susieworld

Just look at that member!

Wanna know what it’s like to be involved with a sex addict? Read on to find out about that and everything else I learned by reading Us Weekly!

1.)                 Justin Bieber is one freaky dude. Taking a page out of the Michael Jackson handbook, he stepped out in public wearing a gas mask in London and tabloids are claiming he’s on the verge of a breakdown. I’ll keep you posted!

2.)                 Jon Hamm’s penis is back in the news! (It even has its own Twitter account!) Apparently, the “Mad Men” actor has a habit of going commando at work and his pee-pee has become a distraction to his co-stars. A show source said the costumers “have their hands full.” HA!

3.)                 Stars aren’t afraid to admit to bribing their children to get them to do things.

4.)                 Jay Leno (who can kiss my cute little ass) is on the way out (again) and JIMMY FALLON will be taking his place on “The Tonight Show.” This is good news for everyone under the age of 50 with a decent sense of humor.

5.)                 Don’t worry! L’il Wayne is on the mend!

6.)                 Jenna Fischer of “The Office” once worked as a telephone psychic.

7.)                 Elle Fanning has a crush on Ryan Gosling and once got a coloring book of the actor for Christmas.

8.)                 Rob Lowe got to use a jetpack and it looks so cool!

9.)                 Despite what I said about not calling Kim Kardashian fat in last week’s blog, I have to say she doesn’t exactly look skinny in a skin tight top and pencil skirt with her pregnant belly.

10.)             Bravo TV exec Andy Cohen has a rockin’ body!

11.)             The Kids’ Choice Awards happened and I honestly think some of the celebs who participated are people most kids haven’t even heard of.

12.)             Lisa Vanderpump may be starring on two series (“The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and “Dancing with the Stars”), but the REAL superstar is her teacup Pomeranian, Giggy, who is always impeccably dressed.

13.)             Kim K could use some style advice from pregnant Jenna Dewan (Mrs. Channing Tatum). Dewan rocks pregnancy garb and doesn’t ever look frumpy.

14.)             The new season of “The Bachelorette” will feature two teams of men vying for the affections of former “Bachelor” cast-off Desiree Hartsock.

15.)             Justin Timberlake’s hair has gone through evolution. Thank God it’s looking better these days than in his frosted tip era.

16.)             Willie Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” says his wife was his summer crush.

17.)             Miranda Lambert can’t wait to find out if her relationship with Blake Shelton is going to survive. She updates her relationship status by reading the tabloids that have most recently claimed Blake cheated on her.

18.)             After admitting in last week’s issue that she didn’t feel pretty enough to snag Jason Sudekis, Olivia Wilde now says they are blissfully engaged.

19.)             Denise Richards is a total soccer mom.

20.)             Us Weekly is really terrible at keeping secrets. They’re breaking the news that Hayden Panettiere is “secretly engaged” to a boxer. The pugilist variety, not the dog breed.

21.)             Sofia Vergara plans on using a surrogate to have a baby with her fiancé.

22.)             Mary-Kate Olson doesn’t want to get married. Her boyfriend is 47 (she’s 26), and he wants to pop the question, but she’s hedging.

23.)             Bachelor Sean Lowe and his final rose recipient Catherine Guidici have already hit a rough patch. But apparently they’re over it.

24.)             Snooki named J-Woww as her baby’s godmother.

25.)             Helena Bonham Carter will play Elizabeth Taylor to Dominic West’s Richard Burton in an upcoming film that is not being directed by Carter’s sweetie Tim Burton. I don’t see her in the role, but she’s a better choice than LiLo.

26.)             I didn’t even know they were dating, but Malcolm-Jamal Warner and Regina King have called it quits.

27.)             If you like My Chemical Romance, you will be disappointed to know that they broke up.

28.)             Former Teen Mom Farrah Abraham snagged herself a DUI. Keep it classy, Farrah!

29.)             Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie make more than just babies. Their wine earned 90 points from Wine Spectator.

30.)             THIS PART IS ABOUT SEX ADDICTION!! Did I get your attention? Tiger Woods likes nookie and Lindsey Vonn doesn’t seem to mind. Meanwhile, ol’ Tiger had some competition in vying for Lindsey’s affections in the form of Kim Kardashian ex Kris Humphries. Linds sure knows how to pick ‘em! Meanwhile, her dating life may affect her endorsement deals. “What female-focused company wants its spokesperson dating a former sex addict?” a “pal” said. I want to know who things Tiger is actually cured of his addiction.

31.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’ Adrienne Maloof broke her contract with Bravo by not attending the reunion show. She was too chicken shit to face the music when it came to her battle with Brandi Glanville over the news that Adrienne used a surrogate to have her 9-year-old twins. WHO THE HELL CARES, ADRIENNE?? Face the music, ya dumb whore! (Sorry. I am very strongly on Brandi’s side in this reality show debacle and won’t miss Adrienne next season since she’s a big fat quitter!)

32.)             People are a little peeved at Matt Lauer, myself included, for his role in getting the very talented Ann Curry ousted from “The Today Show.” NBC could give him the boot before his contract is up in 2015.

33.)             A bunch of women have undergone self makeovers and they look simply lovely. But I don’t need 10 pages of it! What a waste of space that could be better used to report celebrity bullshit!

34.)             Back to the “Real Housewives” franchise. Despite earlier intentions, Alexis Bellino is back as an OrangeCounty housewife. Jesus Jugs, as she was so aptly named by a castmate, has a new Bible-thumping ally this season, though, which could make things more interesting.

35.)             There may be another zombie on “The Walking Dead.” Apparently, someone is going to die, but no one knows who.

36.)             Tie-dye dresses are unattractive on just about everyone.

37.)             “Mad Men,” starring Jon Hamm’s penis, is returning on April 7! Set your DVRs and tune in on HD.

So that’s what I learned. I would like to learn more about Jon Hamm’s penis, but I doubt I’ll ever get the chance to meet it in person to ask a few questions. Happy Easter!

  Don’t call Kim Kardashian fat! I’ll tell you what will happen to you if you do once I get to that story in this week’s Us Weekly!

1.)                 The Bachelor alum Jason Mesnick and wife Molly had a daughter. Jason famously chose another woman to be his wife before dumping her to marry Molly. But so far, the relationship is a success, which is totally amazeballs since that show isn’t exactly known for resulting in much more than one night stands.

2.)                 Fans of “Veronica Mars” have deep pockets. Deep enough to have helped fund a movie version of the hit series.

3.)                 It sucks to live with Gwyneth Paltrow. She doesn’t let her husband or kids eat carbs. Meanwhile, she tells Us she almost died after suffering a miscarriage a few years back.

4.)                 Olivia Wilde didn’t think her fiancé, SNL star Jason Sudekis, would be interested in her because she isn’t pretty enough.

5.)                 For a pro-football player, Tom Brady has surprisingly small pecs.

6.)                 Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are back together!

7.)                 Lindsay Lohan got off easy once again. She was sentenced to 90 days of rehab, 30 days of community service, and 18 months of therapy for reckless driving. That train wreck should be spending quality time behind bars!

8.)                 I regret to inform you that “Bachelor Pad” will be taking a hiatus and won’t air this summer. You’ll have to watch attractive people getting drunk and having orgies over on MTV’s “Real World” instead.

9.)                 I guess Us Weekly is a little behind on the John Mayer/Katy Perry story. Us reports they’re not broken up, while People says it’s totes OVER!

10.)             Liam Hemsworth’s friends apparently aren’t fans of fiancée Miley Cyrus. They want him to break up with her.

11.)             Former Playmate Holly Madison named her kid Rainbow.

12.)             Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn decided to turn their relationship into a press event by releasing a joint statement confirming that they are together.

13.)             Britney Spears wasn’t heartbroken for long after her breakup with former bodyguard Jason Trawick. She’s moved on to a new guy who works in a law firm.

14.)             Steve Carell and his wife Nancy are still going strong after 17 years of marriage. He says he has upgraded his gifts to her from homemade coupons for a free massage to actual spa treatments. Good boy!

15.)             COVER STORY: Kim Kardashian, who has never been known as a skinny minnie, doesn’t want people calling her fat just because she’s pregnant and wears inappropriately tight clothing. She wore a black and white dress out and about and bloggers decided to compare her to Shamu. Which is pretty mean. Us Weekly featured an array of Kim pics in different maternity styles, none of which appear to be very maternity-ish, but the mag claims she’s learning how to dress for her condition. I’ll believe it when I see it, but calling the girl a whale is going over the line. At least she’s not stick thin and unhealthy! Meanwhile, Kourtney and Khloe have both lost weight while brother Rob is packing on the pounds. Nothing will happen to you if you call any of them fat, provided you don’t say it to their faces.

16.)             Adele’s getting married! She already had the baby, which took her away from the music world indefinitely, so hopefully the pending marriage won’t make her hiatus last even longer!

17.)             Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough split because he wasn’t ready to settle down. Personally, I think it’s because he’s sadly still in the closet.

18.)             “Teen Mom” star Leah Calvert had yet another baby after giving birth to twins three years ago.

19.)             Jennifer Garner is teaching her daughters the art of makeup. For Jennifer, this means lip gloss and little else. Go, girl!

20.)             The Real Housewives of Orange County are back. Even Alexis “Jesus Jugs” Bellino who reportedly quit during the off-season, but returned with another God fearing friend for the upcoming season. Should be good stuff.

21.)             Speaking of bad TV I have no business watching, I will be tuning in to MTV for the “Real World: Portland” season, which debuts tonight! Since Bachelor Pad is taking a break, I figure I’ll get my drunken debauchery through this show.

My sincere apologies for this blog being so late! My husband attempted to recycle this week’s issue before I had the chance to write about it! So he very sweetly dug it out of the recycling can for me. Major props to Mr. Susie!!! Until next week, lovers, which will probably be in two days… Keep on gossipin’!

Isn’t she precious! (Photo courtesy of @RoyalFetus on Twitter.)

I don’t know how they did it, but Us Weekly has apparently learned a few private things about the Royal Fetus. I suppose the simplest way would be to simply ask the Royal Fetus directly, so I’m sure that’s what they did. Here are some more secrets I learned by reading Us Weekly:

1.)                 Vanessa Lachey admits she suffered from post-partum depression, but Starbucks and OneRepublic helped her overcome it.

2.)                 George Lucas announced that Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford have all signed on for the next Star Wars trilogy. I was a little worried that Harry would hold out and it just wouldn’t be the same without him. The dude is 70! Can’t wait to see elder porn with him and Carrie.

3.)                 Gwyneth Paltrow admits “I should have worn a bra” to the 2002 Oscars, to which she wore a sheer-ish gown that emphasized her not-so-perky boobs.

4.)                 The woman who once netted $12 million per movie is now asking her ex for alimony. She’s proven to be desperate about a lot of things. I’ll let you guess who I’m talking about, but don’t cheat by going out and buying this week’s Us, or you’ll have no reason to continue reading this blog!

5.)                 Nicki Minaj was the star of this week’s “What’s in my Bag” feature and I was shocked that her purse isn’t full of morning-after pills and KY jelly.

6.)                 Carly Rae Jepsen may have annoyed the universe with “Call Me Maybe,” but she gets major points from me for backing out of headlining the Boy Scouts’ National Scout Jamboree because the scouts are homophobes.

7.)                 Matt Damon got his butt spray tanned for his role in the upcoming Liberace biopic and his wife got to watch!

8.)                 Jessica Simpson is moving into Ozzy Osbourne’s former home and plans to re-paint the black walls.

9.)                 Ugh. Harry Styles of One Direction is going to be recreated in wax for Madame Tussaud’s. The wax museum is really slumming these days. Can’t they wait until a celeb has made more of a mark than becoming an overnight sensation and soon-to-be has-been?

10.)             Khloe Kardashian was snapped wearing gartered tights with a skirt that was much too short, showing off the garters. That’s not the way you’re supposed to do it, Khloe. You leave a little to the imagination to be sexy.

11.)             Paris Jackson, who is sporting shorter, darker hair, is now a cheerleader for her L.A. high school.

12.)             Guys! Zoe Saldana has a sister. And she’s equally hot! Ladies! Justin Long has a brother! And he’s equally awkward-looking.

13.)             Liev Schrieber is “just like Us” because he washes himself down. The difference is that he does so by going shirtless and dousing himself with a gallon of water like he belongs in a Diet Pepsi commercial from the ‘90s.

14.)             It’s “time to unwind” for Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, whatever that means.

15.)             Anne Hathaway is not loved by all. She’s been upset by recent comments from Hatha-haters, as she lovingly calls them.

16.)             Ali Larter’s son is going through the terrible twos – just as she started to think she had the whole parenting thing under control.

17.)             Maggie Gyllenhaal got her 7-year-old daughter a fancy pair of vintage slippers just because the kid was home sick.

18.)             If you grew up in the 80s, as I did, you will be pleased or disgusted to know they’re remaking a movie from that era. “Heat” will star Sofia Vergara and Jason Statham.

19.)             Sarah Jessica Parker has given up heels! (Except for special occasions, of course.) And it’s all because she now has a deformed foot from wearing stilettos for so many years.

20.)             In really, really BAD news, Jon Stewart has announced that he will be taking the entire summer off from taping “The Daily Show.” In better news, Jon Oliver will fill in as host.

21.)             Alec Baldwin has announced that his wife will soon be presenting him with another “selfish little pig.” A daughter!

22.)             Holy frijoles! Ferris Bueller is 51 freakin’ years old!

23.)             Kristin Cavillari claims that “The Hills” producers asked her co-stars to lie about her drug use by plying them with Birkin bags.

24.)             Justin Timberlake cleverly took a shot at Kanye West during his live performance of “Suit and Tie” on SNL last weekend. While, I’m no fan of Kanye, I have to agree with his opinion that the song sucks. JT has simply stopped trying. Except when he’s doing “History of Rap” routines with Jimmy Fallon.

25.)             Kelly Osbourne apparently had a seizure while taping “Fashion Police” for E! Unfortunately, the seizure won’t be aired.

26.)             Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville penned a memoir recently and it’s already been tossed around by movie makers.

27.)             Buh-bye, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Lord split ya! Oh, and Brooke Shields’ name has been bandied about as a possible replacement.

28.)             COVER STORY: The Royal Fetus has been nicknamed “Grape” by her parents. Kate has been craving chocolate. And Wills spends as much time with her as possible. Secrets revealed! For the record, the Royal Fetus has a Twitter account where more secrets are surely revealed. Follow @RoyalFetus and tell it SusieWorld sent ya! This week’s image is courtesy of that twitter feed!

29.)             It’s looking like Miley Cyrus’ engagement to Liam Hemsworth is OFF! He reportedly cheated on her with January Jones.

30.)             Wynonna Judd says she will vote for her sister Ashley if Ash decides to run for public office, even though they don’t agree on much politically.

31.)             Taylor Swift had her “worst week ever,” according to Us. Wonder how many boys broke up with her.

32.)             Okay, the best way to ruin a classic novel is to turn it into a 3-D movie. Which is what they’re doing with “The Great Gatsby.” I was looking forward to this flick, but now I think I’ll pass. Plus, the ladies are all wearing Prada instead of vintage.

33.)             If one of them isn’t enough crazy for you, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen end up “clicking” as bed partners in “Scary Movie 5.” Now THAT’S a scary movie!

So? Do you feel more informed? Do you feel like you’re practically inside Duchess Kate’s uterus? Do you want to climb into bed with Lindsay Lohan? I hope you’re feeling all this and more!!! Thanks for reading!

I couldn’t find an image of this week’s cover, so here is a picture of a kitten.

So most of what I learned this week is who all the ladies wore to the Oscars. But the cover story was about the (air quotes) virgin (un-air quotes) bachelor being torn between two women. There’s good stuff this week, though, so check it out!

1.)                Us Weekly begins the issue by being its usual presumptuous self by claiming to know “what went wrong” between Josh Brolin and Diane Lane, who recently ended their eight-year marriage. But “a pal” says it was simply too much time apart. “It’s not ugly. It’s just over.”

2.)                Don’t MESS with Kelly Clarkson! She’s a little POed at Clive Davis, who she says lied about her in his new memoir and in real life made her cry.

3.)                Divas will be divas. Even in the delivery room. Beyonce’s mom curled her hair before she gave birth. Snooki wore bronzer and false eyelashes to deliver her son. And Mariah Carey pushed out two oddly-named babies before changing into a wedding gown and renewing her vows.

4.)                Boy George recently lost a shit-ton of weight! Go, boy!

5.)                66% of Us Weekly readers say Harper Beckham has a better pout than her famous Spice Girl mom, Victoria.

6.)                QUOTE OF THE ISSUE: “I’ve been watching shows like ‘I’m Pregnant and Addicted to Meth.’ It definitely makes me feel better if I’m wanting one sip of Diet Coke … I’m like, ‘This woman is on METH.’” –Kim Kardashian

7.)                81% of Us Weekly readers agree with me and abhor Anne Hathaway’s Oscar gown.

8.)                Kristen Stewart, who annoys the bejeezus out of me, was a gimp at the awards show because she’d stepped on a piece of glass and didn’t want to use crutches. So she looked like an idiot instead. Also, she needs a comb.

9.)                The highlight of George Clooney’s post-Oscar “Argo” bash was that everyone wanted to do shots.

10.)            The bar was substantially lowered after the Academy Awards, as evidenced by the attendance list at Elton John’s AIDS Foundation party. Britney Spears and all three Kardashians were in attendance. Brit-Brit is sporting darker locks these days and looks good considering who she is.

11.)            There was another awards show last weekend. No one cares about the Independent Spirit Awards, though.

12.)            Natalie Portman’s Yorkshire terrier must pee a lot. She named him “Whiz.”

13.)            Now that they’ve announced she’s preggers, Fergie and Josh Duhamel are “nesting” by remodeling their house. Nothing like the chaos of a remodel followed immediately by the chaos of a newborn.

14.)            Dev Patel and Freida Pinto may be skinny, but they do eat.

15.)            Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer had a date night! OMG!

16.)            Former Bachelorette Emily Maynard is peeved that she was snubbed by Dancing With the Stars.

17.)            Andy Samberg put SOMETHING in a box. Apparently it was not his dick, but a ring. He’s engaged to a woman he’s been dating for the last five years. Don’t worry. You’ve never heard of her.

18.)            LeAnn Rimes may get her own TV show, much to Brandi Glanville’s chagrin. Rumors have been swirling that LeAnn could be joining her husband’s ex on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I don’t see that happening. LeAnn’s people say she has been approached to do both unscripted and scripted TV.

19.)            Christina Applegate quietly got married last month. It was so quiet, only six people were invited.

20.)            Jennifer Love Hewitt is not married, or even attached, but she’s gonna have a baby, dammit!

21.)            Bethenny Frankel’s ex, Jason Hoppy has friends looking out for him by trying to set him up with dates.

22.)            Janet Jackson also quietly got married. Last year. But she tends to quietly get married as a rule.

23.)            Uh oh. Lindsay Lohan is in a heap of trouble with a little agency known as the IRS.

24.)            Mark your calendars! Justin Timberlake will be hosting SNL on March 9 and will perform with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night that entire week. Love me some JT. And if you have not seen his “History of Rap” videos with Jimmy, get thee on the You Tube and watch them!

25.)            Catherine and Lindsay are the two finalists to become the future ex-wife of Bachelor Sean Lowe. Meanwhile, producers are already looking at the cast offs to see who will become the next Bachelorette.

26.)            Duchess Kate is starting to show!

27.)            And Prince Harry has a new lady.

28.)            I’m sad to report that Michelle Williams and Jason Segel have split. Like Josh and Diane, it was mainly because they were too busy leading separate lives to see each other. I liked these two together, so, BUMMER!

29.)            The USO doesn’t get the kind of command performances it used to. This year’s special guest was Kellie Pickler, who was on American Idol but didn’t win.

30.)            In its parting shot, Us Weekly features the biggest fashion victims in Oscar history. Among them are Cher, Faith Hill, Gwyneth Paltrow, Geena Davis, Whoopi Goldberg, and, of course, Bjork who famously laid an egg in her swan dress on the red carpet. Personally, I’d say she was among the best dressed! Did you SEE some of those gowns last week? Ugh!

So that’s it, ladies and germs! Hope you’re as edumacated as I am on the goings-on in Tinseltown. Until next week, I bid you adieu!

Booking your kid for Playboy is damned fine parenting, don’t ya think?

I picked up my mail on the way out the door to work and brought my Us Weekly with me to the office. I laughed through the entire commute because this week’s cover story is about Kris Jenner’s mistakes as a mom! The list must be endless, so I hope you’ve got some extra time to read about what I learned this week.

1.)                All the ladies are wearing pale pink gowns to red carpet events these days. And they all look good! Not a tacky dress in the bunch!

2.)                Lady Gaga’s tour is OFF! She hurt her right hip and had to cancel 21 shows. The injury is from all the dancing she does on stage, which bugs me because isn’t she supposed to be a singer? It’s pretty hard to sing and do all those fancy dance moves without sounding like a panting dog. Not that I’ve tried, but I imagine.

3.)                Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, 4, made herself $3,000 a week for appearing in one of her mommy’s movies.

4.)                Steve Martin is a first-time dad at the ripe old age of 67.

5.)                DIVAS TO THE RESCUE! Jennifer Lopez stopped a Ukranian prankster from screwing up Adele’s acceptance speech at the Grammys, Sofia Vergara monitored a woman’s pulse after the woman collapsed in Vegas, Carrie Underwood rescued a puppy from a busy highway, Kelly Osborne thwarted an attempted car burglary, and Shannen Doherty (I’m a little skeptical about her “diva” status) called 911 after one of her fans threatened to commit suicide.

6.)                John Corbett has a hairdresser’s license.

7.)                Taylor Swift says she’s not a yeller when it comes to her many breakups. “If something’s done, it’s done. There’s nothing that needs to be said.” So she just sings about it instead.

8.)                Bruce Willis says he has never won an Oscar because you don’t win Oscars for comedies or shooting people.

9.)                Matt Damon joked that he is going on a “toilet strike” for a water.org sanitation campaign.

10.)            Ben Affleck has his very own PUH (personal umbrella handler) – George Clooney. And Justin Timberlake served as PUH for Jay-Z.

11.)            Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s romance is “built on a friendship.”

12.)            Justin Timberlake put his new bride Jessica Biel through the wringer when they were doing that on-again, off-again dating ritual. But now that they’re wed, he swears he’s not going to do anything to screw things up. I give the relationship three years. But I’m an optimist.

13.)            If you’re not sick of Beyonce yet like I am, she’s got a new documentary out. It’s about her, of course.

14.)            Jamie-Lynn Sigler is preggers!

15.)            “Survivor” alums Jenna Morasca and Ethan Zohn broke up after 10 years of dating.

16.)            Maggie Smith says she has never watched an episode of “Downton Abbey.” So we have that in common with each other!

17.)            Alec Baldwin has proved that he, not his daughter Ireland, is the pig. He made racist statements that I won’t repeat here about a New York Post cameraman.

18.)            Fergie is preggers!

19.)            Jessica Simpson has picked out a name for her second kid, due this summer. She says she’s going to name the baby Ace. No word on whether the fetus is a boy or girl, but Jess is a fan of traditionally male monikers for girls. Her 10-month-old daughter is named Maxwell.

20.)            Kate Upton, who made the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue two years in a row, is apparently hated by all the other models. Some sources say the others are just jealous, but I believe it’s more likely that Upton is a total bitch.

21.)            Mario Lopez’s wife is preggers!

22.)            Kardashian “momager” Kris Jenner feels guilty because she doesn’t do enough for her children. But she also admits that everything she does do embarrasses them. Case in point: Kim regrets doing Playboy – a deal that Kris worked out for her. Meanwhile, she says she has no plans to divorce Bruce Jenner, despite all the rumors, and doesn’t feel a lick of shame for letting her two youngest daughters dance the stripper pole on national TV. I could go on and on about all the things I think are wrong about Kris Jenner, but I need to have a life!

23.)            Kris’ three oldest daughters (you know, the annoying ones?) have expanded their klothing empire to include plus-size wear. It’s called Kardashian Kurves.

24.)            In very sad news, country singer Mindy McCready committed suicide following years of substance abuse. Even worse, she killed her dog before she killed herself.

25.)            In “Bachelor” news, Us Weekly reveals “secrets of the final three.” I don’t care about the final three, but the season’s resident bitch, Tierra, is already engaged to another dude!

26.)            Oscar Pistorius: First the Olympics, next, PRISON! For allegedly killing his girlfriend. Which is shocking. But what’s more shocking is that Us Weekly is reporting on an actual news event that has nothing to do with celebrities.

27.)             In WTF news, Lady Gaga has a mannequin in her dressing room that has pink pubic hair. She specifically requested this.

And on that note, I bid you adieu until next week! Sweet dreams of pink pubes!

The Bachelor is a *gasp* VIRGIN! And the whorish ladies trying to find a relationship via reality TV are SHOCKED. Simply SHOCKED. This is much more than I care to know about Bachelor Sean, so let’s get to more important stuff like what else I learned by reading Us Weekly.

1.)                Melissa McCarthy is being bullied for her weight when she should actually be praised for her hilarity. And the bully? None other than movie critic Rex Reed, who called her a “female hippo” and “tractor-sized.” Feel free to send him hate mail and tell him I and Us Weekly sent you. Bullying of any kind is simply unacceptable and this asshat shouldn’t be getting paid to do it.

2.)                L’il Kim underwent a makeover. Before, she was tacky. Now she just looks like a plastic surgery addict.

3.)                Emma Watson, Isla Fisher, and Rachel Bilson all claim they are often mistaken for teenagers. Not something I’d complain about. No one cards me anymore.

4.)                Martha Stewart has not one, but TWO iPads.

5.)                Duff Goldman of “Ace of Cakes” is my new personal hero. When he heard that an Oregon baker refused to make a wedding cake for a lesbian couple, he offered his services for free!

6.)                Miley Cyrus has vowed she will never have long hair again.

7.)                Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren admit they stay home and watch a lot of “Dateline.”

8.)                Katy Perry wore a really ugly mint green dress to the Grammys. Adele’s floral confection wasn’t much better. And Beyonce in a pantsuit? What gives?? Guess I missed a lot by not watching the awards show.

9.)                Speaking of which, Rihanna and Chris Brown made their official re-debut as a couple at the Grammys, which makes me a little ill.

10.)            It appears that Nicole Kidman wears lipstick when she swims in the ocean.

11.)            It’s shocking, I know, but Giselle Bundchen looks absolutely perfect just two months after giving birth.

12.)            Jennifer Aniston has gone platinum blonde for a role. It doesn’t really become her.

13.)            Kim and Kanye are still globetrotting. This time it’s Rio.

14.)            Josh Duhamel and Fergie just “genuinely like each other.” That’s good, since they’re married and all.

15.)            Tobey Macguire and his wife Ruby are apparently good parents. One “source” says they make you actually want to have kids. I would steer clear of these two, lest you become a baby making machine.

16.)            Maria Menounos has been in a relationship for 15 years and has no intention of getting married. She added that her dream wedding would be a kegger.

17.)            Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Adrienne Maloof says her new boy toy, Rod Stewart’s son Sean, helps keep her mind off her pending divorce. Can anyone say rebound???

18.)            Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn are getting serious!

19.)            Katy Perry is no longer BFFs with Rihanna because she doesn’t approve of Ri-Ri’s relationship with Chris Brown.

20.)            “Multiple witnesses” say Cameron Diaz and Michael Fassbender are totes hooking up!

21.)            In TOTALLY AWESOME news, Robin Roberts is set to return to “Good Morning America” after her recent bone marrow transplant.

22.)            Christina Applegate has decided to ditch her crappy sitcom “Up All Night” and is instead gearing up for the “Anchorman” sequel.

23.)            Helen Mirren died her hair pink. And she totally rocks it!

24.)            Nelson Mandella is a fan of “Toddlers and Tiaras.” True story, according to his granddaughters.

25.)            So, the “virgin bachelor” is not technically a virgin. Us Weekly contradicts its cover headline by claiming Sean Lowe just stopped having sex until he gets married. Hope he doesn’t mind being married to a desperate slut.

26.)            Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are shacking up.

27.)            Duchess Kate’s parents picked up the bill to send the royal hotties to an island retreat. No mention of a Babymoon.

28.)            The burning questions about the Oscars aren’t very hot, in my humble opinion. Though I am looking forward to seeing my latest crush, Seth MacFarlane, host.

29.)            Bruce Willis says moms stop him on the street to say, “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.”

30.)            Dustin Hoffman is making his directorial debut and his first challenge is to get Maggie Smith to swear.

31.)            According to Us Weekly, Reese Witherspoon’s lips are too thin, Kim Kardashian has a wide nose, Mila Kunis has a round face, Olivia Wilde has wide-set eyes, and Rihanna has a five-head. Suddenly, I feel much more attractive.

32.)            Lisa Loeb is finally releasing a new album and she says she left NYC for LA “to get tan.”

33.)            Celebs wear some pretty ugly sunglasses.

So that’s what I learned this week. Maybe I’d learn more if I actually read all the articles instead of skimming them for the interesting tidbits. But that would make this blog more legitimate and we don’t want THAT! Don’t tell anyone, okay?

Um…cheating is cheating. So whoever did it first is irrelevant. Stupid people!

The bitch fur is flying between Eddie Cibrian’s ex- and current wives about who cheated first. Current wife LeAnn Rimes is making some not-so-shocking allegations about her cheating spouse’s ex and it’s gettin’ ugly. Keep reading. I’ll get to that later. Meanwhile, here’s the rest of the stuff I learned by reading this week’s Us Weekly:

1.)                Lady Gaga is pretty peeved at her ex-assistant, who is suing the meat-wearing songstress for unpaid wages. “She’s a f-ing hood rat who is suing me for money she didn’t earn.” Gaga makes this claim because the assistant refused to unpack all 20 pieces of the singer’s luggage during tours.

2.)                Ashley Judd and Dario Franchitti are splitsville.

3.)                As it turns out, there’s more than one Teen Mom 2 star who is mental. This may come as a surprise to you, but Kailyn Lowry, 20, admitted she’s bipolar.

4.)                It’s good to be Emma Stone. One reason is that she got to pose – in bed – with Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck. Yep. It’s certainly good to be her.

5.)                It’s official: Rihanna is back with Chris Brown, the douchebag who beat the hell out of her in 2009. She’s clearly sick of people judging her bad decisions. “Even if it’s a mistake, it’s MY mistake.” Okay, then.

6.)                Kim Kardashian is having pregnancy cravings!

7.)                Karl Lagerfield and I have something in common. We both disliked Michelle Obama’s new bangs at the inauguration.

8.)                Us Weekly readers prefer Kris Jenner to Bethenny Frankel when it comes to their upcoming talk shows. Because what the world needs is more stupidly famous people hosting talk shows.

9.)                Selena Gomez claims she’s “a little bit more sassy” since her breakup with the Biebs.

10.)            QUOTE OF THE ISSUE – Channing Tatum on his future spawn: “If that thing comes out anything like me as a kid, I’m putting it right back up there.”

11.)            Beyonce says her Super Bowl halftime performance is her legacy.

12.)            Duchess Kate went to the pharmacy!!!!!

13.)            Pregnant Kim Kardashian is starting to show.

14.)            Dennis Haskins, best known for his role as Mr. Belding on “Saved by the Bell,” is so desperate for a reunion show, he’s hijacked interviews with former co-stars.

15.)            According to Us Weekly, everything about Justin Bieber is borrowed from other stars. His famous locks are credited as being inspired by Donny Osmond.

16.)            The “it” pattern for dresses is checks.

17.)            Kevin Costner is making movies again.

18.)            Michael J. Fox has a new sitcom coming out in which he plays … wait for it … a guy with Parkinson’s.

19.)            So John Mayer and Katy Perry are still together. This may be his longest relationship yet!

20.)            Tia Mowry has gone vegan.

21.)            Howard Stern has a romantic side, according to his wife.

22.)            Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are having another baby.

23.)            Timothy Busfield and Melissa Gilbert got engaged.

24.)            Annoying “magician” Criss Angel is offering a $5,000 reward for the safe return of his teacup Yorkie, Spike, who was dognapped late last month.

25.)            Former Real Housewife of New Jersey Dina Manzo has filed for divorce from her douchebag of a husband and he already has a girlfriend.

26.)            “Gossip Girl’s” Leighton Meester and Adam Brody, formerly of “The OC,” are secretly dating, but Us Weekly is positively rotten at keeping secrets.

27.)            In “I’d like to get into a man sandwich with them” news, Bradley Cooper and Leonardo DiCaprio had a bro weekend in Miami Beach.

28.)            Taylor Swift never, ever, ever, ever wants to hang out with Carrie Underwood. Tay-Tay thinks Carrie is always rude to her, so they obviously hate each other.

29.)            COVER STORY: LeAnn Rimes says her husband Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife Brandi Glanville (one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) cheated first. Brandi has famously declared that there was a long string of women Eddie cheated on her with, LeAnn among them. But thems fightin’ words and LeAnn is striking back by alleging that Brandi had a long-term affair during her marriage. But Brandi is making the best of a bad situation by writing a tell-all book. And Eddie still looks like a cad.

30.)            Meanwhile, the next Beverly Hills housewives showdown, and there are many, will reportedly be between Lisa Vanderpump and Camille Grammer.

31.)            Bethenny Frankel may not have made time for her husband, due to her career in reality television, but Us Weekly says she’s already making time for a new boyfriend. Her divorce filing is probably still warm from the printer, so she’s not wasting any time.

32.)            Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are “stronger than ever” despite divorce rumors circulating about them. They’ve released a new “inspired” scent together, which probably smells like used condoms.

33.)            The best and worst Oscar speeches got a profile in this week’s issue. Among the worst was, “I’m so in love with my brother right now,” the line famously uttered by Angelina Jolie shortly after she practically stuck her tongue down big brother’s mouth on the red carpet. Nasty!

34.)            If “America’s Next Top Model” and “Project Runway” aren’t enough for you, there’s a new model search show coming out called “The Face.” Us Weekly profiles the contestants, some of whom will be mentored by Naomi Campbell. Maybe she’ll teach them to catwalk and assault personal assistants AT THE SAME TIME!

35.)            Mirrored aviator shades are making a comeback. “I feel the need … the need for speed.”

36.)            There are all kinds of fun things you can do to your fingernails! Sarah Hyland likes striped polish, Adele goes with two tones, Anne Hathaway wore pearl accents, and Busy Philipps uses 3-D stickers.

37.)            Melissa McCarthy is acting out of character in her new movie. She plays a funny, overweight person.

38.)            Season 3 of Downton Abbey is on DVD. I still have yet to see seasons one and two, however.

39.)            The new season of Survivor will feature fan favorites versus fans. I wasn’t aware there still were fans of this show.

40.)            Kanye West stepped out in Paris looking like one of Michael Jackson’s children back when he was still alive. Kanye was snapped wearing a bright red ski mask with only an eye hole. Creeeeeepy.

I learned 40 things this week and now, so have YOU! Congratulations! I have filled your head with so much useless information you’ve probably lost some important stuff that should have stayed in your brain. You’re welcome!

You guessed it! It’s BETHENNY’S baby!

“I’m taking our baby!” is the headline of this week’s Us Weekly. Keep reading to find out whose baby! And whether there is a dingo involved.

1.)              In happy marriage news, Us Weekly decided to ask country music couple Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton about divorce. Divorce is NOT an option, but apparently that first year of wedded bliss is a toughie.

2.)              Prince Harry has mastered the art of peeing in a helicopter.

3.)              Sheryl Crow “probably” knew Lance Armstrong was doping while the pair were still dating, but she didn’t want to throw him under the bus.

4.)              Natalie Portman is moving to France.

5.)              New mom Claire Danes was afraid of boob leakage at the Golden Globes.

6.)              Us Weekly readers prefer Nicole Richie’s hair short. These things MATTER, people!

7.)              Kristen Bell has the ultimate in birthing plans (not that she’s preggers yet): “When I arrive at the hospital, I want a glass of whiskey, I want the epidural in my back, and I want to be hit in the face with a baseball bat. And just wake me up when it’s over because I’ve seen the videos – and it looks terrifying.”

8.)              QUOTE OF THE WEEK FROM TAYLOR SWIFT from the Obvious News Desk: “I’ve never really had a long relationship … part of me just wants to be alone.” I’m pretty sure that part of her is so well hidden, it’s not aware what a serial monogamist she is.

9.)              There are a lot of ladies in pretty gowns at the SAG awards. But there are more ladies in really ugly gowns.

10.)          Now that she’s single again, Britney Spears has taken up going to church.

11.)          Miley Cyrus vacationed in Costa Rica with BOTH Hemsworth boys. Lucky, lucky!

12.)          Super Bowl ads are no longer the surprise they used to be. I’m sure by now you’ve seen all the good ones online. And Us Weekly wants to spoil the surprise, too. Amy Poehler is hawking Best Buy products.

13.)          There may be a wedding soon on Glee. But I’m not watching that show anymore because of the Jonathan Coulton drama. They stole his version of “Baby Got Back” without permission, which totally blows!

14.)          Celebrity moms don’t mind being seen in public with their spawn.

15.)          HARRY STYLES USED AN ATM!

16.)          Jennifer Lopez says her boy toy helped her heal after her most recent divorce. Clearly she’s of the mind that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. Rebound much?

17.)          Michael Buble is going to be a daddy.

18.)          John Legend is engaged to a model, but she’s a butterface, in my humble opinion. Comments on Chrissy Teigen are welcome. She bugs!

19.)          Nick Offerman (Parks & Recreation) and Megan Mullally actually make a cute couple!

20.)          Sara Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick went to an art gallery with their kids. The exhibition was work by his late mother.

21.)          Living up to his party boy reputation, Prince Harry, who can pee whilst sitting down in a helicopter, went on a 15-hour bender while on leave from the army. “I have always said, work hard, play hard.” Well done, old chap!

22.)          Selena Gomez goes to Bible study, but so does her ex-BF Justin Bieber. God forbid they should actually SEE each other!

23.)          Taylor Swift avoided Harry Styles at a music awards show in Cannes.

24.)          Cameron Diaz is still welcome to host SNL even though I can’t recall anything she could possibly be promoting right now. Is she a has-been yet?

25.)          Nicole Richie’s daughter Harlow wanted a “big girl” party for her fifth birthday, so she got to go with friends to the $5K/night Beverly Hills Hotel.

26.)          In baby news, there’s another one named after a place. Reese Witherspoon had Tennessee and now Shakira has Milan, who is a boy for those not in the know.

27.)          Jamie-Lynn Sigler is engaged, but her baseball playing fiancé is only in the minor leagues. You’d think she could get a real MLB player!

28.)          Chris Brown got in another fight. But that’s not really news, now is it?

29.)          The youngest of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids will be 19 on Sunday, but she seems to act more mature than her mother.

30.)          JJ Abrams is directing the next installment of the Star Wars franchise. This is good news, assuming JJ is not fond of Jar Jar.

31.)          Kourtney and Kim Kardashian plan to force their children to become close.

32.)          COVER STORY: So yeah. Jason Hoppy issued his demands in the ugly divorce saga between him and Bethenny Frankel. He wants custody of his daughter, their apartment, and child support. I, for one, hope he gets all of it. Bethenny has become too full of herself.

33.)          In other Real Housewives news, Brandi Glanville’s new book, “Drinking and Tweeting” sounds like it could be a page-turner. She talks about her cheating husband, his current wife LeAnn Rimes, and, as Us Weekly puts it, PAYBACK. Sweet! Plus, I love the title.

34.)          Us Weekly wants me to learn all about The Bachelor. But I don’t wanna!

35.)          FINALLY! A post-baby weight loss story most women can relate to. Some celebs actually have trouble taking off the baby weight and say that whole thing about breast feeding burning calories is a load of … hogwash.

36.)          THE LIP SYNC SCANDAL THAT ROCKED AMERICA! Who the f*** cares??? I’d rather sing to a flawless recording than sing live and totally screw up. I mean, the whole world was watching the inauguration! Whitney Houston’s famous rendition of the National Anthem was also lip synced, as was Madonna’s performance at last year’s Super Bowl. Even Bruce Springsteen had some ‘splaining to do when his band pre-recorded their tracks for the 2009 Super Bowl. I’m guessing Beyonce will lip sync again on Sunday. I’m sorry, but with all the dancing these people do, it’s impossible to sing live, too.

37.)          My husband wrote “I love U” in the dust on our TV, but Us Weekly reports that celebs show their love in a bigger fashion. Ben Affleck says it with roses, Kanye West splurges on expensive cars, and Ellen Degeneres goes on vacation with her honey.

38.)          If you don’t want to spend your hard-earned cash on flowers, cars, or trips, maybe you would consider getting a Kate Spade bra and panty set for the lovely lady in your life. The undies are only $58 (compared to the $138 bra)!

39.)          Gillette wants to know “Is stubble killing the kiss?” You can swipe your cell phone over the ad and tell Us Weekly (and Gillette, I assume) what you think. Personally, I find stubble HOT, which is a good thing, since Mr. Susie gets a 5 o’clock shadow promptly at 5 o’clock.

40.)          Us Weekly wants to teach the ladies how to look “natural” by piling a bunch of makeup on.

Well, I started this blog on Friday and finished it today. Beyonce didn’t lip sync and my sweet Niners lost to the Ravens. I’m signing off depressed and hungover. Those rally shots I drank yesterday didn’t do a damn bit of good.

Brandi Glanville is to Adrienne Maloof what Godzilla is to Tokyo, apparently.

Well, Us Weekly and I are apparently on opposing sides when it comes to a major feud among the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. That’s this week’s cover story, so more on that when I get to that page. In the meantime, read all this other junk first:

1.)              Khloe Kardashian is battling rumors that her hubby, Lamar Odom, is cheating on her. The funny Kardashian has been making headlines for not getting preggers while her unmarried sisters seem to get knocked up pretty easily. I kinda feel sorry for the girl.

2.)              Heath Ledger died five years ago and Us Weekly likes to write occasional stories on his surviving girlfriend Michelle Williams to keep Heath in the headlines. Williams has moved on with Jason Segel, but Us Weekly will NEVER move on!

3.)              Former Playboy centerfold Holly Madison had to move out of her Las Vegas home because the homeowners association frowned on her giant, pink doghouse in the yard.

4.)              Ryan Gosling has one regret. He wishes he’d been asked to join the Backstreet Boys.

5.)              Megan Fox says we should all believe in Leprechauns. She also believes in Bigfood and the Loch Ness Monster.

6.)              If you’re still confused as to whether Chicken of the Sea is chicken or tuna, you’ll LOVE the fact that Jessica Simpson is coming back to TV. The new sitcom sounds much worse than her former reality show, which is likely the cause of the breakup of her marriage to Nick Lachey. Jessica will be playing herself and actors will be playing her fiancé, Eric Johnson, and her perverted, boobie-obsessed daddy Joe.

7.)              82% of Us Weekly readers think Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell should host the Golden Globes next year. Personally, I envision a comeback for Tina and Amy. Weren’t they awesome??

8.)              It’s like the 80s are back! Seafoam green seems to be the go-to color for gowns this season.

9.)              “When I would go on a date with a girl – like when I was 12 … they thought we were dating, and I was sort of hoping to meet their brothers.” –Anderson Cooper

10.)          Ben Affleck says he’s stuck in the 90s. Seafoam green may have been a thing of the past by then, but cargo pants were not. And Ben wants to bring back cargo pants.

11.)          Nicki Minaj makes the outrageous claim that she is not a “crazy psycho.”

12.)          I did not like First Lady Michelle Obama’s new bangs at the Inauguration. But Us Weekly is focusing more on the celebrity attendants rather than the couple of the hour. Oh, and you may have heard by now that Beyonce … wait for it … LIP SYNCED the National Anthem. *audible gasp*

13.)          Michelle Kwan got married! She looked fabulous!

14.)          Quentin Tarantino could stand to lose a few pounds or not walk around in public wearing only swim trunks. The latter is probably easier and would do the world a lot of good.

15.)          Prince Harry is “thrilled” his going to be an uncle. Maybe he can teach the royal fetus how to lose in strip poker.

16.)          Us Weekly’s “The List” this week is 25 celebrities who play Words with Friends. I’d like to think I would be able to kick Snoop Dogg’s ass!

17.)          Mark and Donnie Wahlberg have a brother who is a chef. His restaurant is called Wahlburgers.

18.)          Lady celebs like small dogs. That is not a euphemism.

19.)          HalleBerry, who was once famously anti-marriage, wants to marry Olivier Martinez in Paris.

20.)          Claire Danes had a baby about two months ago and got her parents to babysit while she and her hubby went to the Golden Globes. Since the awards were handed out in a hotel, she occasionally had to run up to her parents’ room to feed the baby, Cyrus.

21.)          James Van Der Beek and his wife both lived in L.A. for years but actually met each other in Israel.

22.)          Shakira posed topless and very preggers for UNICEF.

23.)          Anne Hathaway’s husband screamed like a little girl when she won a Golden Globe for Les Miserables.

24.)          Kiera Knightley is engaged, but apparently tends to flip out a little when asked about her wedding plans.

25.)          Congratulations are in order for Elton John and his partner, who welcomed their second son Elijah. Hooray for gay parenting! May their children grow up to be outstanding human beings to prove that two daddies are just as good as other options. This concludes the political opinion portion of my blog.

26.)          So Lance Armstrong admitted something to Oprah. Does anyone know what it was? I missed the interview.

27.)          Justin Bieber is turning into a bit of a punk. He posted a pic of his bare ass to his Instagram account. No one needs to see that, J Biebs!

28.)          Sarah Jessica Parker has landed on the cutting room floor. Her role as Gloria Steinem in the upcoming “Lovelace” movie was completely edited from the final product. Bummer.

29.)          Taylor Swift probably doesn’t read this blog,  but she’s getting sick of all the jokes people are making about her and her brilliant ability to break up with men and write songs about it. Her feelings got hurt when Tina Fey made fun of her at the Golden Globes because she was still broken-hearted over the end of her month-long relationship with one of those One Direction kids. “The breakup killed her,” according to a source. But I don’t know how such a short relationship could end quite so painfully. Tay-Tay – it might be best to try and keep your private life private for a little while and stop dating teeny-bopper singers.

30.)          Justin Timberlake HAS to release a CD and go on tour by the end of the year or his label will be very, very angry. Rumor has it, J.T. is only recording the album because he has to. His heart just isn’t in it. As evidenced by his just-released single “Suit and Tie,” which is horrible.

31.)          COVER STORY: RHOBH fans should know that Us Weekly apparently only likes Brandi Glanville as a cover girl, not as a person. They appear to have taken Adrienne Maloof’s side in a major fight over Brandi announcing that Adrienne used a surrogate for her twin sons. Granted, it wasn’t exactly smart of Brandi to drop the deets on this story, but Adrienne is living her life on camera and probably should have mentioned the story of their birth to her sons before joining the show. The boys are 6 and old enough to understand this stuff. Maybe it’s just me, but it sounds like Adrienne was just putting off the inevitable for as long as she could. But there’s HOT GOSSIP, housewives fans! Since Adrienne and husband Paul Nassif filed for divorce last summer, Brandi and Paul, who famously called her a bitch to her face on the show, are friendly now! Go figure. And Adrienne is now dating Rod Stewart’s son, Sean, who is most famous for appearing on Celebrity Rehab. Way to take it up a notch, Adrienne!

32.)          Kelly Osbourne is “secretly engaged.” But we all know Us Weekly is terrible at keeping secrets.

33.)          Us Weekly compares the Monti Te’o fake girlfriend scandal to other “pop-culture hoaxes” like Milli Vanilli and Balloon Boy.

34.)          Jenelle Evans is a “teen mom train wreck.” Why? Well, for starters, she got pregnant in high school, lost custody of the kid, and got knocked up again. I imagine there are a million more reasons.

35.)          Drew Barrymore names everything “Flower.” Probably after the cute little skunk in Bambi. Anyhoo, first she started her production company, Flower Films, and now she is busting out a Flower makeup line.

36.)          Oooh! Us Weekly reveals Oscar nominees’ embarrassing past films. Among them is Joaquin Phoenix’s turn as a kid in the horrid movie Space Camp. That was back when he was still going by his birth name, Leaf.

37.)          Lucy Liu just LOVES NYC.

38.)          Jennifer Lopez was a little nervous about stripping down to her skivvies in the upcoming move Parker. “I felt vulnerable.” Huh. This from the woman who wore a cut-down-to-her-bellybutton “gown” to the Grammys back in the day.

39.)          Us Weekly tells readers how to throw a Super Bowl party. Personally, I’d rather learn how to do this from ESPN, but maybe that’s just me.

40.)          The updated version of Dallas is back and what with Larry Hagman’s passing last year, the writers had to scramble to re-write some stuff. Looks like things in Dallas are gonna get interesting (finally).

So there ya go, sports fans! Can’t wait to get you up to speed on all the latest news no one cares about with next week’s issue. Godspeed!

It’s gettin’ ugly in the divorce that is taking FOREVER!

It’s Kardashian Khaos in this week’s issue of Us Weekly! Wanna know what I learned? Read on!

1.)             Courteney Cox finally comes out of the closet! About her plastic surgery, which has been obvious to me since her Friends days. CC admits to using laser treatments and Botox. Just like the rest of Hollywood. This story disappoints me. I was expecting her to own up to an eye lift at least!

2.)             Teen Mom Farrah Abraham waxed her 3-year-old eyebrows because people kept making fun of the baby’s unibrow. Time to stop reading your own press and think about the CHILD, you moron!

3.)             Reese Witherspoon would never date me. Never mind that neither of us are lesbians, but she said she once went on a date during which the guy corrected her grammar. Date over.

4.)             Joaquin Phoenix has been nominated for an award he thinks is “complete bullshit.” An Oscar.

5.)             Patricia Heaton says every one of her Twitter followers is in her will. If she didn’t have such unbelievable political views, I’d be a sheep and see how I could benefit from her death.

6.)             Real Housewife of Atlanta and notorious B-I-T-C-H Kenya Moore claims she is stopped on the street every day and asked if she is Beyonce. Meanwhile, much classier Housewife Kandi Burress got engaged to her BF. Congrats!

7.)             91% of Us Weekly readers feel bad for Ben Affleck, who didn’t get an Oscar nod for directing Argo.

8.)             If you didn’t see the Golden Globes last Sunday, you missed a LOT of ugly dresses! And Jodie Foster’s speech, which had to have been written by Mel Gibson, as it didn’t make any sense at all!

9.)             Demi Moore escaped to Mexico for a little vay-cay, but she didn’t escape Us Weekly’s cameras. She’s pictured wearing teeny bikinis and frolicking on the beach like she’s still 25. Which clearly she wishes she still was.

10.)       Drew Barrymore and her no-name husband were featured on the Kiss Cam at the Jan. 11 New York Knicks game.

11.)       Kate “Middleton” Duchess of Cambridge was at the unveiling of her official royal portrait. Apparently, others are criticizing the work, but Kate says, “It’s brilliant.”

12.)       Miss New Yawk one Miss America. She has fake boobs.

13.)       Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise stepped out in NYC in matching parkas.

14.)       In addition to admitting he likes to knit, Ryan Gosling brought his MOM as his date to the premiere of Gangster Squad. Everybody say it with me – AWWWWW!

15.)       Jennifer Aniston won a People’s Choice award, but she hasn’t made any movies in a while. What gives?

16.)       Michelle Obama, who most of you know I love, worked her tuchus off on January 19^th’s Day of Service. She planted trees, delivered toys to tots, worked serving meals to injured vets, and helped kids paint benches. You go, Michelle!

17.)       Alyson Hannigan got her 3-year-old daughter a mani-pedi.

18.)       STARS! They’re just like us! Especially Ariel Winter, who puts on her own shoes!

19.)       Jason Sudekis and Olivia Wilde are getting married. They’ve only been together for a year, but they plan to take it slow with the wedding planning. Okay, then.

20.)       More from the People’s Choice Awards: Emily Blunt had the best seat in the house for the show – her husband John Krasinski’s lap! I have had sex dreams about John, so I’m a little jealous.

21.)       Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are “happiest at home.” Which equals BO-RING!

22.)       Jennifer Lawrence is on the market again, guys.

23.)       Kelly Ripa’s NYC penthouse is for sale – for a mere $25 mil.

24.)       Los Angeles is down two Brits and their spawn. David and Victoria Beckham moved their brood back to England.

25.)       “Locked Out of Heaven,” the latest hit by Bruno Mars (which sounds eerily like The Police), is the first song to be played more than a million times in one week on Spotify. Just reading this makes me sick of the song.

26.)       Brad Pitt is helping sell Cadillacs in China.

27.)       Jillian Michaels named her daughter Lukensia, which sounds and looks eerily like Leukemia. Poor kid.

28.)       Brit-Brit was dumped by her fiancé. Brit’s camp says it was a mutual breakup, but Us Weekly says she was blindsided.

29.)       The New Jersey Real Housewives sure know how to ruin a kid’s birthday party. Teresa Giudice got all into her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga’s face at Teresa’s daughter Gia’s 12^th birthday party. Way to keep it classy, Tre.

30.)       Jeremy Renner is going to be a father. Apparently, the pregnancy is the result of a few casual dates and Jeremy plans to fly to her when her water breaks. How romantic!

31.)       COVER STORY: Kris Humphries is none to pleased about Kim Kardashian’s big baby news. Possibly because she’s still legally married to him! Us Weekly says poor Kim is being “tortured by her ex,” who has allegedly vowed, “I will make Kim pay.” He sends her anonymous texts and keeps dragging out the divorce, which has lasted six times longer than their 72-day marriage. He is only asking for $7 million to walk away.

32.)       Lady Gaga and Kelly Osbourne are fighting and Us Weekly attempts to tell us why. Apparently, Lady G doesn’t like to be critiqued on her fashion choices. Hmmmm.

33.)       Well, it’s finally happened. After WEEKS of dating, Taylor Swift is once again an ex-girlfriend. She and Harry Styles of One Direction have ditched their relationship. Us breaks down the anatomy of a Swift relationship (hee hee – see what I did there?). First the couple makes their public debut, then she meets the family, then the couple goes for big PDA, then they break up. Sounds like a good concept for a song, no?

34.)       Jennie Garth is healing from the breakup of her marriage by becoming a cougar.

35.)       Justin Bieber has grown up! He has a potty mouth, he strips on stage, he breaks the law, he parties with models, and is now covered in tattoos. Sexy, right?

36.)       While I wasn’t aware they fell out of style, leather skirts are BACK!

37.)       Us Weekly gives some tips on how to look thinner without diet and exercise. Finally! An article I can get behind!

That’s it, ladies and germs! I learned a whole heck of a lot this week and I hope you did, too!