs. Good on you, Pat!

 

21.)          Kristen Stewart is the second most bankable star, according to Forbes. She lost out to Natalie Portman, who hasn’t made a movie in a while. Forbes needs to fire the people who made that list.

 

22.)          Yoko Ono told Rolling Stone magazine that Paul McCartney was responsible for breaking up the Beatles.

 

23.)          Perhaps we will finally learn how Ted Mosby met his baby mama. Next season will be How I Met Your Mother’s last.

 

24.)          So Brandy got engaged. Not sure that’s still important.

 

25.)          Bethenny Frankel is “devastated” by her pending divorce, but is still living with her soon-to-be-ex .

 

26.)          Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham has raised her children to have manners. I wonder if that includes actually smiling when they’re having their pictures taken.

 

27.)          Real Housewife of Atlanta Kenya Moore claims her relationship on the show was fake, meaning the fact that she appeared clingy and desperate for marriage to her boyfriend was totally NOT TRUE. Meanwhile, her ex claims he was the one who was faking it.

 

28.)          You, too, can go “from baby to bikini in six months!” Just do what Kourtney Kardashian did! Well, let me be more specific. Do what Kourtney did after her SECOND pregnancy, which was yoga and eating healthy with a reasonable amount of exercise. This is much better than the last time when she starved herself and exercised herself into the ground. Don’t do that.

 

29.)          And in other “diet secrets of the stars” it’s more of the same B.S. Except in Jennifer Lawrence’s case. She just has “a healthy attitude.” That, I can live with.

 

30.)          Wanna know what’s in Jennie Garth’s fridge? Yeah, me neither.

 

31.)          Jenni Pulos of “Flipping Out” fame is having a baby. Meanwhile, her asshole boss wants her to name the baby after him!

 

32.)          Us Weekly reveals “Secrets of Downton Abbey.” But I won’t share them with you. They’re SECRETS!

 

33.)          Naomi Watts, who is starring in a movie about a tsunami, admits she’s “afraid of waves.”

 

34.)          Side braids are the latest in weird hair fashion.

 

35.)          Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fans are probably waiting with baited breath for the episode in which Brandi confronts one of her ex-husband’s many mistresses. Alas, it’s not his most recent mistress, LeAnn Rimes, who wound up becoming his wife.

 

36.)          T-shirts can be dressy!

 

37.)          TV ALERT! This Sunday, TLC will be airing the first of four “special” episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Set your VCRs, which is what I think the Boo Boo family is still using.

 

38.)          Mariah Carey never ceases to amaze me with the so-called “looks” she chooses. A giant hankie with a wide belt is NOT a good look, love!

 

My apologies for this blog being so late! I had big New Year’s Day plans that took me to Pasadena to see the Stanford Cardinal run over the Wisconsin Badgers in the Rose Bowl. It was BEAUTIFUL! I expect my next issue of Us Weekly to be in my mailbox tomorrow, so you won’t have to wait long for the next issue of What I Learned… Kimye is having a baby, yo!

It’s a holiday double feature, kids! Us Weekly was so anxious to get out this week’s issue, that I didn’t have time to cover last week’s before receiving my new one! So now it’s time to cover what I learned in TWO (count ‘em – TWO) issues of Us Weekly. Among my education is that a baby stripper is on the way and another reality show marriage is kaput. So here goes nothing!

 

1.)                Brooke Burke has kicked cancer’s ass! Good for her!

 

2.)                Posh Spice snubbed the other Spice Girls at a photo shoot. Too posh for spice, I guess.

 

3.)                Lea Michele, of Glee fame, has decided to let her boobs do the acting from now on.

 

4.)                Ciara’s middle name is Princess.

 

5.)                Sophia Bush should not have cut bangs. She looks ridiculous.

 

6.)                Storage Wars is totally FAKE! Oh Em Gee!

 

7.)                Perennial fashion victim Kristen Stewart claims she’s a “huge fan of the fashion world now … even if oftentimes I don’t even know what I’m wearing.” Good on you for admitting it, KStew.

 

8.)                Jessica Simpson’s second fiddle, Cacee Cobb, put Jess in the passenger seat when she married Donald Faison.

 

9.)                The Kardashian sisters like to hold hands.

 

10.)            Sarah Jessica Parker hosted the Nobel Peace Prize Concert for reasons I simply can’t fathom.

 

11.)            David Beckham looks like a midget next to Duchess Kate.

 

12.)            Tom Hanks does his own banking!

 

13.)            Queen Elizabeth actually invited Wills’ in-laws to the royal Christmas dinner. Apparently, this is simply NOT DONE.

 

14.)            Teresa Guidice is gonna be flipping more tables when fellow Real Housewife of New Jersey Melissa Gorga (Teresa’s sister-in-law and arch enemy) releases her book on secrets to a happy marriage.

 

15.)            In more Kardashian news (sort of), Rob Kardashian’s ex, Rita Ora, cheated on him with *gasp* Jonah Hill. Rob recently went on a tweeting rampage against her, sparking the trending topic #RitaWhora.

 

16.)            Happy couples make for boring stories. And there are four pages in this issue dedicated to that.

 

17.)            Jennifer Aniston has a wax figure in Madame Tussaud’s New York museum. Not sure how close her clone is to the figures of Brangelina.

 

18.)            Naomi Watts is suing a British rag for claiming she staged an elephant polo match. Naomi claims she is an animal lover, but appears to have no problem abusing her assistants.

 

19.)            A couple of middle-aged guys plotted to kill Justin Bieber.

 

20.)            Hugh Grant apologized for being a dick to Jon Stewart, who claimed Grant was the worst guest ever on The Daily Show.

 

21.)            Yes, ladies, a baby stripper is on the way. Channing Tatum knocked up his wife, dancer Jenna Dewan. They’ve been married 7 years, which is “like 20 in Hollywood years,” she says.

 

22.)            A Bachelorette couple is on again because she’s believing his lies. Us Weekly says Jef Holm is full of doo-doo and Emily Maynard is buying into it. “He wants headlines, not her heart.” Um… DUH!

 

23.)            Kelly Clarkson got engaged and she’s really, really happy about it. Which is better than being miserable about it, I suppose.

 

24.)            Katy Perry and John Mayer are still hot and heavy.

 

25.)            There’s a lot of drama among the Real Housewives franchises. Atlanta non-housewife Kenya is a raging bitch, Brandi Glanville outed Beverly Hills housewife Adrienne Maloof’s use of a surrogate, and the Miami ladies have taped an explosive reunion. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I love this stuff!!!

 

26.)            Megan Fox just had a baby and she says he’s already “bossy.” Sounds like he’ll be difficult to work with later in life. Just like his mama.

 

27.)            If you go online to an Us Weekly website, you can see Kim Kardashian’s Instagram photos. Yippee!

 

28.)            Red lips and smoky eyes are all the rage this season. But not together.

 

29.)            Us Weekly’s top film of 2011 is Silver Linings Playbook. I’ve never heard of it.

 

30.)            Demi Moore is looking worse and worse.

 

 

And now! On to PART TWO!

 

1.)  Kim Kardashian’s Instagram photos may be available online, but now she’s fightin’ made because of the privacy policy change. If there’s one person who can make a difference in this, it’s Kim. Right?

 

2.)  Vampires are OUT and witches are IN!

 

3.)  David Letterman struggles with depression. As do I. But I will never have the opportunity to talk about it with Oprah.

 

4.)  Us Weekly thinks Britney Spears, sporting new bangs, looks like Suzanne Somers from her Three’s Company days. Kind of a stretch, but okay.

 

5.)  “With my luck, I’ll get myself to that perfect goal weight and I’ll get hit by a bus.” –Drew Barrymore

 

6.)  Miss USA won Miss Universe! And I couldn’t care less.

 

7.)  Kim Kardashian might want to rethink wearing teeny bikinis with that badonkadonk ass of hers.

 

8.)  Hugh Hefner’s wedding will feature a lot of pink.

 

9.)  Celeb daughters really enjoy dressing up as pretty, pretty princesses.

 

10.)                      Here Comes Honey Boo Boo will be back for an all new season in 2013. Hooray! I think.

 

11.)                      The Kardashian Khristmas card was tacky as always. I don’t even think they were all together for the shoot. Thank goodness for photoshop?

 

12.)                      So Claire Danes had a baby. But does a classy broad like her get on the cover of Us Weekly? NOOOOO!

 

13.)                      I was just thinking to myself that Renee Zellweger hasn’t mattered much for a while now, but here she is in all her lemon-faced glory in Us Weekly!

 

14.)                      Simon Cowell is dating Carmen Electra, but she is NOT his girlfriend.

 

15.)                      Hugh Jackman’s wife looks more like his mother.

 

16.)                      Britney can’t seem to hold down a job for long. Sounds like she might get the boot from X Factor.

 

17.)                      Janet Jackson is getting married! And this time she won’t keep it a secret until the inevitable divorce.

 

18.)                      Madonna is offended by cigarette smoke and almost canceled a concert because of it. What a bitch!

 

19.)                      Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy are getting a divorce and I have a sneaking suspicion her obsession with living in the limelight has something to do with it. Oh, and she apparently hates his very sweet family. Meanwhile, she’s protected her assets so her soon-to-be ex won’t get a penny. Nice.

 

20.)                      Oopsie! My previous story about Bachelorette Emily and her final rose winner Jef (with one F) is no longer relevant. They broke up between issues.

 

21.)                      Us Weekly says the best news of the year is the Royal Fetus and the worst news was the KStew/RPatz breakup. Huh.

 

22.)                      Personally, I think the worst story of 2012 was Snooki having a baby.

 

23.)                      Kendra Wilkinson’s New Year’s resolution is to have another baby. And she says it’s going to be a boy because they’re already used to boys. I didn’t know genders could be determined like that.

 

24.)                      Epsom salt baths are a good way to cure a hangover. Experts do not recommend my tried and true method of hair of the dog.

 

Happy New Year, readers! May 2013 be filled with more of my Us Weekly garbage to take your minds of all the bad stuff in the world.

Something really, really awful happened in Connecticut on Friday, but my so-called favorite publication didn’t give a rat’s ass about that. They simply wanted the world to know that Jessica Alba and her daughter Honor stepped out in matching jackets. I was so floored by the incredible callousness that Us Weekly presented to me on Twitter, that I almost didn’t write the blog this week. But having rethought that, here is what I learned this week – hopefully it’ll take your mind off the tragedy for just a little while.

 

1.)              A Teen Mom 2 star married her now husband in the same courthouse where he appeared to answer a felony shoplifting charge. After his court appearance, he walked down the hall and married Jenelle Evans, whose mom has custody of her 3-year-old son with another man.

 

2.)              Rob Kardashian was cheated on – a lot – by his ex, Rita Oro, and he took to Twitter to badmouth her. His tirades started the trending topic #RitaWhora.

 

3.)               Harry Potter is a thief! Daniel Radcliffe admits that he pilfered two pairs of Harry’s signature specs.

 

4.)              Khloe Kardashian carries socks in her purse.

 

5.)              Cee Lo Green once played running back on his high school football team, but has grown into more of a linebacker in recent years.

 

6.)              Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have designed a handbag that’s covered in prescription pills. True story. And they’re selling it for $55,000. And the pills aren’t even REAL.

 

7.)              Isla Fisher admits her hubby, “Borat” star Sacha Baron Cohen, is “embarrassing in social situations.”

 

8.)              Tori Spelling made my day with her resolution for 2013 – she’s gonna stop having kids!

 

9.)              Us Weekly actually impressed me by not jumping to conclusions about Jennifer Aniston. Us kept mum after Jen was snapped carrying a sweater and bag in front of her stomach, while People decided to declare she’s hiding a pregnancy. Us Weekly shows restraint! It’s a Christmas miracle!

 

10.)          Kate Winslet wore a really ugly hat to a horse race in Hong Kong earlier this month. Princess Beatrice would be envious!

 

11.)          Miley Cyrus continues to try desperately to escape her Disney-esque teen queen reputation. First, she got engaged at 19, then she shaved her head, and now she’s performing with pole dancers.

 

12.)          There are at least 25 celebrities who don’t make New Year’s resolutions and thankfully Tori Spelling isn’t among them.

 

13.)          Stephen Tyler doesn’t have to try very hard to look like a grandmother trying too hard to look young and hip. Does that make sense? Basically, Steven Tyler looks like an old lady.

 

14.)          Kristen Stewart is apparently trying to win back Robert Pattinson’s affections by dressing in see-through gowns.

 

15.)          Awwww! Vampire Diaries’ real-life couple Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder (swoon!) went shopping for a Christmas tree together.

 

16.)          Weeks after their lavish wedding, Us Weekly has declared that Jessica Biel “tamed” Justin Timberlake.

 

17.)          Scarlett Johansson has a new boy toy and they KISSED! Ewwww!

 

18.)          Brooke Mueller, better known as Charlie Sheen’s ex, was rushed to the hospital for (another) suspected drig overdose. Really makes me feel sorry for their twin sons. Some people just really shouldn’t reproduce.

 

19.)          Shannen Doherty still matters! To one girl, anyway. Shannen was forced to call police after one of her Twitter followers threatened to commit suicide if she didn’t call her.

 

20.)          Another reality show couple may soon bite the dust. Former Real Housewife of New York Bethenny Frankel and her hubby Jason Hoppy have been fighting and spending time apart. They have a young daughter. I can’t understand people who think their lives are so important that they’re willing to sacrifice family and relationships just to stay on TV.

 

21.)          Jessica Simpson should prepare herself for another 7 months of the press criticizing her for her weight even though the poor dear is PREGNANT! Breaking news: Jess ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and onion rings while having lunch with a friend. Feel better now that you know that?

 

22.)          Meanwhile, Busy Phillips announced her pregnancy on Twitter with a picture of the stick she peed on.

 

23.)          Hayden Panettiere is back on the market, boys!

 

24.)          In MORE pregnancy news, Us Weekly has decided to offer parenting advice to Kate Middleton based on what they learned from Diana. And there is a brief side note on the horrible story that Kate’s nurse killed herself after being fooled by some radio hosts into connecting them to Kate’s room. But let’s talk about what REALLY matters! Kate will have to give up coffee and liquor! Oh – and what if it’s TWINS! There is no royal indication that it will be, but WHAT IF IT IS!!!

 

25.)          LeAnn Rimes is a bad, bad stepmom. Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville says her kids aren’t safe with her ex’s current wife. One of the kids reportedly ate one of LeAnn’s laxatives thinking it was candy. Why does LeAnn need laxatives? I don’t think it has as much to do with constipation as it does with staying a little too skinny. This is just speculation of course, but what do you expect from someone like me who reads Us Weekly religiously?

 

26.)          Demi Moore is growing more and more pathetic.

 

27.)          Us Weekly thinks Taylor Swift is “moving too fast” in her new relationship with one of those One Direction kids. Don’t they know the faster she jumps into a relationship, the faster she’ll get out of it and write a snappy breakup song about it??

 

28.)          Shocking! The “ladies” from JerseyShore have had a little work done. Nobody tell Deena, but her plastic surgery didn’t really help.

 

29.)          Very few celebs can resist the opportunity to wear an ugly Christmas sweater.

 

30.)          The Hobbit got 2.5 stars from Us Weekly’s movie critic. Perhaps said critic didn’t get as nice a nap as I did when I saw the film over the weekend.

 

Now go hug your kids close. Until next week….

My brother has decided to start a band called The Royal Fetus, based on the good news from Buckingham Palace that Duchess Kate has gone and gotten herself pregnant. I think she’s named Prince William as the father. So let’s get down to what else I learned by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)              A bunch of weird fashion-impaired celebs were snapped wearing t-shirts with an angry Rottweiler on them. According to 100 people in RockefellerCenter, Nicole Richie was the one who wore the look best.

 

2.)              HalleBerry has called a truce with ex-boyfriend and baby daddy Gabriel Aubry. But she waited until her current boyfriend, Olivier Martinez, beat the crap out of the guy on Thanksgiving. This so-called truce involved a few restraining orders, so I don’t think it’s really all that peaceful.

 

3.)              Prince Charles reported the weather for the BBC. I didn’t know he was looking for work, but it’s about time he got a flippin’ job!

 

4.)              Scott Baio hates holding chalk and has only had two pedicures in his entire life!

 

5.)              According to sucky search engine Bing, Kim Kardashian is the most searched for celeb of 2012, which makes me not want to live on this planet anymore.

 

6.)              Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay are totally back together! Okay, not really. It’s just that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry went had coffee.

 

7.)              Celebs don’t like to give their male spawn haircuts. But there are worse things than growing up looking like a girl, I guess. Like having Kourtney Kardashian as a mother.

 

8.)              There’s an ad for Nicki Minaj’s new fragrance Pink Friday, but it looks like it says “Fuck Friday,” which somehow seems more appropriate. And I have a feeling the perfume smells like snatch.

 

9.)              Heidi Montag can read!

 

10.)          I really want Michelle Obama to give me a tour of the White House at Christmas. She’s so rad!

 

11.)          David Beckham retired from soccer. I heard he wants his own talk show, which is frightening to me.

 

12.)          The Hunger Games cast is filming the sequel in Hawaii. I’m not sure what paradise has to do with a deadly game, but whatevs.

 

13.)          Francesca Eastwood will be Miss Golden Globe in February. You may recall her as the spoiled wild child of Clint and Dina Eastwood on Dina’s reality show.

 

14.)          Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively KISSED! Never mind that they’re married. They were totally, like, MAKING OUT!

 

15.)          Matt Damon and his little woman, Luciana, must fight all the time. Us reports that they each try to put the other first. God, that must get tiresome!

 

16.)          Kelly Ripa once played hard-to-get with her now husband Mark Consuelos. “She would reel me in … and release me.” I’m sure she appreciates the fishing metaphor.

 

17.)          Meanwhile, Kelly’s co-host Michael Strahan is engaged to Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife Nicole.

 

18.)          A couple of losers got married. The Biggest Loser contestants Rebecca Meyer and Daniel Wright served gluten-free cake at the ceremony.

 

19.)          Joe Gorga, the mister to Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Melissa Gorga, has named his New Year’s resolution: More kinky sex.

 

20.)          In other housewives news, Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville says that LeAnn Rimes is unstable. I’m inclined to agree, since Brandi’s kids got into LeAnn’s laxatives. But there’s no eating disorder, right?

 

21.)          Yes indeedy! As reported last week, Jessica Simpson’s endorsement deal with Weight Watchers is in trouble now that she’s pregnant again just months after giving birth to daughter Maxwell. Weight Watchers is P.O.ed, but a “Simpson source” says the ads are going to run anyway, with Jess being snapped from the waist up. Hmmm. The plot, and Jessica’s waistline, thickens.

 

22.)          Jay-Z dropped $20,000 on nine pounds of truffles. Candy has gotten expensive! *wink*

 

23.)          Smarmy ex-Bachelor Jake Pavelka is dating sweet little Kristin Chenoweth. But I’ve heard she’s recovering from a head injury, which could explain her poor choices.

 

24.)          The world wasn’t supposed to know about The Royal Fetus, but Kate had a little morning sickness, which sent everyone into a panic and Kate to the hospital. Now we know and Us Weekly can quit speculating on when we can expect a little prince or princess. Us also offers the suggestion that a little girl should be named Diana.

 

25.)          Taylor Swift and One Direction’s Harry Styles are hot and heavy, which is kind of gross. The ever heartbroken breakup song queen admits it’s impossible for her not to fall in love quickly, which means she falls out of love quickly, too, judging from all her hit songs.

 

26.)          Bachelorette Ashley Hebert married her final rose dude and since I’ve seen pics of the ceremony in my handy issue of Us Weekly, I no longer need to watch the stupid televised thing! Wait. I wasn’t planning on it. Media whores!

 

27.)          Sorry ladies, Mario Lopez is off the market. Ol’ Slater married his girlfriend of four years in Mexico.

 

28.)          Us Weekly offers diet tips to get through the winter months. I only took notice of one, though. “Indulge – a little.”

 

29.)          Olivia Munn is temporarily joining the cast of The New Girl as an exotic dancer. She admits she’s a lousy dancer.

 

30.)          Barbara Walters is easily fascinated by people.

 

31.)          Grey’s Anatomy is apparently still on TV.

 

32.)          HopeSprings is out on DVD. And you should buy it because it’s really good and my cousin-in-law wrote it. It’s the perfect stocking stuffer!

 

33.)          Ugh. Chokers are apparently in fashion outside of S&M clubs nowadays. Sweet little Elle Fanning was snapped wearing one.

 

Give the gift of Us Weekly this holiday season! No, don’t go get a subscription. Tell all your friends to read this blog instead!

Jessica Simpson has gone and gotten herself knocked up again, which won’t be good for her Weight Watchers contract. Luckily, she’ll soon have another chance to drop her baby weight, but not until after months of media reports about how fat she is, when “fat” just equals pregnant. So here’s what I learned about that and more by reading Us Weekly!

 

1.)              A teen mom is engaged and he didn’t go to Jared. He went to Zales.

 

2.)              CBS is run by a bunch of dicks. They canned Jennifer Esposito from “Blue Bloods” because she requested a lighter workload. The poor dear has an autoimmune disorder, but CBS doesn’t give a rat’s ass.

 

3.)              The animals used in The Hobbit WERE injured in the making of the film. Four livestock wranglers reported that their sheep, goats, and even a miniature pony died during the making of the film. Director Peter Jackson denies the allegations, but nobody likes to hear about a dead pony and I’m pissed!

 

4.)              Us seems to think that people care what Fran Drescher keeps in her purse. Among the items is pepper spray. The woman seems to think she’s still important enough that someone would want to attack her.

 

5.)              Kelly Osborne is “double jointed EVERYWHERE.” She says it makes her clumsy, but I’d say men who like a gymnast in bed would be intrigued.

 

6.)              Bullying is alive and well on Twitter. Jason Biggs decided to take his frustration out on desperate for love Bachelorette Emily Maynard. He commented on her “weekly physical transformation into Heidi Montag.”  OUCH!

 

7.)              Taylor Swift on an ex who asked her not to write a song about him: “Of course, I was like ‘Oh, don’t worry. I won’t.’ But then I did.” She recently shot a video for a song called “I Knew You Were Trouble,” so let the speculation begin as to who that’s about.

 

8.)              Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn, 6, has stepped into her late mother’s footsteps and is modeling for Guess.

 

9.)              The American Music Awards happened and all I cared about was missing “Once Upon a Time” due to the broadcast. Psy, famous for his Gangnam Style, hooked up with M.C. Hammer and rocked the Hammer pants.

 

10.)          Surprisingly, Jared Leto makes a really ugly woman.

 

11.)          Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are still blissfully happy, despite rumors to the contrary.

 

12.)          Guys! Mayim Bialik is back on the market!

 

13.)          Twitter bullying reached a whole new level last week after Chris Brown deleted his account following a tweet argument with comedienne Jenny Johnson. But he didn’t go away before threatening to shit in her mouth. Rihanna can sure pick ‘em.

 

14.)          Born again child star Angus T. Jones went on a rampage, telling viewers not to watch the filth that is Two and a Half Men. He later apologized, but not before the world decided he is batshit crazy.

 

15.)          If you have a spare $23 million, you can buy Madonna’s Upper West Side duplex.

 

16.)          Apparently desperate to stay relevant, Real World: San Francisco’s David “Puck” Rainey, 44, was sentenced to a year in prison for stalking. He probably snuck into the poor woman’s home to blow snot rockets and eat peanut butter with his fingers.

 

17.)          Lindsay Lohan still isn’t making any friends. Despite her claims that she doesn’t want to be known as a troubled child star, she still behaves badly and her Liz and Dick co-stars are talking smack about her. This is NOT the way to go about winning an Oscar.

 

18.)          Jessica Simpson gave birth in May and apparently couldn’t wait to do it again. So much for her $4 million contract with Weight Watchers! And her plans to marry the baby daddy have also been placed on the back burner. Us Weekly says the pregnancy will be a nice distraction from the rumors that her creepy father is gay.

 

19.)          HalleBerry doesn’t have a good track record with men. Her daughter’s father was apparently beat up pretty badly by her current boyfriend, Olivier Martinez. The ex, Gabriel Aubrey, not only had his ass handed to him, he also got arrested.

 

20.)          Sorry, teenage girls. Justin Bieber is on again with Selena Gomez. Apparently, she was worn down by his desperate pleas. There is hope, though! Us Weekly doesn’t think this relationship will last.

 

21.)          Taylor Swift may soon be writing a breakup song about One Direction’s Harry Styles. She’s developed a crush, and I hope he breaks her heart, ‘cause it’ll make for some cute music in the future.

 

22.)          Rihanna is on a 7-continent tour. Wonder if the penguins in Antarctica will appreciate her music.

 

23.)          Dr. Oz has some hangover remedies! Take note, alcoholics. Asparagus omelets, broth-based soup, and peppermint tea with honey will take the edge off, assuming you can keep it down.

 

24.)          Pippa Middleton is an author! She “wrote” a cookbook. Copying recipes and claiming them for your own seems like an easy way to make a buck.

 

25.)          Sparkle this holiday season! Get a dress with sequins for holiday parties and spend the next day vacuuming those stupid sequins that will inevitably fall off.

 

26.)          You, too, can look like a movie star by matching your makeup to your hair. If you’re a redhead, I’d be careful with that orange eyeliner.

 

27.)          It’s just not the holidays without a Tori Spelling TV movie. She’s playing a singer in this one. Can’t wait!

 

Unfortunately for Us Weekly, Kate Middleton didn’t announce her pregnancy until after press time. Stay tuned for next week when Us will play “Guess the Gender,” dress the not-even-born infant in all the latest fashions, and maybe, just maybe, discuss Williams lack of hair.

From drug overdoses to fat people in plaid, I’m back with the Black Friday edition of what I learned by reading Us Weekly! So buckle up and don’t forget to turn the iron off. Here we go!

 

1.)                Jon Bon Jovi’s daughter was arrested for drug possession and overdosed on heroin in her dorm room at HamiltonCollege. A “source” says Stephanie Bongiovi (Jon’s real last name) is a wild child, but “she’s not a crazy partier.” I beg to differ. Heroin is pretty crazy.

 

2.)                Apparently, there are 25 things we don’t know about Heather Locklear. But there’s no mention of her derailment and subsequent DUI arrest. I guess that’s because we all already know that about her. She does admit to not drinking as much water as she should.

 

3.)                Macy’s is ignoring the public’s request to drop Donald Trump’s fashion line after his post-election Twitter rants became public. At least he isn’t designing a line of toupees.

 

4.)                Daniel Craig says Rihanna would make a better Bond girl than Beyonce because “she’s dirtier.” Hmmmm….

 

5.)                Jennifer Aniston attended an event in a black and white number that reminded Us Weekly of the famous prom dress worn by Kelly AND Brenda in Beverly Hills 90210. Remember that episode? It’s the one in which Brenda gave up the big V to Dylan, but before Kelly got Brenda’s sloppy seconds.

 

6.)                One Direction is really annoying. They’re comparing themselves to the Beatles and there’s going to be a 3-D movie about them. The only thing I can think of to compare One Direction with the Beatles is the word HELP!

 

7.)                Kendall Jenner is 17 and she’s already approaching Level Red in the Kardashian Alert System.

 

8.)                2012 is the Year of the Redhead. Too bad for redheads that Us Weekly didn’t make this determination until the year is almost over.

 

9.)                Taylor Swift is apparently already working on her next album of breakup songs. She’s now “hanging out” with Harry Styles of One Direction. I hope she writes something nasty about him.

 

10.)            Johnny Depp has uttered those three little words every woman wants to hear. But he didn’t utter them to me. Amber Heard is the lucky winner of Johnny’s heart.

 

11.)            In maturity news, Katy Perry reportedly hid under the table to avoid a confrontation with her ex, Russell Brand.

 

12.)            Apparently, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have concluded the breakup portion of their relationship.

 

13.)            Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore apparently started a child sex trafficking charity. But since they broke up, the charity has been renamed. I’m not sure if they’re for or against child sex trafficking, since Us Weekly didn’t include the word “anti” in the description.

 

14.)            A two-bedroom home in L.A. ran James Franco $775,000. I would want a few more rooms for that price!

 

15.)            Yes, Reese Witherspoon is still happily married and still has a newborn. Not sure what the update is from last week’s non-story.

 

16.)            Mick Jagger is finally getting some satisfaction in the form of his latest girlfriend. He likes her because she’s independent and has reportedly been “besotted” for more than a decade.

 

17.)            Alex O’Loughlin, the Hawaii Five-0 hottie, named his son Lion.

 

18.)            Us Weekly has decided that Kate Middleton will be knocked up by Christmas. They have reportedly “cleared their schedules” for some baby makin’.

 

19.)            Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson showed up together at the Breaking Dawn premiere, but they’re still “a couple at risk.” Should we call a social worker?

 

20.)            Lindsay Lohan is totally delusional. She says jail was “a blessing in disguise,” regrets nothing, but tells her 16-year-old self not to drink and drive, and believes she’s going to win an Oscar. At least she didn’t have to play against type (much) when she starred as Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie. Liz was also a bit of a train wreck. But you can’t win Oscars for Lifetime movies.

 

21.)            There’s an actor named Jackson Rathbone that I’m apparently supposed to care about.

 

22.)            Stars wear some REALLY ugly clothes. One of the biggest offenders is Cee Lo Green, who was photographed looking like Humpty Dumpty as a lumberjack.

 

23.)            Celebrities who are happy make for a really boring issue.

“Reality” TV takes center stage (again) in this week’s Us Weekly, which is dishing on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I can’t WAIT to share what I learned, so here goes:

 

1.)                Reese Witherspoon named her new son Tennessee. I suppose it’s better than naming your baby after a piece of fruit, but I’m thinking she could have come up with a better state. No offense to Tennessee, which is home to some great music, but I’d have gone with something that gave a little more direction. Like South Dakota. South for short.

 

2.)                Ashley Judd is reportedly being BEGGED to run for Senate in 2014. Maybe she should aim a little lower to start. Like city counsel or something.

 

3.)                Kirstie Alley may be fat, but she’s also a slut.

 

4.)                Apparently orthodontia is no longer needed. Famous people embrace their gapped-tooth looks. Michael Strahan is the worst offender. You could fit an Italian sausage between those choppers!

 

5.)                Donald Trump is a douche. Okay, this isn’t news. But NOBODY picks on Brian Williams and gets away with it.

 

6.)                Britney Spears is in talks to write an autobiography. I hope she can spell “me.”

 

7.)                Dancing with the Stars pro Cheryl Burke is in talks to become the next Bachelorette.

 

8.)                Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are eternally grateful to Reese Witherspoon for giving birth on the same day as Megan and taking the attention away from their birth.

 

9.)                Kate Moss dissed Christy Turlington because Christy was caught wearing a twin set. The HORROR!!! Kate, shut up and go sniff something white and powdery.

 

10.)            Kate Middleton was caught wearing the same dress TWICE! Oh, the humanity!

 

11.)            Guys! Guys! Rihanna is going nekkid for GQ.

 

12.)            Tom Hanks is playing Walt Disney in an upcoming film.

 

13.)            Break out the hankies. Twilight is finally going away. “Lucky” for us, Kristen Stewart’s cheating scandal will likely keep her and Robert Pattinson in the headlines for months to come.

 

14.)            Apparently, John Stamos is still relevant enough to be photographed riding a roller coaster.

 

15.)            Famous bi-sexual Anna Paquin just won’t talk about her twins. I don’t mean her boobies, I actually mean BABIES.

 

16.)            Mary-Kate Olsen is dating a 42-year-old man and it’s kind of gross.

 

17.)            Justin Bieber is back on the market, pre-teen girls. But apparently he’s doing everything he can to get back with his ex, Selena Gomez, including proposing marriage. Justin is also apparently tattooed, which is also kind of gross. Not that I have anything against tattoos (I have two), but Justin Bieber with tattoos kind of takes the romance out of it for the rest of us.

 

18.)            In Brangelina news, they have messy pizza parties with their kids.

 

19.)            Kim Kardashian plans to lose 10 pounds (probably entirely from her ass), and she’s turned to Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer to get it done.

 

20.)            Jason Trawick apparently talks smack about his fiancée, Brit-Brit. To prove his case, he puts her on speakerphone so other people can hear her crazy rants. A “source” says it’s not likely they’ll make it down the aisle and I’m inclined to agree.

 

21.)            Bachelorette update: Ashley Hebert and her TV fiancé will get married in a two-hour special. Bachelorette host Chris Harrison will officiate. How romantic! Do you think she’ll carry roses?

 

22.)            Brooke Burke has thyroid cancer. She annoys me, but that’s sad news.

 

23.)            REAL HOUSEWIVES FANS (you know who you are): Kim Zolciak is quitting the show and Kenya Moore is a raging bitch who can’t seem to get along with anybody. Meanwhile, Kim has been replaced with new girl Porscha Stewart whose claim to fame is nothing that I can find. And ousted wife Sheree claims she’ll never return to the franchise and wants viewers to think it was her idea to leave.

 

24.)            In sad news, Ariel Winter, who plays Alex on Modern Family, was removed from her mother’s custody following years of verbal and emotional abuse. Here’s hoping this little talent will be strengthened by the court-ordered change.

 

25.)            She’ll never get another juicy fat girl role – Marissa Jaret Winokur lost 60 pounds, which counts her out for a Hairspray sequel.

 

26.)            It’s the Music Issue and eternal short-term girlfriend Taylor Swift leads the pack. Also, Psy teaches readers how to dance Gangnam Style.

 

27.)            There’s a short Q&A with Nicki Reed, but something went wrong at the printers and the page is so faded, it’s illegible. So if you want to know about her, you’ll have to pick up another magazine.

 

28.)            The latest in celeb fashion is contrasting patterns. Don’t try this at home. It’s AWFUL!

 

29.)            Ankle boots are where it’s at this winter, which is good for me, since I just got a new pair from Zappos!

 

30.)            Friends, the complete series, is now available on Blu Ray. Still, you won’t be able to get a good look at Ugly Naked Guy.

 

 

Stay tuned for next week when the Justin-Selena breakup will likely be reported more in-depth. I can hardly wait.

Oh, Tay-Tay! You’ve written so many bitter breakup songs! Isn’t it time to consider that maybe YOU’RE the problem? Us Weekly and I both think so!

 

1.)                The Bachelor winner is actually more of a loser. Courtney Robertson claims she felt “brainwashed” during the few months she spent living with her Bachelor ex-fiance Ben Flajnik. Fortunately, she’s learned her lesson about finding love on TV. Wait. No, she hasn’t. She’s currently dating Bachelorette alum Arie Luyendyk.

 

2.)                It’s been 14 years since their breakup and she married to someone else, but Kate Moss has yet to get over Johnny Depp.

 

3.)                Lady celebs don’t like to wash their hair very often. In fact, Adele simply doesn’t use shampoo!

 

4.)                Stay classy, Frasier! Kelsey Grammar and his wife brought their 3-month-old daughter to a Halloween party at the PlayboyMansion.

 

5.)                Justin Bieber is a fraidy-cat! He’s scared of Hollywood, flying, kissing his girlfriend, elevators, and sharks.

 

6.)                Cheryl Hines is a self-proclaimed “never nude.” Fans of Arrested Development will get this.

 

7.)                Husband stealer Gisele Bundchen is having another baby with Tom Brady.

 

8.)                Snooki was photographed without makeup!

 

9.)                Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul takes out his own garbage. Probably because he doesn’t want anyone else to find the remnants of a meth lab in his trash.

 

10.)            AUGH! There’s an ad for the Elizabeth Taylor biopic starring train wreck Lindsay Lohan! La Liz is most certainly spinning in her grave, assuming she wasn’t cremated.

 

11.)            Meanwhile, another Bachelor/Bachelorette alum, Emily Maynard, has bounced back from her failed TV romance by hooking up with some NASCAR dude, while season 7 couple Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum went ring shopping.

 

12.)            Carmen Electra and Simon Cowell dated! Eeeeewwww!

 

13.)            Sharon Osbourne got proactive and got a double mastectomy after learning she had the gene for breast cancer.

 

14.)            Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos survived Hurricane Sandy.

 

15.)            Cover Girl Taylor Swift has broken up with her latest boyfriend, 18-year-old Conor Kennedy, who is four years her junior (and still in high school!). She seems to believe her career and relationships don’t mix, but her string of exes, many of whom also work in entertainment, seems to grow ever longer, leading me to believe it’s time for her to reevaluate herself or just admit she’s only dating people in order to write angry hit songs about them later. I learned in a previous Us Weekly that Taylor’s current hit “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is about Jake Gyllenhaal.

 

16.)            He plays a vampire that sparkles and in real life, Robert Pattinson is just as sappy. He is back with his cheating girlfriend Kristen Stewart, but is apparently not ready to trust her again. DUMP HER, YOU MORON!

 

17.)            A Teen Mom is preggers again. Leah Calvert, mom to 2-year-old twins, got knocked up by her current boyfriend a few months after she miscarried. Do they not teach about the wonders of birth control in South Carolina??

 

18.)            TEEN IDOLS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Well, most of those featured have yet to ditch the spotlight, so this is a pointless “article.”

 

19.)            If you haven’t been in a store lately, you might not be aware that the retail holiday season is upon us. In fact, Costco started celebrating the holidays in August! But all this means to Us Weekly is that long-anticipated movies will be released come yuletide. Of course, I’ve never heard of any of the films mentioned, but apparently people have been waiting for them with baited breath.

 

20.)            Adam Levine made a guest appearance on American Horror Story and his arm got ripped off. I need to start watching this show!

 

21.)            Funky patterned jeans are where it’s at.

 

22.)            Real Housewives fans are getting to know some new housewives in Atlanta and Beverly Hills this season. Among them are an aspiring singer (shocking!), a former actress (wow!), and the wife of a music mogul (desperate!).

 

23.)            Brittany Snow was bullied in high school.

 

24.)            Statement lipstick, which is essentially lipstick in every shade known to man, is what the celebs are rocking. I’m not sure what it is about beige lipstick that makes a statement, but Us Weekly thinks it does.

 

25.)            A fashion don’t is strapping a GIANT BOW to your head. Anyone who does it looks ridiculous.

Jessica Simpson is apparently a big, fat cow! Nevermind that she just had a baby and has always had quite the rack going on. She’s enormous and the Us Weekly doesn’t like it. Now that I know Us Weekly’s definition of “fat,” here is what else I learned:

 

1.)                Britney Spears’ troubled past is coming back to haunt her! She’s being sued and the lawsuit makes some pretty amazing allegations. For example, she shaved her head because she was doing meth and didn’t want anyone to find out about it through a hair follicle test.

 

2.)                Kate Gosselin is fired! No, Donald Trump had nothing to do with it. Ol’ Kate was blogging about couponing and apparently didn’t live up to the company’s standards. The mom of 8 has bigger and better plans for her future – a reality dating show, which I can guarantee will never make it to air.

 

3.)                Uma Thurman named her baby Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurmon-Busson. It’s the hyphen in the last name that will really piss people off.

 

4.)                A bunch of celebs are distantly related to one another. The weirdest is Halle Berry, who is regrettably related somehow to Sarah Palin.

 

5.)                The best advice Ryan Lochte ever received was the classic “Be Yourself” from his dad. I guess daddy didn’t know that actually meant being a total douche.

 

6.)                Oprah Winfrey has a hobby – bathing. And there’s a scary picture of her in a bathtub to accompany the “story” about it.

 

7.)                Christina Aguilera likes to go commando.

 

8.)                Us Weekly got all clever using pictures of various celebrity kids using cell phones presumably to call Suri Cruise.

 

9.)                John Mayer and Katy Perry are getting serious! Us Weekly knows this because Katy got to meet John’s dad after a whopping four months together.

 

10.)            Kim Kardashian wore a sinfully awful white eyelet dress in Italy for a birthday trip with her latest boy toy, Kanye West.

 

11.)            Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani are breaking records! They’ve been married for an entire decade!

 

12.)            Two people from desperation TV’s “Bachelor House” have broken up. I’m shocked at this news since reality TV couples are always in it for the long haul like Gavin and Gwen.

 

13.)            Flavor Flav was arrested in Vegas after allegedly attacking his fiancée and her kids with two knives. This news will come as a surprise to everyone who figured Flavor Flav was already in jail.

 

14.)            Chevy Chase is the latest celeb to offend the bejeezus out of his co-stars by uttering the N-word on set. I have another N-word for him – NO!

 

15.)            Back to the long-lasting reality TV couples! Emily Maynard is really pissed because her ex, the guy she got engaged to on her SECOND appearance in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, is writing a tell-all book about her. Apparently, Em thinks people actually care enough about her to buy the book.

 

16.)            In Jolie-Pitt news, the kids got out of the house again. And they had burgers with their “manny.” (For those of you out of the loop, their nanny is a dude.)

 

17.)            Heidi Montag Pratt, some plastic surgeon’s dream come true, was spotted hosting an anniversary party for a strip club in Vegas. She probably spent her time there reminiscing about when she was relevant for unknown reasons.

 

18.)            Honey Boo Boo tried spaghetti with “fancy” sauce at the restaurant owned by Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’ Lisa Vanderpump.

 

19.)            Celeb moms have big plans for their children’s Halloween costumes. No word on how they’ll dress their dogs.

 

20.)            Jessica Simpson wants to be a “phenomenal role model” for her daughter Maxwell. So she’s dieting to lose weight instead of teaching that people of all sizes are beautiful. Really – the girl doesn’t need to lose weight, she just needs to hire a decent stylist.

 

21.)            Us Weekly readers know how to ask the important questions. Chris Downey of Portland, Maine wants to know what President Obama would do with a day off. The President smartly said he’d volunteer for his reelection campaign – after spending time with his family and catching a Bears game.

 

22.)             The Wedding of the Century happened! Okay, it’s the wedding of the century only until Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt marry their respective significant others, but I digress. Ladies, I’m sorry to say Justin Timberlake is officially off the market. But I’m sure if you’re hot enough, he’ll cheat on Jessica Biel with you! Oh – and Justin’s former bandmates were N’Snubbed! Only two of the four N’Syncers were actually invited to the ceremony. Lance Bass and Joey Fatone didn’t make the cut – possibly because they’re both media whores.

 

23.)            In other baby news, the world has been cursed with yet another Trump. Donald Jr.’s wife had a boy last week. Let’s hope this one never makes a run for president.

 

24.)            Lance Armstrong has been banned from cycling for life in addition to being stripped of his Tour de France titles. This means Lance and I are tied for number of wins in the Tour de France!

 

25.)            HOLY CRAP! People actually wear white after Labor Day????

 

26.)            I’m not the only one rocking sexy glasses these days. Kim Kardashian, Christina Hendicks, Dakota Fanning, and Mary J. Blige have been snapped wearing some not-as-sexy-as-mine-are frames.

 

27.)            There is more than one way to wear a ponytail.

 

28.)            Annnnnnnd… Magic Mike is out on DVD. Pardon me. Gotta go.